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abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 3:00:34 PM

Screaming

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I am new to this lifestyle and I have a very extensive abuse histroy. I often worry that my desire to be ownwed means I secretly enjoyed the abuse. Other times i'm very uren there is a difference.....experience anyone ?

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 3:03:40 PM

osf

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Screaming

I am new to this lifestyle and I have a very extensive abuse histroy. I often worry that my desire to be ownwed means I secretly enjoyed the abuse. Other times i'm very uren there is a difference.....experience anyone ?

do you want to be here?

if so don't think about why you'r here it wont change anything

the only question is where do you go from here

(in reply to Screaming)

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 3:03:42 PM

Acer49

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Screaming

I am new to this lifestyle and I have a very extensive abuse histroy. I often worry that my desire to be ownwed means I secretly enjoyed the abuse. Other times i'm very uren there is a difference.....experience anyone ?

Just because one is owned, does not mean that abuse will follow. Best advise seek professional help

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(in reply to Screaming)

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 3:05:03 PM

sexyred1

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First off, I see you just joined today, welcome.

Next, abuse and being owned is not the same thing in any shape or form. There can be abuse in any type of relationship, including being owned, but it is emphatically not one and the same. As for thinking that because you are interested in D/s you may have enjoyed your abuse...I think you should process these feelings more. I don't know anyone who enjoyed being abused.

If you have an abusive history, you should probably take it slow and easy as you venture forth into the lifestyle. You need to be clear about feelings from your past abuse before you move forward.

(in reply to Screaming)

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 3:06:06 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Screaming

I am new to this lifestyle and I have a very extensive abuse histroy. I often worry that my desire to be ownwed means I secretly enjoyed the abuse. Other times i'm very uren there is a difference.....experience anyone ?

This is delicate ground but... Ownership does not mean abuse. You like what you like because you like it. Why you like it, why I like it, I don't know. I just know that 1 in four women have suffered abuse and if one in four women in America were on this site the stats of fem subs vs. male doms would be different.

I have never been really abused. I have been molested once. I am owned and I would say very positively that there is a huge difference between being owned and being abused. Valyraen loves me and nurtures me. He encourages me to do what I am afraid to do in regards to things like... applying for jobs or trying new hobbies. Nothing that would really benefit him other than to see me smile.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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(in reply to Screaming)

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 3:12:28 PM

osf

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more of my thoughts

there are those of us that are destined to come into this from birth, i believe it's in our genes

that being said some will be abused along the way, it's just a matter of odds

i have never in all the time i've been associated with this "lifestyle" seen a correlation between being dominant and being submissive and a history of abuse and child sexual abuse

that has been a curiosity of mine for years and i've kept my eyes open looking for one

i'm not saying don't try to come to terms with your past, just don't let it keep you from following your feelings

< Message edited by osf -- 12/23/2009 3:15:47 PM >

(in reply to sexyred1)

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 3:15:50 PM

GYPSYMAMBO

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OP:
I think that the abuse needs to be dealt with first then you can explore sexual proclivity and kinks..

The REASON:?

One must be absolutey clear on the whys of it..
If someone tells me and I always ask..that there has been abuse ..I OFTEN will NOT engage in any BDSM with them..
I do not want to trigger anything from before and make it worse.

WHILE BDSM can be a way to explore similar situations and NEW BE IN CONTROL...most D's are not therapists...or trained to deal with emotional bombs.

Some of US enjoyed what was/is called abuse...
As a child I was also abused...and my uncles made sure the sexual eroticism of myself was enjoyable..BUT IT WAS STILL ABUSE...abuse of MY sexuality that should have been moulded MY WAY.

and if there was a part as an adult you secretly enjoyed..well
that is not the end of the world either or make you a bad person..
but complex...
TRY TO FIND A GOOD NEUTRAL therapists...
THE DIFFERENCE between abuse and our "lifestyle" Is
CONSENT

Being owned..if that is your desire can mean safety..peace..contentment with a D that fits you
It does not mean MORE ABUSE....and SHOULD NOT..

study ..search the threads and forums here...

best of luck

GM

< Message edited by GYPSYMAMBO -- 12/23/2009 3:17:12 PM >

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 3:17:18 PM

tsatske

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when I lived with a prevoius owner in Philly, I was attending college. I took a psche class, and the text book had something I had never seen anything like before. A quiz to rate how 'abusive' your relationship is/was. I've seen lots of 'are you being abused' quizes, but they were always of the 'if you answer even one of these questions yes, call this number' variety.
This quiz had a lot of questions and asked you to rate how they applied in your current on a scale of 1-5. then it had some ratings - the average and median for abused women rathing the relationship they were seeking help with, the average and median for American women who did not identify themselves as being abused.

I was interested. I took the test. I tried to answer all questions honestly, EXCEPT for the ones about hitting, physical stuff, ect. I rated all of those at the HIGHEST rating, e.g. 'the happens quite frequently'. when I was done, I tallied my score. Even with the highest number being used on the 'hitting' type ones, I reated as significantly less abused than the average American woman.

This is the difference between what we do and abuse, in a nutshell. My whole family knows my sexual prefrence, so they know, if I am with a guy, chances are very high that he hits me (to my great delight). All of my family will tell you, the men who I have had in my life treat me VERY well.

I had to be hospitalized for my mental illness about a year ago. Every day someone would ask me the state mandated quesiton, ' in the past year, has anyone hit you, hurt you, harmed you or frightened or threatened you'. Every time, I answered, 'I am active in BDSM. No one has hit me in the last year without my consent.' And the proffessionals, to a man, answered, 'Oh, that's not abuse.'

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(in reply to GYPSYMAMBO)

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 3:17:52 PM

osf

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quote:

think that the abuse needs to be dealt with first then you can explore sexual proclivity and kinks..

some may never be able to come to terms with their past, what are they to do, nothing?

get on with life

(in reply to GYPSYMAMBO)

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 3:28:59 PM

GYPSYMAMBO

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OSF..
That is a really good point..!
It is easy to tell ppl but hard to do..
She has already said there has been abuse so she is part way there...she knows...and has questions
GM

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 7:43:27 PM

DarkSteven

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I prefer to contrast abuse to caring discipline, because both share the same physical actions.

Differences:

1. Abuse is done due to the abuser's mental state. Discipline is done due to the disciplinee's actions.
2. The abuser is out of control. The discipliner is in control.
3. Abuse is done with hate. Discipline is done with love.
4. Most important, abuse is nonconsensual, and discipline (in adult relationships) is consensual.

Note that ownership involves many things, basically in which the s type gives over control to the D type. Abuse may be present, and loving discipline may as well. It could be healthy, or it could be unhealthy.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 8:03:10 PM

AnimusRex

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OP-
Yes, there is a difference, of course. Not everyone who is into being owned is self-medicating their psychic trauma.

But some are. And in fact, you yourself have the power to decide which way it will be.

Do you want to forever be an emotional cripple, hobbling around with the aching wounds of past abuse? Do you forever want to live in the moment of abuse, to always have it fresh and bleeding ?
Or let it go, and realize that the best healing is to live a life dedicated to positive relationships and self-respect?

Your life, your choice.

(in reply to Screaming)

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 8:12:50 PM

osf

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maybe she really wants to incorporate her past abuse into future activities, if so go for it i say

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 8:18:49 PM

Jeffff

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You might want to see a health care professional instead of a bunch of internet wack jobs.

'Find one you are comfortable with. Kink friendly may not be so easy to find, but I don't think
this is where I would come for advice like you are looking for.

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(in reply to Screaming)

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 8:27:33 PM

happylittlepet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Screaming

I am new to this lifestyle and I have a very extensive abuse histroy. I often worry that my desire to be ownwed means I secretly enjoyed the abuse. Other times i'm very uren there is a difference.....experience anyone ?

I am shaking my head at some of the responses here.

DarkSteven, that was well said.

Screaming, you have cmail.

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No need for complicated philosophies
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My philosophy is kindness (DL)

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 8:27:41 PM

osf

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just do whatever works, whatever you can live and function with

seeing mental health professional of some kind won't hurt (probably) but i seriously doubt it will do any good

by the time one reaches her age ( not that i'm saying your old) sexual proclivities are fairly well set and trying to change them, well i don't think it works

not to sound short but a good d/s relationship will probably do her more good than all the therapists in the world

the operative word is good
my 2 1/2 cents

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 8:38:11 PM

osf

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on the therapists couch you cry, on the doms couch you orgasm

choose one

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 8:48:36 PM

Jeffff

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Thats a rather flip answer to someone who could POSSIBLY have serious issues.

If you had tax or investment trouble would come here for advice?.

serious problems call for serious responses.

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 8:55:15 PM

osf

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in india they did a study once between traditional tribal care and modern western therapy

they found the results similar but the tribal doctors sent them home sooner

i just don't have much confidence in therapists

i've seen the results

(in reply to Jeffff)

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RE: abuse vs ownership - 12/23/2009 8:59:37 PM

osf

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http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/extract/325/7354/38

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