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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 5:01:22 PM   
LadyLupineNYC


Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		I still have two guys calling/emailing me, one after a one night stand 2 years ago and one from meeting him a few times at a bar about a year ago (we would both go after or respective jobs) who seem to be doing the same thing.  The one night stand admitted to his kink after the fact (though, to be honest, I already knew) and basically keeps calling to beg to see me in a kinky way.  I get that some may later have regrets, but the reality is, these two men (and several others who have tried to a varying degree over the years) couldn’t see me mast the idea of leather and floggers and I couldn’t think of anything less dull.  The men who I ‘keep’ are ones who primarily see me as a person.  I realize that this sounds corny (and I don’t deny that there is also a strong attraction for them towards me as well), but there really is a difference and I can smell it out very easily.    

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(in reply to hapistan)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 5:22:17 PM   
hapistan


Posts: 83
Joined: 9/11/2008
Status: offline 		in fairness to me, I'm not as bad as that which you've wrote, this was a one night stand that was repeated a year later and both times whilst entirely willing and encouraging, I was the prey to some extent. (and I later find out that I'm the only single person in this equation...)

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 5:22:26 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		So do you walk him up and down the village observing the stares ?I had A Mistress who thought that was such great fun to just tell me walk 5 paces ahead down Christopher street . I was like why are you walking so far behind me ??

As far as signals and signs  there is posture , to present , there is speak  and your words and interactions wit it can be very telling .I don't know if they have the hankie  codes there in the UK , but many here flag and its not just the gays , Tops or bottoms .more like all roles and pansexual .If that does not work say HI and go from there . 

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLupineNYC

Oh, we live in NYC and he has this 'corn feed country boy thing', he is already gay bait...there are underground sex clubs like that in NYC (shocking, I know) but why make it so easy? 

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 5:29:33 PM   
hapistan


Posts: 83
Joined: 9/11/2008
Status: offline 		the only thing close to hanky codes we have outside the gay community, is wearing burberry*, which generally means "i've nothing interesting to say about anything at all"



*i'm making the assumption that theres not going to be any british burberry wearers reading this site to be offended by that joke.

(in reply to azropedntied)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 5:31:41 PM   
Usako


Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		I think you're main problem is, at least according to your posts, that all you're focusing on is "Is she a domme?!?!?!" Honestly, if a guy walks up to me and talks to me just because he think there might be a chance I'll spank him, I'd be offended. Calling me ma'am would instantly offend me. Saying "I think women are in charge" (or whatever line you said) would instantly turn me off.

I know this sounds like a lot of effort but, if you see a woman you like TALK TO HER and see where it goes. Maybe another date or so. Show her you're actually interested in her as a person. I know, for me at least, if a guy first showed interest in me as a person and as a woman and then, politely asked "Are you into BDSM" at the right time and in the right way, I'd respond. Heck, perhaps it can even be asked in joking to see how she reacts. But trying to hunt down women who are in leather or trying to leave silly "hints" and blah blah blah...pfft.

(in reply to azropedntied)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 5:39:29 PM   
LadyLupineNYC


Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hapistan

the only thing close to hanky codes we have outside the gay community, is wearing burberry*, which generally means "i've nothing interesting to say about anything at all"



*i'm making the assumption that theres not going to be any british burberry wearers reading this site to be offended by that joke.



I thought that made them a chav....


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"I have been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence..."


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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 5:44:58 PM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline
quote:

Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme


does yelling "Yo...subbie here" while waving arms in the air work?

GRINZ


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(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 5:55:06 PM   
hapistan


Posts: 83
Joined: 9/11/2008
Status: offline 		it does, i was just being mean about them...
we dont have chavs here mind, we have something much worse called scallies, basically an uberchav with a slightly different uniform

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 5:57:44 PM   
LadyLupineNYC


Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		Mistress demands photos!  Send a link on the other side of this hot mess! (My friend once showed me an anti-chav site after I showed up to brunch one day wearing a Burberry shirt and gold hoops; I though she was having a stroke)

_____________________________

Facta, non verba gratia placenti

"I have been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence..."


(in reply to hapistan)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 6:16:19 PM   
hapistan


Posts: 83
Joined: 9/11/2008
Status: offline 		googling "scallies" gives interesting results in images with safesearch off...

though absolutely not what you'd expect. there seems to be a gay porn subgenre.

I'm having trouble getting images that are distinct from chavs, but essentially black tracksuits that are (generally counterfeit, or to use the local term "jarg" versions of) lacoste armani, versace or henri lloyd, skinhead. never baseball caps, white socks into which the tracksuits are tucked and whatever trainer of choice is of the moment.
generally all lads in a group will wear the exact same clothes when out together. though the t-shirt may be variable.

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 6:21:56 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		Was that meant for me, Usako?  Assuming it was:

No, as I've tried to say in different ways, that's not the place I'm coming from.  I'm well aware that you're referring to an old and thorny problem - but it doesn't relate to my position now.  It's not been a question, for me, of over-focussing on the D/s side of things.   It's been exactly the opposite.  I've had vanilla after vanilla relationship in the past and right at this point I'm more scared of falling, yet again, for a woman who turns out to be purely and unalterably vanilla than I am of scaring off a Domme.  If at all possible, and with the least fuss, I want to be able to establish whether a woman has a Domme in her as soon as I can after the initial attraction.  To reiterate, the subject I've brought up here is a small thing involved in that attraction but, for me at least, now a crucial one. 

Granted one can swing to much the other way and I'm not in the least surprised that such overfocusing can be a major turn-off.  That would be self-evident to me anyway - but was made very clear a while back when I got the equivalent kind of attention from a Domme.  Long story.   Suffice to say that the coldness in the way she acted was repellent.  (It was only after two weeks that she chose to reveal the truth that she had a husband who wanted to watch.  That gives you some idea.)

(in reply to Usako)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 6:52:08 PM   
Usako


Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		From my point of view, I would be more turned off that a guy was trying to figure out if I was a domme as soon as he met me than anything else. It's a really personal, and sometimes sexual question that I wouldn't want a random guy asking me. I never suggestion starting full blown relationships with a woman; but at least to know her a tiny bit before plunging into her personal life isn't the end of the world.

A general conversation to see her mindset, another date to see how she works and perhaps drop the question (either politely or as a slight joke) at least.

But then again, that's just me. Maybe someone women want you all in their business, who knows.

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 6:53:42 PM   
CdnExplorer


Posts: 227
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline 		I always see people say that a sub guy should treat a woman like a person first, let the spark develop and then wait to drop the kink bomb at "the right time". Maybe I'm weird, but I don't have any problems with treating a woman like a person and actually being interested in who they are. The trouble is that always lands me quite firmly in platonic friend territory, because without that hint of dominance there ain't gonna be a spark. It's not a sex thing either, dominance is simply what I respond to on an emotional level. Dominant women seem to be about as common as snow in Florida where I live. On this end of the country kinksters tend to stay very closeted. There are a few dommes in the regional scene, but I'm sure there are many more who don't do the "community thing" and fly under the radar. Being somewhat of a conservative area things that go against the whole alpha male standard aren't really taken well. I think I'm making it sound worse than it really is, but we did have anti-gay protests outside the legislature in the late 90's.

Unfortunately it seems to be somewhat of a gordian knot. The only way I've found that works at all is to get to know dominant women through lifestyle events. A dominant, male or female, may be able to convert a "vanilla" partner to some extent but I don't think it works very well in the other direction, especially if submission means more to you than titillation. The only advice I can offer is to get involved in your bdsm community and focus on making friends. If you don't find your domme there maybe one of them will have friends that may be interested.

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 7:09:14 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		I always see people say that a sub guy should treat a woman like a person first, let the spark develop and then wait to drop the kink bomb at "the right time". Maybe I'm weird, but I don't have any problems with treating a woman like a person and actually being interested in who they are. The trouble is that always lands me quite firmly in platonic friend territory, because without that hint of dominance there ain't gonna be a spark.

Ah!  Thanks very much for that, CdnExplorer.  I was beginning to wonder if my powers of expression had deserted me.  I can so relate to what you're saying there.  It's my biggest fear at present that I'll sink into that particular swamp and I already feel that I've stepped into it.

Yes, I've made forays into the BDSM scene here in SW England.  There seems to be very little of it, though, for some reason.  I've tried sporadically with the munch scene again after a long absence (it's much more my style than the few clubs that there are), but I don't hold out many hopes.  The number of unattached "out" (if that's right expression!) Dommes in this area just does seem to be tiny.  Well, I've got myself prepared to travel a lot more, so that should help.

I really hope things work out for you.  I'd like to compare notes with you again some time, if you're willing. 

(in reply to CdnExplorer)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 7:18:29 PM   
CdnExplorer


Posts: 227
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline 		Thanks! I don't mind at all, it isn't as though my inbox here is getting bombarded

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 7:19:40 PM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline 		One of my NY subbie type friends was just asking how to approach the lovely business type women in tight skirts and high heals who ride public transportation with him on the work day transits.  He was saying that at least SOME of them HAVE to be Dommes.  He just can't figure out which ones and didn't know a good opening line to try to start a conversation.  I told him, if they are wearing those wonderful shoes, he should ask "Are those Christian Louboutins?"  A fun follow up would be  "I can't see the soles from this angle."  If you're really feeling cheeky, ask  "Mind if I check?"

< Message edited by MsStarlett -- 10/5/2008 7:20:08 PM >

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It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 10:22:40 PM   
faithfulfemme


Posts: 113
Joined: 5/24/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLupineNYC

Droll indeed.  The hottest movie ever, IMHO, was the unrated 'The Lover'.  The book was amazing too.



i concur, Lady Lupine.......absolutely one of the hottest movies ever, imho.  That movie just happened to pop into my memory a bit ago, and by coincidence it was shown here recently on one of the movie channels....HBO or ShowTime or one of those, i forget.  Anyway, it was just as good the second time around........think i'll have to see if i can't order the DVD online somewhere.....if there is a DVD....

i just now noticed that You said the "unrated" version of The Lover......goodness, now i wonder which one i just saw...... 

< Message edited by faithfulfemme -- 10/5/2008 10:25:09 PM >

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(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/5/2008 11:25:38 PM   
khem


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline 		We obviously need to start issuing t-shirts with this logo:

http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Girls-Rule-Tin-Sign-Posters_i1120475_.htm

(in reply to faithfulfemme)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/6/2008 3:05:08 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		He was saying that at least SOME of them HAVE to be Dommes.  He just can't figure out which ones and didn't know a good opening line to try to start a conversation.  I told him, if they are wearing those wonderful shoes, he should ask "Are those Christian Louboutins?"  A fun follow up would be  "I can't see the soles from this angle."  If you're really feeling cheeky, ask  "Mind if I check?"
 
Thanks for that tip, Ms Starlett - a good trick.  I'll have to brush up on my meagre knowledge of women's footwear, though.  Until only recently I thought slingbacks were what David wore when he went off to beat Goliath. 


(in reply to MsStarlett)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/6/2008 3:14:15 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		I wouldn't mind a badge with that logo

(in reply to faithfulfemme)
Profile   Post #: 60
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