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RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/22/2007 11:11:52 PM   
AmyGirl


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I've actually read the book before. The news report has presented a very slanted view. Entire sections were left out.

Such sections are: learning to present your needs in ways that create partnership, intimacy and a feeling of being cherished. creating feelings of trust. learning to relax and enjoy the strengths of your partner, noticing and appreciating the ways he gives to you. It also talks about the process of change and re-connection taking time, effort and commitment as well as soul searching. The author states that the she is addressing wives since that is the perspective she has and since we can only change ourselves. After all, if pushing someone else to change was effective, nagging would work wouldn't it? lol

They did not talk about the positive shifts in a relationship that happen when a man is treated as a responsible, capable person i.e. is respected and trusted by the woman in his life to protect and cherish her.

The not-so-subtle message men (vanilla & kinked) get when nagged is that the woman doesn't think he is capable. No wonder men sometimes feel disrespected! Most normal people would if that was the message repeatedly given!

Also, the book does talk about where women's need to control comes from and encourages women (since that is the main audience she is addressing) to notice & appreciate the support that they receive when they stop trying to control actions of the other.

Lastly, the author does state quite clearly that if a istuation does not seem to shift over a period of years or effort or is abusive and destructive that no one should stay in it.

In my opinion, the ways we women express our independence are creating castrated men as husbands, lovers and sons. Men are being second guessed into not making decisions leaving many women resentful & exhausted. Meanwhile, the guy is just trying to keep the peace and eliminate the drama. All this is happening as divorce rates skyrocket. Just maybe we need to find the middle ground between independent, respectful and compassionate.

At it's core all the book said was for women to really examine what was fueling her need to be in control, be appreciative, relax, receive and give back to the man in their life. It also said this type of practice and marriage was not for everyone.

Personally, I find nothing objectionable in that.

Now if a wife is doing all this growth from a place of "look at all the work i've been doing on myself and you still don't appreciate me, you should.... etc" then that's just another form of manipulation and trying to stay in control.

(in reply to charlotte12)
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RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/22/2007 11:17:24 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AmyGirl

I've actually read the book before. The news report has presented a very slanted view. Entire sections were left out.

Such sections are: learning to present your needs in ways that create partnership, intimacy and a feeling of being cherished. creating feelings of trust. learning to relax and enjoy the strengths of your partner, noticing and appreciating the ways he gives to you. It also talks about the process of change and re-connection taking time, effort and commitment as well as soul searching. The author states that the she is addressing wives since that is the perspective she has and since we can only change ourselves. After all, if pushing someone else to change was effective, nagging would work wouldn't it? lol

They did not talk about the positive shifts in a relationship that happen when a man is treated as a responsible, capable person i.e. is respected and trusted by the woman in his life to protect and cherish her.

The not-so-subtle message men (vanilla & kinked) get when nagged is that the woman doesn't think he is capable. No wonder men sometimes feel disrespected! Most normal people would if that was the message repeatedly given!

Also, the book does talk about where women's need to control comes from and encourages women (since that is the main audience she is addressing) to notice & appreciate the support that they receive when they stop trying to control actions of the other.

Lastly, the author does state quite clearly that if a istuation does not seem to shift over a period of years or effort or is abusive and destructive that no one should stay in it.

In my opinion, the ways we women express our independence are creating castrated men as husbands, lovers and sons. Men are being second guessed into not making decisions leaving many women resentful & exhausted. Meanwhile, the guy is just trying to keep the peace and eliminate the drama. All this is happening as divorce rates skyrocket. Just maybe we need to find the middle ground between independent, respectful and compassionate.

At it's core all the book said was for women to really examine what was fueling her need to be in control, be appreciative, relax, receive and give back to the man in their life. It also said this type of practice and marriage was not for everyone.

Personally, I find nothing objectionable in that.

Now if a wife is doing all this growth from a place of "look at all the work i've been doing on myself and you still don't appreciate me, you should.... etc" then that's just another form of manipulation and trying to stay in control.

.....thank you, Amygirl.  Very well said..........slave luci

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RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/22/2007 11:18:36 PM   
BossyShoeBitch


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From: South Florida
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch
Maybe it's just me but my observation has been that people in this lifestyle are much more educated about sexual "techniques" and communicate their sexual wants and needs much more than vanilla couples.
The wives always say yes.  Imagine how hot that sex must be with their powerful manly husbands...Ugh! 

Yeah....imagine having to actually have sex with your husband when he wants to.  That is gross.  As far as these wives always saying yes.....and that differs from lots of subs/slaves how?  Do most of them usually refuse their doms/masters when they want sex?  I wouldn't know because I don't have the option of saying "yes" or "no" since I'm not asked for my opinion about it.  He wants anything and He gets it - it's not a debate.  That's what I agreed to when I became His slave and that's what these women agreed to in their marriage.  How is that wrong or boring?...........slave luci

That's not what I was trying to allude to at all.. I totally get and agree with your dynamic.   I just have the image stuck in my head of boring, vanilla sex...

Amygirl,
Any mention of that in the book?


_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

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RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/22/2007 11:26:02 PM   
slaveluci


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From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch
That's not what I was trying to allude to at all.. I totally get and agree with your dynamic.   I just have the image stuck in my head of boring, vanilla sex...

Ok, sorry I misinterpreted.  As far as the sex, I didn't get any indication either way of how that actually works.  Just because they seem vanilla doesn't mean they aren't getting kinky............luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

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RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/23/2007 6:41:39 AM   
kittinSol


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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

*a husband ordered for his wife in a restaurant and later picked out the clothes she would wear out



While making her wear a blindfold. A lot of fun for us, kinky, deviant types, but something tells me this woman wasn't wired that way.

quote:



*a woman had to make her husband a smoothie for breakfast



Had to: it says it all.

quote:



*a mother spoke to her young daughter of "pleasing" and "honoring" her father and how he is the "king" of their home



The wife called the child's father by the name 'Daddy': it's creepy. It can make the child feel that somehow, her father is also her mother's father. It's just plain wrong: I call that abuse. Plus, you can BET the man never speaks to their daughter about "pleasing" and "honouring" the mother.

quote:



*one lady ran her husband's bath and actually washed his back and shaves him



In that case, it's obvious she's deriving a lot of pleasure from giving personal service. I think that's quite cute.

quote:



*It was suggested that women should not nag, should not criticize, should respect their husband's choices, and that husbands should have the final say in everything from financial decisions to sexual relations (in which case she said always say "yes" and not deny him)



And you think that's good general advice for women??? Lowrat Boyle is effectively saying that women should step down and behave as if they were inferior to their husbands. I think it's repugnant to advocate that women give over their bodies as if they were mere objects for the sexual relief of their husband. In such a case, they're not wives, they're hosebags.

quote:



*It was further suggested that "happy marriages happen" when wives give lots more control to their husbands and that, even if marriage is considered a partnership, the husband is the senior partner and the wife is junior partner.



Please explain to me on which basis Lowrat Boyle says such a thing. I suspect it's pure manipulation: it's easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar: it's all about massaging a man's ego so that he feels he has Da Power. Where's the mutual respect if he is so obviously manipulated!

quote:



Now, I don't want to shock anyone but there is nothing here that Master and I do not adhere to (except explaining to the young child how things work as we don't have children.  However, if we did, I would certainly explain it just as she did).  I don't see anything oppressive or abusive in any of this.  Saying it is creepy, sick, and wrong is certainly an opinion you've the right to have but to say these folks are freaks and should be dismissed is what is wrong in my eyes.  We live like this and He and I love every minute of it.  Just because we throw in some bondage and pain doesn't make it any more valid than if we didn't.  I hate to burst anyone's bubble but not everyone's submission involves strutting out to public parties, wearing fetish clothes and hanging out in dungeons.  If that's what does it for you, great.  But please don't insult or dismiss those whose kink simply appears a bit more vanilla to you..........slave luci   

Edited to add:  I would also state here that BDSM is made up of the terms bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism.  In our relationship, we are always engaged in the d/s part and the other two happen occasionally.  I see these women as engaged in perfect examples of what d/s means to Master and I.  Just because couples aren't constantly involved in the other two aspects doesn't make their relationship any less valid or acceptable as a BDSM one.  Master says that if I were to only be totally submissive to Him when I'm tied up or being beaten, that that would be a poor example of BDSM.



It's fine if you and your partner have this kind of relationship. The problem I have with this book is that the author advocates all of the above with the aim of making sure the man stays happy. Her argument has nothing to do with the happiness of the wife. It has nothing to do with a D/s relationship, because it isn't explicitly one. Therefore it leaves a lot of scope for taking advantage of the wife's submission. It allows for an infinity of interprations for the husbands. I think it's dangerous, I think it's repellent, and I repeat: the marriages in question won't last any longer than others. Simply, I think the wives will suffer a lot more collateral damage.

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RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/23/2007 6:42:50 AM   
thetammyjo


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The problem I have with saying this is like BDSM is that the motivation and the concept of choice is missing.

I believe that wives are supposed to "surrender" because God says so, right? They teach their children this same thing. At no time is the idea of consent or choice promoted nor is the idea that this is something that someone might chose to not do -- otherwise they are disobeying God.

For me, BDSM and Ds is about individual choice. I would find it just as icky if someone told me that they were raised from an early age to submit because of their race, sex, size, or income. I'd personally classify it as abusive to raise offspring to believe there is only one way and no choice based on these same criteria.

Households like those in this clip raise offspring to deny themselves meaning that a son who felt a natural drive to be submissive would be repeatedly told it was wrong, a daughter who felt a natural drive to be dominant would get the same treatment; woe to those who may have egalitarian inclinations. A woman (or man) who takes on a social role that does not mesh with their personality or their natural inclinations will be unhappy and I'm betting that unhappiness will affect those around them.

How is that moral or ethical or just?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/23/2007 7:07:16 AM   
kittinSol


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Exactly.

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RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/23/2007 7:32:11 AM   
SimplyMichael


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That whole surrender bullshit is wrong because it isn't about choice, not the choice of "should I do this or that" but instead "thou shalt" submit if you are a woman and "thou shalt be a domineering asshole" if you are a man.

What is beautiful about BDSM is what is so ugly about this shit.  BDSM is about exploring yourself, finding out what makes you tick and searching out and finding another soul who compliments that, is the  yang to your yin.  That surrender crap is an emotional straight jacket of platitudes.  Just like slapping some fucking slut upside the face COULD be BDSM if she spent the last five minutes begging you to use her and is abuse if she didn't (conceptually people!), a woman obeying a man is not necessarily BDSM and that crap has nothing to do with anything I desire, not just in my life but in the society I would like to see.

(in reply to kittinSol)
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RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/23/2007 7:58:00 AM   
AmyGirl


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As I wrote earlier, the media slanted the book's words, as well as perspective, by leaving out a good deal of the sections that added balance, stressed exploring yourself and your motivations for actions. The slanted viewpoint seems to be what this forum is having an issue with.

While the media clips would have you believe otherwise, the book DOES talk about relating this way being a CHOICE appropriate for SOME marriages.

Laura Boyle is not advocating all this for the " sake of the man staying happy". The media placed that slant on it. Some direct quotes from the book (the debate got me going so I had to go dig out my copy):

directly qouting text from pg. 19 - 20

"Surrendering to your husband is not about returning to the fifties or rebelling against feminism.
This book isn't about dumbing down or being rigid.
It's certainly not about subservience.
It's about following some basic principles that will help you change your habits and attitueds to restore intimacy to your marriage. It's about having a relationship that brings out the best in both of you, and growing together as spiritual beings. Surrendering is both gratifying and terrifying, but the results - peace, joy and feeling good about yourself and your marriage - are proven.
The basic principles of a surrendered wife are that she:
Relinquishes inappropriate control of her husband
Respects her husband's thinking
Receives his gifts graciously and expresses gratitude for him
Expresses what she wants without trying to control him
Relies on him to handle household finances
Focuses on her own self-care and fulfillment.

A surrendered wife is:
Vulnerable where she used to be a nag
Trusting where she used to be controlling
Respectful where she used to be demeaning
Grateful where she used to be dissatisfied
Has faith where she once had doubt.

A surrendered wife has abundance where she once was impoverished, and typically has more disposable income and more satisfying, connected sex than she did before she surrendered."

end quote. Nothing said in any of that about surrendering being for the sake of the man's happiness!

Some chapter headings not represented in the media clip:

4. Take care of youself first
5. Express your desires
10. Avoid setting up a negative expectation
11. Stop reading his mind
14. Set limits by saying "I can't"
15. Strive to be vulnerable
16. Admit it when you're hurt
18. Listen for the heart message
27. Spend your energy surplus on yourself

What I hear in most of those is that the woman's quality of life and desires are every bit as important as her man's. It pretyt much starts out with "take care of yourself first" and ends with "Spend your energy surplus on youself" with lots of self care sprinkled throughout.

< Message edited by AmyGirl -- 6/23/2007 8:26:49 AM >

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/23/2007 8:32:00 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol
While making her wear a blindfold. A lot of fun for us, kinky, deviant types, but something tells me this woman wasn't wired that way.

I agree that she certainly didn't seem to be into it.  But then my question is, "Why did she do it?"  I didn't see a gun to her head (so there was a choice) and I don't remember it said that she had to wear it.  She wore it (supposedly) so that she would not feel compelled to dictate to him which route to take.  She apparently had such a problem not nagging him how to drive that the blindfold was apparently to keep her from even seeing and thus nagging.  I looked at this from a slightly different perspective:  it's sad to think that a woman has so little control over her tongue that she feels the solution is to just have her eyes blindfolded so she won't feel the urge to nag/dictate/tell her husband how to do something.  I can refrain from all those things without being blindfolded, I assure you.
quote:

a woman had to make her husband a smoothie for breakfast

Again, I'll ask the question: as opposed to subs/slaves who serve?  If a dom/master expects that a smoothie be waiting for him in the morning, do we look at that as abuse because his sub/slave "has" to make it and have it ready?  It's as if everyone is saying "Oh this poor wife.  She is forced to serve."  She married her husband as sure as I became Master's property.  I'm assuming she knew who she was marrying as sure as I knew my Master.  Can we give these women a touch of credit as to the fact that she just may have known that she'd be expected to fix her husband breakfast in the mornings?  Cripe - my mother never once failed to fix my father's breakfast and get up with him every single day.  She was never forced to or abused.  She did it because she didn't work outside the home, he did and worked like a dog I might add to support her and their children, and she didn't feel right about snoozing in bed while he got his own breakfast.  Thus, every day she did this for him.  "Had to?"  No.  Wanted to out of respect and desire to make his life a bit easier and show her love for him?  Absolutely.
quote:

The wife called the child's father by the name 'Daddy': it's creepy. It can make the child feel that somehow, her father is also her mother's father. It's just plain wrong: I call that abuse. Plus, you can BET the man never speaks to their daughter about "pleasing" and "honouring" the mother.

That is your opinion.  I don't know where you live but I hear mother's speak to small children everyday about "daddy."  After all, that is the name the child knows the man by - Daddy.  Nothing creepy about it.  As far as making the child feel that the "father is also her mother's father," I certainly don't think so.  Again, my mother always referred (when speaking to us kids directly) to my father as "Dad."  She'd say "Dad's on his way home for work" or something similar.  I never once confused my Dad for her's.  It's interesting that you call this "abuse."  Again, that is so very subjective.  Nothing abusive at all about it to me.  An interesting side note here:  recently on the "When is enough, enough" thread, Velvetears took a shredding for speaking about being at a BBQ and witnessing what she considered abuse as far as things being exposed to children.  I guess it was debatable as far as whether or not to consider it abusive, but I feel it was definitely TMI in front of young ones.  But here, simply calling their Daddy "Daddy" is abusive?  Geesh......  As far as the man never speaking about "pleasing" and "honoring" the mother, we certainly don't have any idea whether or not that happens.  I'm not going to assume it doesn't.
quote:

In that case, it's obvious she's deriving a lot of pleasure from giving personal service. I think that's quite cute.

What you consider "cute," I consider the basis of my relationship with my Master.  Just because you may not personally have any desire to give personal service or get anything from it, can't you at least respect someone else's right/desire to without reducing it to something quaint? I think it's cute when people dress up in costumes and go do intimate things in public for an audience.  I would never do that.  That does not mean that I look down my nose at it or consider it a lesser form of BDSM.
quote:

And you think that's good general advice for women??? Lowrat Boyle is effectively saying that women should step down and behave as if they were inferior to their husbands. I think it's repugnant to advocate that women give over their bodies as if they were mere objects for the sexual relief of their husband. In such a case, they're not wives, they're hosebags.

Do I think that's good general advice for women?  I certainly do.  It's not behaving as if you're "inferior" in my eyes.  It's allowing one's husband (or Master) to take his place as the leader in the relationship.  No one has mentioned this line but it was said in the clip that it's like a partnership where the husband is senior partner and the wife is junior partner.  I thought that summed it up beautifully.  She's still a partner but he has final say.  I just don't see what's so horrible about that.  You think it's "repugnant" that wives become sexual "objects" for their husbands but yet any kink (including objectification) is A-OK here in the "lifestyle."  I just cannot see why it's ok in the relationships you'll find here but horrid between a husband and wife.  You'll probably say, "Well it's choice or consent."  Yes, but she chose to marry the man and, as I said earlier, these women do not seem to be under physical duress to do as their husbands desire.  They certainly aren't chained or tied.  I am just floored by everyone's shocked reaction to these women living as they do when it's so similar to how many in what is defined as "BDSM" relationships do.
quote:

Please explain to me on which basis Lowrat Boyle says such a thing. I suspect it's pure manipulation: it's easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar: it's all about massaging a man's ego so that he feels he has Da Power. Where's the mutual respect if he is so obviously manipulated!

On the same basis you say all you've said - opinion.  You may suspect it's manipulation and trickery but again, that's just your take on it.  I don't think these men were manipulated in the least. 
quote:

It's fine if you and your partner have this kind of relationship.

I'm beginning to wonder.  Seems like everything everyone is so angry and sickened about is the basis of our relationship.  We aren't married yet but will be before the summer is out.  Maybe then it will become wrong since we're legally married?
quote:

The problem I have with this book is that the author advocates all of the above with the aim of making sure the man stays happy. Her argument has nothing to do with the happiness of the wife.

No, but you can go to any bookstore and find a blue million books on that subject.  Books with no focus other than to make sure the wife/woman insures her own happiness within her relationship.  This author wrote a book from a different perspective and certainly has every right to.  Making sure my man/Master stays happy is what it's all about for me.  If that is not what these women want, they can refuse that dynamic and/or get out of the marriage.  I am a slave - they are not.
quote:

  It has nothing to do with a D/s relationship, because it isn't explicitly one. Therefore it leaves a lot of scope for taking advantage of the wife's submission. It allows for an infinity of interprations for the husbands. I think it's dangerous, I think it's repellent, and I repeat: the marriages in question won't last any longer than others. Simply, I think the wives will suffer a lot more collateral damage.

Again, I would point out that the only difference may be (because we do not know) that the wives didn't specifically consent.  These wives all seemed to be intelligent women.  If they are being "taken advantage" of, certainly they can take steps to remedy that.  To you, it may be dangerous and repellent but to me it is not.  It's obvious we come from verrrrrrryyyy different perspectives on what submission is and should be.  To each their own but when something isn't for me, I don't do it.  I certainly don't tell others if they do they are in "sick" relationships.  (Actually, I did infer that with one relationship here but I have since learned that it's certainly not my place or right to do so and I issued an apology for being so presumptuous and judgmental).  It's just not my right to dictate to another couple what's appropriate for them..............slave luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to kittinSol)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/23/2007 8:40:25 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
The problem I have with saying this is like BDSM is that the motivation and the concept of choice is missing.

I'm not so sure it is.  I don't remember one of these women stating that they had no choice in the matter.  Everyone is assuming they didn't but it was not made clear.
quote:

I believe that wives are supposed to "surrender" because God says so, right? They teach their children this same thing. At no time is the idea of consent or choice promoted nor is the idea that this is something that someone might chose to not do -- otherwise they are disobeying God.

This gets into individual religious beliefs and we know what a pointless quagmire that debate becomes.  Not believing what someone else does and looking in from the outside and trying to determine how they should do things based on their religious beliefs never works.
quote:

For me, BDSM and Ds is about individual choice. I would find it just as icky if someone told me that they were raised from an early age to submit because of their race, sex, size, or income. I'd personally classify it as abusive to raise offspring to believe there is only one way and no choice based on these same criteria.

Then you would not be bound to raise your offspring like that.  You or I neither have children or seem to want them so this probably won't be an issue for us.  I believe that parents have the ultimate choice in what they teach their children.  Trying to dictate what they should or should not teach them is another slippery slope.
quote:

Households like those in this clip raise offspring to deny themselves meaning that a son who felt a natural drive to be submissive would be repeatedly told it was wrong, a daughter who felt a natural drive to be dominant would get the same treatment; woe to those who may have egalitarian inclinations. A woman (or man) who takes on a social role that does not mesh with their personality or their natural inclinations will be unhappy and I'm betting that unhappiness will affect those around them.How is that moral or ethical or just?

Well, you're assuming these things and they might not necessarily occur.  We can make assumptions and dream up "what ifs" for days but that simply doesn't make a lot of sense to me because who knows what will eventually occur.  We can't predict the future.  As far as moral, ethical, and just - not something I want outsiders to my relationship dictating to me.  We all have our own concepts of what those terms mean and I don't want to apply mine to you anymore than I think you should apply yours to me or these couples...........luci 

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/23/2007 8:48:44 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
That whole surrender bullshit is wrong because it isn't about choice, not the choice of "should I do this or that" but instead "thou shalt" submit if you are a woman and "thou shalt be a domineering asshole" if you are a man.

Everyone is assuming there is no "choice" involved.  The women chose to marry their husbands and they are choosing to obey and to stay in the marriage.  Where was their choice taken away?  Not one woman said one word about being forced/compelled into serving their husbands this way or staying in the marriage.  What is bullshit and wrong to you is your opinion but I would point out that many here are basing their disdain for these marriages on lack of choice and consent when that was never indicated.
quote:

What is beautiful about BDSM is what is so ugly about this shit.  BDSM is about exploring yourself, finding out what makes you tick and searching out and finding another soul who compliments that, is the  yang to your yin.  That surrender crap is an emotional straight jacket of platitudes.  Just like slapping some fucking slut upside the face COULD be BDSM if she spent the last five minutes begging you to use her and is abuse if she didn't (conceptually people!), a woman obeying a man is not necessarily BDSM and that crap has nothing to do with anything I desire, not just in my life but in the society I would like to see.

Well then, you have every right not to do it or associate with anyone who does.  Your definitions of "beautiful" and "ugly" are just that - yours.  You used the term "crap" twice in one brief paragraph - obviously this isn't for you and that's fine.  But please don't assume it's "crap," "ugly," and "wrong" in everyone's eyes or that the ones who see it that way have any right to degrade those who do not and find that it works for them.  This is still blowing my mind that people who, as a whole, feel anything that is your "kink" is great are having such a vehement reaction to these women and how they choose (and they DO choose or they wouldn't be doing it or staying in the marriage) to live their lives..........luci

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/23/2007 8:58:00 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AmyGirl
As I wrote earlier, the media slanted the book's words, as well as perspective, by leaving out a good deal of the sections that added balance, stressed exploring yourself and your motivations for actions. The slanted viewpoint seems to be what this forum is having an issue with.
While the media clips would have you believe otherwise, the book DOES talk about relating this way being a CHOICE appropriate for SOME marriages.
Laura Boyle is not advocating all this for the " sake of the man staying happy". The media placed that slant on it.

The media would actually slant their perspective to effectively ensure a certain reaction from viewers?????  Say it ain't so, AmyGirl.  I always thought they were totally fair and balanced.
quote:

Some direct quotes from the book (the debate got me going so I had to go dig out my copy):
directly qouting text from pg. 19 - 20
"Surrendering to your husband is not about returning to the fifties or rebelling against feminism.
This book isn't about dumbing down or being rigid.
It's certainly not about subservience.
It's about following some basic principles that will help you change your habits and attitueds to restore intimacy to your marriage. It's about having a relationship that brings out the best in both of you, and growing together as spiritual beings. Surrendering is both gratifying and terrifying, but the results - peace, joy and feeling good about yourself and your marriage - are proven.

Oh......now that does offer a slightly different perspective. 
quote:

The basic principles of a surrendered wife are that she:
Relinquishes inappropriate control of her husband
Respects her husband's thinking
Receives his gifts graciously and expresses gratitude for him
Expresses what she wants without trying to control him
Relies on him to handle household finances
Focuses on her own self-care and fulfillment.

I don't know about all that.  Sounds pretty creepy, sickening, icky, wrong, crappy, and abusive to me
quote:

A surrendered wife is:
Vulnerable where she used to be a nag
Trusting where she used to be controlling
Respectful where she used to be demeaning
Grateful where she used to be dissatisfied
Has faith where she once had doubt.
A surrendered wife has abundance where she once was impoverished, and typically has more disposable income and more satisfying, connected sex than she did before she surrendered."
end quote. Nothing said in any of that about surrendering being for the sake of the man's happiness!

Thanks for taking the time to actually quote lines from the book itself.  Hopefully that will provide a tiny bit of perspective.
quote:

Some chapter headings not represented in the media clip:
4. Take care of youself first
5. Express your desires
10. Avoid setting up a negative expectation
11. Stop reading his mind
14. Set limits by saying "I can't"
15. Strive to be vulnerable
16. Admit it when you're hurt
18. Listen for the heart message
27. Spend your energy surplus on yourself
What I hear in most of those is that the woman's quality of life and desires are every bit as important as her man's. It pretyt much starts out with "take care of yourself first" and ends with "Spend your energy surplus on youself" with lots of self care sprinkled throughout.

Beautiful.  Thanks much, AmyGirl.............luci

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/23/2007 9:05:03 AM   
gooddogbenji


Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline
WOULD EVERYONE PLEASE READ AMYGIRL'S POSTS??? 
 
They are long, but explain it well, and should end the debate (except for intolerant jackasses)

Yours,


benji

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(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/23/2007 9:09:03 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
......yup........luci

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/23/2007 9:15:50 AM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

What is beautiful about BDSM is what is so ugly about this shit. 


Well said!

Someone earlier said we should respect eachother's kink, but I see this less as kink and more as neoconservative family politics.  One of the ideas that is represented on the boards is making a concerted effort not to involve UMs in your kink.  Talking about repsecting and obeying daddy is crossing the line for me.  Teaching your daughter that obeying the (male) head of the household is where my tepid support ends.  Female submission and feminism are not mutually exclusive.  As depicted in this clip, the surrendered wife and feminism *are* at odds.  Yurp.

I don't find arguments that women have stripped men of their masculinity compelling.  Are men, as a group, so weak that women must shut themselves up to protect men?  I hope not.  Why should women make themselves weaker to make up for their partner's deficiencies?  I get it that nagging doesn't work, but there must be some middle ground between nagging and abdicating your own voice in your relationship.  Again, I am not down on submission.  I'm down on suppresion of the self.

Did these women seem happy or content to anyone?  They didn't to me.  I found that troubling.

That aside, I think the woman in the blindfold and her sartorially challenged husband should look into loving female authority, because she's not changing her wiring anytime soon ...

MSS

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(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/23/2007 9:29:26 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive
Someone earlier said we should respect eachother's kink, but I see this less as kink and more as neoconservative family politics.
And therefore not to be respected?  If any family has their own "family politics" I don't think it's our place to tell them they are wrong simply because we wouldn't do it that way.
quote:

One of the ideas that is represented on the boards is making a concerted effort not to involve UMs in your kink.  Talking about repsecting and obeying daddy is crossing the line for me.

Yes, for you.  That means you shouldn't do it.  That does not mean these women shouldn't.  I'm still amazed that it is seen as so sick and wrong to teach children to respect and obey their father.  WTF?????  What is wrong about that?
quote:

 Female submission and feminism are not mutually exclusive.  As depicted in this clip, the surrendered wife and feminism *are* at odds.  Yurp.

Nope.  The slanted, biased clip certainly doesn't prove any such thing.
quote:

Why should women make themselves weaker to make up for their partner's deficiencies?
 
They shouldn't and they didn't.  I'm not sure any deficiencies on either part were evident.
quote:

I get it that nagging doesn't work, but there must be some middle ground between nagging and abdicating your own voice in your relationship.  Again, I am not down on submission.  I'm down on suppresion of the self.

What if a submissive sees suppressing certain parts of her "self" as a valid ingredient of her brand of submission?  What do you support then?  Should she not be permitted to submit in the way she wants to and that works for her without being told it's wrong?
quote:

Did these women seem happy or content to anyone?  They didn't to me.  I found that troubling.

Not everyone who is happy goes around giggling or with a smile plastered on their face.  I certainly don't.  Watching a 15 minute clip where these women didn't "look" happy enough is certainly not a solid basis by which to judge whether or not they truly are happy and fulfilled.........luci
Edited to add:  I just noticed the contradiction in the first two quotes of yours I used.  In the first one, you said you see this "less as kink and more as neoconservative family politics."  In the next quote, you mention how they shouldn't involve the UM's in "their kink."  So which is it?  It's not kink until the kids get mentioned then it is?  Confusing.........


< Message edited by slaveluci -- 6/23/2007 9:36:07 AM >


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(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/23/2007 9:47:36 AM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline
Again, I see this as wanting a conservative family, which is fine for them.  I do not, however, see it as BDSM.

It's fine to respect one's father as well as one's mother.  In conservative families that I know, both are honored (albeit differently).  What I find a little gross (yes, gross) is the sexual/power exchange submission between the mother and the father is held up as the ideal for the daughter.  No, I'm not saying it's sexual for the father and daughter.

I didn't say that the clip proved anything.  It's a thirteen minute video.  I said that feminism and the surrendered wife seemed at odds from what I saw.  Read what I'm saying, please.  It seems like an uncritical reversion to the roles of the 50s or earlier.

As to women making themselves weaker, that was a response to an earlier post.  The trope of women emasculating men by being outspoken has been around since the late 60s.  I don't see how stronger woman must equal weaker man.  That's not particular to this conversation.  I've always found that argument to be rather unfounded.

I don't support the suppression of the self.  Some of the most intense submissives and slaves I have encountered see the casting away of themselves or their sense of self as a greater embracing of their submission or their "reallest" self.  While it might look like suppression, it seems to actually bring them closer to who they are.  I'm fine with that.  But just biting down on your own needs and thoughts?  No.  And, *as I interpreted some of the women in the video,* suppression seemed to be at work. 

No, you don't have to be grinning to be happy.  But none of these women -- again, to me -- seemed serene or happy or content.  They seemed to be muted.

I am giving my response to the video.  You seem to be taking criticism of the video and the ideas it represents as an attack on you.  That's certainly not my intent.

MSS

< Message edited by MySweetSubmssive -- 6/23/2007 9:50:16 AM >


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(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/23/2007 10:10:05 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive
Again, I see this as wanting a conservative family, which is fine for them.  I do not, however, see it as BDSM.

Whether it is or is not considered BDSM doesn't really matter to me.  It's how they live and that is what is being questioned and criticized here.  I don't think it matters how it's labeled.  It is what it is and, to most who've posted here, there's something inherently wrong with it.  I just happen to totally disagree.
quote:

It's fine to respect one's father as well as one's mother.  In conservative families that I know, both are honored (albeit differently).  What I find a little gross (yes, gross) is the sexual/power exchange submission between the mother and the father is held up as the ideal for the daughter.  No, I'm not saying it's sexual for the father and daughter.

We must have seen different videos because all I saw was a mother and daughter making a cake and the mother saying they were doing it to please the little girl's daddy.  I certainly saw nothing sexual mentioned or even alluded to.  Guess it's all in the interpretation of the remarks. 
quote:

I said that feminism and the surrendered wife seemed at odds from what I saw.  Read what I'm saying, please.  It seems like an uncritical reversion to the roles of the 50s or earlier.

I read it.  If you will read AmyGirl's posts, you will see that it is specifically mentioned in the book that it is NOT a "reversion" to that time period. 
quote:

I don't support the suppression of the self.  Some of the most intense submissives and slaves I have encountered see the casting away of themselves or their sense of self as a greater embracing of their submission or their "reallest" self.  While it might look like suppression, it seems to actually bring them closer to who they are.

Exactly.  Same here.
quote:

But biting down on your own needs and thoughts?  No. 

Again, I'm not certain that is what is happening with these women.  Who's to say that they aren't "casting away" their sense of self in order to more greatly embrace their "realest" self?  Everyone is assuming that just because they don't slap the BDSM label on it, that that is not what's occurring. (embracing their realest self, that is).
quote:

I am giving my response to the video.  You seem to be taking criticism of the video and the ideas it represents as an attack on you.  That's certainly not my intent.
  I'm not saying the criticism is against me personally but, as everything these women represent is what I live daily and how my parents functioned in their 33 year long ecstatically happy marriage, excuse me if I take words such as "creepy," "sick," "crap," "wrong," and "abusive" a bit personally.  When someone looks at a model of your relationship/life and calls it those things, it's hard to separate their disgust for that "model" from my real life................slave luci



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To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Surrendered Wives on "60 minutes" Austrailia - 6/23/2007 11:53:15 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DedicatedDom40

Oh, I see what you're saying.....

Just because these couples are well off financially, dress normal, dont look like white trash kinksters, and don't own a dungeon, their level of involvement is simply nothing more than a fad.



No, you DO NOT see what I'm saying. I was elaborating on the concept.  It's not new and it does cycle.  Most rently, it presents itself as the "full qauiver" movement http://www.fullquivermission.com/, prior to that it was Phyllis Schaffly in the 70's.
 
Geeeesch, I didn't intend to piss in your Post Toasties! LOL

(in reply to DedicatedDom40)
Profile   Post #: 40
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