Why does it seem like subs always have to approach the Dom/me?

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Why does it seem like subs always have to approach the ... - 9/26/2007 4:56:06 AM

youngsubgeoff

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From: The Asylum
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It seems like most of the subs Ive spoken to, have had to make first contact with the dominant. Why is this? Why dont they contact us first?

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 5:14:29 AM

DMFParadox

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Advertise, bro. Strut your stuff. Be worthy.

You may be a submissive, but you're still a man, and men must hunt. Don't expect women to fall into your arms... mm, you're a sub... Don't expect to have a woman pull you into their arms without having enough skill and daring to attract them in the first place.

And don't complain. It's not sexy, and it's ultimately incorrect--being a man on the hunt is much better than being a woman that's hunted. Or being a man that's hunted. It really is. Irrespective of submissiveness or dominance or whatever, and ignoring pop culture references that show the 'good luck' of guys with women falling all over them with no justification... they are denied the chance to hunt, and that's not lucky. Just get over your anxieties and have fun.

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 5:28:01 AM

youngsubgeoff

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Well bro, Im just sick of doing the hunting. As for advertising, well, whats not to like? Im a young, strong sub, fairly intelligent, and a hell of a musician. Now if I can just find a decent pic of me...

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 7:21:02 AM

Sexynmentalinkc

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Joined: 4/14/2006
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First off...

I strongly abhor absolutes ("always", "never", etc.). Just a comment...

As to your topic...

It may seem that is the case but I can assure you it's not. After even just a few days of being here, a female sub can have pages and pages and pages of first-contacts - most of them being duds or deletables.

I actually tend to think this all works better when the female takes a more proactive stance and makes first contact with the ones that do seem to be real, respectful and not just the horny Net geek.

Your frustration is understandable and I've definitely had periods of not wanting to 'hunt'. So don't. Rest, recharge, knock out some life projects and just relax. I had a much better time here when I just decided that it was easier to allow interested parties to wink or whatever and then go from there.

Best o' luck!

*tips his hat*

- Mr. S

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 8:01:53 AM

youngsubgeoff

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it does seem kind of like a gender thing bro. I just wonder why it seems so wrong for a Dom/me to make the first move.

As for hunting, yeah Im sick of it. But I feel like if I dont put myself out there somehow, Ill never be noticed.

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 8:09:28 AM

Sexynmentalinkc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

it does seem kind of like a gender thing bro. I just wonder why it seems so wrong for a Dom/me to make the first move.

I don't think it's wholly a gender thing - people are people. They can be crass and disrespectful and make the first move (and get deleted). They can be assertive and respectful and make the first move (and have success, make friends and yes...have a chance to move further).

quote:

As for hunting, yeah Im sick of it. But I feel like if I dont put myself out there somehow, Ill never be noticed.

Absolutes are bad. If you think you'll "never be noticed"..and carry that attitude into how you relate to others then you may well be right.

If you don't believe 'it'...then that is why you may fail.

Just be you, be respectful, don't try overly hard and stay the course. It'll happen.

Just my 2 units of your local denomination,

*tips his hat*

- Mr. S

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 8:26:59 AM

MySweetSubmssive

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From: Lehigh Valley, PA
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I'll horn in ...

I *do* get in touch with submissive men, if somewhat infrequently. If someone catches my interest, I send a few paragraphs about what snagged my attention and we go from there. I send an initiatory letter somewhere between a few times a month and a few times a week.

There have been cases where, when I have gotten in touch with a submissive, that he has gotten a tad ... cocky. The attitude was "hey .... you got in touch with *me*," implying that I was the supplicant in the encounter. Granted, I could have been grateful that the person showed his colors so soon, but that soured me on initiating contact. I agree with DMFParadox to a certain extent. The energy feels appropriate *for me* when the man hunts -- though I think of it not as man the aggressor and more as the one come begging (smiling). I enjoy being courted. It's all in how you view it!

As to feeling tired of hunting, there can be fatigue for everyone, for both the men and the ladies. Take down time when you need it, and clarify what you are looking for and what you are offering.

MSS

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 8:33:46 AM

Lashra

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I've contacted a couple of femsubs that seemed interesting but after chatting a few times it seems our interests didn't mesh. I contacted one male sub that seemed to really be a good match as a beta sub and when he found out he couldn't move in with me RIGHT away I never heard from him again.

So I've given up looking for a second sub, particularly since my current sub and I are making future plans.

~Lashra

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 8:40:32 AM

Bearlee

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Actually, I imagine it's more of a numbers thing. There are about 10x as many men as women on sites like this. And wayyyyyyyyyy more submissive men than any other 'group'. And there are just more submissives in general than there are Dominants, too.

I would imagine to keep personal numbers up, a submissive of either sex might consider being pro-active and make as many introductions as they see fit. You know, even if the Dominants are contacting submissives; the numbers are skewed enough that many subs might never be contacted. <shrugs>

At any rate...I agree; it's really just personal preference. There is no should. There are no rules. Some feel one way, others another. You should do what feels right to you.

Beverly

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 8:57:20 AM

MySweetSubmssive

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(Ahhhhhhh .... you've only been here for a day. How can you know how often dominants get in touch with submissives?

(amused)

MSS

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 9:02:27 AM

littlesarbonn

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From: Stockton, California
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If you exude enough quality, they will contact you. It won't be like the women who get 900 emails a day just when they sign on, but every now and then a woman may contact you, inquiring about whether or not the two of you may be a match. The nicer thing about this is that whenever I've been approached, the match has been a lot more likely because in my opinion, women tend to actually read someone's profile before contacting a male than males ever do before contacting a woman. Yeah, that's a generalization, but I'd be willing to stand behind that one.

I'm one of those who rarely contacts a dominant woman, mainly because I figure I'm going to get lost in the barrage of men contacting them already. Yeah, it means I'm contacted EXTREMELY rarely, but that's okay. I've learned to live with that. I wouldn't want to belong to someone who wasn't interested in me in the first place, and it actually bothers me to think that I need to convince someone that she should be interested in me when she doesn't know me from anyone else. That approach really bothers me because I can easily rationalize that anything I say is just going to be "just words" because everyone else is putting forth that they are the perfect submissive for her as well, and often it takes a lot of time to find out who is sincere and who is out for his own jollies and the many variations of those two polar opposites.

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 9:25:02 AM

subnscottsdale

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There's just so many more men here than women. Men seem much more attracted to this lifestyle than women. It's simply a numbers game.

You can contact people your interested in and hope for the best, or wait to be contacted and hope for the best. Either way your chances are somewhat slim given the ratio of genders here.

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 9:56:45 AM

LotusSong

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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

It seems like most of the subs Ive spoken to, have had to make first contact with the dominant. Why is this? Why dont they contact us first?

I'd say, it's because there is nothing in the profile or personality that is attractive to them.

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 9:57:57 AM

toservez

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From: All over now in Minnesota
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bearlee

Actually, I imagine it's more of a numbers thing. There are about 10x as many men as women on sites like this. And wayyyyyyyyyy more submissive men than any other 'group'. And there are just more submissives in general than there are Dominants, too.

I would imagine to keep personal numbers up, a submissive of either sex might consider being pro-active and make as many introductions as they see fit. You know, even if the Dominants are contacting submissives; the numbers are skewed enough that many subs might never be contacted. <shrugs>

At any rate...I agree; it's really just personal preference. There is no should. There are no rules. Some feel one way, others another. You should do what feels right to you.

Beverly

I agree with this. Women sign up whether submissive or dominant and they get bombarded with messages. They can get use to or it takes up all their time to read these that they learn or get spoiled not to initiate.

I agree with others that is how it is for the most part but always good to search and write to someone you might be compatible with. Always good to increase your odds.

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 10:22:16 AM

denika

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IMO Dom/e/Tops-pick your term aren't mind readers, they don't know you are intrested in them unless you aproach them first, and staring across the room at them doesn't count lol. I know, I've tried.

I've been very fortunate that the two people that have intrested me I've approached and am definatly glad I did. That being said I have had several Dom-types approach me and to be honest most of them were the ones I was trying to avoid in the first place. It's hard to find geniune people without ulterier motives and agenda's.

Follow basic's manners, a polite hello and an introduction, tell them what intrested you the most about them without sounding like a stalker.Be genuine. If you wait for people to come to you, you will have alot of people to weed thru before finding the right one.

denika

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 12:49:01 PM

Celeste43

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There are a great many more male subs than female dommes. As far as your looks, that and five bucks will buy you a Starbucks. Your looks aren't what you are being judged by. Nor is the domme interested in being your porn star fantasy come to life.

One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You might want to think about that.

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 1:01:49 PM

plspickme

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One day and you're giving up? Although i received over 700 responses to my profile, only a handful were nice and in my opinion true gentlmen. So it's not the quantity it's the quality. i still didn't give up and now i have found my Sir and i am the happiest i've ever been. so hang in there. Also you might want to try submissivematch.com that is also a good site with mostly nice people . Good luck!

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 4:14:12 PM

youngsubgeoff

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Ive been on a couple other sites for a couple years now.

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 5:34:48 PM

LadyLynx

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I write to subs male and female consistantly. Some reply back, alot don't some are nice, some are snarky. (had this one young lady, who listed as 'bisexual' inform me that she wasn't attracted to women, then threatened to curse me. huh all I said was 'Blessed Be') youngsubgeoff, your young, finding someone that suits your needs and wants takes time. it all depends on your criteria.( Boy I am sure getting alot of milage outta that word this week, and all having to do with roughly the same topic!) like where are you looking,monogamus,polyamourous, bisexual (you or her.)sadist, etc etc. the list could go on and on. And alot of times, the more you add to it, the harder it can be to find a good match.

My Advice to you is: Hook up with your local community if you have one. even if you have to drive a ways. Most bdsm communities have munches, classes/workshops,public play parties, and other such events. While internet can be a good place to look, it only goes so far. Widen your horizons, be respectful of others, (when going to a munch or play party find out what rules if any that you need to know!) Good Luck!

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RE: Why does it seem like subs always have to approach ... - 9/26/2007 7:41:31 PM

subartist

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Well, I hate this too, and am myself terribly frustrated. But in a way, it does seem right for a sub to have to present himself to a Domme, and for her to pick and choose; it's an act of submission to itself. That said, I've all but given up on sending emails to women I don't know, they already get too many replys.

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