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RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 5:37:49 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		In the last two months, I have had two submissive males try to get to know me, that seemed to want a bit more.  It wasn't clear in the beginning what their situation was, but as we talked I either put things together or was told enough to know what the deal was.  Now, I don't blame them for seeking out survival.  I have done it before and I don't blame anyone for protecting themself.  But the economic times are hitting too close to home and is effecting the home front.  Both through a series of events were living with relatives.  In one situation he was at fault and in the other, a devistating event that many suffered from set the stage for other life events and he couldn't be blamed for what had happened. (I did do background checks to find this out and would do it again in a heartbeat!)  One seemed to look to be rescued and the other looked for a way to sustain himself and wouldn't have minded walking into a better situation.  Both wished to relocate and who could blame them?  We all have relative's and some know they don't always make the best roommates! lol

I am not looking to rescue anyone.  I am willing to help some times.  It depends on the situation and I think those situations are going to increase.  I have been helped in life and most of my life I spent helping others in every day life and as a career.  I have had two relationships where I worked and brought home the bacon so to speak and I supported these men, while they supplimented things with their side jobs, but I was their main job.  They freed my time after work which was demanding and I loved the way we worked things.  It sure made things easy for me.  Now I don't ever suggest, now that I know more about things that we typically think are provisions for us like social security and such and how it all really works, and would never suggest that someone not work at least part time.  If one doesn't, it can really mess their life up when it comes to getting benefits when that time comes.  You must have a certain amount of work hour credits within a certain amount of time.  You don't have it and you will be in trouble if you become ill or disabled at some point.

But my point is... I don't expect these two men to be the last who are willing to relocate or to hook up quickly so that they don't end up homeless.  Everyone wants security. Everyone wants to stay warm and to eat and no one wants to be worried day in and out about what they will do if they are laid off, lose their job and whether there will be a job out there and how they will make it day to day.  I see this as something that is going to happen far more than it has in the past.  Men will find a vulnerablity that women knew back in the day when women were expected to play homemaker and they were dependent upon someone else.  Women were brought up differently and society treated them differently... it will be far harder for a man who has been independent and employed to deal with crisis in this area.

We are going to face a lot in the coming days and although some will continue to do well, other's will not.  So don't be surprised if things start changing in relationships and the financial structure and expectations.  It won't be just that a man may want someone to support him because of any role reversal... but could come from economic crisis.  It may be a time when we learn who is willing to do well in life and who is creating their own problems and know the difference because things are changing fast and what once might have told us what to do in a situation and standards built upon... may not be as usable in the days ahead.

I knew a doctor who had a wonderful career, who became ill and could no longer practice.  With his last dollar he decided to go get a coffee at a coffee shop, knowing he faced homelessness and his last treat to himself was that cup of coffee.  In that coffee shop he met an angel.  A career woman with a heart.  She took him in and took care of him and soon he was able to resource and find some income from what he could do still.  I met him after this.  They had married and lived very happily with her being the major income source... but he wasn't neglegent and he did all he could to create something.  But admitted, if it hadn't have been for her... he would have been one of those guys eating out of garbage cans.  A doctor... not some lazy bum.  She saw a diamond and he was... he was just covered in a bit of muck that most wouldn't have seen through.  To this day, they are both glad he went for that last cup of coffee and I have never met anyone more devoted to one another than this couple.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to Voodali)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 7:58:03 AM   
Steponme73


Posts: 552
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline 		What if you are financially stable but unstable otherwise?  Where does that put you?  I have never seen someone post " I want a deadbeat, who can't support himself and wants to lie around the house all day long."

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 8:08:45 AM   
DeepSouth


Posts: 11
Joined: 1/21/2009
Status: offline 		No one would want someone who could not or would not support themselves. It just seems that some want more than just that. Does "spoiling" and "pampering" your Domme include paying the bills?  I understand some people believe success = money. I consider my life somewhat successful but I am far from rich. I am able to economically sustain myself and I live comfortably but I am not wealthy. If someone wants to relocate it almost seems like they are either not too happy with life or having a hard time making it. Does this seem true? I am asking because with my limited experience I really don't know.  If I ever wanted to relocate to serve a Domme I would not want someone to think I was looking for financial support. Do Dommes check out subs before they relocate? I guess getting a credit and background check would not be too hard. Is this commonly done? If I were a Domme and some guy wanted to relocate to me I would definitely do this. I have learned alot from this message board. You really can tell alot about a person by what they are posting. Thank you very much to all who have shared with me their experience and wisdom.

(in reply to Steponme73)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 8:15:46 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subtex

I was thinking about bringing up a similar topic.  I was recently laid off and I was thinking the way the unemployment rate is going this could become a more common topic.  Personally I decided to not consider myself part of the dating pool until my future is a little more certain.  Some of my fellow workers who were laid off are open to moving if they find a job elsewhere.  I haven't ruled that out.  That's something else to consider. 

Life sometimes has a screwed up sense of humor doesn't it?  From time to time I receive an email from a Domme but they have always been far away.  After I got laid off I received an email from a Domme on another site who lives just a couple miles from me.  I checked her profile on the off chance it might say she was looking for someone without a job.    The profile said "gainfully employed" but it also said she was interested in meeting friends.  I emailed her back and it's friends for now so maybe that's a good way to handle this.  Friends first is a good idea anyway so maybe while in limbo it's good.

Still, I'm not comfortable anwering an ad while being financially unstable but I rarely answer ads anyway.  How would you feel about a friendly email from someone in financial limbo? 

Bill



I think this is very wise of you, Bill.

Not a real financial consideration but part of the reasons I'm not open to adding anyone to our household right now is the fact that until I find that tenure track position I will be on the job market. Which means i can't say if we'll be here or elsewhere come summer. Since I believe that solid Ds and M/s dynamic are created purposely and slowly, I do not believe it would be fair to anyone to start down that path when I might or might not be moving.

Once we have moved (whenever that is -- not uncommon for academics to need 3+ years to find that job) and settled down then we'll be open to adding more people because we want to and will be stable enough to do so.


_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to subtex)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 8:28:40 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DeepSouth

No one would want someone who could not or would not support themselves. It just seems that some want more than just that. Does "spoiling" and "pampering" your Domme include paying the bills?  I understand some people believe success = money. I consider my life somewhat successful but I am far from rich. I am able to economically sustain myself and I live comfortably but I am not wealthy. If someone wants to relocate it almost seems like they are either not too happy with life or having a hard time making it. Does this seem true? I am asking because with my limited experience I really don't know.  If I ever wanted to relocate to serve a Domme I would not want someone to think I was looking for financial support. Do Dommes check out subs before they relocate? I guess getting a credit and background check would not be too hard. Is this commonly done? If I were a Domme and some guy wanted to relocate to me I would definitely do this. I have learned alot from this message board. You really can tell alot about a person by what they are posting. Thank you very much to all who have shared with me their experience and wisdom.


I say that I am a high maintenance person because I require that terribly labour intensive thing--ATTENTION!  Yes, I expect my man to spoil and pamper me.  We have to sit and watch movies together, or play cards, or read the newspaper on Sunday and share stories.  We have to go for walks together.   He has to know how hot I like my bathwater, and rub lotion on me afterwards.  Do any of those things require an enormous income?  They are the things that matter the most to me, and I suspect to many of us---we want personal service and devotion, and emotional and mental connection.  

As to relocating...  well, I live in Detroit!  Michigan is a lovely state, but only a few professions are hiring here.  I would move, if I could work elsewhere.  Americas have always been mobile, why not be open to a possibility? 

I've met a lot of men in my years in the scene, and I have yet to encounter anyone who wanted to be a freeloader.  Maybe that says something about who I associate with, I'm not sure.  Maybe some of them would have turned into deadbeats after we hooked up! 

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to DeepSouth)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 9:24:20 AM   
Wickad


Posts: 428
Joined: 3/12/2005
Status: offline 		(fast reply)

Greetings,

As many have already said, ... I equate financially stable with overall stability. Possibly this is a bit short sighted and I will have to think on this a bit more.

That all being said, the idea of relocating is a bit of a touchy subject. On one hand, it makes sense to move to be with someone you are committed to spending your life with, however, how do you know the person you've been chatting with online is that person. Until you have day to day interaction with someone, you really don't know them and know if you want to enter into a relationship with them. For this reason I tend to seek locally. However, if someone chose to move to my location to pursue a relationship with me and that move was a positive step in his life irregardless of my involvement, then I might consider that. If he were just moving so he could be with me, I would consider that unstable and a bit pushy. It would feel like he was pressuring me to accept him because of his 'sacrifice' of moving near to me. I would find this attitude a huge turn off.

Of course, being that I'm living in Saskatchewan, CA, one of the few areas slated for growth in North America in 2009, moving here for one's own reasons is a very definite possibility.

Wickad

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 9:26:33 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I don't equate financial stability with anything but really good pay!  And possibly, cheapness!    You can be loaded and still be a nutjob, unfortunately.  Actually, having money tends to enable being bonkers, or being an addict...

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to Wickad)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 11:02:12 AM   
lobodomslavery


Posts: 2477
Joined: 1/17/2008
Status: offline 		Sub beware is what I would say. Stay clear of the money dommes unless your fetish is to be milked dry and very few of us want to live in poverty. Who would i go for if i was wanting to submit? To me Lockit seems the best bet. She has a good understanding of people, life, and unlike a fair proportion of Dommes, She is not interested in MONEY.
kevin

(in reply to DeepSouth)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 11:07:15 AM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
*Run Lockit! Runn!*


_____________________________

HBIC



(in reply to lobodomslavery)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 11:08:01 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		*adores Lynn*

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 12:25:25 PM   
lobodomslavery


Posts: 2477
Joined: 1/17/2008
Status: offline 		i said if  i was wanting to submit. as everyone i think knows by now, i am not seeking anything except conversation, thats me chatty kevin
kevin

(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 1:09:17 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Social Security can be ripped out from under you at a moments notice, it's not totally reliable, it has strings and conditions attached to it, and yes I know what I am talking about, because I am on SSI and have been for quite a while.\

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantDamsel

I'm not particularly interested in a finanically successful submissive or slave. I prefer that he or she is not employed more than part time or that there are some kind of dependable earnings like social security, etc. I have plenty of duties for my charge to attend to and a full time job would cut into their duty time. I do, however, appreciate if he or she has at least an apartment and a car and a way of paying for these two.

I also prefer a positive, upbeat, pleasant individual who is service oriented and is prepared to get to know one another over a rather long period of time. Living locally or the ability to relocate locally is a must.

(in reply to DominantDamsel)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 1:21:45 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Just a quick point.
People who are unemployed in England can be more financially stable than people who have a job. Stable not well off there is a difference.
I'll admit to having expensive tastes when I can afford them but if I can't then I temper them.
As I dominate in everyway then I will control his finances so that he can afford to pay his way and maybe even for me as well.
Everyones circumstances are different and sometimes not of their own making.
Did I ask to get the sack for my profile on CM?

(in reply to lobodomslavery)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 1:26:52 PM   
hardbodysub


Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Seeing anyone on either side of the kneel using 'financially stable' as one of their search criteria shouldn't surprise anyone. 


That wouldn't phase me one bit. Stability isn't an overly restrictive requirement; it's more of a basic necessity.

However, when I find profiles with a financial stipulation, they don't typically say "financially stable". Instead, they tend to say something like "financially secure", "successful", or "financially independent". This kind of wording seems to imply more than just stability. It reads more like they're looking for someone to take care of them financially. Sometimes they allude to the same thing by emphasizing how much they want to be "spoiled" and "pampered" or lavished with gifts.

In the same light, I realize that "spoiling" and "pampering" isn't necessarily financial, but that's what it often appears to mean in profiles.



(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 1:31:30 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		All I expect is someone that behaves like an adult and takes care of their adult responsibilities. I don't need, nor can I afford, a 24/7 maid. If I did, I would hire one.

There is also no guarantees I will want them living in my house. They are going to have to support themself in some manner.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to hardbodysub)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 1:50:32 PM   
lobodomslavery


Posts: 2477
Joined: 1/17/2008
Status: offline 		Each to their own but the lot of the unemployed is not a particularly pleasing one , that i will say, i should know ive been there. in short its desperately hard to keep your own head above water on benefit never mind an additional person as well. So are people who have steady jobs worse off. not in my opinion. do i think people even with unreliable income are better off than the unemployed. yes because when the income when it comes is more substantial.  Like when you think about it who gets only $80 weekly not many , if you add it up, the employed get more and an employed person for a Domme is better
But nothing is set in stone, each to their own
kevin

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 2:08:06 PM   
hereyesruponyou


Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline 		Ok so i am weak. I would LOVE to find a sub who is financially able to allow me to only do whatever i want when i want. And i would promise that occaisionally that might even include taking his needs into consideration!

Let's get real. The idea that anyone can afford to keep a stable just because in this day and age is pretty unlikely. Being financially stable is just one part of what is needed by both parties in order to have a chance at a really successful relationship, imo

_____________________________

Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be


(in reply to lobodomslavery)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 2:16:05 PM   
hardbodysub


Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		I'm pretty much with hereyesruponyou. Either both parties need to be "financially responsible" for themselves, or one of them needs to be so financially well-off that they can subsidize the other.

The following just came to mind as I started writing this post. For the sake of clarity, I think "financially responsible" might be the best term to use when referring to the person's ability and inclination to take care of themselves financially. "Financially stable" comes close, but always broke is stable in a sense. Remember Saturday Night Live's news report on the condition of Generalissimo Francisco Franco years ago? The daily reports on his condition had become ubiquitous, as he lingered on death's door, seemingly endlessly. Well after he finally passed away, SNL did a news flash, reporting his condition as "stable".

< Message edited by hardbodysub -- 1/30/2009 2:26:26 PM >

(in reply to hereyesruponyou)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 2:52:40 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I had a submissive that was very wealthy once. She could not understand why it was so difficult for me to just take off on trips with her.

At one point she finally said something like "Look LeeAnn, I have more money than I know what to do with, let me take care of that."

I said fine, but you will have to guarantee me a nice fat retirement fund to replace the years I will have worked and lost by not, and the money I was saving. She had not thought of that but then "Fine, I will......."

I was literally planning on moving to France to be with her. Unfortunately she died. But in retrospect I still am not sure how that would have affected our dynamic. Her money was very closely tied with her public persona, which was very important to her. I have wondered if it would have ruined her ability to seperate that public "her", with the woman I knew, the woman that submitted to me.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to hardbodysub)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 1/30/2009 3:09:11 PM   
Sylverdawn


Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtex

I was thinking about bringing up a similar topic.  I was recently laid off and I was thinking the way the unemployment rate is going this could become a more common topic.  Personally I decided to not consider myself part of the dating pool until my future is a little more certain.  Some of my fellow workers who were laid off are open to moving if they find a job elsewhere.  I haven't ruled that out.  That's something else to consider. 

Life sometimes has a screwed up sense of humor doesn't it?  From time to time I receive an email from a Domme but they have always been far away.  After I got laid off I received an email from a Domme on another site who lives just a couple miles from me.  I checked her profile on the off chance it might say she was looking for someone without a job.    The profile said "gainfully employed" but it also said she was interested in meeting friends.  I emailed her back and it's friends for now so maybe that's a good way to handle this.  Friends first is a good idea anyway so maybe while in limbo it's good.

Still, I'm not comfortable anwering an ad while being financially unstable but I rarely answer ads anyway.  How would you feel about a friendly email from someone in financial limbo? 

Bill



I think that if you have been gainfully employed.. are attempting to be re employed... have been able to maintain employment for a significant amount of time.. I think what most women are saying is please be without excess amounts of baggage... I dont think a Male Dominant wants a girl who is 100,000 in debt, living on welfare with her kids and has mental health issues.. I would welcome a friendly email from anyone  would I want to be in a relationship in which its my job to deal with said issues ... Im sorry but thanks but no thanks .. Im willing to listen but I wont be taken for a sucker...

I would absolutely be open to helping someone who was willing to help themselves...


quote:

I knew a doctor who had a wonderful career, who became ill and could no longer practice.  With his last dollar he decided to go get a coffee at a coffee shop, knowing he faced homelessness and his last treat to himself was that cup of coffee.  In that coffee shop he met an angel.  A career woman with a heart.  She took him in and took care of him and soon he was able to resource and find some income from what he could do still.  I met him after this.  They had married and lived very happily with her being the major income source... but he wasn't neglegent and he did all he could to create something.  But admitted, if it hadn't have been for her... he would have been one of those guys eating out of garbage cans.  A doctor... not some lazy bum.  She saw a diamond and he was... he was just covered in a bit of muck that most wouldn't have seen through.  To this day, they are both glad he went for that last cup of coffee and I have never met anyone more devoted to one another than this couple


I think there is a difference btwn giving a hand up rather than a hand out.. and in this case the addage it was a case of it being more blessed to give than to recieve

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 80
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