RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/8/2008 8:20:23 PM

nd601

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Funny - this topic reminds me of why I joined this site. So far, I've always done the chemistry-first, kink-second route (at the moment, I won't refer to it as submission second, as I'm rather confused about all the terminology). My relationshps have been mostly vanilla, with the bdsm part coming in later as a result of experimentation. But here's the problem - what sounds delightfully naughty tried once, maybe twice, doesn't mean it's going to become regular order of business in the bedroom... and that's a problem if at least one of us wants it to be.

So if there were no "symbol of dommeness", this is how it would have to go - you first have to find someone interesting. Then figure out a way to bring up the subject matter. Then you've to figure out if this is something she finds "kinky" or is interested in exploring more in detail. The numbers are simply not on our side; there's only a limited amount of time that can be spared for courtship. Of course, it takes just one meeting, but who knows *when* that meeting would actually occur?

As a man, I prefer simplicity and directness. While the mere mention of a woman being dominant is not enough to make me court her, if there were some way to definitely know she wasn't, then I wouldnt want to waste my time trying; simply because her interest in s&m is a significant requirement that I would not like to sacrifice, unless there's something outstanding about her.

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/9/2008 5:33:29 AM

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You don't need to be gay to use the hanky code...

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/9/2008 6:44:19 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

You don't need to be gay to use the hanky code...

No, but you better be super comfortable being hit on by gay men...that and the vast majority of straight men/woman (and, yes, Dommes- hell even not all that many gay men know it) don't actually know it...so who WOULD you then be 'signaling' to?

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/9/2008 7:16:05 AM

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more's the pity

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLupineNYC

quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

You don't need to be gay to use the hanky code...

No, but you better be super comfortable being hit on by gay men...that and the vast majority of straight men/woman (and, yes, Dommes- hell even not all that many gay men know it) don't actually know it...so who WOULD you then be 'signaling' to?

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You're crazy bitch
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When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/9/2008 11:53:39 AM

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This is an interesting thread so far. I have a question and the ladies are the experts. I have always been attracted to alpha women. Does being dominant during daily life on the job or whatever mean women want to dominate their men when they get home? I have seen differing opinions about this. Also the french movie 'The Lover' is available as rental on Netflix.

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/10/2008 5:22:53 PM

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I've come to a conclusion on my own question here, MistresseLotus. I'd like something like that pin to go around my neck on a thong. It wouldn't only do the job of signalling that I want it to do, it would just somehow "feel right" for me to wear against the skin.

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/11/2008 8:42:00 PM

MR526

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You know, I too had a relationship where down the road, talking just as friends living thousands of miles apart he said "WHY didn't you tell me you liked that?!" but that was before I was more comfortable with my desires and knew that I did not want a vanilla relationship.

(in reply to PeonForHer)

RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/11/2008 10:12:53 PM

dreamerdreaming

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Wear a triskelion necklace, bracelet, ring or T shirt. A tattoo would work too but then you couldn't take it off. Although you could cover it up... Even a triskelion design on a book cover or a patch on your backpack or a bumpersticker on your car, or a sticker on your bicycle or guitar case or laptop, etc. would do the trick.

When we see it, a triskelion would signal everyone in the know immediately, that you are kinky.

But we still wouldn't know whether you are dom or sub, slave or owner, top, bottom, switch, if you want your kink 24/7 or reserved for sex, etc.- or if you are even available. And you wouldn't know those things about us either, just by seeing it. That needs and deserves a conversation.

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/12/2008 5:08:43 AM

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the triskelion is a pretty ancient symbol used for many things.. and might not necessarily mean what you suggest...

a leather pride flag (or similar in a piece of jewelry) is much more definitive...

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When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/12/2008 11:39:57 AM

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Thanks for that, but MR526 underlines the point for me, Dreamerdreaming. I've looked at the BDSM version of the treskilion and I like the design a lot. However, I think it's way too arcane to be fit for purpose. It needs to be a design that will make things obvious to a "nascent Domme" - one who may therefore know nothing at all about the BDSM scene and its symbols.

Actually, I'm searching for inspiration on this. Designing jewellery is one of a rich array of skills at which I'm rubbish. So far, I'm thinking of a disc-shape on a leather necklace, a bit less than an inch in diameter, in pewter or something equally plain. (Ironic, I know, but its got to be masculine-looking.)

As for the design, the best I can come up with so far is the word 'SHE' in very large letters over the word 'he' in much smaller letters. Maybe a boiling cauldron behind it. Yes, I know, the idea needs work. . . .

And once I've got past the design stage, I've then got to work out how to make the ****ing thing.

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/12/2008 12:19:26 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

Thanks for that, but MR526 underlines the point for me, Dreamerdreaming. I've looked at the BDSM version of the treskilion and I like the design a lot. However, I think it's way too arcane to be fit for purpose. It needs to be a design that will make things obvious to a "nascent Domme" - one who may therefore know nothing at all about the BDSM scene and its symbols.

Actually, I'm searching for inspiration on this. Designing jewellery is one of a rich array of skills at which I'm rubbish. So far, I'm thinking of a disc-shape on a leather necklace, a bit less than an inch in diameter, in pewter or something equally plain. (Ironic, I know, but its got to be masculine-looking.)

As for the design, the best I can come up with so far is the word 'SHE' in very large letters over the word 'he' in much smaller letters. Maybe a boiling cauldron behind it. Yes, I know, the idea needs work. . . .

And once I've got past the design stage, I've then got to work out how to make the ****ing thing.

When I was in college, I wore a handcuff key on a silver necklace. One, so I would always have it with me and know where it was. Two, because anyone who knew what a handcuff key looked like would know. I got the idea, ironically, as a teenager when I was in serious lust with multiple members of the band Duran Duran (I was born in 1968; so I was 14-16 when they made it, and I was like many teenage girls; probably explains my lust for men in femme clothes and makeup, too). There was a photo shoot early on where Simon leBon was wearing a key on a necklace and I noticed it looked like a handcuff key. What a great idea.

Anyway, some guys did notice. It was subtle. Nowadays, I sometimes wear a custom piece of jewelry, in white gold with a diamond, that was created to be a handcuff key, but a litle smaller. It's classy and elegant, but yeah, some people notice it, and ask about it. For those that I think should know, I tell them. For others, I just say it's a key pendant I found to be pretty.

Akasha

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/12/2008 12:39:20 PM

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Thanks for that, Akasha. Yes, not a bad idea - but I want to make it clear that I'm not someone who wants to handcuff anyone else but the reverse. Would a Domme always have used handcuffs and know what the keys look like? Perhaps, maybe probably . . . Hmm.

Thanks also for sharing your fondness of Duran Duran in the past. I realise how difficult it must have been for you to reveal that publicly here on this forum. One day I know I'm going to have to reveal to my friends and relations that I'm a sub - and your courage today has inspired me.

pforH
XX

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/12/2008 12:46:59 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

Thanks for that, Akasha. Yes, not a bad idea - but I want to make it clear that I'm not someone who wants to handcuff anyone else but the reverse. Would a Domme always have used handcuffs and know what the keys look like? Perhaps, maybe probably . . . Hmm.

Thanks also for sharing your fondness of Duran Duran in the past. I realise how difficult it must have been for you to reveal that publicly here on this forum. One day I know I'm going to have to reveal to my friends and relations that I'm a sub - and your courage today has inspired me.

pforH
XX

I think a key doesn't indicate dominant or submissive necessarily...and yes, anyone who has used handcuffs can recognize the distinct look of a double locking handcuff key.

And I'm not ashamed of my lust for Duran Duran when I was a teen. Many, many fond memories, dozens of concerts, meeting friends all over the world and random surreal moments. Inxs too, who I have seen live even recently, and still listen to them quite a bit. On steady rotation right now in my collection is the Deftones' cover of Duran Duran's "The Chauffeur," actually. I see my nieces with posters of the Jonas Brothers on the wall and try to reconcile the fact that at that age, my teenage fantasies did not involve "marrying" a member of the band, but kidnapping and tying them up. I started young.

I went straight from 80s new wave to industrial music, and I'm not embarrassed that I still listen to Skinny Puppy and F242, either :)
Akasha

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/12/2008 12:56:06 PM

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my teenage fantasies did not involve "marrying" a member of the band, but kidnapping and tying them up. I started young.

Where the hell were you when I was that age?

Yet more proof that communication of secret desires (well mine, anyway, at that age) is urgently required. Maybe I'll go for the keys, a mini-pair of handcuffs, a brooch and a necklace. As well as an armoury of one-liners that would sound like joke-questions to all women but Dommes.

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/12/2008 2:13:14 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NumberSix

simply look at her with heavy lidded eyes and say sotto voce, 'Do you spank?' if she blows her coffee or drink or steak tartar out her nose in a fit of helpless laughter and vulnerability, you can be pretty sure she is.

6

See, now, I'd snarf my mojito... and then probably come back as soon as I could catch a breath with "only if you beg -really- prettily."

CFB

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/12/2008 2:15:27 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

I understand that in the gay scene there are - or were - all sorts of accepted signals one can give that will indicate to a potential partner that you yourself are gay. (In fact, I'm told that the time when such signals were needed has quite possible passed - that scene being so much more open now.) Are there similar, accepted "codes" in the Ds scene?

If there aren't any such widely recognised codes (as I suspect), what discreet signal could a sub give to a possible Domme? I've tried little things before - like very quietly, so that only she can hear, addressing her as "Ma'am" just once - or even giving her a quick, slight bow. Each time I've carried on as normal thereafter and the signal's not been noticed for what it is (or so I've assumed).

What would convey it for a Domme in a vanilla setting? What would make her instantly think to herself, "Ah - I think that man's a sub!"

I've always found saying "I bet you hit like a girl" has been the most effective for me.

(in reply to PeonForHer)

RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/12/2008 2:15:41 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I see my nieces with posters of the Jonas Brothers on the wall and try to reconcile the fact that at that age, my teenage fantasies did not involve "marrying" a member of the band, but kidnapping and tying them up. I started young.

I went straight from 80s new wave to industrial music, and I'm not embarrassed that I still listen to Skinny Puppy and F242, either :)
Akasha

I -still- want to tie Trent Reznor up for a couple of hours and see how much damage I can do with a set of 23 gauge 1.5" needles!

Firestorm

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***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/12/2008 5:09:40 PM

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Absolutely excellent, Lookie. I love it. That line is now indelibly etched on my brain.

I make this promise to you now: if I get together after using that as an opening gambit with "a target", I'll wing you a tenner. No joke: - solemn promise. :-)

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/12/2008 8:02:09 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

Absolutely excellent, Lookie. I love it. That line is now indelibly etched on my brain.

I make this promise to you now: if I get together after using that as an opening gambit with "a target", I'll wing you a tenner. No joke: - solemn promise. :-)

(I help where I can).

(in reply to PeonForHer)

RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/12/2008 8:05:25 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

I understand that in the gay scene there are - or were - all sorts of accepted signals one can give that will indicate to a potential partner that you yourself are gay. (In fact, I'm told that the time when such signals were needed has quite possible passed - that scene being so much more open now.) Are there similar, accepted "codes" in the Ds scene?

If there aren't any such widely recognised codes (as I suspect), what discreet signal could a sub give to a possible Domme? I've tried little things before - like very quietly, so that only she can hear, addressing her as "Ma'am" just once - or even giving her a quick, slight bow. Each time I've carried on as normal thereafter and the signal's not been noticed for what it is (or so I've assumed).

What would convey it for a Domme in a vanilla setting? What would make her instantly think to herself, "Ah - I think that man's a sub!"

I've always found saying "I bet you hit like a girl" has been the most effective for me.

I love you, man!

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(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

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