CynthiaWVirginia
Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline
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@needlesandpins
I admit that my strapon comment might even be more...sadistically amusing if taken in the context it was meant to be. See...bo said he's looking for a Master who is exactly like me; that if he could sew a dick on me he'd be perfectly happy to remain my property till death do us part.
@Hillwilliam
I admit that if I hadn't had cancer four times, and almost died several other times, I wouldn't be as understanding as I'm trying to be. I've been in his shoes and know how scared to death he is. We just...handled things differently. I decided to enjoy everything I am blessed with to the fullest (home and family). bo has a bucket list that must be filled yesterday, so to speak, and being in my collar might prevent him from getting his heart's desire and...to help heal the huge empty place inside of him.
I admit that part of my job as his owner these past three and a half years has been to help him heal. This is just another step in his healing and though I hate how it affects ME, and yes, I wish he had felt less desperate and that he had trusted me to launch him into the male gay community (wherever it's hiding in the tri state area, I would have hunted them down and made sure he had friends). Since he's found out that he had the gay beaten out of him at 11, was unconscious for a week and it was two weeks before he could go back to school again, other memories are gradually coming out that he needs help dealing with. I'm able to take him down to a calm, submissive state (I know, I'm likening myself to the Dog Whisperer), but even then I know he needs more and have told him I want him to go to his group counselor and ask her if she will have private sessions with him to help him process what happened when his family suddenly knew beyond any doubt that he was gay and had a boyfriend. I'm waiting to see if his insurance will pay for additional visits and if his co-pay will be affordable.
I admit I spent a year of hell, several years before I met bo, taking care of a friend who was dying from cancer. It was the longest year of my life and made me question myself, my honor, and second guess everything to see if I was doing the very best by her that I could. It took me more than a year afterward just to come up for air from the deep depression I was in, and even longer to deal with all my new (panic disorder) triggers. She was just my friend and next door neighbor...not my mother. bo's mother has been dying and her dementia is getting much worse; he's going to be lost without her when he's been planning his entire life around her needs. I don't envy him the job he's doing, and as a friend I have to help him recover from...doing the right thing by her so he won't be ashamed when he looks in a mirror. He's in a sh*t storm right now and is doing whatever it is he has to do to survive it.
I admit I am thankful to all of you for not kicking me in the teeth for being a whiny little Domme who couldn't even manage to maintain control over her own slave.
I admit that part of this problem might have been a lack of leadership on my part, that I was too worried about all he was going through and I let him get away with so much that...he needed to feel someone else's strength of ownership.
@DesFIP
Thank you.
I admit that...I'm trying to do aftercare on myself. There are several friends who let me vent when I've let myself be pushed into some very bad drop. I've finally stopped my daily intake of chocolate, am giving myself a lot more sleep, am forcing some relief on my negative brain chemistry by watching comedies and some cartoons on Netflix called Archer and Family Guy. I see to it that I spend some time each day laughing.
I admit that bo is not as...um...reasonable as I am. He is ruled by his emotions and when overwhelmed by them he is capable of going from one train wreck directly into the next train wreck. I don't know if he was like this before he got traumatic brain injury. When he's on a mania, he's like Mr. Toad (Wind in the Willows reference), and simply can't stop until it's run it's course. Even as just a friend, I'm going to have to be patient with him, inform him when he's got tunnel vision and about consequences and yeah, when I'm able to...I'll step in to provide some aftercare.
I admit that when I'm overwhelmed by life I tend to shut down, needing some cave time.
I admit that one of our new groups in Charleston, WV, is having a meeting on the 7th. It's like a MAsT meeting (we only have one MAsT group in the entire state of WV and when ours demanded we show ID and submit to being checked out over the internet, I said no and left). Anyway, three other people an hour farther away, in Huntington, don't have a ride to C.h.a.a.s.e. so I'm going to be selfish (I want their company) and will spend an extra four hours making two round trips that day, picking them up, taking them to the meeting, and then taking them back home. bo will be bored stupid sitting in the minivan for a total of six hours that day, keeping me company just because I want to go to the meetup. 
I admit that my son is watching Archer on the tv set in the other room and...I'm laughing from hearing another Archer-ism. Yesterday after one of our phone calls I fell into a deep pit but I whined to a friend, watched some Star Trek and Archer and then slept it off. I hate how...I allow my buttons to be pushed sometimes. (Okay, I might be watching Vulcans and Data a little too much on Star Trek, but...dang, wouldn't it be excellent to have a Data-like off switch/button on our emotions chip? *grins*)
< Message edited by CynthiaWVirginia -- 2/1/2015 11:02:22 AM >
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RE: I Admit It I........ - 
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Griz would climb on my chest for some hugs...and (anybody else here watch NCIS?)...it was like hugging Abby's stuffed toy hippo. 
it seemed like a good idea. (I restrained myself.) 
Yes, all the neighbors heard me. 
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