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should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 6:02:10 AM

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i have been seeing a Guy/dom as a boyfriend for a couple of months. he has always said he doesnt attach quickly but I still believed he had feelings for me or i wouldnt be seeing him so much. I just found out due to his actions that he was telling the truth about his lack of speedy attachment. heres the thing. I know he ordered me a collar as a Christmas gift. It was on back order. I had told him in the past that I didnt want a leather collar, i wanted some cute, crystal studded poodle collar. He had asked me my neck size. It was in fun, not meant to be take serously. However, in light of my realization of the true depth or lack thereof of his feelings, should I be giving this gift back when he gives it to me? I didnt realize until now. How important the collar was as a symbol. I knew it didnt mean I was officially collared but I thought we were on the road to something more. Now I am not so sure?

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 12/31/2007 6:03:04 AM >

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 6:11:31 AM

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Maybe you could talk to him about it and see what it means to him when he gives it to you. If his gift is meant in terms of friendship and you are both okay with that, i see nothing wrong with keeping it. If the collar means more to one of you than it does the other, then it might present a problem. The only thing i can suggest is lots of communication and understanding where the two of you are each coming from in terms of your relationship so far. Just my opinion.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 6:16:38 AM

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When the gift collar is presented, have a discussion of what it means to each of you. If he sees it as a casual collar and you think it more, it needs to be discussed. If this is the way you both see it, perhaps explain to him that, for you, to have/wear a collar is a very serious thing and you would never feel comfortable wearing one that is less than serious for both parties. Thank him for the gesture and gift, but you can't accept such a gift that means a different thing to him than it does to you.

I hope I interpreted what you said correctly. Good luck.

_____________________________

Old Bastard

"You cannot make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" -- Bob Moawad

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 6:16:46 AM

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But I am not. I was joking around about it before and said "does this mean I am under consideration". He said i wouldnt take it too seroiusly". I am really upset with him right now. Although he has never been anything but honest with me. Its more the lack of action or knowing something is important to me but not him and him not doing it due to my feelings. This in and of itself is not wrong. it just symbolizes his lack of seeing me as important or my feelings being important.

(in reply to christine1)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 6:20:13 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OldBastardly1

When the gift collar is presented, have a discussion of what it means to each of you. If he sees it as a casual collar and you think it more, it needs to be discussed. If this is the way you both see it, perhaps explain to him that, for you, to have/wear a collar is a very serious thing and you would never feel comfortable wearing one that is less than serious for both parties. Thank him for the gesture and gift, but you can't accept such a gift that means a different thing to him than it does to you.

I hope I interpreted what you said correctly. Good luck.

I was also thinking about accepting the gift as to not insult him but tell him I was going to put it away and not wear it until he actually requested it of me in a real way? Does this sound reasonable to you as a Dom and a Man? Would you be insulted if the christmas gift I asked for was given back to you?

(in reply to OldBastardly1)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 6:35:57 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

quote:

ORIGINAL: OldBastardly1

When the gift collar is presented, have a discussion of what it means to each of you. If he sees it as a casual collar and you think it more, it needs to be discussed. If this is the way you both see it, perhaps explain to him that, for you, to have/wear a collar is a very serious thing and you would never feel comfortable wearing one that is less than serious for both parties. Thank him for the gesture and gift, but you can't accept such a gift that means a different thing to him than it does to you.

I hope I interpreted what you said correctly. Good luck.

I was also thinking about accepting the gift as to not insult him but tell him I was going to put it away and not wear it until he actually requested it of me in a real way? Does this sound reasonable to you as a Dom and a Man? Would you be insulted if the christmas gift I asked for was given back to you?

That, surprisingly, is a tough question to answer without actually being involved, but I will try to wrap my head around it. I don't think I would be insulted if clear communication was exchanged.

I am assuming that you would like to step up the relationship with him. If he is dead-set against that happening, this will give you the "out" to look elsewhere and to not waste anymore time hoping he will get on board. This might also "make" him admit, to himself as well, that he would like to advance the relationship to another level. At least, he will be completely clear where you stand.

Worst case scenario, you both decide that your relationship goals are completely different and you don't see each other anymore. But you part full of truth and understanding, and might possibly become great friends.

As is said so many times, I think that communication is essential here.

_____________________________

Old Bastard

"You cannot make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" -- Bob Moawad

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 9:42:36 AM

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I will not allow a collar on my neck until I am "collared". Now this is a major turn on for me, and I have thought about "what if" we did a "play collar", but I do not want anything around my neck. I see it as a commitment.

That being said, there are levels of commitment, and I am in a relationship I am committed to, but he has mentioned that he would want me to wear a collar in public for public play, I have not told him that I won't wear one unless I am collared, because we haven't played publically yet. I didn't see a reason to say that unless it was necessary because then it sounds like I am pushing for that symbol... and I am not pushing for that.

I do want to be married more than I want a collar. And I talk about that with him far more than the collar... but that is just me.

_____________________________

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(in reply to lusciouslips19)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 9:46:59 AM

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Collars mean different things to different people. I was collared and we had what I can only call a not-so-traditional relationship. It worked for us, we both understand the parameters. As long as you are on the same page about what the collar means you can accept it and enjoy it.

_____________________________

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(in reply to lusciouslips19)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 9:56:11 AM

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Master bought me a 'play collar' that we used as we were getting to know each other. There was no deep meaning attached to it, but, it helped me be in the right headspace for play. When we offically became D/s then He ordered me a lovely collar for every day wear. It's like a ring. It only has the meaning you (both) attach to it.

Good luck!

~Christina

(in reply to KatyLied)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 10:33:18 AM

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quote:

i have been seeing a Guy/dom as a boyfriend for a couple of months. he has always said he doesnt attach quickly but I still believed he had feelings for me or i wouldnt be seeing him so much. I just found out due to his actions that he was telling the truth about his lack of speedy attachment.

lusciouslips19,

I found myself more drawn to the above quote than anything else in your post.

He said he does not attach quickly, he didn't say he didn't attach. He is obviously at least a little attached if he is ordering/buying the collar.

Not everyone becomes attached in the same time frame, but he is obviously willing to move toward it...IMO, although talking to him and finding out how he really feels might help you decide what to do.

Saya

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 11:40:11 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

i have been seeing a Guy/dom as a boyfriend for a couple of months. he has always said he doesnt attach quickly but I still believed he had feelings for me or i wouldnt be seeing him so much. I just found out due to his actions that he was telling the truth about his lack of speedy attachment. heres the thing. I know he ordered me a collar as a Christmas gift. It was on back order. I had told him in the past that I didnt want a leather collar, i wanted some cute, crystal studded poodle collar. He had asked me my neck size. It was in fun, not meant to be take serously. However, in light of my realization of the true depth or lack thereof of his feelings, should I be giving this gift back when he gives it to me? I didnt realize until now. How important the collar was as a symbol. I knew it didnt mean I was officially collared but I thought we were on the road to something more. Now I am not so sure?

He's giving the gift in a non-committed and fun way. Can you accept it for what it is? If not, politely and without drama decline the gift and explain what kind of intentions need to be behind a collar before you can accept it.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 11:42:12 AM

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Sounds like your looking for commitment and this dude isn't serious about giving it to you. I'd probly just go look for another dude. /shrug.

Scyn

_____________________________

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind always be at your back
May the sun always shine against your face
May the rain fall softly upon your fields
Until we meet again
May the spirits hold you in the palm of their hands

(in reply to SayaNereida)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 12:01:35 PM

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FR

Forgive me if I am remembering incorrectly, but isn't this guy someone who is brand new to the lifestyle? I seem to remember you needing to tell him to ramp up the kinky a bit out of vanilla. If so, then he may see it as merely a playtoy, and not attach the meaning to it that you are.

If I were in your shoes, if he gave it to me as a playtoy, and didn't make some grand speech about how much I meant to him, then I would tell him that I was in the wrong to ASK for it without being clear exactly what I was asking for, and that was my mistake. Then I would give it back.

If you can find a way to take the blame yourself, as I did in the sentence above, then it usually takes a good bit of sting out of it.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to MasterofScyn)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 12:55:10 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SayaNereida

quote:

i have been seeing a Guy/dom as a boyfriend for a couple of months. he has always said he doesnt attach quickly but I still believed he had feelings for me or i wouldnt be seeing him so much. I just found out due to his actions that he was telling the truth about his lack of speedy attachment.

lusciouslips19,

I found myself more drawn to the above quote than anything else in your post.

He said he does not attach quickly, he didn't say he didn't attach. He is obviously at least a little attached if he is ordering/buying the collar.

Not everyone becomes attached in the same time frame, but he is obviously willing to move toward it...IMO, although talking to him and finding out how he really feels might help you decide what to do.

Saya

It is against TOS to copy e-mails. I will pull out important lines. You can tell me what you think.

"You need to know that I do like you. I'm growing to like you more as we
see each other, and that's likely to continue."

and

"Still...please understand that I am making a genuine effort to never,
ever mislead or lie. Its tough because woman are so used to it that they
assume words from men have no meaning. Truth or lie.
Anyway, I hope you're feeling better, and I do feel lucky to know you,
and I do enjoy your company. I'm slow to change and incorporating
someone into your life is change. It takes time to adjust."

I think I need to figure out if I want a fun collaror if I need to wait til it actually has real meaning?

(in reply to SayaNereida)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 12:59:50 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterofScyn

Sounds like your looking for commitment and this dude isn't serious about giving it to you. I'd probly just go look for another dude. /shrug.

Scyn

yes, because everyone should be ready for a commitment lickety split and most men are so ready to commit FAST.

(in reply to MasterofScyn)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 1:06:42 PM

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Man!! The man is giving you a collar. Do you want him, respect him, whatever him enough so that you want the collar? Or do you want the pretty words along with the collar?

Yes, by all means, have a discussion as to what the collar means to each of you, but just remember, just because you may want all the hearts and flowers, doesn't mean he wants to give them or that he's even comfortable with that approach.

I can tell that by what's been said here, if I'd followed the crowd, I'd not be in the best relationship of my life. My Master doesn't like fusses. He doesn't want or need or appreciate that whole process, In fact, he gave me my collar in a nice little box that he handed to me at the end of an evening. Where we were going was in the middle between both our homes, so we drove separately and met there. He handed me the box, kissed me and put me in the car with the instructions "Don't open this until you get home."

That darn box practically called my name all the way home. I swear it was whispering "open me open me" as I drove down the road. When I did get home and opened the box to discover what was inside, I was stunned. I had no inkling that he was going to do this. I called him immediately and asked "exactly what does this mean? What does it stand for? What am I to you? When should I be wearing it? Do you want to be the one to put it on or should I? What exactly does this MEAN? And should I... and the questions just kept coming. He just laughed until I was ready to stop and listen. That's when he said it meant everything, that it wasn't just something to play in, and we went on to talk until sunrise about how we felt. He's simply not the type to do that comfortably face to face and the fact that he even wanted to give me a collar meant more to me than all the pretty words and ceremonies that could have accompanied it. Yes, to some people, it probably appears he's taking an easy way out, but to me, it's completely in keeping to how we operate and all that.

In the end, the collar is this piece of leather or metal that has the significance we give it. It's an outward sign of an inward feeling and I don't need pretty words, or even the outward sign to know how he feels about me. He shows it every single day, every single moment we're together. I don't to say "lookie lookie at me... I'm collared" in order to know that I am...

So, what I'm wondering is what's more important? the collar? or the pretty words, etc that may or may not come along with it? And I'm also wondering if wanting all the nicey things is actually in keeping with his personality or not.

juliet

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 1:11:18 PM

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If I told people how I received the only collar I've ever had they would be shocked at the lack of protocol involved. It was a surprise, it hadn't been discussed. It was pretty much slapped around my neck while I was bound. And for us the way we were, it was a great moment, it fit. Sometimes things do. There weren't unicorns or flowers or ceremony or (heaven forbid) undying love proclaimed. But it remains a moment I remember fondly.

_____________________________

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(in reply to julietsierra)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 1:12:32 PM

MzMia

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Hi lusicouslips!
Collars mean different things to different people.

Collars and being collared to ME, indicates a close, committed and very serious relationship.

Collaring is not something I take lightly, and if you are not sure of your feelings towards this person, you probably should not accept it.

It sounds like you are a person, that considers a collar a sign of a serious and committed relationship.

Happy New Year!

< Message edited by MzMia -- 12/31/2007 1:14:00 PM >

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Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
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"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 1:18:41 PM

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Men are so quick to comitt? I've been around the block more than afew times, I was with a dude for 8 years.. 8 years of my life and he shown no sign of wanting to get married or anything. All I ever wanted was ring from him, some kind of symbol type thing of what we had together and I couldn't even get that. I could careless about actuall marriage, he couldn't even show how he truly felt about me.. After 8 yrs of trying to keep a relationship with him, I finally gave up and found someone .. my Master.. Anymore I actually feel like I wasted those 8 yrs..

Men don't like comitment as easily as most people would like. I'm not saying ALL men, but in my personal experience, they don't comitt very easily at all. It is a far cry from a lickity split like what your seeking.

I wish you lotta luck if that's how you feel..

Scyn ~

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterofScyn

Sounds like your looking for commitment and this dude isn't serious about giving it to you. I'd probly just go look for another dude. /shrug.

Scyn

yes, because everyone should be ready for a commitment lickety split and most men are so ready to commit FAST.

_____________________________

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind always be at your back
May the sun always shine against your face
May the rain fall softly upon your fields
Until we meet again
May the spirits hold you in the palm of their hands

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

RE: should I accept it? - 12/31/2007 1:22:09 PM

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From: Pennsylvania
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I think the sarcasm sign was missing from her post....

_____________________________

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- Albert Einstein

(in reply to MasterofScyn)

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