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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 2/12/2009 6:33:30 AM

TwilightsKitten

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I actually wrote a journal entry about this that I will post here. Its just my humble feelings on the subject.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about who and what I am, and one topic that keeps coming to my mind is the concept of a switch. Some people seem to think that a switch is neither a submissive or a dominant, and that they are 50/50. My problem with this is, people assume both are on the same scale, and it only goes to 100. To me, submissiveness and dominance are each their own scales.For example, a switch could be dominant in most areas, and a total sub in the bedroom, or vice versa. A switch can even be all one and none of the other, depending on circumstance. Each switch is unique, and lumping them all together is just silly. In my case, I find I enjoy both sides equally. I'll even do a bit of both, but, I have this desire....no....a need really, to at the end of the day know what my role is. I could be a pet that is allowed to be dominant at times, or a master that allows his pet to be dominant at times. I could also be just a master, or just a pet. But to do be both 50/50 like some people think a switch should....its not me, or alot of us for that matter. All me really being a switch means is I can be a master, or a pet. What it comes down to is who I find and share my life with. It doesn't mean I'm greedy, just that I am open to either, and can be happy as either. I'm not diminished as a submissive because I can be dominant, nor am I diminished as a dominant because I can be submissive. If anything, being both has given me insight how to treat either one; to be a good master, or a good pet. I'm not saying I am better then a pure submissive or dominant either, just that switches shouldn't be devalued because of their nature.I guess for me, this journal entry is a way to express my feelings and thoughts that I can't express elsewhere. Maybe someone will learn something from this and even if only 1 person does, it'd be worth it.

~*Kitten*~

That was my entry, and my opinion. I hope it provides a little insight.

~*Kitten*~

(in reply to penitus)

RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 2/14/2009 10:11:14 PM

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     I agree with many of you that others are uncomfortable with switches and they cannot comprehend how we can be in the "middle". I am a switch but not in the middle, and I think this is because I am more in touch with my needs than some. I have been told that I am not submissive, but I enjoy submitting for the endorphin high; like a trade-off. I enjoy being a Domme and bringing another to that high as well. There is a Dom I play with who gives me what I need. There are some subs who I play with who also give me what I need. I am fulfilling all the parts of myself that have a need. Selfish? Greedy? Maybe, but so what? I'm happy, they're happy, and quite frankly I don't care what others think or choose to label me as. Thats really whats important isn't it? Having your needs met and being happy.
    Some have a need to serve and they serve the one's who have a need to be served. They are clicking. Who's to say their click is better than mine?
    My suggestion is that guy is not right for you, right now. Maybe his mind will open in the future and he will see things differently, but for now, move along and find someone who is ready for all that you are and will give you what you need.

(in reply to TwilightsKitten)

RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 2/20/2009 11:12:51 AM

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Iam a switch,but I think that I top for the bottom. Joan

(in reply to colligocarus)

RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 3/15/2009 8:04:36 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

I'm one of those who would have refused, just as I would have refused someone who is bisexual. Simply because I'm monogamous and looking for a long term relationship and there is no way that I would want to be with a partner I couldn't fulfill.

Being bisexual means you are attracted to both sexes, not that you have a need to be with both sexes, simultaneously. I know many bisexuals (myself included) who are capable of monogamy without feeling unfulfilled. And it's certainly possible to be unable to fulfill the needs of straight people - look at the divorce rates!

(in reply to Celeste43)

RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 3/24/2009 7:38:09 PM

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Likebeing a switch give&receive SPANKINGS&PADDLINGS

(in reply to twistedwillow)

RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 3/26/2009 1:24:26 AM

ThoughtfulSwitch

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Joined: 2/7/2005
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I've made this experience as well... Luckily not during R/T, but i.e. a few days ago I just stumbled into a profile telling me that this person does not wish contact to wannabe's, switches and liars. That hurts - more than once being accused in public not to be a true sub (without knowing by the way...)

I mean, I understand that some people, who know nothing about us, may believe we are not able to be truly dominant or submissive - but it's another thing to be classified as a fake.

This users profile already disappeared, but sadly there are enough left. I don't want to overdraw this, but in my opinion being switch makes it far more difficult to get in contact via internet. In R/T this is of course less a problem, because here we are not marked.

(in reply to paddlebottom)

RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 3/27/2009 7:56:19 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ThoughtfulSwitch

I've made this experience as well... Luckily not during R/T, but i.e. a few days ago I just stumbled into a profile telling me that this person does not wish contact to wannabe's, switches and liars. That hurts - more than once being accused in public not to be a true sub (without knowing by the way...)

I mean, I understand that some people, who know nothing about us, may believe we are not able to be truly dominant or submissive - but it's another thing to be classified as a fake.

This users profile already disappeared, but sadly there are enough left. I don't want to overdraw this, but in my opinion being switch makes it far more difficult to get in contact via internet. In R/T this is of course less a problem, because here we are not marked.

That's downright disgusting as far as I'm concerned. Just the way they grouped those.

I don't identify as a switch at this point in my life but it's been very interesting to hear what you all have to say. As I'm still very new to exploring this side of myself, I've seen/heard a load of nonsense in just about every way. Seems I'm in good company there.

While I can't relate about the switch aspect, I can relate about the bisexual one but from the "other side". I know I'd never rule out someone who is bi because that's how they are. Doing so, I believe it would cut a lot of potential positives out of the picture. Could easily take out the word "bi" there and insert "switch", especially since the two have been compared here earlier.

(Posting hymen is broken, no excuse to lurk any more!)

(in reply to ThoughtfulSwitch)

RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 3/28/2009 7:28:22 PM

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From: Chico, Nor-Cali
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Beautifully said, Orchid, thank you . . . . . . I wholeheartedly agree with your statement, & want to add some of my thoughts on the subject:

First, in general, I tend to think that those who make the biggest fuss about a topic are the ones who have the biggest issues about that topic: eg, all those macho guys who carry on & on about how straight they are always set off my closeted-bi detectors . . . . . lol

Given how many ostensibly straight men seek sex with men on the down-low (check out the craigslist men-seek-men ads sometime to induce some appropriate cynicism on the subject) , I just generally suspect all those claiming to exist at the far ends of the continua (straight-bi-gay, dom-switch-sub, & etc) of actually existing more in the grey-ambiguous-complicated-middle but being less aware of their own (subconscious) nature . . . . . My own obnoxious opinion, mostly kept to myself, most of the time . . . . . lol

With bi, switches, or bi-switches it feels more 'honest' to me . . . . . . . Frankly, if my 'straight dom' turned gay & sub on me that would feel far more world-shaking than if my bi-switch went, well, bi-switch on me . . . . . .

I've been less than thrilled with the topping skills of the 'strictly dom' types I've been around, many clearly displaying the fact that they have no idea how it feels to receive what they're dishing out, & in a not-good way . . . . & as a top I'm only really interested in doing to bottoms things I'm familiar with from bottoming myself . . . . .

& yeah, I've totally had that, 'oh, you're a switch . . . . ' shit pulled on me, & I side with the I'm-better-off-without-that-person school of thinking . . . . . lol . . . . . That, & I greatly prefer bi-switches, given a preference . . . . lol

But, here on CollarMe, I maintain dom, switch, & sub profiles, mostly cuz it does a better job of meeting _my_ needs . . .. . lol . . . . . (& for the very very few who hang in for more than 3 or 4 emails, I've got a whole list of disclosure items, one of the least of which is that I occasionally like to switch . . . . . .. )

At munches & such, I alternate between calling myself a 'sado-masochistic bi-switch' & calling myself a 'naturally dominant sadomasochist who occasionally likes to bottom, & even likes to sub once in a while, with the right person' . . . . . . lol

Thankfully, I'm gonna leave 'truth' to the philosophers for the moment . . . . . lol

Best,
The Demon, Kia

(in reply to Orchid63)

RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 4/1/2009 5:01:13 PM

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I spent the better part of my life being in charge.... in charge of my 3 younger siblings, my parents business, a leader in my community. I wanted to know what it was like to be on the bottom for one. To give up the control and authority that I've always had. I spent time with two girlfriends who thought they were Dommes, but both ended up just being rough play partners. 7 years ago I finally found a woman who could be both my girlfriend and my "Daddi," and I could finally give up that control. But it didn't last long, and although I love the spankings, paddling, bondage and so on, I still crave Topping. So, as a switch, I bottom only to Daddi and Top everyone else we play with. I do get the best of both worlds, but still, according to the Old Guard of the BDSM gay lifestyle, I'm just someone who can't make up my mind.

Respectfully from the bottom most of the time,
PAboipup

(in reply to DemonKia)

RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 4/17/2009 11:34:10 PM

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On this site I call myself a switch because that is technically the most accurate thing to say. I also call myself bi on this site because as far as fetish purposes are concerned I am. In practice, I am more submissive than dominant, and more into men than women. I would only be in a relationship with a man, and in such a relationship I would only sub for him. There's something very unappealing to me about sub men....no offense to all of your out there, it just isn't for me. I am in a monogamous relationship, but if we bring someone in to play with us it is usually a woman. In that case, and in that case only, I would dominate. I don't much like the idea of being dominated by a woman, though that is not an absolute, of course. I also would never pursue a woman independently. For the sake of fetish play, I am a bisexual and a switch because I am not against playing around with a woman, and in that case I would be more in my element dominating. That sort of thing can't be expressed so easily using options on the profiles here, so I figured I would go with the more general identifications as to not confuse people.

(in reply to PAboipup)

RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 5/2/2009 4:19:09 PM

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I can be a "real" dom when I got corporal on my left, and a "real" sub when that is replaced with a Major.

I can carry that over to bedroom....I dont see the difficulty.

(in reply to colligocarus)

RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 5/4/2009 5:42:34 AM

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What I've seemed to find is that 1. no one reads the profile 2.some people think they know you better than you know yourself 3. being in the lifestyle to me always meant you were "openminded" unlike the vanilla counterpart, not so much
...So keep looking, don't try and make someone fit, just find the one who does. They are out there. Good luck!

(in reply to twistedwillow)

RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 5/5/2009 6:24:22 PM

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People do have their preferences, wrong or wright, I wouldn't say it is close minded, it might just be the fact that you could also enjoy being dominated would ruin it for him. Though the term "true" in that respect is absolutely ridiculous, I always thought switches have the best of both worlds and I'm often curious how things feel in subspace, but resigned myself to the fact that I seem to be lacking the "subby gene", but for those who have are and enjoy being switches, all the more power to them! Why not enjoy the best of both worlds?

The guy could possibly have picked his words a bit better, and in the end it is his loss, but then there would always be the chance that he might not have been your type anyway...

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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 5/12/2009 3:43:02 PM

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Wow...this thread has helped me so much...after years of honing my Domme skills....I'vemet the first person EVER who has drawn out submissive feelings in me I wasn't even aware existed. I've had difficulty grappling with this...I actually felt shame at one point that these feelings somehow invalidated everything I had built up as a Dominant woman. I'm sure there are those out there who would frown upon this, but I'm beginning toembrace the full spectrum of my sexuality and am finding it strangely liberating.

(in reply to colligocarus)

RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 5/12/2009 6:02:05 PM

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I always let the person asking know right away that I am DOMME and not looking for a switch at all,and have taken some in and they have said that it does take pressure off of them,go figure ,if you prefer to be 100% sub?or DOMME you should feel okay with that.

(in reply to colligocarus)

RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 5/12/2009 9:55:29 PM

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dont get so snippy PrincessD... everyones different. and i am glad uve found a new part of ur self to explor and have fun in Goddess. i feel it would be boring if i could only be one... its not who i am so.. i dont try and be jsut one. im me... thats the best i can do. im srry if this annoys people but... meh.. my life.

H >:)

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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 5/13/2009 10:59:11 AM

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I have had the same problem as well, exacerbated by the fact that I am young. People say I am just experimenting and I just don't know what I want. I believe that the dom/sub scale is similar to the sexuality scale. I am also bisexual and sometimes find myself leaning towards one gender or another depending on my mood. Similarly I find myself being more dominant or more submissive depending on my mood and who I am playing with (more dependent on who I am with).

To say that people can only really be one way or another is ridiculous, and is like saying that bisexual people are just confused. I don't understand why people feel such a need to label themselves as "dom" or "sub" or anything like that. It's not quantified, it's fluid. Ergh.

EDIT: Just because I am bisexual and a switch DOES NOT mean that I have to have both sides of each fulfilled all the time. I am perfectly happy with my boyfriend who I have been dating for almost 2 years now. I have not felt a need to have relations with anybody else because we are in love and when you love somebody you generally don't have a sexual interest in somebody else. Therefore people who are saying that it would be impossible to date a bisexual because they would need the opposite gender are completely full of shit. Sure, if we find a girl for a three-way or to dominate us (he is very supportive of this), I'd enjoy it, but that does not mean I am off looking for a girl at all times.

Similarly, I am happy providing one role in a relationship, as long as it is compatible. I would be fine being only a sub for an acceptable dom. I would be happy being a dom for somebody that I would enjoy having as a sub. I am lucky enough to have a boyfriend that also switches, but as he is more submissive, I end up domming more and I enjoy it.

Some people have such a skewed sense of things. It makes me sad. :(

< Message edited by fourierseries -- 5/13/2009 11:14:08 AM >

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RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 5/13/2009 11:16:31 AM

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BINGO! Spot on! Whatever floats your boat. If it brings you and your partner/playmate pleasure - it is right! Those who prefer to stick to strict labels, Dom sub, whatever, that's what they enjoy. God love them. They just shouldn't force a label on me (us) or offer an unpleasant opinion, I don't judge them. I yam what I yam - And I like it! If they understand this we'll all just get along fine.

(in reply to fourierseries)

RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 5/14/2009 1:09:33 AM

Miwsi

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Joined: 2/25/2009
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Heh. I can see how that would be an issue.

Well there was someone on CM who PMed me and was being very rude.
Here's the story if anyone's interested. Hope this isn't a problem. No names included.

Just because I did not respond to their PM right away they called me a whore, a bad sub, etc.
When I asked why they were calling me these things they arrogantly responded that it was because I did not answer them upon first contact or whatever and I should be punished with some terrible means and expletives. So then I told them that I see they're a switch, and at least I know my place ;) Then he was like "and if I was completely a Dominant?" I said "That don't fly with me, young son".

So he says "Right. but now im in a dominant mood."

Uh huh. I respond again,
"Why does it matter to you?

Besides, you're too young.
You're also very presumptuous and rude.

Have a nice day!"

Then he sends me one last PM with a "present" for me: a picture of his cock. I block him, but only after I tell him that's repugnant, I don't want to look at his cock.

It really was an undesirable, wormy thing.

But yeah. That's me being a funny bitch, but I don't entirely feel that way about Switches. It's nice to see this thread. I shall look through it.

(in reply to colligocarus)

RE: Not a 'true' Dom\sub because your a switch. - 5/14/2009 7:02:19 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Miwsi

Then he sends me one last PM with a "present" for me: a picture of his cock. I block him, but only after I tell him that's repugnant, I don't want to look at his cock.[/color]
[/size]
It really was an undesirable, wormy thing.

But yeah. That's me being a funny bitch, but I don't entirely feel that way about Switches. It's nice to see this thread. I shall look through it.

Didn't that picture prompt you to send him a nice "Thank you" note? Possibly with "Does a magnifying glass come with it?" or "Has anybody ever told you to only show off if you got something worth showing off?"

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(in reply to Miwsi)

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