quote:

ORIGINAL: MsMillgrove

Wow. You said that she cheated on her ex with you Geoff...and now you are wondering why she cheats on you?

Past behavior is the predicator of future behavior. You link up with a cheater and then ask why she cheats?

How can you feel betrayed when you assisted her in betraying her last man. 50 percent credit for what happened? No I think you deserve 100 percent credit for this one.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I have no problem with you being in AA... I did say you should work the program and not just the comfortable area's for you. The term thirteen steppers was one I got right from AA and group members that were explaining a couple of the regular guys who would grab on to any new woman, date her in their first year and just about had every woman that went there. They could give up alcohol... but not the relationship suggestion of waiting for a year and encouraging others to do the same.

I learned this from my work with AA, assisting other's and knowing a lot of recovering addict's. I didn't give them the name... but every one of them said the relationship thing was optional... for their own benefit of course.

quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

no, this guy ditched her before she was with me (thats what she told me anyway). Dont try to push some karma shit on me. If there was any real justice in the universe, all of the US presidents from the last 60 years would be in prison for war crimes.

Lockit,
Again, its my choice. I said Im not looking for a relationship for awhile. That doesnt mean I have to be chaste.

LOL...Looks like you hit a nerve there Lockit.

quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

no, this guy ditched her before she was with me (thats what she told me anyway). Dont try to push some karma shit on me. If there was any real justice in the universe, all of the US presidents from the last 60 years would be in prison for war crimes.

quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

Yes even Carthead. Operation Cyclone anyone?

quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

LP,
Yes, Ive seen them. Im not that type however. I try to keep things seperate (IE, work and relationships)

You can't be that type (yet) dear.  Not unless you're carrying a medallion in your pocket that I don't know about. 

Sex, new relationships, and BDSM can all be seen as the same as the rush from substances.  Literally, this is in the brain.  Not in the way we think, but chemically.  The endorphin release is very much the same.  In a sense, you can compare the 'high' obtained from sex very much the same as the 'high' from another source.  This is why sex can be seen as an escape mechanism of sorts, especially in people with addictive personalities.

In that first year, sex can be a very easy, though inappropriate answer.  It's also why the aforementioned thirteenth stepper so easily exists.  Many people new to recovery haven't quite learned how to deal with anything without on kind of high or another.  They are drawn to people with long term recovery because they do that pedestal thing.   Often, they trade one type of addiction for another, but they are so new to living a life based in reality that they don't see it.

Does this pose an issue to those new in recovery?  Yes, it does.  After all, we are talking about at least physically grown people here who have sexual wants.  The recommendation of no new relationships is a pretty strong one, but unless you prefer celibacy, it kind of leaves you stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place.  (No, I couldn't resist that one.)

Now, if you haven't mixed yourself up with someone who would qualify as a thirteenth stepper, or someone who is roughly as new to recovery as you (don't ask Me about the stories that I could tell about 'newcomer romance'), you might still want to look at how you're meeting women.  Also where the role of sex plays in those you are interacting with.  Might make for some good discussion, in other places in addition to the CM boards.

quote:

youngsubgeoff:  Specifically, what drives a dominant woman to cheat?

quote:

I agree with the gist of some of the reasons behind the answers in the thread, with one big exception. Every place that the word "need" has been used, replace it with the word "want". People cheat when one want (sex or involvement with another person) overrides their desire to be honest with the person they are involved with. In other words, one want becomes more important than the other.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Well Geoff, regardless of what the current woman did........the one thing I can see, as can many others, given everything you've posted on here........it is pretty damned obvious why you are not able to have a successful relationship right now.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kccuckoldmist

quote:

I agree with the gist of some of the reasons behind the answers in the thread, with one big exception. Every place that the word "need" has been used, replace it with the word "want". People cheat when one want (sex or involvement with another person) overrides their desire to be honest with the person they are involved with. In other words, one want becomes more important than the other.

I disagree with this to a certain extent. Yes, certainly this can be true in many cases but needs and strong desires not getting met can be in many cases be quite real. We are not logic based robots and this argument suggests that we can override needs and strong desires because we should have a stronger need or desire to keep it in its place. That just not a reality type thing and often people have confronted in a direct and honest way a need but get told similar type advice instead of the need and desire actually getting met. To me the classic example to use here can be the problem of one spouse has a much higher sex drive then the other. The common thing is to accuse the one with a higher sex drive as the wrong/bad person and for them to deal with it because it is wrong. The person can very much be direct and honest and still left with needs and desires not getting met.

The cheating maybe the byproduct and it does not make it justified but the question is reason not claiming a winner and a loser. Reasons have factors and not moral certainties.

As a Buddhist one of the more common interpretations of what love is often is describe as accepting the person for who they are and not what we want them to be or just what they do for us and make us feel. When we get into relationships one of the things I always see that turns them bad is one or both people in it think they are now in an iron clad contract that in essence we can toss away the effort and things we did to fall in love and build that love up to where we became a committed couple. Then needs and desires often stop getting met and problems creep up.

We love to and almost always run to justify our thoughts and behaviors. When in relationships this is no different where we will always spin problems if we do not pause and take a step back in a way that benefits us the most. So to me all this advice from people is quite spot on to the OP.

What I think most have been writing is not saying it is all your fault for her cheating but just going she cheated she is a bad person and I am a victim and wallow in pity is not going to solve anything. That you need to see why she cheated and see what actions that you did and even if they were in essence uncontrollable circumstances and learn from it and realize for the benefit of future relationship(s) that most of the time you are dealing with a human being and not a robot. That once you have something does not mean it will always be there just because our romanticized version of love and commitment can falsely lead us astray to think that some needs and desires stop getting met that we can just rationalize them away to suit our needs and wishes.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

Same reason as anyone else does it - because they are jerks. Male, female, dominant, submissive, switch, straight, gay, bi ... doesn't matter - they each give a different reason for why they cheat, but it all boils down to the fact they are selfish jerks.

I find that rather too simplistic a generalisation.

Obviously, some people are just out for what they can get, but sometimes there are logical, understandable reasons. As an example, relationships are sometimes in a state of decay and/or entropy, and as a result one partner's definition of that relationship and its meaning differs from their partner's, through no fault of that individual.

It's not true to say that all cheating, all the time, is entirely the fault of a "jerk".