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RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 4/9/2008 11:26:58 PM

Posts: 82
Joined: 3/18/2008
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Good advice (and most of it applies to everyone, not just men seeking women)
I especially like the...
You can't 'assert' your dominance (or offer up your submission.) The kind of women that will likely be interested in you long term don't want to either submit or dominate you off the bat if they know nothing of you.
For me at least, I find this (the "kneel 4 me b!tch" sort of letter) to be the world's biggest turn off. While someone might like being called a bitch, and ordered around, they generally like to get to know and trust the person as an equal before taking on D/s roles (even online D/s roles).

The only thing I'd add to your advice is that "no thank you" means "no thank you" not "try a little harder to convince me that I should be your sub (or dom)"

(in reply to Stephann)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 4/10/2008 1:03:45 AM

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Palm Harbor, FL
Status: offline

Nice post. I personally get a lot of mail. If guys send a generic email that's obviously a cut & paste version of what they consider to be an engaging and thought provoking introduction(which most of the time, it isn't), I'm going to delete automatically. If you don't have the time to at least write a personal message, then I'm not going to waste my time. If you start off calling me anything but my name(this includes slut, pig, sub, sub girl, slave, etc. etc.), you're either not going to receive a reply, or a very nasty one. I don't put up with disrespect. If you go on and on about how great you are, how many toys you own and how well you use them, I'll roll my eyes and delete the message. Same goes with guys who gives themselves titles that they probably don't deserve.

Bitter much? I've received and read probably thousands of emails from men in my years in the scene. I'm tired of the disrespect I've been shown just because they think of themselves as 'Doms' or 'Masters' and that I'm below them. Yes, I'm picky about who I reply to. Not because I'm egotistical or think I'm above anyone, but because every person has the right to be discerning and 'picky' when it comes to their significant other.

What do I respond to? Personally, someone who shows intelligence but not arrogance. Someone who shows that they actually read my profile, and actually understood it. Men around my age(as in if you're 50 and think that you're the exception to my age rule, you probably aren't). Men who I can actually hold a conversation with that doesn't center around 'the lifestyle'. Believe it or not, it's refreshing to discuss things other than BDSM. I enjoy men who are multi-faceted, who enjoy an array of things outside of this lifestyle. And yes, honesty. Not to say that men lie(though that's true as well), but I appreciate candid communication. Raw, unscripted, sincere and genuine. I don't feel there's enough of that within the lifestyle.

*yawn* I'm going to bed methinks.

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 4/16/2008 2:58:31 AM

Posts: 116
Joined: 11/21/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

First, a little homework is required. Look in the mirror, and ask yourself "what is it I really want?" Posting a profile saying "I'm new here, have no clue what I want either in a relationship, or in life" is probably even worse than not having a profile.

Which is exactly what I felt like doing at first. (I have now just updated my profile.

)

My problem was and still is, the limiting "orientation" titles. I am not a "Dominant" nor am I a, "Submissive".

I can't "Switch" and I don't know the difference from "Topping From the Bottom" and "Submissive Dommes".

I had to find out the hard way that all Sadist aren't nessecarily Dommes and that all Dommes aren't Sadists.

I'm a masochist. Plain and simple.

< Message edited by UBERMUNSCHIST -- 4/16/2008 3:01:05 AM >

(in reply to Stephann)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 4/16/2008 10:16:39 AM

Posts: 321
Joined: 4/3/2008
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Thanks Stephann. Great thread. Will be perusing my profile again.

Dragon

_____________________________

Meddle Not in the Affairs of Dragons
For you are Crunchy, and taste good Flame Broiled

(in reply to Stephann)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 4/18/2008 3:22:11 AM

whoislikeMichael

Posts: 18
Joined: 4/16/2008
Status: offline

Very insightful and thought provoking, Stephann. I will be modifying My profile and searches as a result of your post. Thanks. -Michael

(in reply to Stephann)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 4/22/2008 11:36:23 PM

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Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

I wish it were as simple as that. The post looks good in text, yet most guys who have problems, are already doing what you say to do

(in reply to Hippiekinkster)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 4/23/2008 4:52:38 PM

Posts: 497
Joined: 2/14/2006
Status: offline

Great post. Lots of great advice. Unfortunately, it is a numbers game, and I am outnumbered, add on the fact that not many people where I live are on CM. I'm currently more focused on finding someone in real life.

But it used to be that I'd message girls quite often and be one of those guys that would post a topic complaining about lack of replies and so on.

I actually created a fake profile, to see what it would be like for a girl on here. So many guys out there lacking common sense. You write on your profile "no guys over 30", and what do you get? Dozens of messages saying "I know you said no guys over 30... BUT...", you'd have guys that would send a rant if you don't reply within five minutes of their message, and you have all the usual crap everyone here knows about.

If it weren't for these morons, I think a lot more of the people with common sense would have more success.

I'd also like to add that, while Stephen makes a good point about making sure your profile is good, searching around girls profiles my age range and in the UK, there aren't exactly a great amount of good female profiles.

< Message edited by KaineD -- 4/23/2008 4:59:21 PM >

(in reply to Hippiekinkster)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 4/23/2008 5:14:54 PM

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Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline

A friend once told me that no one can be Dom/sub twenty four hours a day. There has to be a point where each person is themself this pretty much mirrors that sentiment and is a good point being Dom/sub is all well and great but we really are still people and respond as such especially it would seem at the start.

(in reply to Hippiekinkster)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 4/24/2008 5:53:59 AM

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Joined: 4/11/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

I'm not particularly concerned by offending the world, I figure I'm just paying it back.

Amen brother but I tend to take the same view a bit differently - I don't often recall the world being particularly concerned about whether on not it was offending me so I'm not particularly concerned about whether or not I offend the world.

(in reply to Stephann)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 4/24/2008 6:16:20 AM

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Joined: 4/11/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix

You know, i've actually seen profiles in which the man does nothing but bitch about how all the women here are fake, bitches or gay..yeah THAT makes me want to read on.

Yeah, I pretty much stop reading profiles / journals around the same point - where the femsub in question starts ranting about the usual hassles (one liners, form letters, OYKB, etc). Yeah, ok I'm hip to the idea that it's no fun being on the recieving end of that sort of spam but where in the 2 paragraph rant about it would I get the idea that my individually created bit of honest and sensative brilliance will be recieved as anything other than the result of reading multiple threads like this one?

My other pet profile peeve - the paragraph or two that says don't bother emailing me if your actually a poser / wannabe / married pretending to be single / wanker / just sending me a pic of your cock. It seems to me that the type of schmuck that writes any of those types of emails isn't going to notice the request or comply with it if they do so what's the point. See also: where would I get the idea that my bit of personally crafted brilliance not get tossed on the pile of posers?

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 4/24/2008 7:11:07 AM

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Joined: 2/14/2006
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Yeah, it's pretty annoying if a profile is a two paragraph rant about people she doesn't like messaging her, followed by a list of "If you are the following, DON'T message me!", it comes across as pretty negative. Just state, in one sentence, "no guys over 30, no one liners". Basically morons are gonna ignore it all and message you anyway, no point in having a very negative preview that's gonna put decent people off.

(in reply to RWG215)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 4/24/2008 8:16:53 AM

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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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I wonder what the M to F ratio is for the forums only?

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to KaineD)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 4/24/2008 4:14:08 PM

Posts: 155
Joined: 12/29/2007
From: Nottingham
Status: offline

I was som impressed when I first read this post, that I re-read it four times! As one who now uses this site to talk to like minded folks there is unfortunately a majority of those I call "cyber warriors". These parasites infect pretty much all of those sort of websites and seem to get their jollys out of excessive "kleenex" usage! Yes, there are a lot of sad old 50 year old males who are here for a cheap thrill, and being a bloke myself, if I end up like that I'm going to join a monastery! I know for a fact that guys do pretend to be ladies in order to get "pictures".
One of my slave friends has had a close encounter with one such miscreant, but unfortunately with the anonimity of the net it's a risk we all take. I suspect the reason why a lot of female subs get "dross" mails which are of no interest is that the senders just see "woman" and don't even bother reading the profile. A Domme I chat to has had a few "kneel bitch" messages of late! Her responses to these delightful requests were a joy to read, especially the guy who claimed a "good cock" would cure her lesbianism. That must be a comfort to her slave who also happens to be her husband! I need say no more on that one.
So, regrettably, we who are genuine must suffer the idiots until such times as they can be sidelined.

_____________________________

Brigand Doom

There is only one, accept no alternatives!

(in reply to Stephann)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 4/24/2008 10:34:54 PM

AtlantisKing111

Posts: 181
Joined: 1/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThinkingKitten

Stephan: What you've written is all plain ol' common sense. Unfortunately, you can't pick up common sense at the grocery store, or order it online..... you're swimming against the tide I fear......

One of my favorite sayings is "Common sense is not so common as you'd think". :)

That said, the advice given is spot on. I'd only add this: go to local bdsm clubs too if you can. They are great places to meet people and really get to know what you like and do not like doing.

(in reply to ThinkingKitten)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 4/30/2008 1:33:48 PM

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Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline

good slave here seeking sweet sexy hot mistress who will take me in her way .. lead me get me so devoted to her in any way she see that will fit her desires & and needs ..

(in reply to Hippiekinkster)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 5/1/2008 8:42:35 AM

KinkySoulSearch

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/8/2007
Status: offline

Stephan, excellent post!!!!

Sadly, those men who are most in need of your advice are least likely to read it (or follow it.) :(

quote:

ORIGINAL: echoharmony

If you don't have the time to at least write a personal message, then I'm not going to waste my time. If you start off calling me anything but my name(this includes slut, pig, sub, sub girl, slave, etc. etc.), you're either not going to receive a reply, or a very nasty one. I don't put up with disrespect. ... Yes, I'm picky about who I reply to. Not because I'm egotistical or think I'm above anyone, but because every person has the right to be discerning and 'picky' when it comes to their significant other.

Bravo, couldn't have said it better myself. :)

I have to say, I've been really, really disappointed with the messages I've received on this site. With a very few exceptions, they're just like this one, which I received about a minute ago and is quoted in its entirety. Read my probably-too-long and very specific profile (which will put you one-up on this loser) and then ask yourself the likelihood that I'll reply to him (her? it?) or even read his profile.

quote:

can i get your opinion on your domme side? how long you think a bar of soap should soak for? and then how long left in the mouth for using the C word? (cunt)

*Sigh*

(in reply to echoharmony)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 5/1/2008 10:14:34 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline

Stephen,

Great post, full of great advice. The part about setting reasonable expectations is very good advice.
Honestly, every dating site in the world should have this as part of thier "How To" information.

A good read.

Oh and Hi everyone. It's been a long while since I've posted anything - and that was under a different name "ShadowHwk".

Peace and Light
Terry

(in reply to Hippiekinkster)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 5/26/2008 3:58:05 PM

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Joined: 9/24/2004
Status: offline

Best advice I have read in years!

(in reply to Stephann)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 5/26/2008 5:32:25 PM

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Joined: 3/11/2008
Status: offline

Common sense isn't common as they say...

The part about not sending messages that say 'I'll kneel for u Mistresss!!!11!!' is spot on. I get those a lot and I always hit the delete button as soon as I can. There's something creepy about someone who is willing to submit to a person they don't even know.

(in reply to Maldraken)

RE: For men: how to find a woman here - 5/26/2008 6:11:37 PM

Posts: 18
Joined: 3/8/2008
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Great original post, have to agree with most of the others who replied.

May I just add, please, that proper use of the English language is a HUGE benefit? Of course, if you're dyslexic or English isn't your first language or whatever, then errors are fine - I am instead referring to the text message shortcut variety. 'Your' = 'Ur'; 'to' = '2' and so on.

'i wud like 2 get 2 no u'... emails like that are like fingernails on a blackboard to me. And honestly, if someone can't even be arsed to type whole words and sentences, could I trust him not to do a sloppy, half-arsed job on my body if I let him? Hell no!

Just my opinion of course, but I'd like to think I'm not alone in this pet peeve.

_____________________________

I have ADOS: Attention Deficit - Ooh Shiny!

My ability to kill threads is matched only by my ability to say the wrong thing.

(in reply to Psychodahlia)

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