tazzygirl
Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: HisNani
I need help...I'm so scared.
The story: I have an inability to set healthy boundaries with others. So I kept in contact with anyone I'd ever been in a relationship with. My Master had me sever those connections for my own mental health. And I did so. One of those whom I blocked contact with managed to contact me again, and kept doing so. My Master asked me why I hadn't told her to leave me alone. I had said that it was because he'd told me not to talk to them. He said I should have asked what to do. And I was punished for not doing so.
for your own mental health. i will come back to that in a moment.
quote:
Now, months later, one of those relationships that I blocked contact with a long time ago contacted me again on the 4th with a new screen name. I knew contact was forbidden, but my Master wasn't answering texts or the phone so I couldn't ask. I went with my best judgement. I told the boy I was sorry, but no longer speaking with him was for the best. That it hurt, but I had done what my Master had told me, because I trusted him, and he was showing me how to live. The boy swore and complained about my Master and wanted me to unblock him. I told him no, that it would be violating my Master's trust in me. He told me I was stupid and logged off.
if this was truly someone who cared about you, they would have not spoken how they did about the man who owns you.
on the flip side, your Master commanded you no more contact with these people. what i dont see is you mentioning if you had met your Master by this point, or if you were still just on line. has he also forbade you to speak to anyone else?
quote:
I was very proud about how I handled myself. I had told him to leave me alone, and ensured he would no longer contact me. I had told him that my Master meant so much to me and by saying what I had about doing what my Master told me, I'd shown that I trust in my Master.
That night I talked on the phone with my Master, as usual. We had a short, pleasant conversation, and I did not bring up the chat because I was afraid of how he'd react to it, and I didn't want to potentially ruin the nice conversation we'd had. The next night was an even shorter conversation as my Master was very tired. This morning I sent him the chat transcript, in full. I told him I hoped he was proud of me for how I handled myself, for how I made the boy go away.
fear in telling your Master something you thought you had done correctly is never a good thing. open communication, even when we make mistakes, its always a must
quote:
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He wasn't. Not remotely.
In fact, he's very very very very very angry with me. He says that I disobeyed him by talking with the boy in the first place. Says I should have just blocked him. (boundaries issue.) Says I shouldn't have apologized for hurting the boy's feelings. Says I shouldn't have made it seem as if my Master and I were divided on the issue of me cutting off contact (even though we had been) because it makes my Master look badly.
so he was more concerned about how he looked to someone he told you to have no contact with, yet, told you not to appologize for hurting his feelings. sort of odd behavior there. i would have thought he would be more concerned with you having any contact, and then.. well.. i cant speak for your Master.. just.. odd that he would care how the boy views him.
quote:
And that I should have stood up for him when the boy was bitching about him.
again, i wonder
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I honestly thought I'd done something right...done something that he'd be proud of because of what had happened the last time...when he had told me I should have told them to leave me alone.
My Master lives in another state. He is making plans to come up to me next week to punish me. He's told me he's going to punish me by beating me with his belt and cutting off all of my hair. (he knows I have post traumatic stress disorder related to being beaten. he also knows that I was teased my entire life and laughed at, and cutting off my hair will make me stick out, a target for negative attention, and cause people to tease and laugh at me again. Both of which, he knows, I psychologically can't handle.) I have explained myself to him as best as I can. I even explained my confusion. It didn't make a difference.
This is where I'm desperate for help. I realize that this isn't a little deal, but does it really warrant the punishment he's going to give me? That punishment is going to make me afraid of any sort of touch from anyone...I will physically recoil. It's happened before. And to deal with the trauma of being made fun of for my appearance...again...I wouldn't be able to deal with being out in public. I have very little self-confidence as is...I'd have none whatsoever. I'd completely lose my personality.
I'm knowledgeable about the Lifestyle, but I am a slave who seriously lacks experience. This is the first time I've been involved in a Lifestyle relationship of this caliber, a relationship that truly is what a Lifestyle relationship is meant to be. But I don't know what to expect.
I'm terrified. He says my choice is face the punishments or leave. We aren't just a M/s relationship, we're also a couple. I love him...I'm unwaveringly devoted to him. And I'm trying so very very very hard to please him. I feel like the child that was trying to make his mommy proud by pouring her a bowl of cereal for breakfast...but ends up making a mess and shattering the bowl. I only ever had the best of intentions.
What am I to do? I'm so afraid...it's really hard for me to trust people...I don't even trust myself...and I'm trying to trust that he knows and understands my limits...but I don't think he'd consider it punishment to beat me three times with the belt and cut off an inch of my hair.
Please help me...I need someone who understands to give their opinion, their advice...please...
Nani
ok, on all the rest... he is already emotionally abusing you just by mentioning the possibility. if you are this shattered and upset, then the punishment has begun. punishment should never be given in anger. its the only time i advocate silence as a form of punishment, for this very reason. he was angry, he MAY have said what he did out of anger, and didnt mean what he said. however, for your sake, assume he did... and get out. a Master's obligation is to the mental well being of his submissive/slave. is he showing that by taking your most obvious fears and using them agains you? i dont believe he is, and its intentional.
intentional emotional abuse is not part of the lifestyle.
nani.... leave him.. open your heart back to those who care.. and heal yourself before finding another man who may do the same.
tazzy
< Message edited by tazzygirl -- 11/6/2008 2:40:49 PM >
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