Aszhrae
Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
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Its interesting how everyone has suggested that I should have had a back up plan.
I did actually, though I did not have much in my savings at the time, I used it to help mistress and master recover. They used it all without considering that it was to keep me safe and comfortable just for this situation.
Two years later they loaned me out, thought that they were giving me a chance to earn it all back. Nope, all the money I earned they used it for themselves and I have nothing as a result.
Months later mistress decided that it would be in best interest to look elsewhere, telling me that I have until October of this year.
I have done as you have all suggested already.
Social assistance since I am residing still with mistress and master, I am only entitled to 235$ per month. The allowance that was being received laboring for master, brought it up somewhat but not much. It also takes a year to qualify for affordable housing and since I have not filed income tax since I was 18 years old. I really don't exist because I have always labored for my allowance.
In most cases, you need to be on the streets and destitute before you get any real help like you are suggesting. I have already inquired about much that you have already suggested that I do. Unless I was a single mother with a child to support or elderly or had a visible disability, some advice can not be followed.
What allowance I do get is going towards everything that has to do with my identity, pardon because I was bad girl back in Toronto, because I was nabbed with a butterfly knife and charged with mischief and possession of weapons dangerous.
Now to continue with your offered advice. When I ran away back in '01, I probably should not have returned. However I still felt some obligation towards my mistress and thus I returned. When I had run and was stateside I had little trouble in getting support because I had a great many friends that I had established with the use of the internet. The thing about being on the run, I always had a destination. Yes, I was transient at that time for 3 months and probably managed to see more of the states than most americans.
However since 01 it has become increasingly more difficult to leave because of master. Like I said, I am bound because I am awaiting funding for surgery, but there is also my pardon and the factor of suitable ID needed to get my passport. Once I have those then I am so out of here.
However, the emptiness that I feel is how my present mistress is treating me and how my present situation is causing me some serious negative reactions.
I have been paying attention to the advice that has been given to me. Believe it or not, some of the advice has only brought up some deeper issues that have caused me further angst. Other advice has been extremely helpful, some of which has been privately by others that have responded to this thread.
Consider the factors.
It is true that I have a fear of being alone.
It is true that I have an increasing anxiety towards mistress and what might happen to her by master's hand since I will no longer be here for him to abuse emotionally.
My concern for mistress' well being as also raised to the surface something that I am obviously not over, that would be my mistrust towards men in general. Unless someone has introduced them to me as someone I can trust, I will only tolerate them enough to speak with them but not associate with them on a regular basis. Despite all that you girls say about your masters and how great they are to you. That's great, you are fulfilled and happy with your relationship. A relationship that is not in the cards for me given my own violent past with me at the receiving end of their violence. Congratulations for your ongoing success.
It is true that I have issues. This is not a whine or wah-wah-wah, its wanting to discuss my issues with others here, girl to girl or girl to gay. A few have taken the invitation and have spoken to me regarding my issues privately.
In regards to employment. I have done what you have suggested also and did seek employment counselors and even counselors having to do with transhealth issues. The employment counselors have tried to place me, their advice, drop my transition and I could get employed very quickly. That is not an option and I have told them that, their response, sorry we can not help you.
As for the counselor that has been replaced by a male equivalent. I do not know and I am not comfortable with, however there is one that I will call come Monday, he will help me. I will go to him because I have known him for three years and I do not perceive him as a threat to me.
My issue was the emptiness and the anxiety I have towards my mistress' welfare.
As I said in this post, some advice was welcomed.
Harsh-toned advice only caused further angst. If that was the intent of the post, then it was successful.
edit: I would also like to add, that when I post. I usually attempt to provide and introduction as to the cause and how it has affected me and how I am trying to deal with my own healing process. Certain advice at times bring up issues that I have not considered. The replying post is how I think might be the best way I think I should solve the problem. Which results with further advice from another source that offers additional possibilities. The result is my own confusion as I do the best that I can to understand the advice being given. Which is why, many times I have offered to discuss such things privately, but it is rare that anyone chooses to take me up on my offer. Finding that the some would much rather post in a public forum rather than discuss privately. Eventually it results in me having to post my own skeletons which is sometimes what I perceive others want me to do. Share my anger and share my pain and then reply stating that I am whining. Apologies for having it conveyed as such, I will try to be more callous in the future.
< Message edited by Aszhrae -- 1/1/2009 10:28:46 PM >
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To my own self, I be true.
Goddess bless and keep you and yours safe
Ricah-Azzh
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RE: Deeply Troubled - 
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