quote:

When you start talking about how the death of one thing pales in comparison to the death of another, that is very much, competition - even if you'd like to say you weren't doing so. Good for you that threatening the death of an animal wouldn't stop you. Bad on me that it did huh?

Enjoy your holier than thou place in life. Pray it doesn't bite you in the ass.

juliet

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I have to wonder if it could be a way that bugs me on some weird level. Something I've always taken as being my problem and not that of the other person.

It's a sort of wearing their experience and survival as a badge of honour. The discussions appear to almost be a one-ups-manship. "oh you got xxx done to you? well I had xxx AND zzz!!!! And I survived!" (insert my perception of "aren't I special!?!")

Beyond the above reasons, I fear that some people make their survival such a huge part of who they are that they lose so much more. They make it their central defining characteristic that comes out in discussions where it isn't necessary. Or that they are so passionate about that experience, their experience, that they lose the ability to be open minded on many issues. It traps them and even though they see themselves as survivors, they are still being victimized by their past.

I completely agree with this and is what I was trying to say - obviously I failed.  Some people get so wrapped up in their survival and the fact that they were once a victim, everything else falls pales.  And then that same person makes subtle comments that could be seen as abusive when you suggest that someone else tells them how they disagree and yet, they have no concept that it might be abusive because they are still wrapped up in their own survival.  It's like wearing blinkers.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

When you start talking about how the death of one thing pales in comparison to the death of another, that is very much, competition - even if you'd like to say you weren't doing so. Good for you that threatening the death of an animal wouldn't stop you. Bad on me that it did huh?

Enjoy your holier than thou place in life. Pray it doesn't bite you in the ass.

juliet

If she thinks the death of one pales to another why would it matter to you? Do you feel guilty in some manner for not leaving or do you think she is judging you for not doing so?
I'm an animal lover so I hold animals up pretty close to people when it comes to a lot of things and higher in other respects but if it came to the animal or the safety of myself and my offspring I would choose the last two. Really my first option would be to do what's posted below.

I would have simply taken the pet with me :>

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Victim Mentality is usually seen in "Professional Victims" often craving for sympathy and attention. Because much of the suffering they have is psychosomatic with no relationship to reality both past and present (generally) it is still jolly hard to separate this from genuine suffering which they have or had. In any case it really is a case by case line call as to weather you intend to buy into their issues or back off.

If the truth be known, nearly all of us have suffered some form of subtle abuse or perceived subtle abuse in the past but didn't know it or accepted it as part of life (children can be included her because they perceive things and process them differently so that a parent who "blows his or her lid" for regular misbehavior can be in effect abusive though not intentionally). Again, I doubt seriously if there are any of us who haven't been guilty of subtle abuse and not so subtle abuse at one time or another even if in defense of self or in retaliation for a perceived wrong. Most wouldn't recognize their actions as being abusive..

I know I can and do at times come across as a bad tempered abusive sod. Usually both my back and knees are giving me merry hell and morphine isn't helping much and is till have to complete some building project about the house. As Neets can testify, I rarely become abusive, physically or verbally, towards others but towards the problem (knees and/or back) or towards the project etc. I am terse with people even after until I have settled into my chair or after a hot shower and am lighting my pipe with the physical stress lifting. Because I am aware, I usually try to keep a space between me and the rest of my family so they don't inadvertently receive any flack. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
Well, I shouldn't say no friends. I had friends. I just had no friends who weren't worried that he'd come to their house and hurt THEIR families. They also weren't prepared to take in someone with three kids and a dog who had no money and no job (my daughter at the time, took full time care)

juliet

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
Well, I shouldn't say no friends. I had friends. I just had no friends who weren't worried that he'd come to their house and hurt THEIR families. They also weren't prepared to take in someone with three kids and a dog who had no money and no job (my daughter at the time, took full time care)

juliet

I wanted to respond to this and meh I might get booed for it.  But honestly, then they weren't friends.
 
the.dark.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
Well, I shouldn't say no friends. I had friends. I just had no friends who weren't worried that he'd come to their house and hurt THEIR families. They also weren't prepared to take in someone with three kids and a dog who had no money and no job (my daughter at the time, took full time care)

juliet

I wanted to respond to this and meh I might get booed for it.  But honestly, then they weren't friends.
 
the.dark.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
Well, I shouldn't say no friends. I had friends. I just had no friends who weren't worried that he'd come to their house and hurt THEIR families. They also weren't prepared to take in someone with three kids and a dog who had no money and no job (my daughter at the time, took full time care)

juliet

I wanted to respond to this and meh I might get booed for it.  But honestly, then they weren't friends.
 
the.dark.

Boo.

I was in this position. My husband was at work and my son was an infant. Taking her into my home was a risk i could not take with a baby to protect. Arrangememts were made for her to be taken to a hotel for the night in a distant area.

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
Right. But honestly dark, whether they were friends who wouldn't help or not friends at all, it didn't change my circumstance at all in the situation I was in.
 
juliet

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

When you start talking about how the death of one thing pales in comparison to the death of another, that is very much, competition - even if you'd like to say you weren't doing so. Good for you that threatening the death of an animal wouldn't stop you. Bad on me that it did huh?

Enjoy your holier than thou place in life. Pray it doesn't bite you in the ass.

juliet

If she thinks the death of one pales to another why would it matter to you? Do you feel guilty in some manner for not leaving or do you think she is judging you for not doing so?

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly
Boo.

Love ya too.

quote:

I was in this position. My husband was at work and my son was an infant. Taking her into my home was a risk i could not take with a baby to protect. Arrangememts were made for her to be taken to a hotel for the night in a distant area.

 
Ah, but there is the difference, you were still proactive in making arrangements.  You still did something.  That wasn't the inital scenario presented.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to sirsholly)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
Right. But honestly dark, whether they were friends who wouldn't help or not friends at all, it didn't change my circumstance at all in the situation I was in.
 
juliet

I simply don't get the mentality where someone would belive that they were your friend, yet not be there when you really need them.  We have a threadful of people, listing advice on what to do, where to go, how to identify abuse, how to deal with it, how they dealt with it... and one single person who couldn't find one single friend to open their doors to someone whom they called friend and her family who was in an abusive situation.  The thing is it could have and might have changed the situation... no one has no way of knowing that - if you were at the point you wanted to leave.
 
Your scenario, to me, only affirms my idea that most people are on the whole more talk than action.
 
the.dark.

quote:

Yes, I think she very much IS judging those of us who didn't do as she'd do. I also think she's getting off on watching us attempt to explain the inexplicable. Crazy-making behavior creates crazy-making mindsets, and when you live with someone who engages in crazy-making behavior, you tend to react in less than rational ways as well.

I think the best any of us who have stayed in situations like this can do is attempt to explain where we were at that time. Chances are we'd do things vastly differently now, but at the time, we did what we thought was right - dysfunctionally since we were immersed in a very dysfunctional situation. But pointing out how SHE would have done things differently does not change the fact that we did things to the best of our abilities at the time given the circumstances we were in. Pointing out how SHE would have done things in those situations, having never been in those situations is akin to the judgmental views of the childless on how THEY would have done things differently if it'd have been THEIR child.

Yes, she is being extremely judgmental.

juliet

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
Well, I shouldn't say no friends. I had friends. I just had no friends who weren't worried that he'd come to their house and hurt THEIR families. They also weren't prepared to take in someone with three kids and a dog who had no money and no job (my daughter at the time, took full time care)

juliet

I wanted to respond to this and meh I might get booed for it.  But honestly, then they weren't friends.
 
the.dark.

Boo.

I was in this position. My husband was at work and my son was an infant. Taking her into my home was a risk i could not take with a baby to protect. Arrangememts were made for her to be taken to a hotel for the night in a distant area.

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra


So here's my question... what happened after that night in a hotel? What happened to her from there? Where did she go? Just what happened? Cause getting out for the night helps for the night. But after that, what next? How did she STAY out? That's what I couldn't see and if I left, I wanted to make sure I didn't go back. I'd already tried to leave a number of times and each time that I went back, the situation was exponentially worse. Finally, I gave up leaving without a plan and began to work my plan. It took time and during that time, we went through tons more stuff, but at least I had a plan. I graduated, then started looking for and stockpiling money, and then, when he was away on a business trip (we were actually being transferred to another state and he was already working there) and had left me money to handle things at home, I filed for divorce.

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra 
lol.. of COURSE they are! Why do you think this stuff we've been talking about is so able to continue and is so darn rampant? It exists precisely BECAUSE people are more talk than action.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Yesterday I spent a lot of time thinking about this thread and trying to examine my own behavior and motivations. I ended up writing this huge post here this morning and just before I posted it I refreshed and read a few of the last pages. Then I hit delete. I realized that this thread is indeed heartbreaking....and nauseating. I realized that there was no way to post what I had written, no matter how much clarity I thought it may bring to some, without getting covered in more shit. I wouldn't be explaining at this point...I'd be doing what others on here are doing at this point....defending themselves. I don't need to defend myself for being vulnerable. I don't need to defend myself for having the capacity to love. I don't need to defend myself for being a less than perfect being with all the answers.

I am seeing people asking the age old questions of why. I see people trying to explain why. But the truth is that there are some who will never understand. The truth is that there are some who don't ever want to understand. Because to understand would also mean that they would have to admit that they too are vulnerable. That they are not immune. That it could happen to them too. And that's some scary shit. Maybe that vulnerability is what others see in a survivor. Maybe that is why it appears we carry this with us long after we are standing on our own. Because, unlike those who have never been there, we can't deny it. We have to live out the rest of our days with the knowledge that we are vulnerable. It would be a lot easier to think otherwise.

But why did you?.....But why didn't you?.....If it were me I would have.... But it wasn't you, and I will say it again...until it is you, you have no way of knowing what you would do, how you would feel, how you would react. But if it comforts you somehow to think that you know....more power to you....and I truly and sincerely hope that you never have to find out just how wrong on that one you are.

Instead of just saying that they're glad you found your way out....no matter how long it took....or no matter what had to happen on the path to getting there. Instead of listening to their stories and saying thank you for sharing that, maybe someone will see light as a result of hearing it....maybe someone will recognize what is happening earlier and won't have to go through that...maybe someone will reach their hand out and help pull someone up who is down. Nope....because then they would have to admit that it could just as easily be them. That way they can stay smarter and stronger....even if it is an illusion.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Instead of just saying that they're glad you found your way out....no matter how long it took....or no matter what had to happen on the path to getting there. Instead of listening to their stories and saying thank you for sharing that, maybe someone will see light as a result of hearing it....maybe someone will recognize what is happening earlier and won't have to go through that...maybe someone will reach their hand out and help pull someone up who is down. Nope....because then they would have to admit that it could just as easily be them. That way they can stay smarter and stronger....even if it is an illusion.