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RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/7/2006 9:56:01 PM

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To me (and this is not an expert opinion) your wife is actiong like a damaged child ....when you foster a child who has been abused they can later down the track start acting out to test your love pushing and pushing so when the worse happens their self concept is not challenged "Noboy wants me" etc ....
This can be a sign that your love and guidelines are creating a stable place for her ...that in itself may be freaking her out ...
I would think about finding a kink friendly marrige couseller...

(in reply to perverseangelic)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/7/2006 10:04:48 PM

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quote:

Agh! This is a pet peeve of mine. Fluctuating between 2 extreemly different opinions or even states of mind is -not- the definition of "bipolar" and while it may be a symptom of the illness, this statement isn't using it correctly.

Then I would suggest you check another dictionary, because having and/or exhibiting two diametrically opposing behaviors is a classic definition of bipolar, and my statement was a reflection of that definition.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to perverseangelic)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/7/2006 10:32:43 PM

Troubleinparadis

Posts: 55
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From: Tulsa, Ok
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Thank you all for your replies, I have read them and they all were good, causing me to look at this situation through others eyes...

I will re-read them and respond tommorow.

(in reply to Evanesce)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 1:28:34 AM

KittenWithaTwist

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Joined: 8/3/2005
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I'm curious as to if you love her or if you love her submission. I know that my partner and I have considered going nilla, permanently and that that decision would not keep us from loving each other less or forcing us to leave one another.

Anyway, it sounds, to me, like she's unsure about how you'll be able to accomplish her wishes. She's obviously used to submitting out of fear, so I can definitely understand her desire to end that cycle. However, she doesn't want to lose you, and will do what she dislikes doing (submitting out of fear) to keep you.

Essentially, I think you should show her that she doesn't need to submit for you to love her. Obviously it frustrates her and hurts her to submit. If you love her and want to be with her, regardless of her submissive nature, then she needs to know that you support her desire to be non-submissive. If you can't support that non-submission, you need to leave, period, and not turn back to her when she submits out of fear of losing you.

_____________________________

"Time travel: It's a cornocopia of disturbing concepts." ~Ron Stoppable

(in reply to Troubleinparadis)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 1:41:39 AM

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Being collared and married hardly gives you the right to act however you please without consequences. Some people think that because they are collared (and the same goes for married), the other person has committed to sticking around and taking their shit forever. That's not how it works. If she has changed the terms of the relationship, the fact that she's collared doesn't mean that HE'S bound to HER. (Of course, we're only hearing one side of the story, but it sounds as though all the bullshit is coming from her end, not his.) Maybe they went into the relationship too fast? There are clearly several sides of this woman that the OP never knew about (or never consciously recognized).

I've learned that people tend to stay in dead-end relationships too long. In fact, many people stay in dead-end relationships their whole lives. We rush in too fast and get out too slowly. Our society strongly values loyalty and commitment; of course, those are admirable qualities, but they don't always lead you to make the best decisions. The pressure not to abandon a relationship induces many people to stay with partners who are clearly not right for them. And I'd guess that all the stress and drama is going to continue for as long as this relationship lasts.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

quote:

Let her go. She's confused, probably manipulative, and in any case not the girl for you.

I am not sure I agree with this advice. She is collared to him and they are married as well. I hate to think what was intended as a life commitment is so disposable. I get the sense he cares deeply for her and vice versa.

(in reply to Sensualips)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 2:37:47 AM

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From: canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Troubleinparadis

she is at work right now and currently we are in she wants to be nilla and has a list of things a good husband should do....

A list of things a "good husband" should do??

now wait a minute, i ain't married (engaged to Kitten, but still gonna be awhile :( ) but what the hell does a "good husband" do?

my parents have been married for 25 years now, they have had fights, that could be heard across the neighbourhood, there has been blood shed, tears, anger, and now... alot of medication... and 25 years later, they still love each other.
but my Father never followed a "good husband" list.
He simply stayed himself, was himself, and followed his own heart.
there is no magical "good husband" formula, with or without Kink added into it.
she married you for YOU, don't let her change that, never think that you have to follow a set guidline to be happy,
YOU are more important to YOU, than she is, i am sure you love her, i love my Kitten with all my Heart, but heck if a simple list is gonna make me a better person.

....

lol, 4 in the morning, and i think i am rambling...
anyway, that's my two sense,
*nods*

_____________________________

"Better that I devote myself to studying the Other great mystery of the universe; women!"
Doc. Emit Brown

(in reply to Troubleinparadis)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 3:21:00 AM

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My guess is that she's acting like this cause something she wants isnt happening. It could be simply one core thing that is a "has been in the rules all along" that she thought she could work with but she has hit a spot where for some reason she no long can. Either she's tried to say it and the communication didnt go through or she's afraid to say it, hence the acting up. I would also guess that some outside influence is fully aware of what the problem is and is feeding the foot stomping. (possibly the sister?) ~ She's confided in someone ~ Nothing worth having is easy, and some consessions might have to be made, but first finding out the root of the cause is your biggest hurdle.
Good Luck
Q

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to CmotDribbler)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 5:03:01 AM

MysticalPhoenix

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From: Kelloggsville, Vanilla County MI
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Definitely sounds like trouble in paradise...

There are a number of different things that people already mentioned which could be causing the symptoms that are driving you crazy. One that hasn't been mentioned is: outside influences.

Is there someone in her life (or not in her life as in the case of tv shows or magazines, etc.) who is whispering in her ear that she should want something different, that submission is abuse, that if he really loved you he'd have a vanilla marriage with you, etc.?

I would also second all of the advice regarding counseling. It sounds like you took in someone who was very badly damaged and tried to fix her with a healthy D/s relationship. This is a good intention, but not only can it lead to co-dependence, it can also mask the symptoms of the underlying problems resulting from her prior damage, and even lead to further damage.

You are not her therapist. You are not responsible for healing or fixing her. Nor can (even within a D/s relationship) you force her to go and to cooperate with a therapist. You can, however, make her not getting therapy a deal-breaker for you.

Good luck,

Phoenix

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Every one sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are.

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RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 5:15:48 AM

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quote:

she was a "doormat" personality when she came to Me. I have helped her grow and accept herself and put a lot (most) of her baggage behind her. She can easily carry the rest....

quote:

I could not continue the chain of abuse that brought her to Me. I had rather expected her to countinue to want to submit because of her love for Me, but it seems with out the overwhelming fear of failure, and guilt issues spuring her....she is unable or unwilling.

Well to me she sounds just like a woman who has been abused previously and as you say she has then it sounds like the symptoms are related to that.............. when you are in an abusive relationship you do many things you dont want to for fear of recrimination ... and im guessing here that although you do what you do because you love her she is getting feelings of being back with her abuser.

as you have been together 6 years i have the feeling that although you have worked past some issues the issues of abuse are often long lived and may in fact never truly go away but she does have to deal with them....... it sounds that although she submitted to you and was happy with it she now needs some time out from what she is now feeling to be a domineering abusive relationship (which is what she actually escaped from in the first place as she didnt want to be with someone that abused her) ........ although she was happy to begin with ......... us women can be strange creatures at times ............. try giving her some time out ......... try going back for a while to a vanilla relationship where you show her love affection cuddles and no orders or expectations ........ and allow her to trust you again and realise that you are not abusing but a loving caring husband who wants her to be happy ..............i feel she is having a crisis where she is feeling stifled, she certainly doesnt sound bipolar she sounds pretty normal but confused about what she wants.............and confused is not a good place to be when she is supposed to be loyal and serving............... get her some counselling for the abuse if shes willing and talk, talk, talk, with her too ............ my bet is she was a doormat once and shes feeling like one again (not necessarily so but the mind can play nasty tricks at times) ............... give her time, emotional support, cuddles kisses and love ............. and my bet is when she gets her head round that you love her and will do anything for her she will again want to submit although maybe not as deeply as before (and you may need to compromise) ................... it may take some time but definitely looks to me like she very obviously still has doormat issues that she needs to sort out ............ there is always the chance that the doormat issues will change your relationship, but maybe for the better or maybe you will have to accept that it isnt what she wants any more as she has found an inner strength that wants to rebel ......... the key issue here is communication and you trying to see beyond her being your slave and look at her as a confused woman that needs to redefine what she wants from her life ............. good luck

collie xx

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(in reply to Troubleinparadis)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 5:52:53 AM

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quote:

Being collared and married hardly gives you the right to act however you please without consequences.

When did I suggest that? I believe I specifically talked about clear expectations and consequences.

To me, a commitment on that scale means that both of us made a choice to work through struggles until one or both make a new choice. The OP didn't ask how to end the relationship or even IF he should end it.

I would agree that people often stay too long in relationships. Often encouraging someone to get out, this person is not right for you is simply the easiest and quickest advice to give. In this case, given my limited impression from the post, it is not the advice I would give at this time.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 7:17:48 AM

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After six years she has become slave dependent on you. There is a great amount of fear an apprehension over any thoughts of separation. Frankly I doubt she would be able to cope independent of you at this stage.
I don’t see separation as viable option; if you care for her at all, which obviously you do.

If you decide that the only way for you to live a satisfied life is by maintaining an m/s relationship, then you need to not waffle on ground rules that you’ve set.
Be very careful with where you draw the line in the sand. And once you do, you have to enforce the rules. Modifying behavior is done either by rewards or punishments. Rewards in my opinion are more effective; however there are times when the alternative is necessary and appropriate. One person’s punishment is another’s reward. Having been with her for six years you should know by now what works. She did respond when you simply turned of the vehicle and walked away.

I would caution you however at this point as another person did in an earlier post, not to react in any way that she could involve an outside agency. Cutting her hair at this point could lead to repercussions, dependent on her reaction that exasperates your situation. An alternative would be to have her do it herself? (Is this punishment to her and does it fit the infraction) That’s your choice to make very carefully. I don't think so myself and I think this is one of those edicts that you made without clearly thinking it through.

Think ahead, don’t say anything that you won’t or cannot enforce. Determine what truly a reward is and what truly a punishment to her is. Stay strong and consistent
Good luck

Sartoris

_____________________________

Oh, the shark, babe, has such teeth, dear
And it shows them pearly white
Just a jackknife has old MacHeath, babe
And he keeps it … ah … out of sight.

(in reply to Troubleinparadis)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 7:46:21 AM

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You say that she has had abusive relationships. You took her on not because you wanted a strong, self aware woman who wished to submit to you, but because you wanted the doormat she was. Possibly because you enjoy helping people become stronger, you enjoy being the hero rescuing the damsel from the dragon. Now that she is a little stronger you don't like it.

Is she or has she ever been in therapy, group or private, for abuse survivors? If not, why not? Quite honestly, this flipping back and forth seems to match what I've heard from friends who were abused in their family of origin. It takes years of work with a qualified professional, which you aren't and even if you were it would be unethical to practice on her. More importantly, any pre-existing relationship, pre-existing to the therapy work is usually not likely to survive. The only ones I know that do survive is where the spouse is as committed to her growth and healing as she is and is willing to ride out the emotional chaos. Even with this willingness, I've only known it to successful when the abuse therapist also meets regularly with the spouse.

So, is she in therapy with someone who specializes in this area and if so, are you meeting this therapist also? If she was chronically ill and unable to submit due to the complex physical and emotional demands of chronic illness, would you demand she submit anyway or did you mean your vows?

I doubt that it is healthy for her to submit as she is just beginning to heal and it may never be healthy for her to do so. As far as her list of what she needs in a husband, she has as much right to have her needs met. If her needs and yours are not compatible, then you need to talk about how to solve that fact.

The fact that her needs have changed drastically is not uncommon in marriages. You need to decide whether you are more committed to the relationship or to her and she needs to be willing to do a lot of very hard therapeutic work.

Myself, my willingness to go on stops when the other person won't seek professional help or follow the advice given. As long as both people are trying to solve the issue and willing to seek help when it becomes painfully obvious that they cannot solve it themselves.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 9:10:34 AM

perverseangelic

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Evanesce

Then I would suggest you check another dictionary, because having and/or exhibiting two diametrically opposing behaviors is a classic definition of bipolar, and my statement was a reflection of that definition.

I appologize for misreading you.

Most of the time, when someone says "bipolar" they are refering to bipolar disorder. Obviously, in this post (which I should have seen) you are simply saying the individual has bipolar opinions.

Duh. I missread. I appologize.

My sensitivity comes from seeing, in the past year, "bipolar" (in the first sense) become the universal insult/"diagnosis" for individuals who change their mind with any frequency.

I appologize for being overly quick to jump on you.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to Evanesce)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 9:50:48 AM

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I have a very good friend in a close enough situation.
In his case she has multiple personalitys, He knew this years ago when I introduced them. Unfort the last few years she has melded some of her "dom" personalitys with her day-day one and for all intents is no longer a slave nor even submissive, In fact she controls his life and its way frustrating as he does truely love the girl and his words that HE would take care of her the rest of her life he stands behind. This fact is tearing HIM apart.

She manipulates most of their relationship and has for quite some time now.

It is way easy for me to tell him to put her stuff on the poarch and show her the door.
But I am not him, nor am I you.
The FACT that you have a legal bond with her makes things a lot more difficult. You will not and cannot change who and what you are. ( I have myself been there and after a while my true self came back out)For you to become "vanilla" is probably just as hard as it would be for me to do so.
Unfortunately I suggest that you file Divorce papers, get your world in order, allow her to stay in YOUR home under YOUR protection. If the reality of that does not make sence to her then put her on the porch.
As much as it hurts ,She is playing a game with you. She is manipulative and coniving.
She came to you needy and out of the concern and caring YOU took her in, healed her, gave her security ( marrage) and created a relationship where SHE did not have to any longer "Work" at it. She knows the buttons to push and she has been pushing them..
She was pushing those buttons on others in her past, she will continue to do so in the future. DO YOU WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT ???

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to Troubleinparadis)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 9:54:48 AM

Troubleinparadis

Posts: 55
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Tulsa, Ok
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quote:

Frankly my questions to you are:
How devoted to your marriage are you?
What do you believe she would do to herself or others should you leave?
I was able to dismiss my sub as we didn't have legal entanglements, how would you feel about this proposition?
What do you believe that likelyhood is that she's going to the friends house instead of coming home?

Sorry to have so many but as usual in these situations I've got one point of view and not enough info.

1. Well thats tough, I dont belive in divorce for reasons other than "cheating", however this is the first slave I have married but not the first I have owned. I dont take a collar away lightly or end a relationship quickly...never have. That said I feel if the slave is unable or unwilling to submit, then thats thier choice and they have chosen to end things..

So the Master in me says if she dosent want to submit, then thats her choice and she should leave, the other half says yeah well but she is your wife after all....

2. Others nothing, herself she would either throw herself into the first destructive relationship she could find or she would make a "series" of suicide attempts.

3. I have issues with divorce per 1., and really do not want her out of my life, (I want her in my life the way she used to be if that makes sense?)

4. zero, I check her time cards from work, so unless she is very crafty and has her job on her side she is not slipping around. (howver she does have flirt issues which I will talk about further down)

quote:

If You explain how much You want her there, but You won't tolerate threats like that on a vanilla or D/s basis, maybe the next step would be to find out what it is she wants. If You can provide it, then there is a chance, right?

Finding out what she wants is the problem, she rides the fence on this issue and cant seem to make up her mind (or has made up mind to use her threats as a tool to get her way) we went to bed last night with her telling me how she wanted to try again and was sorry for how she acted, we woke up this morning to her wanting to leave again and talking serriously (sounding) about divorce.

The situation that sparked it? a phone call on her way to work via the cell phone.....her, please dont forget to pick up the dog from the vet today Master.....Ok sure np thanks for the reminder...I mumbled something about needing to call them to (was talking to myself)....her, who is "them".....Me, its not important dont worry about it.

long story short, it quickly turned to her WANTING to know who I was calling and demanding to know and if she cant know then she cant suubmit anymore....

My response, you ant submit any less....do what you need to do.....

quote:

Emotional roller coasters are never as much fun as wooden ones, and only you can decide if you want to stay on the ride.

And I hate the wooden ones! emotional ones are just "retarded" to me....whats the point!

quote:

Things can't always go your way that is just how life is.

Really? I havent ever been able to grasp that concept...I more think this is My life and I only get to live it once, I owe it to Myself to make sure I get everything I want, and experiance all I want, because there is no second chance....I dont throw fits when I dont get my way or anything and yes your right I often do not get my way, but that dosent slow me down from trying...or expecting to really....this mind set has been with me as long as I have known my own mind.

quote:

Perhaps she now see's her submission as a weakness, a weakness that left her open to abuse and she's trying to protect herself as best she can. But also she needs you as a stablizer for her. She probably feels caught between two worlds. The world of the independant woman and the one of the on the knees slave. She probably loves you very much and doesn't want to loose you, but she doesn't want to loose her new sense of self either. I would suggest getting counseling for both of you, I think it would help alot and perhaps then you could understand better what she's going thru and she could see what your going thru.

I think you may be right I know she feels like she "was" a worthless piece of shit (her frequent words of self description amongst other things) she dosent feel that way anymore, and some how I have failed to teach her that submission should be an expression of love. (I think, but there is so many things that could be happining zeroing in on the "one" is hard)

quote:

I'm curious as to if you love her or if you love her submission. I know that my partner and I have considered going nilla, permanently and that that decision would not keep us from loving each other less or forcing us to leave one another.

I love her....but I met her, wanted her, had her, collared her, fell in love with her, and married her.....as My slave. I do not do well in nilla relathionships, and have grown to the point I really dont even want to try because I have enough past experiance to know its not going to be right for me and is not going to work.

quote:

Essentially, I think you should show her that she doesn't need to submit for you to love her. Obviously it frustrates her and hurts her to submit. If you love her and want to be with her, regardless of her submissive nature, then she needs to know that you support her desire to be non-submissive. If you can't support that non-submission, you need to leave, period, and not turn back to her when she submits out of fear of losing you.

I dont want to get side tracked in religious debate, but I dont belive it is right to divorce under any circumstance other that her commiting acts of adultury....

quote:

Being collared and married hardly gives you the right to act however you please without consequences. Some people think that because they are collared (and the same goes for married), the other person has committed to sticking around and taking their shit forever. That's not how it works. If she has changed the terms of the relationship, the fact that she's collared doesn't mean that HE'S bound to HER. (Of course, we're only hearing one side of the story, but it sounds as though all the bullshit is coming from her end, not his.) Maybe they went into the relationship too fast? There are clearly several sides of this woman that the OP never knew about (or never consciously recognized).

We met online, and begain an online relationship....during which I latter found out she often lied about doing things I had commanded....I bought her a web cam during this period, one day it broke (right after a session that she did not like)....I latter find out it didnt break she painted the lens black.

we lived together as M/s for about a year prior to our getting married....during this time her submission was at its "peak", so unfortunatly was her fear of me, (really fear of her father as I really am a loving dom (imho).

during this time period there were days when she would make a very very minor mistake that should not even be an issue (liek dropping a glass in the kitchen)....she would instantly start crying and begging me not to beat her, and saying things like I am so worthless, I should just die, and crap like that...My response was to talk her through it, reasure her that everyone makes mistakes, and that I still love her.

slowly over time she has gotten out of that, and her submission has decreased proportionaly...to where we are today.

quote:

A list of things a "good husband" should do??

well she feels like if I treat her as a nilla wife rather than a slave, that I ignore her and dont show enough affection...

She is right, in a twisted sorta way....when I was allowing her to be nilla there would be times when I would go to kiss her, or have sex, or even just hold her at night....and I would be met with a cold shoulder.

I dont take well to not getting what I want, so it became easier to just not try to do anything rather than be "turned down", I am not the type of person to say things like honey can I get a blow job tonight, no ok dear thanks anyway.....not gunna happen

her "list" was really just her asking for affection, but when she wants it not when I do....I see that way to much of a role reversal and again not gunna happen

quote:

My guess is that she's acting like this cause something she wants isnt happening. It could be simply one core thing that is a "has been in the rules all along" that she thought she could work with but she has hit a spot where for some reason she no long can. Either she's tried to say it and the communication didnt go through or she's afraid to say it, hence the acting up. I would also guess that some outside influence is fully aware of what the problem is and is feeding the foot stomping. (possibly the sister?) ~ She's confided in someone ~ Nothing worth having is easy, and some consessions might have to be made, but first finding out the root of the cause is your biggest hurdle.
Good Luck
Q

sister has been against Me, and our relationship, and "the way you let men treat you" since long before I was ever in the picture, and for sure My whole life with my girl, her sister has been a thorn.

quote:

You are not her therapist. You are not responsible for healing or fixing her. Nor can (even within a D/s relationship) you force her to go and to cooperate with a therapist. You can, however, make her not getting therapy a deal-breaker for you.

I know this is good advice, but its not going to happen....she wont go see doctors or therapists, and I dont really trust them anyway...so thanks for the good advice but whatya gunna do.

quote:

To me, a commitment on that scale means that both of us made a choice to work through struggles until one or both make a new choice. The OP didn't ask how to end the relationship or even IF he should end it

Thats because me ending the marriage is not an option, though I could act in ways that push her to that decision (let her ask for the divorce) and that would be ok (well not ok, ok but I hope you see what I mean)....twisted yeah I know, but its the way it is I can not divorce her.

As for taking my collar back I did that well over a year ago....since then though she has made herself chokers that have her slave name on them, and choses to wear them daily....

quote:

You say that she has had abusive relationships. You took her on not because you wanted a strong, self aware woman who wished to submit to you, but because you wanted the doormat she was. Possibly because you enjoy helping people become stronger, you enjoy being the hero rescuing the damsel from the dragon. Now that she is a little stronger you don't like it.

Actually I have been with many submissive or slave type women, she was the first doormat type personality and it really didnt start to surface until after we were living together which was after a full year of online/phone type realationship (which was filled with lies and sneaky actions) I really did not expect her to be a doormat, and was surprised as it started to surface (my "help" for her was a reaction, not a "plan".

A reaction spured mostly beacause I hate drama and bullshit...

sorry for such a long post, and I do appreciate everyones point of view on this issue.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 9:59:48 AM

nonuts4thshoney

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From: Southern California
Status: offline

ok here's my opinion. But first i am not sure if she has been behaving this way for a long time or just recently. So i will assume recently. Many people lash out like that for many reasons. Many reasons that sometimes have little or nothing to do with what it appears to be. Ok here's my example. i'm a total femme girly girl. So that means i do things like this: Wake up, have work on my mind, very stressed about work, have deadlines etc. etc. So then i go downstairs to greet Master and i (just an example) start to make some coffee and Master immediately wants me to serve Her. So i lash out and say " all you ever want it me to do things for you! Can i ever have a nilla day where i am not submitting" Now Master thinks WTF!! And questions my wanting to submit. i still lash out and say a bunch of nonsense to confuse Her even more. Then She insists we talk and then i start to cry because She says She wants to uncollar me if i dont want to live this lifestyle. i freak out and cry even more and start to say how stressed i am at work. So now Master knows that work is driving me crazy and it has absolutely nothing to do with my not wanting to serve Her. Ok LOL! Did this make sense to anyone? Us women CAN act like this. Why? Because were women. Ya know men are from mars women are from venus. So, i should get to the point. The point is that maybe She does want to serve you. Maybe there is something on her mind that is building up and she wont talk about it. Maybe she knows others that live a super lovey dovey nilla life and she feels there's something missing in Your relationship. Maybe emotional support is lacking in the relationship. Us women can fill a mop with tears. i think maybe you should get down to the nitty gritty and find out what really is causing this behaviour. Again this is only my opinion. i could be totally way off here.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 10:04:16 AM

submissivemiss38

Posts: 40
Joined: 1/15/2006
From: Ottawa ,Ontario
Status: offline

a little tenderness and romance is maybe all she needs...............

_____________________________

From Mary in Ottawa..........

(in reply to perverseangelic)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 10:06:22 AM

Troubleinparadis

Posts: 55
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Tulsa, Ok
Status: offline

quote:

As much as it hurts ,She is playing a game with you. She is manipulative and coniving.
She came to you needy and out of the concern and caring YOU took her in, healed her, gave her security ( marrage) and created a relationship where SHE did not have to any longer "Work" at it. She knows the buttons to push and she has been pushing them..
She was pushing those buttons on others in her past, she will continue to do so in the future. DO YOU WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT ???

Yeah I feel that is very close to the situation, and no I CAN NOT live like that/this.

I have quit my job, and sent her to work...for several reasons non of which matter to sister who now has more ammunition "he is just a lazy mean bum"

I wasent going to work 60 hours a week, come home to a dirty house, a slave that is a wife that is a slave that isnt submissive, and dosent want sex, but wants to huggle and cuddle and kiss and touch, but only when she is in the mood....and oh by the way I need another $100 for shopping money....lol yeah right.

So I quit, she goes to work I figure worse case scenerio happens, she will be better off being able to and already having a job when/if she decides to leave
best case scenerio happens, and she gains a little inner strenght.

perhaps not the best way to handle things, but I know she will never leave as long as she is unable to care for herself, and I dont want a prisoner especially one that is not making my life any better.

She has had her job for a very short ammount of time and they allready want to make her a manager, just have to wait until she has been there long enough (and even at that they are fast tracking her) having her study the managment test books and what not so she can go "gold" soon as she has been there long enough.

from talking with other employes this is not company policy and is simply because she is doing so well.

I am prepared to go back to work, (and I piddle with some income making ventures) but I am not going to "carry" her if she is not doing her part...she was ok with this and I fully expect she was ok with this because she also sees it as a way out...

(in reply to Troubleinparadis)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 10:11:59 AM

Troubleinparadis

Posts: 55
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Tulsa, Ok
Status: offline

nonuts4thshoney,

I know there is a nilla guy at work that has been flirting hard with her, I know also that she will not discuss how he flirts or what he says.... knowing her the way I do that means she wont talk about it because there is something she does not want me to know...I dont think she has cheated on me or anything like that, but I am for sure she is tempted.

(in reply to Troubleinparadis)

RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/8/2006 10:16:01 AM

Posts: 193
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline

I remember that at one very bad point in my relationship I treatened to leave him if things didn't start to change the way I wanted them to be. However, the entire time we were fighting it was a bluff. As soon as he agreed and 'showed me the door' so to speak, I was instantly sorry and knew that he knew I was bluffing to try and gain some power. I don't have any specific advice as to what you should or shouldn't do, but I think this might be something that just happens in some D/s relationships. The only thing I can think of for you to do is to sit her down, not as master and slave or anything, but just as husband and wife, and ask her what she needs. Don't let her scream or yell, but listen to what she is saying. You may decide to start incorporating some "vanilla time" like Sensualips said, just to see if that helps. She may need to drop the 24/7 for some time, and just step back to re evalute everything.

hope this helps in some way.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

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