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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 7:49:51 AM

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I agree with the gist of some of the reasons behind the answers in the thread, with one big exception. Every place that the word "need" has been used, replace it with the word "want". People cheat when one want (sex or involvement with another person) overrides their desire to be honest with the person they are involved with. In other words, one want becomes more important than the other.

What changes the priorities of the wants? There's a lot of reasons for that. They run the spectrum from somebody just wanted to get laid because it feels good, to being lonely (yes, people can be lonely in a relationship if it's not rewarding), to their partner isn't capable of having sex, to darn near anything else you can think of.

This is one of those times on the message boards that we just can't answer the question. Only the person who did the cheating knows the reason behind it.

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 8:07:34 AM

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you really may as well be asking why people have this thing called "human curiosity", which you're exercising right now of course.

SHE may not even know in the end why she did it. you're not asking how she cheated (which obviously involved open legs), you're asking why she cheated. as much as it may suck that you got hurt, if you want to prolong your agony by digging into why, you have to at least consider that you had a lot to do with her reasoning.

a person would hope that they were the reason that their partner would resist the temptation to cheat, and even if you weren't the reason she did it, you weren't a big enough reason to her to stop it.

that leaves two options at the bare minimum; either you didn't mean enough to her to remain faithful, or you meant so much to her but in an adverse way that she was (or felt) drove to look for something she wanted from somewhere else.

on the other spectrum, maybe nothing you thought you knew about her was true, and that she's dishonest, promiscuous, uncaring, and uses people only for moments of pleasure and gain with no interest in having the typical lasting boring relationship. (in her eyes)

but if that doesn't sound like the woman you know... then well, you can start mixing things together. you never even mentioned how it affected her, was she tore up as well, or unapologetic, or seemed suddenly distant and dazed, or did she herself perhaps allude to the idea that "well i had to do something, even if it wasn't the right choice to make at least i made one."?

adultery isn't good, i mean duh? and it can hurt more than you expect when you're not even aware of how much you cared in the first place, which can be one of an infinite number of reasons why you were part of the reasoning behind it. but we're not telling you reasons why adultery is acceptable, we're telling you reasons why she did it.

it's not to say what she did should be pardonable, excusable, applauded, or that it was the right or only choice and without blame.

it's saying if you're foolhardy enough to want to know the reasons that led up to you getting burned, the truth can burn you twice as bad when you discover just how much kindling you added to that fire.

you're picking at a scab like this, let that fucker heal.

learn something here before you take off into the next. if being betrayed isn't enough to prompt you to step back and question everything INCLUDING yourself as well as how blind i may have been, then what's going to be?

even if you can't say you made a single mistake or bad step in this relationship, can you honestly say you couldn't have done more, or that you honestly even came CLOSE to doing everything you could have? even if you did everything you could have, it may not have stopped her, but you can't actually expect us, yourself, or even her to know if that's the case.

human psychology is NOT an exact science and the most common predictability is a lack of predictability.

2 + 2 = 4 at all times
you + her = you'll find out when you get there, and not a moment sooner

< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 11/12/2009 8:21:42 AM >

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 8:22:45 AM

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Well heres the thing. She appeared much more stable than other people I had been with. She had been in several long term relationships. Although, the last few guys she was with had cheated on her. I wonder if getting cheated on makes you more prone to cheating on a future partner? I keep going over what happened, seeing if there was anything I missed. I cant think of a damn thing to be honest. Like I said, we had our problems, but nothing we couldent talk out rather quickly. I wonder if I come across as being unapproachable?

In all honesty, this would hurt alot less if she had just told me she didnt want to be with me.

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 8:23:18 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

OK, so somehow its my fault that she couldent keep her legs shut? As for spending time together, theres a little thing called work that gets in the way. we both work second shift, and she has kids, and Im going to school. We still spent 2-3 days a week together though. So I doubt its that. As for lack of communication, we talked all the time. She knew she could talk to me if she needed to. So how is this my fault?

Geoff, you are SOOOO not getting the point here.

NO ONE forced you into the relationship. IF nothing else you made a bad choice in a partner. Buck up, learn, move on.

As an aside.........it is interesting how you ignored all but one aspect of my post. The reason for that is probably the reason for the situation you are in.

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 8:38:39 AM

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quote:

Although, the last few guys she was with had cheated on her. I wonder if getting cheated on makes you more prone to cheating on a future partner?

don't forget the whole "predictability" thing, there's no way of knowing how a person will react to anything; that's the very reason we found ourselves here.

put bdsm in someone's face and they might fall in love with it; others will disregard it, others will be dead set against it, and even still others will be completely repulsed by it.

in fact, i tend to believe who we as humans are is in our reaction to what we are exposed to. violence, homosexuality, etc. etc. the thing that people never seem to understand is while these things do affect and shape who we are; seeing violence doesn't make us fond of it, seeing a penis doesn't make you want it. imagine as our soldiers come back from war, and with all the horrors they've seen and committed in some cases, if seeing or experiencing something made you a certain way, and violence makes violent people, why do so many soldiers come back in tears, shaking, and in need of therapy? why don't they all come back as criminals if even so much as the violence in video games turns people into them.

it's because having experience defines us, but it doesn't allude to 'in what way'.

i really hate to quote the movie saw... but in there it's said "people never appreciate life until they see death up close". that's sort of what i'm getting at, our exposure defines us in such ways as to make us aware, that doesn't mean seeing death will make you appreciate life, that means seeing death will force you to form opinions and beliefs.

but hey, you just got cheated on so you've been exposed to that now, so what is your reaction? what are you more prone to doing now that you've seen it up close? keep in mind you've only been exposed to being cheated on up close an personal. what might happen if you're in her shoes one day and get exposed to the things she went through. you haven't seen what it's like to tempted to cheat on them up close an personal yet.

quote:

I keep going over what happened, seeing if there was anything I missed. I cant think of a damn thing to be honest. Like I said, we had our problems, but nothing we couldent talk out rather quickly. I wonder if I come across as being unapproachable?

see, that's the part of questioning things about yourself and what you thought to be true that's so important.

the next step if you want to make this wound bigger is to decide if you're going to be honest enough to look into whether or not you may have "let her down".

anyway, wise man once say "forgiveness is divine", but also "fool me once shame on you". i don't know if the possibility of working things out still exists, but what you likely have yet to realize is that the biggest damage has been dealt to your "trust", not just with her but others as well; i can't begin to get into the complexity of how much that can ruin things.

in your future attempts to not fall victim to this again, you could become overbearing, untrusting, too clingy, or just flat out too stressful or high maintenance to try and have a relationship with.

i'll promise you one thing though, you can expect failure in any and all future relationships if you don't let the wounds from this one heal. more than likely, if you really seek truth out, that'll probably mean coming to terms with the understanding that you'll never know for certain, but being ok with that.

< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 11/12/2009 8:57:19 AM >

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 9:03:55 AM

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When we live a reactive life, rather than find solid ground to walk upon and react to one thing, quickly jump and then react, jump, react, jump... we are going to get into trouble. When we don't fix what is there and going on and walk quickly into something else at a time of change we decide we need, ignore the wisdom of jumping in when we already have some pretty serious stuff going on... we are going to make mistakes.

Repeat wounds, public displays when things go bad and the rush to the coping measures of the past that we wanted to address and didn't... well... we... you... not her... are contributing to our own demise.

It starts and ends with you. There are no quick fixes that will make up for what we need to do in our personal life or emotional homework. Your picker is broken because you are picking from your wounded, needy place and that won't change until you actually do what you need to do.

You can get mad at me for what I'm saying and say I don't know what I'm talking about... but if you haven't actually done what you talked about doing the last time this happened and about the time you got together with this lady... I do know what I am talking about. And the proof is in the public questions and torment you are sharing once again.

Again... it starts and ends with you. It doesn't matter why she did what she did. It only matter's what you are doing because you are allowing the crazy making stuff to continue by failing to do what you need to do for yourself.

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 9:13:30 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

Specifically, what drives a dominant woman to cheat? Dont get me wrong and take this as I think only women cheat. Im just asking why would a domme cheat on someone she claims to love.

Same reason anyone else does it. Unhappy in their relationship. Not actually committed to it. Piss poor judgement. Not getting their needs met. Doesn't really love the person. Could be anything really.

While I'm not a dom, it's something I've done in my past. I did it for a combination of reasons paired with the wonderful condition of being young and stupid.

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 9:17:12 AM

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No, the relationship is over. I have a zero tolerance policy about infedelity. Im thinking maybe she had never really moved on from this guy she cheated on me with (he was her ex).

As for my problems, Im not crawling into a bottle to hide this time (though I AM indulging in some leftover sweet and tangy pork

).

Im not attempting a relationship for at least a few months. Groupies, however... hehehe...

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 9:18:09 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
Your picker is broken because you are picking from your wounded, needy place and that won't change until you actually do what you need to do.

Is sounds as though this holds true for the lady in question as well.

For what it's worth, Geoff, I disagree with LaTigresse to some extent. I don't think people should hold off on relationships until they are "fixed," because none of us will ever be "fixed" or "perfect" or anything near that. But the trick is to find someone who makes you a better person, not someone who makes you feel less lonely.

Maybe she's ignoring you because she knew she did something wrong, and doesn't know how to "still be the dom" and apologize at the same time. I've cheated in a relationship before. It was a horrible mistake, and I'll never do it again, but it wasn't the end of that relationship. We were together for more than two years afterward. I don't think I'm a scuz, but I was under a lot of pressure, and immature, and so I handled that pressure poorly.

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 9:19:55 AM

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Bull shit Geoff... I saw your journal entry last night. Don't say you aren't when you are.

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 9:23:03 AM

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Lockit,
Just because I said Im up for a drink doesnt mean I am drinking. The temptation is there, yes, but Im not going to wreck my life further in some booze induced haze.

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 9:26:03 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

Lockit,
Just because I said Im up for a drink doesnt mean I am drinking. The temptation is there, yes, but Im not going to wreck my life further in some booze induced haze.

Aren't people who quit drinking or drugs in a formal/structured way supposed to not start relationships for the first year or some such? I think there's a reason for that?

Akasha

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 9:28:18 AM

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Geoff, it is the quick fix darlin. I won't go into more detail... but will go so far to say, because you have been very public about it all throughout the process...

Work the program, not just the area's that are most comfortable to you.

Despite my harsh or calling it as I see it... I do wish you the best.

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 9:28:51 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

Lockit,
Just because I said Im up for a drink doesnt mean I am drinking. The temptation is there, yes, but Im not going to wreck my life further in some booze induced haze.

Aren't people who quit drinking or drugs in a formal/structured way supposed to not start relationships for the first year or some such? I think there's a reason for that?

Akasha

There are some schools of throught that say that, yes. There are schools that dont. Psychology is like politics. There is rarely a full consensus.

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You dont need to question my sanity, I can assure you Im quite mad. Its ok though, all the best people are

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 9:31:05 AM

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And how is that working for you... this one school of thought?

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 9:31:18 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

Specifically, what drives a dominant woman to cheat? Dont get me wrong and take this as I think only women cheat. Im just asking why would a domme cheat on someone she claims to love.

Because shes an asshole. Scratch that..... shes a lying, sneaking, selfish, ASSHOLE. (there thats better)

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 9:34:33 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
Your picker is broken because you are picking from your wounded, needy place and that won't change until you actually do what you need to do.

Is sounds as though this holds true for the lady in question as well.

For what it's worth, Geoff, I disagree with LaTigresse to some extent. I don't think people should hold off on relationships until they are "fixed," because none of us will ever be "fixed" or "perfect" or anything near that. But the trick is to find someone who makes you a better person, not someone who makes you feel less lonely.

Maybe she's ignoring you because she knew she did something wrong, and doesn't know how to "still be the dom" and apologize at the same time. I've cheated in a relationship before. It was a horrible mistake, and I'll never do it again, but it wasn't the end of that relationship. We were together for more than two years afterward. I don't think I'm a scuz, but I was under a lot of pressure, and immature, and so I handled that pressure poorly.

Actually, it's a very common suggestion that in a person's first year of sobriety that they not involve themselves in new romantic type relationships. The reason for this isn't so they can be "fixed" before doing so, but because they have to learn how to deal with life on life's terms. They need to stop being dependent on outside things (such as drugs or alcohol) to deal with day to day reality. When a person replaces such things with another person, rather than substances, they are only changing the dependency type.

The recovery needs to come first, or nothing else will last.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to RedMagic1)

RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 9:40:07 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

Lockit,
Just because I said Im up for a drink doesnt mean I am drinking. The temptation is there, yes, but Im not going to wreck my life further in some booze induced haze.

Aren't people who quit drinking or drugs in a formal/structured way supposed to not start relationships for the first year or some such? I think there's a reason for that?

Akasha

There are some schools of throught that say that, yes. There are schools that dont. Psychology is like politics. There is rarely a full consensus.

Tell you what. Link Me the references of the ones that don't. I'll be happy to post right here the ones that do.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to youngsubgeoff)

RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 9:42:29 AM

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Don't they know, it's the end of the world............

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RE: Why do women cheat? - 11/12/2009 9:44:27 AM

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LOL... the thirteen stepper's always say to each their own on that relationship thing during the first year. So far I haven't ever seen anything in the book that suggested another way... or in any other writing or documents. Just another way to keep on truckin our way without addressing a very important aspect of addressing ourselves, our addictions and the path to healing.

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