NuevaVida
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster
I kinda thought I was done with all the abuse stuff today, but this is simply bizarre. Someone who breaks a plate is saying that he's angry because his partner doesn't do the things he needs to feel loved?
Maybe he's angry because he just got his electric bill in the mail and it's more than he can afford?
Or he chipped the plate taking it out of the cabinet and he's frustrated with himself for being so clumsy? (I've done that.)
Or he just dropped a hammer on his toe and he's mad with pain?
Or...I don't know...but I would have thought of a billion things before I got to "He's angry because his partner doesn't do the things he needs to feel loved."
quote:
ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael - This isn't personal, I am breaking this plate (with the clear implication "instead of you") because I am so angry that you don't do things I need to feel loved.
At least, that is how I see it.
Hi LAM,
I was going to stay out of the abuse discussions, too, but your comments are surprising to me and I want to comment my thoughts, in turn.
Abusive behavior is a behavior that makes the people around you (partner, friend, family, co-workers, strangers) feel emotionally or physically unsafe. One can have all the best intentions in the world without realizing he/she is engaging in abusive behavior. Where the line is blurred is where different people have different emotional and physical thresholds. Maybe for person A, it is perfectly acceptable for her partner to smash kitchen plates whenever angry, and her partner, person B, isn't affected in the slightest about it. That was the case in my upbringing - smashing plates was the norm with my mother, and my dad shrugged it off. It scared the shit of me and my siblings, however, so while my dad did not see it as abusive behavior from his point of view, it was abusive behavior in ours.
In other words, "abuse" can be subjective. So for you and the other men in that other thread to belittle or make light of what others find abusive is unfair.
Yelling can be abusive, in certain contexts, as can breaking things, as can hitting, as can lodging threats. It depends on context and it depends on what the observers to that behavior can handle. And just because someone can't handle something you think they should, does not mean they are less of a person, or less worthy, or "too weak." We all have different thresholds. We all are affected differently by different things. Things that might upset you, for example, might roll off my shoulder as no big deal. But where the hell is my compassion and expanded thinking if I point and say you are wrong for feeling as you do? That is, essentially, what you are doing to those of us who are finding potentials for abuse in the things you are not.
Personally, if the person I'm with yells and breaks things over financial issues, or clumsiness issues, or any other issue for that matter, I'm going to feel scared in that environment, and I'm going to lose respect, thinking this person doesn't handle anger and frustration very well. I'll probably refer him to some really good books on the subject, and find him to be overall a rather unhappy person. My former owner yelled a lot about things I found unnecessary. I always told him it made me feel frightened when he did, and that I was concerned for his peace of mind, as it didn't seem to exist. When he would get that way I would shut down, become extremely quiet, and it would take some work on his part to make me feel safe enough to come out from my emotional barriers. I wasn't afraid he would physically assault me; I was feeling emotionally and spiritually assualted in that environment, whether it had to do with me or not. The difference between what he did and what I am seeing in these threads is that he recognized it as abuse and chose to continue anyway, rather than to say I was wrong for feeling assaulted. Instead, it was our understanding that he could behave abusively with me if he wanted to, and, at times, he did. He never hid the fact of what he was doing. He acknowledged it and said it would continue. I accepted it as part of the bigger picture that was our relationship. If he put me down for feeling what I did, I may have responded differently.
There is a line in my favorite piece of writing (Desiderata, by Max Ehrmann): "Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit." You have been asking (in the other thread) for all sorts of clinical papers that define abuse and its progression. Why? I did a Google search and found all sorts of things that support what years of counseling have already taught me - assault to the body/mind/heart/spirit is abuse. To stand hard in defense of that, demonstrates, in my opinion, an unwillingness to look beyond one's own behavior and persona and the effects it may have on others. It is to stand in place with little regard for others. And while I know that sometimes people throw the "abuse" word around as an excuse for not looking at their own person and possible issues with the ability to reason, I haven't seen that addressed here - I have seen people genuinely speak of their own histories with abuse, and those stories brushed aside for lack of "clinical evidence." Is is not enough that someone might feel emotionally unsafe? Should that be reason enough for someone to want to evaluate his/her own behavior in the situation? Or is is more important to stand firm that "My behavior is ok and the rest of you are wrong." ??
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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.
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RE: Subtle Abuse - 
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I do it painfulkly regularly and often enough a 5lb brickies hammer but worse still is to drop a brick in the toe and you've been too bloody stupid to wear boots and have sandals on.. 
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