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RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 8:49:50 AM

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist
No, the most unacceptable thing a person can confess to on here is to say that they are married, looking outside the marriage, and their spouse does not know

I'm not sure that is the worst act a human being can confess to but, as you say, many many folks here seem to think that indeed.

quote:

That to me is cowardice. To use the excuse that he's trapped and now has to 'pay for it'.... what a crock of shit

Your opinion is noted. Without any details of this guy's marriage, none of us have a single clue as to why he feels "trapped" or what he feels "trapped" in. Are you saying it's cowardly to stay "trapped" in a marriage when you feel it's the right thing to do even when you'd rather be gone? Is it always, without exception, a "crock of shit" to feel "trapped" in a relationship that you want to leave but feel you just can't? Wow, I totally disagree. Maybe in an ideal, perfect world. Not in reality. I was just pointing out what always happens. Any married person who seeks anything outside their marriage without full disclosure to their spouse beforehand is seen as a piece of garbage. To me, life isn't just black and white. I don't think in total absolutes such as that. Just trying to let the guy know what's coming. Judgment and condemnation galore, whether it's justified or not......................luci

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To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to IrishMist)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 8:57:39 AM

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Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

Are you saying it's cowardly to stay "trapped" in a marriage when you feel it's the right thing to do even when you'd rather be gone?

No, I am saying that it's cowardly to be trapped in a marriage that you don't want and to sit there and say that 'I am paying for it now". He's placing the blame on his wife when it should be placed on both of them.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

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RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 8:59:28 AM

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Joined: 9/27/2007
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Have all the fun and all the subs You want. Just make sure that You pick the right one. For if You unknowingly hook up with someone who is not stable. Your life is over.
This happened to a friend of mine. Married he met a woman over the internet who seemed wonderful They only hooked up one time. That was five years ago. She even lived in another state.

Turned his life upside down. Stalked him, told his wife and his teenage son (who( idolize him) that she was pregnant. It just went on and on. And guess what? The night that they spent together wasn't even that good.

(in reply to toservez)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 9:01:32 AM

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Joined: 2/6/2006
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i recently had a "Master/slave" relationship with a married man who had others on the side besides me...i knew that he lied to his wife & thought that he would probably lie to me also, but as time went on & he didn't seem to lie to me, i relaxed...then one evening, i broke my foot & called one of his others to take me to the hospital & sent him an offline telling him what had happened...his response was that he was glad i had found a ride because he wouldn't be able to take me & if she hadn't been able to, i would have needed to get an ambulance...this was the beginning of the bad things that began to happen...how can one have a Master who isn't available to take one to the hospital when needed?

not long after that, the lies & deceit began...the evasions, the half-truths, the omissions...i would talk to him about these things & i would be told that i was imagining things...or he would tell me another story to cover the original one...finally, it all came to a rather angry exchange one night & he angrily released me...i wasn't surprised, really...i had thought that the release would have happened sooner...this was over 3 months ago...during this time, i agonized over my part in that exchange & thought that i had been a bad slave by reacting in that way...the other night, i finally asked him about what happened & he told me that all the things that i had known were going on had actually been going on, that i wasn't crazy, nor was i a bad slave, but that he had been a bad master...things had changed for him & he wanted something different than what we had...

the point is this: because he had established a pattern of lying & cheating with his wife, when things got tough in our relationship, he resorted to the same behavior with me...for these reasons, i would never want to be in another relationship with someone who is cheating...i don't cheat or lie & can't be with someone who does.......

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it's no fun unless you're scared

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(in reply to toservez)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 9:02:46 AM

Posts: 5159
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

breastbonder,

I was also married to someone who had no interest in BDSM. I also felt trapped. I had to make a decision, either get a divorce or accept my life the way it was and make it work the best way i could. I chose to stay. Yes, it was painful at times to realize i would never have the kind of relationship i so desired, but it was my choice.

Fast forward to the present time. Husband passed away 4 years ago. As he became more and more ill, taking care of him satisfied my need to serve. I spent the year after he passed away getting used to being by myself. Then i sought out the real life community i knew existed but had never been able to look for before. It took time but i finally found a couple people in my state. They introduced me to others. At an event i met a wonderful man and have now been collared to him for almost 16 months. We live 24/7 in our motorhome and are snowbirds. We go to munches. We go to events.

All of this really didn't answer your question so let me try to do that now. I see a married man who is seeking a sub as someone who can't make up his own mind. He can't and won't make a decision about how he should live his life which isn't a very dominant quality. He isn't the kind of man who can stand by his choices and make his life work within those choices. If he's truly a Dominant Man he'll discover outlets for his dominance within his marriage and family without having to do the big CHEAT.

(in reply to breastbonder)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 9:08:18 AM

Posts: 367
Joined: 11/14/2007
Status: offline

How do you know your wife is Vanilla? Have you actually tried to do anything kinky with her? Have you tried going reeeally slow with introducing her to what you like? I am trying to put myself in her shoes for a moment. If my husband just pulled out some ropes and said, "I want to bind your breasts," I'd freak out. I would imagine it would be very scary to her, and if I were her, my gut reaction would be to think my husband is some sort of disgusting deviant freak.

Have you tried just making love and gently grasping her wrists and holding them over her head? If she complies to that, well, try something a little different the next time. Take baby steps. It might seem like an eternity to get her to the same level you're on, but if you love everything else about her, wouldn't it be worth it? How lovely it would be to know you have a lifetime to work up to your wildest fantasies- to me that is heaven- to know you'll always have something new and exciting to look forward to.

You may have already tried this route- I don't know, because you didn't really elaborate, but if you haven't give it a shot. Have you tried a sex therapist? In your profile you mentioned you just recently discovered bdsm. Give your wife a fighting chance to give you what you want and need before you look for it elsewhere.

Have you asked HER what her wildest fantasies are? If you work hard to fulfill hers, even if they are "vanilla" she might want to try to make yours come true.

That's my two cents coming from a married woman, who luckily knew what she wanted before she got married and found somebody who wanted the same.

(in reply to toservez)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 9:12:12 AM

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: breastbonder

I'm married to a vanilla and feel trapped in the relationship. Basically made a wrong choice then and now am paying for it.

My question is, how do subs feel when they're approached by a married man? If I'm open and honest about it I'd have thought it would not be a problem but it's not turning out that way. In many cases there seems to be instant hatred eminating from them without knowing who I am or how or why I got into the situation I find myself in.

Are married men seeking d/s relationships with others, possibly also married, that universally reviled, or have I just been extremely :) unlucky so far?

It really doesn't matter why you are married. You are married, not divorced.

When I can meet your wife and have a friendly chat over tea about BDSM and how we would play together, I would consider scening with you. Because you are married, you would never be more than a play partner to me.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 11/19/2007 9:16:13 AM >

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It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to breastbonder)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 9:32:48 AM

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

Are you saying it's cowardly to stay "trapped" in a marriage when you feel it's the right thing to do even when you'd rather be gone?

No, I am saying that it's cowardly to be trapped in a marriage that you don't want and to sit there and say that 'I am paying for it now". He's placing the blame on his wife when it should be placed on both of them.

I'll grant you that, in most if not all relationships, there's enough blame to go around. No one is perfect and no one is entirely blameless in nearly any situation one can think of. I guess I'm thinking of marriages where perhaps one partner is staying for the good of the other even though they have no desire to for their own sake. In a scenario, say, where one partner becomes physically paralyzed and sexual contact is no longer possible. After years, I'm sure that could wear their partner down. Yet, they do not wish to abandon said partner but they do need some physical/sexual contact that he/she is either unwilling or unable to provide. I don't think it makes a man cowardly to stay in a marriage like that and I don't think it makes him a sleazebag to seek some on the side. I'm sorry, but I just don't. And I don't think it would be right to announce to his wife the TRUTH: " Gee honey, I'm sticking with you and all but I gotta have me some so I'm going to come to you truthfully and tell you that I'm going out to fuck someone else." To me that's an instance of using the "truth" as a weapon. It may ease his conscience to tell her this great, freeing "truth," but it would probably crush her. In an instance like that, I think he's noble for staying with her, justified in seeking physical comfort somewhere else as long as the other person knows his marital situation, and a better man for not clubbing his dear wife over the head with his "truth." There are instances in which deception is kinder than the blunt truth..............luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to IrishMist)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 9:59:06 AM

Posts: 28
Joined: 9/7/2007
Status: offline

Yeah I didn't mean for that to come off sleazy. In fact I think she is pretty much blameless, which makes it harder. I knew I was opening myself up to some bashing here but wanted to seek out some opinions anyway. The wierd thing is I can't say I disagree with alot of what has been said here.

(in reply to rubberpet)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 10:01:19 AM

Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: breastbonder

I'm married to a vanilla and feel trapped in the relationship. Basically made a wrong choice then and now am paying for it.

My question is, how do subs feel when they're approached by a married man? If I'm open and honest about it I'd have thought it would not be a problem but it's not turning out that way. In many cases there seems to be instant hatred eminating from them without knowing who I am or how or why I got into the situation I find myself in.

Are married men seeking d/s relationships with others, possibly also married, that universally reviled, or have I just been extremely :) unlucky so far?

Married men seeking D/s should find it no more or less easy to find a partner than marriend men seeking a vanilla thing on the side. When it comes down to it we kinky folk are just like normal folk. Most of us want to be able to trust and love our partner. Some will not be looking be long term commitment and will be willing to be "someone on the side." Assuming you will have more luck finding someone wanting to play with a married man here than on match.com will set you up for dissapointment. The kinky community values honesty and integrity as much as the next person. Of course everyone has their own definitions of this and if you are being honest then there will be those who do not mind the situation.

One thing i do not understand is why people stay married when they say they now need BDSM to be happy. This is not said with judgement and i understand some of the reasons that slaveluci has given but it seems to me that bdsm should not be treated any differently than any interests and aspects of a person. What i mean is that if you and your wife love eachother deeply then you should be able to communicate together and find a way to make this work, whether it's her giving it a chance or if she's ok with you exploring it outside of the marraige. I've seen a few instances on the boards and a couple in real life where people married to a vanilla partner are able to pursue their kink. But in every case the vanilla partner is a part of the sitation if in no other way than at least being aware of what is going on.

charlotte

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(in reply to breastbonder)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 10:01:20 AM

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Joined: 9/7/2007
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Thanks.

(in reply to Donnalee)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 10:03:24 AM

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Joined: 9/7/2007
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Ok, I think that must have been a poor choice of words on my part. I really didn't want to go into details here, but would be happy to with anyone who actually had an interest.

(in reply to IrishMist)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 10:04:31 AM

Posts: 28
Joined: 9/7/2007
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Right. I would have to agree it is a sleazy thing to do.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 10:05:00 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Have you given her the chance to deal with your desires. If she can't deal, then eventually you will have to.
If it's all secret to her, then your not giving her the choice to make the deal and you need to for both your sakes.

Not judging you coz shit happens - just offering advice. Else your going to end up hurting both of you worse in the long run. Can you tell her? Do you want to share this with her?

the.dark.

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RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to breastbonder)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 10:05:54 AM

Posts: 28
Joined: 9/7/2007
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No, not surprised... really just looking for opinions/information.

(in reply to toservez)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 10:07:33 AM

Posts: 28
Joined: 9/7/2007
Status: offline

Right, agreed. Even if there is a potential spark the potential issues are daunting.

(in reply to toservez)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 10:08:36 AM

Posts: 28
Joined: 9/7/2007
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I appreciate it.

(in reply to slaveluci)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 10:09:56 AM

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Joined: 9/7/2007
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I didn't really mean to place the blame on her at all. The statement was meant to say that I am paying for my own mistakes. She's got her issues but I went into it knowing fully about them.

(in reply to IrishMist)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 10:12:54 AM

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Joined: 9/7/2007
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Thanks I am extremely worried about that.

(in reply to southernhart)

RE: Married Conundrum - 11/19/2007 10:13:58 AM

Posts: 326
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: breastbonder

I'm married to a vanilla and feel trapped in the relationship. Basically made a wrong choice then and now am paying for it.

My question is, how do subs feel when they're approached by a married man? If I'm open and honest about it I'd have thought it would not be a problem but it's not turning out that way. In many cases there seems to be instant hatred eminating from them without knowing who I am or how or why I got into the situation I find myself in.

Are married men seeking d/s relationships with others, possibly also married, that universally reviled, or have I just been extremely :) unlucky so far?

ummm been there, done that. I can totally relate. So the best advice I could say is do you want to still be with your spouse? have you discussed your intrests with her?

See, my thoughts on this are if you are being dishonest or not completely honest with the woman you swore to spend the rest of your life with (regardless of the reasons, you gave your oath) then what is to prevent you from being forsworn to the person you are approching to play with?

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*Myth says that only the woman who has been an utter slave can be truly free------this is no myth*

(in reply to breastbonder)

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