RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla?

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RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/10/2006 11:25:39 AM

MissA

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< Message edited by MissA -- 2/10/2006 11:27:42 AM >

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RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 2/10/2006 11:49:03 AM

MrDiscipline44

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta
Maybe she's passive agressive or needs a damn good spanking!

This is the best damned idea I've read from this forum (incl. myself) Damn, Why didn't I think of and say that? hehehe

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RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 3/2/2006 6:27:47 AM

DiannaVesta

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Troubleinparadis-

Hey I just wanted to check in on you and see how things were doing for you.

I just want to say that you should never lower your standards if that is what you happy. People choose to stay or leave. No one makes the rules until one enters our domain.... still it remains free will.

Drop me a line. I'll check back in on you.

Dianna

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RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 3/3/2006 6:52:33 PM

BearNFirelight

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I think you have a couple issues going on there, not just a simple one. First she seems to be still struggling with her new found confidence, the submission she knows and a few land mines related to her past insecurities and issues. You may have made a lot of progress, but don't fool yourself into thinking her issues are resolved by any means.

Second, if you put all those issues aside, you hvae to be true to yourself. If you can put it all away and be vanilla, then go with what works for you both. If you can't, then your like me and you have to be able to stick to your guns in what you can and can't live with.

I personally released a past slave cause she got caught up with wanting marriage and a vinilla dynamic as the core of our relationship. There were other reasons as well, but for me it was something I stopped dead in it tracks. Not that I don't think there is a place for Marriage, but it has no real place in a Master/slave relationship. Perhaps in D/s, but not M/s. I myself intend to marry my Dominant partner soon, but also seek a slave whom I consider the dynamic of Master/slave far more intense than wedding bands could portray. The very nature of gives the only guarantee of longivity through dedication, devotion and service....that keeps the other always wishing to remain, not feeling bound to remain by vanilla values. The Master/slave is one of complete devotion, not a commitment that is ridden on till legal action stops it. Marriage in my opinion cheapens it and allows for both Master and slave to be able to stop working so hard to keep things working as they should. Even in my relationship with my Dominant partner, we both know that letting the marriage slide back to vanilla values would be the end of our relationship. Even as two Dominants there is still a hiarchy in which I am the top Dom....a Daddy/daughter dynamic that drives the underlying relationship. That keeps our lifestyle in place in the absense of a slave(s).

Bottom line is though that you have to be true to yourself. You are the only person you can't lie to. ...and if you can't live a vanilla marriage, then don't let yourself go there. It will blow up in your face sooner or later.

I may have rambled on a bit with this subject, but it is one near and dear to my heart right now with someone I am considering and my Dominant partner.

Hang in there. There's no easy answer between the two issues.

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RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 3/3/2006 7:50:54 PM

HoosierScorpio

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I have heard and talked with allot all over the country in the lifestyle and you situation is not uncommon. They seek the lifestyle because of the abusive past and they feel they are worthless and they seek the lifestyle because that is all they know. I want to say you did your job well for you gave her the strength to discover who she is in side. The question you must ask yourself how much you love her to walk away from the lifestyle. I know one couple who they started out in a Master and slave relationship because of her abusive past. Then over time the roles switch he became her slave and she the Mistress for he showed her inner strength. He loved her so much that he was willing to give up hi control and give it her. They never been happier and they are still together to this day. The one thing is that she may want to walk away now but in the long run the hunger will grow and she will come back to the lifestyle. I want to say you did a great job with her and now she has grow beyond her original programming and the question is how much do you love her to not let her go. We can give you all the advice we can on this forum the bottom line it comes down to you must make this choice yourself and be happy with it.

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RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 3/3/2006 8:29:50 PM

theRose4U

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quote:

(havent ever even had a "girl friend" really, I had submissives before I knew what the term ment.

Just had a thought here. How do you think she would react to you proposing taking a sub. Basically an ultimatum...I NEED a sub if you don't want to be that great (but ALL COLLARS MUST GO!!) and tell her you're going to find one to fill your collar. This nonsense about her making her own collars...find those things and make them GONE!!! She obviously hasn't been worthy of it for some time...WHY you would allow her to continue the cherade is beyond me.

< Message edited by theRose4U -- 3/3/2006 8:30:42 PM >

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RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 3/4/2006 2:26:20 AM

TheFamily

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I don't have time to read all the replies but may have something to offer having seen this several times before:
There is a delay before a person reacts to abuse. Generally, their self-protection layer stays firmly in place until they are absolultely sure they are secure. Then they break down.
This is the time she needs you most and you may need help to deal with it which is not just text.

Heres a surprising story of an abused woman:
A recent slave of mine came from several dangerously abusive relationships. A string of partners beat her nearly to death. They had all had children with her. When I met her she was pregnant with three children. They share looking after the children. I met the men. They were in normal happy relationships with completely un-scarred women. After a while with the slave I realised that I was being emotionally strung out. Little by little she was turning me into an angry person. I had a short outburst: Completely out of character. Her reaction was like a child playing tantrum. It didn't take long to realise that this slave who I had thought a terrible victim of men who were inhuman, was actually the problem. She could easily have ended up dead, with her partner(s) in prison. A determined "victim" is a dangerous partner.

The simplest course of action is to try the "women like a man to be a man" thing and separate the Master/slave thing from controling the relationship. She probably _really_ needs to be controlled. Take control of arguments and rationalise them. Don't walk away: Deal with her.

But text to text help is generally little use here.
best wishes

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RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 3/4/2006 3:21:35 AM

brightspot

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I have read almost all of this thread and it has sounded for a while like "One Life To Live" or maybe "Another World". Anyway someone who Loves Drama and Loves to write about it.
Maybe I'm wrong but looks to me like a lot of you have gotten sucked into an unending Vortex!

Break the Spell!

*Brightspot

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RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 3/4/2006 3:34:15 AM

PenelopePitstop

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Apologies if I am repeating what anyone else has said in this thread but my concentration isn't that brilliant today.

here we have a situation where one person is no longer happy with 'who they once were' (classic problem with traumatised personalities) that is, 'her', and the other person is constant to their personality having dealt with any issues as they came up successfully (you).

What the hell went wrong with your communication, guys? Not so much about attempting to communicate because it is obvious from your posts troubleinparadise that you have tried a great deal, more about 'how' you communicate, you have lost track of each other's personal language.

This has happened with me and my recent ex, well we were the opposite side of the coin, I am heading from nilla into submissive - we have had some terrible terrible arguments just like you have described, where I have asked him, what do you want and he hasn't been able to answer, and to a certain extent I haven't been able to answer the same question. Because we are together all the time there we have been feeding off the tense atmosphere that surrounds us, the problems we have had are ever present whilst we are under the same roof (which we will be until august due to financial/business committments).

Sorry to keep going on about me, but there is a lot in your initial post that i recognise. For example, I have openly been chatting with other men, and the more I do this, the more I change as a person and the further away from my ex I drift. Yet, there are times when I don't want anyone else and it's not something I can explain. I don't think she is going to head off and leave you in the lurch with this nilla guy, but as a traumatised person, she is going to be very easily influenced by his personality and the 'newness' it represents. Perhaps if she could articulate what it is about vanilla life it is that appeals you might find it is something that could be creatively incorporated into your relationship without you having to sacrifice what you need, you won't know until you've talked about it.

i think this situation runs the risk of destroying you both with its intensity. I do truly believe there is something there that you can save, but you have reached an impasse. Would it at all be possible to have a trial separation, just to give you both the chance to reset the dials, so to speak? Feelings and desires seem to become so much clearer when you are not faced with them everyday.

In terms of communication, at the very least, I'm pretty sure what you both know what you don't want, so maybe that would be a starting point for working out what's going on. It's tricky to broach this subject without getting angry and resentful, I know, but it is key.

Best wishes to you both.

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RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 3/6/2006 6:49:56 PM

psykocloud

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I don't know but, is it just mee? The way Im seeing it is that she may be using this as an excuss, or just trying your patience. Just my thoughts anyway!!

psyko

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RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 3/8/2006 8:07:36 PM

taurus111

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Hey you guys are just reading too much into this. Let us cut the Bullshit. BDSM is just another excuse to make FUCKING more interesting. So if the wife is switching the role, enjoy it and have fun. Peace!

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RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 3/12/2006 1:43:14 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Petruchio

FullFig has a point there.

Another view is that you may have helped her grow up. You may have been even a father figure to her at one time. Now she may feel she doesn't need a father anymore.

I've been there and made the same mistakes. I don't know any other way.

I'm sorry, but she doesn't even remotely sound grown-up, and I don't mean that to be rude.

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RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 3/12/2006 4:22:13 PM

LindaLashes

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Tantrums? Is this a grown woman or a teenager stuck in a womans body???

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RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? - 3/12/2006 6:08:57 PM

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I just looked at TiP's profile, seems his lady is looking to now switch, and he's looking for another submissive to bring in.....holy poly, Batman!

Seriously, he seems like a good enough guy, I hope it works out for him.

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