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RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/5/2006 12:46:59 AM

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Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Laura

Hoping for inspiration and ideas. I've been asked to write about Switches finding partners, the difficulties which are particular to us.

My first thought was that it's about the same for everyone. But, then I thought that each time I contact someone (with the idea of getting together) it's really only other Switches that seem to get it. Guys who are sub or Dom seem to expect me to fall into whatever role they choose. As if it's something I plan ahead.

Anyway, I don't want to be one hand clapping. Hope to hear from some of you.

I think it depends on your situation and what you're seeking. I am a slave and a switch. I intentionally made the distinction between the two because I have no desire to switch with my dominant partner. If he bottomed to me that would eliminate my ability to submit to him in the future. I cannot wrap my mind around that aspect. Furthermore, my dominant tendencies are typically geared towards women, though I've developed an increasing flexibility to include men. However, I don't submit to women under any circumstances. See what I mean?

I have found that is it far simpler for me to have a dominant that is open to my desire to top. While some have eagerly latched on to this idea due to my bisexuality, I am not inclined to share my bottom. Enter in problem number two. Nor do I consider myself polyamorous either. The list just keeps on growing. However, I am flexible and willing to make some compromises. I cannot say what will happen in the future, but for now I am solely focused on the submissive dynamic.

I have noticed that it can be quite difficult for me to find a suitable partner due to my naturally dominant personality, divergently different views on submission, and the mere fact that I am not extremely needy nor waiting for someone to rescue me and make my life better. The mere fact that I can grab the reins, lead, and execute efficiently can be a difficult thing to accept if the dominant has insecurities about his competence. In time I've come to discover that the men I feel more attuned with are typically those that share a similar methodology with me in regard to dominance. Ironically enough I have found someone that is willing to work with me and deal with these things without complaint. I am convinced that he loves a challenge.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to Laura)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/5/2006 5:42:53 AM

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Joined: 7/31/2006
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I can't understand why a female sub can't top their Dom.

_____________________________

(in reply to WhipTheHip)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/7/2006 1:11:09 PM

candycoatedtoxin

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/25/2006
From: Mt. Holly, New Jersey
Status: offline

I've been lucky enough to find a switch partner, so both of us enjoy trading off dominance. The only down side I've found to this is that when I've been submissive for a long time (I mean MONTTHS at a time) it's very difficult to get back into my dominant role. I've been trained to restrain myself, especially because her moods vary to the point where I have to be cautious when I touch her at ALL let alone in a power exchange context. So trying to pull myself out of a half-year-long habit is a little trying for the both of us.

(in reply to Laura)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/7/2006 1:55:26 PM

Posts: 240
Joined: 8/2/2005
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Hmm, I am really surprised that nobody else is coming from where I am on switches and partners. The "Mood Switch" was as close as it came.

My perspective is that I can enjoy being a Dominant or submissive equally. I am looking for partners that I enjoy. If they are Dominant and bring out the sub in me, or submissive and make me want to Dom them cool! I do not look for somebody to take both roles for me, as I have never felt both Dominant and submissive to the same woman. Now I have dated some 'nilla women that will occasionaly bring out a little of one or the other, but never dated a woman (in the lifestyle or out) who brings out both.

So I don't look for switches, or expect my Dom or sub partner to take the other role to make me happy. I try to find somebody that makes me happy, and just enjoy the role I find myself in. But it is a little annoying to see "...no switches" on so many otherwise awsome profiles. I understand the worry about not being enough, but I don't feel it applies. And I have to say I was a little disappointed to see so many folks on this thread seemingly support the "switch can't be a real Dom/sub" mentality.

I like who I like, be they vanilla, chcolate, or fudge ripple...

Nuke }:-

(in reply to candycoatedtoxin)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/8/2006 8:44:16 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

I can't understand why a female sub can't top their Dom.

Same reason that the rider doesn't wear the saddle...because the pony would break your back.

Here's a concept you can probably grasp. Imagine walking into your local club and seeing the "big boss" gagged, dressed as a ballerina tutu tights and all, being taken by a Domme with a strap on. Exactly how seriously would you take him after that?

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to WhipTheHip)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/9/2006 4:36:22 AM

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
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quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

I can't understand why a female sub can't top their Dom.

Same reason that the rider doesn't wear the saddle...because the pony would break your back.

Here's a concept you can probably grasp. Imagine walking into your local club and seeing the "big boss" gagged, dressed as a ballerina tutu tights and all, being taken by a Domme with a strap on. Exactly how seriously would you take him after that?

EXACTLY!!!!!!

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to theRose4U)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/9/2006 6:47:10 AM

Posts: 140
Joined: 8/8/2006
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I think you hit the nail on the head!!!

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixieunleashed

I think the most rewarding thing about being a switch is when you have a partner that is not a switch and they decide to switch with you for the first time. I have recently experineced that with a man I very much love. We got together he collared me as his slave, and informed me he was never going to switch EVER. Our relationship grew and changed, the collar came off and we held to each other as equals. Then one wonderful day, we were playing in bed and I slid into topping him and he went with it. Now we have this great relationship where at any given moment either of us can choose to take control or choose to be submissive.

I think if you are with people that care more about you than their "role" everything is possible.

thanks for reading this, have a great day,

pixie

(in reply to pixieunleashed)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/9/2006 10:21:51 AM

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Joined: 3/12/2006
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I have a collared sub, tiggs - he said he never wished to switch and I was happy with that as - although I have subbed to see 'that side of it' for when I'm a Domme - I've had no desire or found anyone to trust enough to 'switch'. We are in love, and with the love and trust we have, we now have three couples in our wonderful relationship: vanilla side; Mistress and tiggs and now Sir and angel. Confused............. you will be - but take it from me - it all works!!!!!

I am very very lucky

(in reply to Laura)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/9/2006 5:06:11 PM

Posts: 20
Joined: 9/8/2006
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First and foremost people tend to think a switch is spoiled / cannot pick one side or another .. Since when shall I be so shallow and just settle for part of what it is I need ? and since when is it somone elses place to tell Me what I am or what I need to be complete ?
Me I have moments I need to be carefree and a little brat and challenging and annoying ..
I also have moments when I need and desire too have all the control in all areas of the relationship .
It took Me a Long amount of time to truely understand what area I belonged in ,, I didn't choose to be a switch it is what I am and what I as a person needs , I do not claim this is a easy road for anyone else , infact sometimes it down right sucks .. Other times it is wonderful and you find that balence that always eluded you ...
Being with another switch seems to be the best blend although not at all times , Relistically As Tops we are stubborn and want whatever it is we want at that moment in time .. Not always as simple as that if your partner is unbalenced in any reguard .. And personally We as a team/partners bounce off of each other and try too adjust as we know the other needs ..its not simple in any reguard .......

*I did it I am not sorry and it will happen again*

(in reply to WhipTheHip)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/9/2006 5:48:53 PM

MistressMelissa

Posts: 226
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

I can't understand why a female sub can't top their Dom.

Perhaps I can answer your question but first I need to define how I use some terms. Your definitions may very but this is my answer you are welcome to submit your own responses. This is an honest and respectful answer to the question. I request you be honest and respectful in your response as well.

Personality traits:
Dominant: One who's nature is to be in control. They have a need to control the world around them and are sometimes said to create their own world to live in. aka control freak.

Sub/slave or as I call "little one": One who has a submissive personality. They have a need to surrender control of portions of their life to another. The have a need to simplify their world. They just want everyone to get along and just wish to be found pleasing.

World of kink or play time: some defined period of time such as a scene.
bottom: one who is flogged. will normally only "submit" for the length of the scene and no longer.
top: the one who flogs. Will only be in "control" for the length of the scene and only controls those areas defined in negotiations of the scene.
switch: One who enjoys either role, top or bottom.

Since a sub/slave enters a relationship based on control and surrender, the little one develops a mindset that their dominant is a figure of power and control. Since you trust this person with issues that effect your everyday life there is a natural human need to see the dominant as someone steadfast in their control. A port in a storm or a foundation to build your house upon. Much like a child sees a parent as being all powerful and knowledgeable. Remember when you realized your parents did not have all the answers? Seeing your dominant bottom or worse yet, to top your dominant, would just upset that power balance.

To many people a switch is an enigma. I personally don't understand switches other than by my definition and will probably catch hell for it. My search for understanding is why I am reading these threads. Since I look for the "flow of power or control" and can't find it. I can't, as you say pigeon hole you. My world is based upon structure and rules. Since a switch appears to ignore the rules, they upset my world based on rules.

The umbrella that we call BDSM encompasses many different groups. Many come to this lifestyle for the kinky sex and thats great. Others seek the power exchange and a relationship based on control. In my life, my interest is Ds (dominance and submission) and the power exchange aspect of my relationship. I am an owner. It is my desire to find those who wish to be owned and own them as completely as I can. While kink is fun and the joy of subspace or that awesome orgasm can't be denied. Kink is but the cherry on a very large and satisfying cake I call Ds. Kink is a tool I use to teach those I own. While I might tease, torment and scare the hell out of them, they can trust me to be in control and keep them safe. Did I mention I'm a sadist? This lesson of trust carries forth into everyday life that they can trust me to be in control their as well. If you can trust me to drag a knife across your throat, you can trust me when I ask you too do so in everyday life.

< Message edited by MistressMelissa -- 9/9/2006 5:57:19 PM >

_____________________________

Melissa
Mistress of Ds Haven
www.dshaven.com

The person who says it can not be done, should not interrupt the person doing it. - Ancient Wisdom

(in reply to WhipTheHip)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/9/2006 5:53:20 PM

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

I can't understand why a female sub can't top their Dom.

Same reason that the rider doesn't wear the saddle...because the pony would break your back.

Here's a concept you can probably grasp. Imagine walking into your local club and seeing the "big boss" gagged, dressed as a ballerina tutu tights and all, being taken by a Domme with a strap on. Exactly how seriously would you take him after that?

This is where I find the great contradiction when the switch themselves will say they could not have a Dom/me that switches! LOL.. This is the same reason that I would not have a submissive that switches.

Imagine a scenario in which The Dom/me tells people what a wonderful submissive they have and how very submissive he is.. and then they are informed.. "Hey.. Dom/me-delux!.. I just saw your boy over dominating a couple subs he says he owns. Guess he got YOU fooled huh?! Who is owning who here?"

Do what you will.. but you had better be up front about it and accept that fact that some of us.. like yourselves, prefer all or nothing.

(in reply to theRose4U)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/9/2006 6:01:11 PM

MistressMelissa

Posts: 226
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong
Imagine a scenario in which The Dom/me tells people what a wonderful submissive they have and how very submissive he is.. and then they are informed.. "Hey.. Dom/me-delux!.. I just saw your boy over dominating a couple subs he says he owns. Guess he got YOU fooled huh?! Who is owning who here?"

But that's the real issue....it's not about ownership...it's only about the kinky sex!

_____________________________

Melissa
Mistress of Ds Haven
www.dshaven.com

The person who says it can not be done, should not interrupt the person doing it. - Ancient Wisdom

(in reply to LotusSong)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/11/2006 2:02:44 PM

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Joined: 8/2/2005
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Hey Melissa,

I can accept your definitions for top, bottom, and switch for SM play. Unfortunately that leaves a big empty whole for the Ds portions of a relationship. Dominant and submisive certainly can be mutually exclusive charateristics or personality types in some people, but in my opinion they do not have to be.

I feel Dominant to some women, and submissive to others. It's amental and emotional reaction to their personality. There are even more women (in and out of the lifestyle) that I am completely neutral to Ds wise. With those I might be able to have relationship that involved switching roles, but I have never tried it. I am more drawn to partners where there is some sort of power exchange. I don't know if this helps you (or anybody) understand where some of us are coming from.

And for those who say you can only be one or the other, I point out 2 examples (one natural and one manufactured). The first is a pack mentality in wolves, dogs, and some big cats. There is a definate hierarchy were members are usually dominant to some and submissive to others. The manufactured environment is the military. While not exacly like Ds, giving and following orders based on location in the chain of command comes quite easily with a little indoctrination.

Switches are hard to understand, possibly because there is more variety than some are comfortable with. I hope I helped somebody understand a little more today.

Nuke

(in reply to MistressMelissa)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/13/2006 8:24:44 PM

MistressMelissa

Posts: 226
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

Hello Nuke,

I understand how a hierarchy works, my house is based on a hierarchy and I also understand the military's chain of command. There is a saying which states "we all submit to someone". With three dominants and 2 little ones in my house there has to be a chain of command. Just because I am the senior dominant does not make the other two switches.

Just because someone yields to my authority in a given area does not mean they have submitted to me. Likewise, if I bottomed to someone to learn what something felt like, that would not make me a submissive or a switch. It simply makes me a dominant that was educating myself. While I have not bottomed in years there is still the possibility that I would to learn something. That does not mean that I would not still be in control of that situation and as long as I maintain control, then I am still being my dominant self. Likewise, when someone who has submitted them self to me and I have them supervise or teach another slave in my house, that does not make them a switch. It simply makes them a slave doing as I have asked. Being Owner or slave does not flip back and forth. Just because you tell someone to do something does not make you a dominant. Just because you do something someone asked of you, does not make you a submissive or a slave.

I hope that helped.

_____________________________

Melissa
Mistress of Ds Haven
www.dshaven.com

The person who says it can not be done, should not interrupt the person doing it. - Ancient Wisdom

(in reply to Nuke718)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/15/2006 3:23:51 AM

Posts: 17
Status: offline

Just wanted to say that I've just found the Goddess of my dreams!

Best part, she kind of found me as she had a post on Craigslist saying that she was looking to meet a guy with a foot fetish.

Well... to say it's been awesome so far wouldn't come close to covering it...

I get to serve at her feet as well as other things... is that what a switch is??? I don't know, I probably don't even belong here?

http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m278/jhluvsfeet3/Jenn/J_J_Couch.jpg

http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m278/jhluvsfeet3/Jenn/Jen_is_busy.jpg

< Message edited by JHLuvsfeet -- 9/15/2006 3:24:22 AM >

(in reply to porcelaine)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/15/2006 6:53:20 AM

Posts: 197
Joined: 10/22/2005
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I switch; mainly as my partner cant (We were both looking for subs when we meet)....we love each other for so many reasons BDSM is just one tiny part of "us" Sure Im more of a SM Domme but I can sub/bottom (but I make a awful sub and a bratty bottom). My partner understands we are lucky one of us can switch and has always been happy for me to play with others who can meet the needs he can not; do I wish he could switch too? :) frankly given the whole of "us" I have wished he could cook more often than I have wished he could switch (no matter how amazing he would look in leather bondage) my beloved is wonderful and I wouldn't change his wiring at all and he would never swap his bossy, stroppy and strident Darlinka Doll for some docile slavegirl.
I think to say switches needs switches is taking the easy way out..and to think "less" of a person because they switch

quote:

Imagine walking into your local club and seeing the "big boss" gagged, dressed as a ballerina tutu tights and all, being taken by a Domme with a strap on. Exactly how seriously would you take him after that?

well I have done public scenes both as a Domme and as Sub I dont think it would have any impact on those who see me as a person ...however I can see it may challenge those who see Dom/mes/Top as just life support for floggers or as one dimesional fantasies figures.

(in reply to JHLuvsfeet)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/15/2006 11:29:37 AM

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dollbecky

however I can see it may challenge those who see Dom/mes/Top as just life support for floggers or as one dimesional fantasies figures.

No problem with Switches.. They are fun. They are ready to party. I just can't take them seriously.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to Dollbecky)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/15/2006 11:41:17 AM

Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Laura

Hoping for inspiration and ideas. I've been asked to write about Switches finding partners, the difficulties which are particular to us.

My first thought was that it's about the same for everyone. But, then I thought that each time I contact someone (with the idea of getting together) it's really only other Switches that seem to get it. Guys who are sub or Dom seem to expect me to fall into whatever role they choose. As if it's something I plan ahead.

Anyway, I don't want to be one hand clapping. Hope to hear from some of you.

Thanks for any help. :)

In my opinion being a switch is not anymore complicated than any other role in my life. I had to find a man, a Dom what understood what a switch was and accepted me as a switch. Then we had to defind our roles within our relationship. Although I am a switch, Phoenix is not. With him I am am NEVER Domme.

He has allowed me to look for a submissive/slave to satisfy that part of my nature. For me that has become the difficult part. Many people are not so much uncomfortable with the fact that I am a switch but that I am a collared switch.

_____________________________

"Life is neither a bed of roses nor a carpet of thorns, it's just what you make of it."

(in reply to Laura)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/15/2006 12:10:36 PM

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

Hi Nika (or any that are in this unique situation),

I Have always wondered something. I know the answer will be different in all cases.. but since you are the first collard switch I've connected with here :).. here goes:

If switch is collared and own a slave/submissive, and both your submissive and Master need you at the same time.. where would your immediate allegiance be? Would Master have to wait for you or your submissive?

This is a sincere question and one that I have wondered about.

Being that I have a husband AND a slave... Slave knows that my husband's requests trumps his :)

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to Phoenixandnika)

RE: Switches Finding Partners - 9/15/2006 12:28:18 PM

Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

Hi Nika (or any that are in this unique situation),

I Have always wondered something. I know the answer will be different in all cases.. but since you are the first collard switch I've connected with here :).. here goes:

If switch is collared and own a slave/submissive, and both your submissive and Master need you at the same time.. where would your immediate allegiance be? Would Master have to wait for you or your submissive?

This is a sincere question and one that I have wondered about.

Being that I have a husband AND a slave... Slave knows that my husband's requests trumps his :)

This is how it works in our household.

Phoenix is my Master. I answer to him in all things even in the actions of my submissive/slave. Though they would answer to me. So I kind of get a double wammy.*laughs*

As his, everything I do or anything connected to me (ie posts,my actions, actions of my submissive/slave,e-mails, ect) reflect upon him.

Regardless of my role at any given moment, weather submissive or Domme his expectations for me are always there(ie tactfulness,alchohol limitations,ect)

Our relationship MUST be respected at all times by my submissive/slave.

As far as your question. That would be taken case by case. That is like asking if both of my children need/want my attention which gets it? (No,I am not calling my Master or submissives/slaves children it is simply a comparision)

An example. If my Master knew I was talking to a friend who was upset and needed me emotionally and perhaps physically for support he would defer his needs and allow me to help my friend. But if I was simply having girl talk with a friend he would expect me to see to him rather than continue yapping.

I hope that answered your question and perhaps helped you understand how we handle our various roles.

Edited to add: In my previous D/s relationship my submissive lived with myself and my Dom. Though we didn't consider ourselves poly, but this was an easily avoided issue. *laughs*

< Message edited by Phoenixandnika -- 9/15/2006 12:33:32 PM >

_____________________________

"Life is neither a bed of roses nor a carpet of thorns, it's just what you make of it."

(in reply to LotusSong)

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