RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/6/2008 3:34:42 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: khem

We obviously need to start issuing t-shirts with this logo:

http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Girls-Rule-Tin-Sign-Posters_i1120475_.htm

Sorry, but I'm going one better on this one. Just last evening, I was chatting via messenger with My husband, who happens to be in Korea. He had a couple of shirts made saying "Ow is not a safeword." On the back they say "Lady Pact."

If somebody can't figure it out from that, it's their own loss.

And, yes. I will wear it in public.

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/6/2008 3:36:33 AM

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You may send me the Tshirt. Size Medium. My birthday is next month.

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the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/6/2008 4:13:13 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: faithfulfemme

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLupineNYC

Droll indeed. The hottest movie ever, IMHO, was the unrated 'The Lover'. The book was amazing too.

i concur, Lady Lupine.......absolutely one of the hottest movies ever, imho. That movie just happened to pop into my memory a bit ago, and by coincidence it was shown here recently on one of the movie channels....HBO or ShowTime or one of those, i forget. Anyway, it was just as good the second time around........think i'll have to see if i can't order the DVD online somewhere.....if there is a DVD....

i just now noticed that You said the "unrated" version of The Lover......goodness, now i wonder which one i just saw......

Even more naky time! NoDVD, unless the Blockbuster Puritantical cut is goodenough for you

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/6/2008 4:48:17 AM

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Are you talking about The Lover (L'Amant) 1992 (unrated)? If so, there's one available on the bit-torrent network. It looks like a DVD-quality copy, but it won't be a quick download. Not that I'm recommending illegal downloading activities to anyone, of course.

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/6/2008 3:44:28 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

Are you talking about The Lover (L'Amant) 1992 (unrated)? If so, there's one available on the bit-torrent network. It looks like a DVD-quality copy, but it won't be a quick download. Not that I'm recommending illegal downloading activities to anyone, of course.

hrmmmmm...I would MUCH rather have an actualy copy but....

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/6/2008 3:58:23 PM

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There wouldn't be a difference in the quality between the original DVD and the copy, LadyLupine. I'm not sure how well up on this DVD burning stuff you are, but it doesn't work that way. Well, anyway, a friend's going to download and review it, then he can let me know. I'll message you then, if you like.

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/6/2008 4:00:32 PM

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I will have to ask the boy when he returns from school; not sure about the state of our computers and thier abilities.

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/6/2008 4:09:32 PM

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OK, but if that proves a dead end for whatever reason, please let me know.

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/8/2008 5:02:33 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLupineNYC

Woman who are naturally dominant, I feel, will be far more drawn to the confident male who can also bow to her pleasures over someone who appear to be trying to put a leather corset on any woman he meets with the slightest air of dominance.

I disagree with this logic. I mean, couldn't you say the same thing about vanilla women? Being confident isn't automatically code for submissiveness. I really think the BDSM community should have signs or jewelery or symbols of some sort. I really am sick of dealing with this ridiculous game where I have to guess about a girl's sexuality and BDSM openness.

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/8/2008 5:19:27 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shymetalsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLupineNYC

Woman who are naturally dominant, I feel, will be far more drawn to the confident male who can also bow to her pleasures over someone who appear to be trying to put a leather corset on any woman he meets with the slightest air of dominance.

I disagree with this logic. I mean, couldn't you say the same thing about vanilla women? Being confident isn't automatically code for submissiveness. I really think the BDSM community should have signs or jewelery or symbols of some sort. I really am sick of dealing with this ridiculous game where I have to guess about a girl's sexuality and BDSM openness.

You are missing the point; BDSM is no different than ‘vanilla’ relationships in that there are preferences, understandings, interactions, emotional involvement, commitment (or a version of it) etc. It is precisely this idea that I should somehow be dripping in heavily symbols, signs, and fetish just to ‘show’ you who I am suggesting is such a turn off. I don’t NEED any of that to feel, be, act, or engage in dominance. While I get that you are frustrated I am not exactly sympathetic; is dating ‘vanilla’ so much easier? That girl you are eyeing at the end of the bar, you know for SURE that she is going to be into you? Maybe, she likes a particular eye color, hair color, hair, cut, type of dress? The ‘difference’ in D/s relationships is the added difficultly of compatible fetishes, kinks, and desires for the same level of involvement. So basically just another layer on top of all the other stuff found in ‘vanilla’ dating scenes. Don’t discount the value of ‘confidence’; a good many of the woman on here are look, want, have s-types who are very proud of who they are and their ‘station’ in like. These simpering guys you find at clubs? Off you go and buy me a drink if you must, but I have no interest in you…never will.

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/8/2008 5:41:24 PM

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I think what guys are trying to get at here is this: society in general seems to frown upon kink, and even more so upon men who supposedly give up their gender role and don't take control. I can't tell you how hard it was drilled into my head that men sexually are the aggressor. By my peers no less. Female peers. Given that submission is not something that I can just take or leave, I'm not about to start hitting up random women on the slim chance that she isn't disgusted by who I am. Personal rejection aside, people talk and word gets around.

The issue is really one of context. In a bdsm club or some other environment where kink is ok I have no problem expressing my interests to someone. Outside of that in the "vanilla world" some kind of indication that someone isn't going to react with disgust at our power orientation is going to make submissive men much more likely to approach someone.

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/8/2008 5:48:34 PM

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Having been in both situations (clubs and 'vanilla' places where I have met s-type men by happenstance) and I can tell you that for those of us already attuned to s-types, you hide in plain sight, no matter how you think you don’t. The issue isn’t really ‘how do I signal to a Domme’, but that D-type woman, ones who you are equally as good as I am in ‘sensing’ and not necessarily into BDSM. Maybe you need to ask yourself what is more important- being with a powerful woman (who may well grow interesting in participating in kink down the road but isn’t now) or being with a kinky woman. I would think the ‘powerful woman’ would be the main attraction here, not how much leather she has in her closet.

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/8/2008 6:03:15 PM

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For me at least it's very much about being with a woman who is powerful. That's why I never approach in vanilla situations, I need someone who is interested in D/s and not just a little slap and tickle. Dominant women may become attuned to to s-types, but we also see all these threads saying that we should do the approaching. If we don't have a clue what's going on, but you know what the score is...doesn't it seem a tad unfair to expect us to leap to the correct conclusion? The irony of it all really amuses me.

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/8/2008 6:09:06 PM

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The fact that you are having no luck with your current 'tactics' should inform your choices. Based on your own response a powerful woman to you IS one who is into BDSM beyond just a little ‘slap and tickle’ (tad close to ‘one truw-ism, no?)... I am pointing out that being so narrow you are missing a lot of opportunities. I was, before I was a ‘Domme’ still very much the person I am now. It to one bold man to ask, rather casually, “so, you even spank a man?” Sure enough, that night I beat him good…you really never know.

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/8/2008 6:32:26 PM

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I'm having no luck with my current 'tactics' because I live in a small community where simply being gay is barely acceptable, and people tend to be within a few degrees of everyone else. If you're out to the wrong person, you'll soon be out to everyone...and that's not something I'm particularly looking for.

When I say "just a little slap and tickle" there's no truw-ism involved; simply self awareness of what it is I want. I'm really not too interested in what other people get off on, beyond the fact that they're aware of it and feel ok about it. For a lot of people kinky play is enough, and if that floats your boat then good for you. What I enjoy is the control itself, particularly when someone gets off on it. A lot of people get what they need out of fetishism and pain, but I need someone to really love being in control and to need it as well. If they're not that into it I'm not going to get what I need either. Now, the one saving grace here is that I only seem to form chemistry with women who are like that. So far I've only met them through the bdsm community, so it could very well be that outside of that safe environment these powerful women are holding back on expressions of their power orientation to the point that the chemistry never has a chance to form.

You could say that I should just move, but I've already done the huge city thing once before I accepted my inclinations. I really find that level of population density hard to live in. In any case my career / student loan situation makes it rather difficult for me to move right now anyway. I was more interested in clarifying the question for those who were somehow reaching the conclusion that the OP just wanted a Domme to take full control of the courtship thing.

Edit: I should add that I'm not *that* unsuccessful with my tactics heh. I've found several play partners over the last year, but that's not quite the same thing as a relationship.

< Message edited by CdnExplorer -- 10/8/2008 6:36:18 PM >

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/8/2008 6:39:06 PM

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Courtship is a mutual dance; I am sure most would agree. But I bristle at the idea whe should be all wearing some 'sign' some do, that's great, but as a 'system'? No thanks.

I get the restrictive community issue; my boy moved from small town KS (where wearing a dog collar as some 'Goth' kid did was whispered about). NYC is a much better fit, esp since that means living with Mistress

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/8/2008 6:45:37 PM

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I don't find the idea that offensive myself. The gay community had a simple code for covertly expressing orientations and interests when they couldn't be open about it. Bdsm seems to be in a similar environment now. It's becoming slightlly less shocking than it was, but is still far from accepted. If I could wear some little signal that expresses my identity to those who understand and accept it, I would. There's no should about it, clearly, but it would be nice to have the option.

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/8/2008 6:51:50 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CdnExplorer

I think what guys are trying to get at here is this: society in general seems to frown upon kink, and even more so upon men who supposedly give up their gender role and don't take control. I can't tell you how hard it was drilled into my head that men sexually are the aggressor. By my peers no less. Female peers. Given that submission is not something that I can just take or leave, I'm not about to start hitting up random women on the slim chance that she isn't disgusted by who I am. Personal rejection aside, people talk and word gets around.

The issue is really one of context. In a bdsm club or some other environment where kink is ok I have no problem expressing my interests to someone. Outside of that in the "vanilla world" some kind of indication that someone isn't going to react with disgust at our power orientation is going to make submissive men much more likely to approach someone.

I've been away from the dating/flirting/predatory femdom scene for a few years. But I can't help but remember that flirtation simply revealed what needed to be revealed and rather than give a signal, it was better to let things evolve organically. If there was a universal femdom "symbol" and I was looking, I don't think I would use the symbol anyway. I would not want to expose myself to all the guys that were horny and wanted a free dominatrix session, or all the vanilla guys who just thought it would be "cool" to be tied up to get a blow job or have a woman jump on top and screw him (the obvious horny stereotype).

When I was single and went to clubs a lot, I'd dress quite fetishy - it was fun. Everyone was dressing that way tho, these were alternative (not S&M, just edgy) clubs. When I took the same attire to more vanilla-ish clubs, endless guys would hit on me because they thought I looked kinky and they were just horny assholes. Not fun. So I skipped that.

Rather than look for signals, know that a femdom is just like any other woman. And there are also lots of women that have femdom tendencies they have yet to discover. Date, flirt, and expose yourself to women that seem to be adventurous and open minded. Listen to her cues.

I've been exposing myself to more submissive men and bottoms as I am looking for chemistry for an outside partner in my primary relationship. I'm reminded as I interview and get to know lots of sub men that I am far more interested in a man's personality, intelligence, capability, and strengths than his ability to show me any 'submissive capability' or availability. It goes chemistry first, submission second. And I want to peel the layers of submission back like an onion, not have it splayed out the moment I say, "Go." First, though, I have to be sincerely intrigued about what lies inside. Many submissive men seem to choose this route: Submission first, chemistry second. "If you like my sub side, you will dominate me," or, "I am submissive, see, do you like it? Want more?"

Shyness is ok. Being kind of quiet is fine. Little subtle cues of vulnerability are interesting when properly placed. I'm only talking about what pushes my buttons and makes me intrigued, of course, but maybe other women feel like this too. I just like to have that chemistry in place, first. I like to have my dominant desires evolve from an organic place of lust, attraction, interest or affection.

Remember, also, that many femdom-types have been become quite good at telling which men are going to be open to kink or submission and which ones aren't, whether they are self identified subs or not.

Akasha

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(in reply to CdnExplorer)

RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/8/2008 6:53:52 PM

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The codes started in the gay community for reasons not relevant here; in part, it was communication while at bath houses, gay bars, etc, not so much in 'public' places. So it was not so much intended for clandestine communication, but for people already self identified to meet up with people interesting in the same sexual acts as they are. You want a symbol? Plenty of places sell the ‘ownership’ culture necklace (ISR) or the BDSM ying/yang symbol. So just get one. Someone in the scene will know it. But it won’t solve your biggest issue- small towns mean less people mean LESS people interested in your interest. Period. That and if I saw somebody wearing it, I would honestly laugh to myself and ignore, but that could just be me.

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RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme - 10/8/2008 6:57:30 PM

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*bows to Akasha spot-on assesment of what it is like for Domme woman both in scene and out...*

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"I have been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence..."

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