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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch.


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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 12/30/2007 10:10:36 PM   
Violently


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From: Uk West Midlands
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This is my first real post to this forum so yay me! ;-)
It's a topic I've been thinking on for a while - the labels which we choose to adopt for ourselves seem somehow never to fully express our individuality.

The problem I've had with the term switch is in a way its language.
As a word, it somehow conveys a very flickering or inconsistent nature, and in some ways I think that is part of what people misunderstand about switches.
At the same time, I think "switch" as a BDSM identity covers a plethora of in-between meaning.

To try and explain my point of view, I liken being switch as an identity as something that is similar to being bi-sexual.
The problem with the word bi-sexual is that it implies there are only two sexualities or genders of any significance and a bisexual is someone attracted to either gender (male or female). That excludes a whole bunch of individuals that do not belong to the male or female category - or even to the idea of the sexual; and there isn't a term for a person that simply describes themselves as liking people for being people rather than simply being attracted to their gender.

So on my collarme.com profile, I chose the word switch - not because I "switch" between identities, I really don't see myself in that light at all.
I think of myself as being a make up of both components of D/s S/m T/b at any given time, sometimes even neither components.
If there was a way to just say I was a Me as an identity, which made sense to anyone else outside of people who bothered to look past any label at all, that would be it. I would opt for the option to call myself Misc. as an identity. Unfortunately, people seem most comfortable with known entities and identifiables, which really is illogical when you think about it because I think in the end, what attracts you about a person is the person, not their gender or identity.

I find I don't have answers... just more questions like these.

Do you have to be in an actively "switching" relationship to be considered "switch"?

If you had previously identified as a switch and have since hooked up with a Dom/sub and no longer desire or need to visit your other side - are you still switch?*

I appreciate when people say they need assurance that the idea of a True Dominant or true submissive etc.. gives them.
I think it's marvellous if there are such absolutes in the world and perhaps there are.
For me, my particular brand of truth is that people are just people and nothing is absolute or singular in nature in my experience.
Sometimes Dominants have moments of faltering weaknesses and submissives have the strength to carry the relationship through on their shoulders - it doesn't matter what the labels state.

*I'm bisexual (for lack of a better word) and in my earlier years, I had a very sweet boyfriend who remarked that I was now heterosexual as I didn't have a need to have a girlfriend because I was with him. I think it's the naivete of the age you are and it is one of my fondest memories. Just because you are bisexual doesn't mean you have to sleep around with both sexes all the time. Equally just because you are in a monogamous heterosexual relationship doesn't preclude your being bisexual.
In a similar way, I think it is entirely possible to be 100% Dominant and true to that identity whilst still thinking of yourself as switch.
Some people could understand that, and some people just don't have that ability. Nothing more or less.

Sincerely

Vio


Edited for spellink ;-)

< Message edited by Violently -- 12/30/2007 10:17:36 PM >

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 12/31/2007 1:54:46 AM   
liketophoto


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Sounds like you have a handle on what you are talking about.

(in reply to Violently)
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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 12/31/2007 5:43:57 PM   
G30


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Really sometimes people get too caught up in identification through labels. I completely agree with Violently on this one; its all about the individual relationship between two people.

(in reply to liketophoto)
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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 12/31/2007 7:46:42 PM   
missAnn77


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I also agree with violently, that we can be a switch without having to be that way all the time...wavering between two constants. W/we can be one for a while but still be considered a switch if that makes sense.

MissAnn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am who i am, nothing less, nothing more. -M/me

(in reply to G30)
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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 12/21/2008 10:06:55 AM   
boytoyinatlanta


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lol...there are plenty of non-true subs and dommes who also aren't switches...LOL

(in reply to colligocarus)
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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 12/22/2008 1:12:26 AM   
steviemichael


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quote:

ORIGINAL: bipolarber

. It's just amazing how often people fall into the "one end of the spectrum, or the other" mind set. They completely forget that sexuality, and your dominance/submission level is really a sliding scale... it can depend on mood, character, and who you are trying to relate to.



isint that the nature of the beast or dare I/i say the nature of the game being a 'switch'for the sake of a label we have the gift of both worlds of our sexuality.

_____________________________

switch/submissive male walking in the path of and learning of my true desires and enjoying what i am discovering

(in reply to bipolarber)
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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 12/28/2008 2:20:12 AM   
BondageBarbieX


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As a rule I do not consider switches either but that is just me...I like a true top ,100% Dominant. No offense.

(in reply to colligocarus)
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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 1/6/2009 11:20:17 AM   
Davis1450


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Yup, this seems to be a regular occurrence for switches.  For me, I personally identify as a switch because I have found in the past that I naturally adopt either a dominant or submissive role with my partners; there was only one instance where I truly switched for a single individual and she and I had (have!) a very close relationship and it was comfortable for us to play with some role reversal. 

As switches, we all get the best of both worlds!

(in reply to twistedwillow)
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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 1/6/2009 11:22:33 AM   
T1981


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Very thought provoking post and replies, thank you for writing this!

I have often wondered about the backlash against switches, and have related it to the backlash many people who identify as "bisexual" feel as well.

Sexuality is so rarely one or the other, kink is much the same way.

Good posts, thanks!


_____________________________

"Nothing is pointless, every single thing you do resonates." -Pintsize

(in reply to Davis1450)
Profile   Post #: 89
RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 1/6/2009 5:22:28 PM   
DavanKael


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Imo, the same sort of people who will summarily dismiss a switch as an option because they feel that they can't handle either side of the kneel adeptly are those who will state that a bi- person can't commit to/in a relationship because of being open to either sex.  Both assumptions are wrong but some people are ever-so-attached to their boxes.  It's particularly amusing when people make assertions that bi or switch folks don't exist; I suppose that makes me a figment of a lot of imaginations, including my own.  :>
  Davan

_____________________________

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-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
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(in reply to colligocarus)
Profile   Post #: 90
RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 1/8/2009 3:51:18 PM   
pdv99


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From: UK
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An awful lot of people in BDSM land still have this belief that people are "born" either Dom/me or sub, and that anyone who says they are switch is either a) lying about their true nature, or b)deluded, or c)a dangerous pervert from the "true path". OK, well, I may be a pervert, cos I don't think there is one true path (and for numerous other reasons), I think there's delightful variety of ways, and everyone has dom and sub traits to different degrees. A lot of the fun lies in finding out what works between 2 people.
I guess as has been said, many assume that if you are switch you would only be compatible with another switch.

(in reply to colligocarus)
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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 1/9/2009 7:25:00 AM   
ALAstella


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Joined: 12/3/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pdv99

An awful lot of people in BDSM land still have this belief that people are "born" either Dom/me or sub, and that anyone who says they are switch is either a) lying about their true nature, or b)deluded, or c)a dangerous pervert from the "true path". OK, well, I may be a pervert, cos I don't think there is one true path (and for numerous other reasons), I think there's delightful variety of ways, and everyone has dom and sub traits to different degrees. A lot of the fun lies in finding out what works between 2 people.
I guess as has been said, many assume that if you are switch you would only be compatible with another switch.


Exactly. Couldn't have put it better myself.

Additionally when it comes to true, it's my belief that each and every one of us is true or real. Someone who says you're not never negates you, but says far more about them than it does you.

(in reply to pdv99)
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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 1/15/2009 7:43:09 PM   
SirSwitchAlot


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/19/2007
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Different individual views vary when it comes to Switching . I would say to a person who Switches,be true and proud unto yourself. My belief is that there are those who Switch for a good reason. I also feel that those who've experienced both sides of the lap or lash hold an advantage to those who have not. Switching proves ones versatility. Switches can and have been both Top and Bottom...The ability to Switch adds dimension to ones sexual persona. Obviously,this comes from an advocate of Switching,lol.

< Message edited by SirSwitchAlot -- 1/15/2009 7:46:02 PM >

(in reply to twistedwillow)
Profile   Post #: 93
RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 1/27/2009 5:27:10 PM   
themischievous1


Posts: 151
Joined: 4/3/2005
From: San Antonio, Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: twistedwillow

Anyway he replied back saying that he had read my profile and that he saw that I was listed as a switch, which he wasn't interested in because he wanted a 'true' Domme. I replied back wishing him well in his search, and left it at that.

Now my question is how many switches on here have had similar experiences where they have been seen as 'less than'  Dom  or sub because they are switches?

twisted


I became so tired of the "you're not submissive enough" "you're more dominant than submissive" that I finally changed my label to switch; that way I didn't get anymore grief and I could simply be who and whatever I am, which consists of shades of submissive and dominant. How I ID changes based upon who I'm in a relationship with. Some people bring out my submissive side and some bring out my dominant side. Either way though, I consist of both and I believe that most people do if they're being honest about it.

Sure, some are often more of one than the other but there are parts of both present in everyone. Anyway, the judgment on switches is often misplaced. It's silly high school hogwash. I'm seeking a partner that is willing to know me for who I am, who is deep, sensitive, kind, and loving. I'm completely uninterested in those who play games and denigrate others, or who can't see beyond these silly labels everyone insists that we put on ourselves.

(in reply to twistedwillow)
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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 1/28/2009 12:35:54 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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Some people can not accept what they don't understand.
If you asked vanilla folk what BDSM meant to them, the majority would say "leather, whips, chains and dark dungeons and they may even go so far as to say/think that its some sort of devil worshiping covenance'. We can try to explain till we are blue in the face but because they have never had a disire to go there, they can have no comprehension of what it really is.

Not so long ago, all I ever wanted to do was dominate. On rare occasions I would fantasize about the other side but they were few and far between. I had absolutely no understanding of switch like behavior and I put my hand up and admit that I believed a switch to be more of the fluffy variaty! I imagined them saying to each other 'Now that I have spanked you, will you spank me?" and thats as far as I could get my head round it. I saw no depth.
Around that time I also believed that not a man on this earth could dominate me and that wasn't for want of trying. I have had many dominants trying to push that submissive button/trying to find that trigger but without success.
I proved myself wrong because I am now within a full on switch relationship where my partner possesses all the right skills to send my head spinning into a totally submissive head space. The relationship is so complex, so exciting and incredibly deep.
I see so much of myself in him and he see's so much of himself in me. Its like finding a big chunk of yourself thats been missing. For us it is nothing less than compleatness.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to themischievous1)
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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 1/28/2009 6:29:58 AM   
Nikitaa


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Joined: 1/26/2009
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I do not even know what "true domme" is. Judging from my mail there are not many dominatrix and many more submissives. I think this man foolish. Soon I think he will know of his mistake and he will begin using store mannequin for dominatrix. I hope he shop at Bloomingdales or Macys because mannequins at wall-mart are submissive.


(in reply to twistedwillow)
Profile   Post #: 96
RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 1/28/2009 7:53:20 AM   
T1981


Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
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I had to come back to this.

We recently had our first heavy play session with another couple, in which I got to top our new friend's sub (a woman). I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it ALOT. Being able to ride her reactions out and knowing that it was ME who was producing them was an incredible high. I had to admit to myself that while I do identify as a sub, there is a sadist in me who enjoys inflicting pain upon willing girls. When I talked to my husband about this, he said it seemed naturual: After all, the more time you spend getting beat, the more experience you have in what feels good, what works, etc, etc. And to be able to GIVE BACK the wonderful sensations a good beating can give was wonderful, affirming, and extremely fun. After all, I can't very well beat my husband and get him off on it, so it was a real treat to be able to take someone else there.

This made sense.

And yet, I was still submissive to both of the dominant men in the room, which was wonderful as well.

So technically I'm a switch, but this doesn't mean that I'm a switch for any submissive gal or that I'd enjoy topping any woman. Given the choice, my ass is the one that prefers to be paddled, but for someone who likes it, I'm more than happy to paddle someone else's ass.

So am I not a "true" submissive simply because I know how wonderful being topped feels and because I want to give that to someone else? Am I not a "true" submissive because I find myself salivating at the idea of hurting someone (who likes it?) Am I not a "true" submissive because I enjoyed the gasps, the moans, the cries and occasional screams that came as a direct result of my hand upon her body?

Maybe. Maybe....just something for me to gnaw on today, I suppose......




< Message edited by T1981 -- 1/28/2009 7:58:26 AM >


_____________________________

"Nothing is pointless, every single thing you do resonates." -Pintsize

(in reply to Nikitaa)
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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 1/28/2009 10:27:42 AM   
hardbodysub


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This idea that a switch can't be as "true" a submissive or dominant is an unfortunate misconception.

By their very nature, dominance and submission are RELATIVE terms. Very, very, very, VERY FEW animals/people are ALWAYS one or the other. Only the one at the very top of the ladder is always dominant, and only the one at the bottom is always submissive. Among all the others, the dominance and submission are relative to the parties involved, and each is dominant to some and submissive to others.

Just take a look at any social order among mammals in the wild. Usually you have ONE alpha that is always dominant. The others are submissive to that one, but there is a pecking order among them, and the dominance established there is just as valid as the "top dog's".

(in reply to twistedwillow)
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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 1/28/2009 12:15:51 PM   
JustStephen


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Joined: 4/15/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Some people can not accept what they don't understand.
For us it is nothing less than completeness.



Its amazing

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 99
RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 1/28/2009 3:09:20 PM   
penitus


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/26/2008
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I have had the same experience with a sub.

(in reply to twistedwillow)
Profile   Post #: 100
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