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married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/11/2008 10:31:29 PM

Irished

Posts: 19
Joined: 8/4/2008
Status: offline

I need to make my desire to serve a domme real and want to tell my wife.....has anyone done this, what did they say and how did the wife react??
thanks so much

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/11/2008 10:50:56 PM

OneMoreWaste

Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
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While I'm no Mistress, but merely one like you, I highly recommend:
Find a domme real* to serve FIRST. It could be... a while.
Then tell her you're going to the store for something.

*(as in, you've seen her in person, checked for Adam's apple, went home with the same amount of money you left with)

(in reply to Irished)

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/11/2008 10:59:27 PM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OneMoreWaste

While I'm no Mistress, but merely one like you, I highly recommend:
Find a domme real* to serve FIRST. It could be... a while.
Then tell her you're going to the store for something.

*(as in, you've seen her in person, checked for Adam's apple, went home with the same amount of money you left with)

Yea, the betrayal of the marriage is NOT a good way to go...

What are a bunch of yahoos on the internet gonna be able to tell you about this? You already know how she will respond. The important thing is to weigh all the factors of your life and if you decide to talk to her, be open, honest, and look her in the eye. The most important thing in this, is to consider her needs too, not just your own.

Good luck and welcome to the forum! :)

(in reply to OneMoreWaste)

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/11/2008 11:43:37 PM

corysub

Posts: 1492
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Irished

I need to make my desire to serve a domme real and want to tell my wife.....has anyone done this, what did they say and how did the wife react??
thanks so much

Honestly, each situation is different. Only you could think about how she might react based on your living with her...some woman might like the idea and put you on your knees...the other extreme would be to pick up the phone and call her attorney, and than hit you with the phone. Toughy....

(in reply to Irished)

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/12/2008 3:45:28 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
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First sit down with your wife and lay it all out on the table. React from there.

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/12/2008 4:46:48 AM

GreeneGoddess

Posts: 59
Joined: 8/7/2008
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Truly - you know her better than anyone else does.

Do you serve her now? Yes I understand you may not have had the "I'm kinky" talk with her, but if it's a domme to serve that you want - start by really seeing to your wife's needs. Do far more than your share of housework (most men only THINK they are contributing to that), massage her feet, make her feel like a million bucks, see to her needs sexually.

< Message edited by GreeneGoddess -- 9/12/2008 4:50:24 AM >

(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/12/2008 5:01:18 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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There are a few folks around who have done this. I've had "The Talk" with My husband and things turned out pretty well for Me. My situation is probably different than yours (isn't everyone's) and not just because I'm on the other side of the kneel.

This is something that My sub has done as well. It's just a thought, but he might be a resource for you.

The topic does come up every once in a while. You might want to take a look through the search function to see some past threads on it and get a chance to see the names of those who have had to deal with the issue.

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/12/2008 5:07:12 AM

SoulPiercer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim
You already know how she will respond.

Actually, you don't KNOW how she will respond. However, you may THINK you know.

This is what gets a lot of people into trouble. I have met a lot of people who have told me this story:

My wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend became interested in BDSM. Instead of telling me, they started having an affair. Now.. after researching BDSM, I find I quite enjoy it. All they had to do is ask.

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(in reply to OttersSwim)

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/12/2008 6:35:10 AM

BlueHnS

Posts: 166
Joined: 9/5/2005
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Ask the wife if she has any needs / desires that you can serve ... keep it lighthearted and see how she responds ...

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(in reply to SoulPiercer)

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/12/2008 7:00:17 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OneMoreWaste

While I'm no Mistress, but merely one like you, I highly recommend:
Find a domme real* to serve FIRST. It could be... a while.
Then tell her you're going to the store for something.

*(as in, you've seen her in person, checked for Adam's apple, went home with the same amount of money you left with)

right and be like the guy in one episode of Cheaters who was caught in a middle of session with his Mistress, chained and in a hooded mask, during the confrontation part.

i would advise, OP, that you discuss this with your wife ...explain and tell her about your feelings/desires and then go from there.

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(in reply to OneMoreWaste)

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/12/2008 8:37:58 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SoulPiercer

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim
You already know how she will respond.

Actually, you don't KNOW how she will respond. However, you may THINK you know.

This is what gets a lot of people into trouble. I have met a lot of people who have told me this story:

My wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend became interested in BDSM. Instead of telling me, they started having an affair. Now.. after researching BDSM, I find I quite enjoy it. All they had to do is ask.

This is a very good response and mirrors many of the stories I've been told.

Ideally you'd have told your girlfriend about your submissive leanings before the marriage.

As it lays now, you have to be honest with your wife. I can recommend a video to watch (even with her) that might help: "Whipsmart" from Good Vibrations.

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(in reply to SoulPiercer)

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/12/2008 10:31:52 AM

SomethingCatchy

Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
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Honesty. I agree with everyone here that is telling you to take that route.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/12/2008 11:02:02 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I don't see how betraying your marriage can ever be a good thing. But what do I know, I've never been married.

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/12/2008 11:06:24 AM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
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If that was your needs wants and desires the time for those communications should have been done prior to the wedding .Since step one has been skipped TELL HER , sit down and have a conversation , then work from there .the whole sneak around , keep it hush hush deception does not work .Who knows perhaps She is willing to be the one you serve ?

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/12/2008 11:07:24 AM

zakkan

Posts: 606
Joined: 4/15/2008
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Maybe this will help. I never tried it though, so don't blame me if it doesn't. http://elisesutton.homestead.com/introwife.html

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/12/2008 1:40:05 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

SoulPiercer,

quote:

Actually, you don't KNOW how she will respond. However, you may THINK you know.

This is what gets a lot of people into trouble. I have met a lot of people who have told me this story:

My wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend became interested in BDSM. Instead of telling me, they started having an affair. Now... after researching BDSM, I find I quite enjoy it. All they had to do is ask.

This is excellent advice. From my own experience in introducing vanilla people to BDSM, I can say this works very well. Some vanilla people will never become interested, but others... once you're opened Pandora's box... take to it like candy. Honesty, trust, and openness are wonderful aphrodisiacs. Often a person's interest in and attraction to something are all a matter of the approach in which they are introduced.

Elan.

(in reply to SoulPiercer)

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/13/2008 8:44:34 AM

slavekal

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
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I do not recommend going to a pro on the sied or laying all your cards on the table all at once. Ease into it. Run her a bath tonight. Serve her breakfast in bed tomorrow. Keep doing things for her. When she asks you why you're doing it, tell her you enjoy serving her. This strategy will take patience, but it can work.

(in reply to Irished)

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/13/2008 8:48:34 AM

scifi1133

Posts: 8529
Joined: 3/27/2007
From: virginia
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Talk talk talk talk to your wife. Don't cheat it will just end badly for you. You never know if she looks into it it may be something she could get into as well. Do some serving of her and see how she likes it.

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/13/2008 2:35:35 PM

TermsConditions

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Joined: 11/13/2007
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First, congratulations on beginning your journey. Collective wisdom, experience and a willingness to share same make CM the right place to ask your question.

If your current relationship is unhealthy or you are not communicating with your spouse your efforts will be frustrated. Primary objective: Ensure your vanilla house is in order.

I second everyone who said, be honest and forthright, and don’t cheat. For a mind-bogglingly over thought approach to this exact subject, review this thread:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1990013/mpage_1/tm.htm or search for “The Conversation” in this forum.

I’d advise that you have a significant understanding of who you are and what you want. Read everything undergroundsea has written on the topic in this forum. Understand that she may feel threatened, inadequate, and confused.

That’s as far as I’ve gotten as the primary objective has not yet been met in my instance.

Good luck!

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Married, Novice Subbish-Type Person
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(in reply to Irished)

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RE: married sub - how to tell my wife - 9/13/2008 10:46:11 PM

steffie

Posts: 95
Joined: 6/8/2005
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The truth has a way of rising to the surface.

If you do not tell your wife your desires up front, one day she will find out you are seeing someone else, and she will think the worst. How much do you value your marriage? Which is more important? Your marriage or your need to submit?

You've revealled nothing about your wife. What kind of a personality does she have? Is she a born again Christian? Does she have any dominant traits? You know her best of all. Give her the chance to dominate you first. You might want to read Elise Sutton's book, "Female Domination." Or look at her web site. She has some nice advice for married men who want to introduce their wives to the 'dark side.'

You'd be surprised how many vanilla women will take to being pampered and spoiled. When you come down to it, what wife would not enjoy being given complete control of your relationship and sex life?

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