taintedgypsy
Posts: 228
Joined: 2/10/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Aswad
ownedgirlie,
No problem. I agree that things stay with you; all experiences do. I merely meant it in the sense you said, that it doesn't have to be a burden, or a defining element of who you are. One can have been exposed to such a thing and not say "I am a victim" as a statement of identity. And I was not saying it cannot take time to get to the point of making the choice, just that much of the reason for it taking that long is related to the kind of response one gets from society. If there was a general attitude that was less inclined toward the mindset of the perpetual victim, then most would recover a lot sooner, and there would be less reinforcement and validation of their own perception of helplessness.
Health,
al-Aswad.
I disagree, I had no real memories of what happened to me, the aftermath of it was so disturbing that I did not speak for months and when I did I was no longer the little girl I was. I was a princess who loved her rag doll and her dresses ... I became a tom boy who played football and never wore a dress as you could not climb in them. I became an extreemly agressive and angry young woman after I was removed from the violence at 22yrs of age. Plagued by nightmares yet no idea why, only a knowledge that something had happened, no memory. In my early 30s I began to recall somethings that matched with the nightmares but never really dealt with it just buried it as deep as I could dig in my mind. In my 40s I began to question, to wonder at why I was different in many ways. One morning 2 yrs ago I woke up and remembered everything, I pretty much lost my mind over the next 12mths and have been all but a recluse for the last 6 mths dealling with everything and putting myself back together with professional help.
What happened to me as a child and a young adult was without doubt a "defining element" of who I became. I knew I had been a victim, yet had no true knoweldge of just how bad it was and that lack of knowledge kept me a victim long after I termed myself a survivor. If I had known the whole story, if I had have sought help at a younger age, would I have been so angry for so many years?, would I have failed in so many relationships if I had understood where this deep mistrust came from?
"One can have been exposed to such a thing and not say "I am a victim" as a statement of identity."
I feel that sometimes one needs to say this, to relise that they were a victim and have been a victim for long after the fact. I needed to validate why I was the way I was before I could move forward. I needed to stand up and say "YES, I am a victim" and "yes I was and am helpless" ... cry and morn and greive all that was lost ... only then was I able to seek ways to arm myself against helplessness and realise that I was no longer helpless ... only then was I able to make a choice on whether I was going to control my life or whether I was going to allow what happened to control what was left of my life. Only after this statement of my identity was I able to work on reshaping and reinventing my identity.
"If there was a general attitude that was less inclined toward the mindset of the perpetual victim, then most would recover a lot sooner, and there would be less reinforcement and validation of their own perception of helplessness." All the king's horses and all the king's men could not put humpty dumpty back together again.
Perception of helplessness ...
I could not understand why no one came to help when I was raped at 23yrs of age, till I realised that I never made a sound, my screams were only in my head, no one heard them so no one came. I spent a childhood where my only defence was to accept in silence, my only retaliation was that he could not make me scream or beg, I had watched my mother scream and beg, it did her no good and somehow seemed to give him satisfaction ... this silence was my strength as a child yet as an adult was my undoing ... does this make me helpless?
My only escape as a child was to tie myself in a tree and sleep in peace, he could not find me, he could not hurt me ... does this mean I was not helpless? A pitiful little girl asleep tied in a tree, yet I was able to avoid a beating, able to escape my mother's pain that I could not stop, does this make me a coward and helpless?
I would rather society was a little more compassionate, that it did validate and reinforce that there is such a thing as a helpless victim, and not make so many people feel guilt and shame that they should somehow of been able to do something to prevent what happened. Perptual victim is never a choice it is a consequence; bad decissions based on corrupted learning can make someone live a pertual cycle that allows them to become a victim over and over, a life that has left them with so little self worth or value that they believe there is no choice, that they deserve all they get, this can make them a perpetual victim, so damaged and weak within themselves that they can not even make a choice not to be a victim? A society that throws them away as so much flotsum because they are a helpless victim, lacking the skills, learning and self esteem to pull themselves out of this cycle. Arm them with weapons to survive and build them up,show them compassion, validate their helplessnessand provide them with tools to end it but if it is not possible then do not condemn them, just be grateful that it is not you.
I am a survivor, I am no longer a victim, however I will never "recover". I missed so much crucial learning as a child, my emotions are not what is considered "normal" and they never will be. I will never be who I could have been, I will never reach some expected potential. I can how ever live a full and happy life, I can learn to understand how it is I differ and through understanding I will learn to compensate. Humpty dumpty can be put back together ... but he will never look or be the same as he was, he was to badly damaged.
If someone's leg is shattered, they will limp for the rest of their life, they will be limited in what they can do by the new physical boundries imposed by the injury ... victims are damaged and some can recover and do everything that they could before the incident, but some need to learn to live with there new boundries ... this however need not make them perpetual victims, unless society makes them feel that way.
_____________________________
..."Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass ... It is about learning to dance in the rain."
Equal Opportunity Slut (Yeah ... best of both worlds lol)
warm smiles to all
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RE: Feelings of worthlessness - 
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