Collarchat.com

Join Our Community		 Collarchat.com

Home  Login  Search 

The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 1:00:32 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		The following topic has always been in the back of my mind, but as a result of various events currently happening in my life, it has come to the forefront: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman. Note that the following post contains my half-formed ideas on the topic and is not meant to offend anyone. Also, this is not meant as a rant but rather a perspective I offer up for discussion.

I see the over-fetishization of the dominant woman as something that occurs when a dominant woman has ceased to be a woman in the other's mind and has been reduced to a fetish object, the "other" being most often, but surely not exclusively, a man. This line taken from a Wikipedia entry on sexual fetishism pretty much resumes it well: the sexual acts involving fetishes are characteristically depersonalized and objectified, even when they involve a partner.

Now, I'm an inherently dominant woman. That's my perception of myself based on the fact that being the leader and having the dominant role in a relationship is what feels most natural to me. I feel that I come by it naturally, honestly, instinctively, romantically, sensually, sexually, etc. I am also a sensual sadist. Plainly, I get aroused from teasing and torturing a man and watching him squirm, his discomfort and vulnerability bringing out a very cruel and lustful, yet paradoxically loving, creature in me. I don't fetishise the man, but rather, find all of this even more pleasurable and natural when I'm with a strong, intelligent gentleman that I know intimately and love. However, this is not the image commonly portrayed of the dominant woman. When I first started exploring bringing my dominant nature forth in my sexuality and relationships through the Internet, books, film, etc, I was bombarded with images of the "bitch dominatrix". Eventually (and thankfully) I found other images and met others on forums like these.

Let's, for one moment, suppose that not all the men that over-fetishize dominant women are wankers or trolls. Let's, for one moment, believe that they came online or accessed another resource to better understand their desire for dominant women and were bombarded with images of women in leather corsets, knee high boots, a snarl, cruelly kicking in testicles and heartlessly spewing out insults. Ok, this could legitimately be someones kink, but it isn't even remotely representative of all dominant women. The thing is, when trying to form an idea of the Dominant woman, media culture isn't very helpful in portraying a variety of representations. It surely isn't concerned with showing the image of the well-balanced, accomplished, loving dominant woman. In fact, it hasn't always been particularly successful in portraying an accurate portrait of women, period. But that's a whole other topic!

I can already predict that some believe that the solution to this dilemna would be to get out and go to munches and meet real people. And while I might agree that this might be a legitimate option for some, it isn't for all. For many, they aren't ready to go out and meet people as they might still be dealing with their feelings. For others, it may jeopardize their careers or it may cross personal boundaries about intimacy and not necessarily want to belong to a community based on kink, as it was and still is the case with me. In fact, I went to a few munches. I almost broke out in hives and just wanted to leave. I have however had amazing get together with people I've met on this site one-on-one and in small groups.

So what are the options? Some may see the Internet as a way of meeting like-minded people and I think that is completely valid. I have a bunch of friends who are enjoying well-founded, well-balanced long term relationships with individuals they've met online. The advantage to vanilla dating sites is that they have more options to matching people on personality traits and human compatibility issues, not just sexual issues and kinks. How funny would it be for me to have a profile on eHarmony where I would write "I am looking for a well-balanced, strong, romantic female-led relationship with a socially dominant well-balanced gentleman who behind closed doors will become my deeply devoted submissive lover and take the pain and humiliation I wish to dish out".

And this wonderful Internet, source of information on any given topic, the world's how-to manual, knows all to well that "sextreme" (extreme sex) sells. Immature people (and I'm not using this in the derogatory sense, but rather to denote a lack of maturity in a certain domain) come in droves to kink sites like Collarme in the hopes of finding Dream Domme and get bombarded with images of the fetishized dominant woman who want them to bow down to them, lock on a chastity device and hand over their credit card numbers. Many of us know that these are internet predators looking to prey on the desperate. As we've seen from multiple threads, this starts to take it's toll on them and after a while might actually start to see us in this light. I know a strong submissive man who gave up on these sites years ago because he was convinced the kind of dominant woman that he wanted did not exist.

As a consequence of all this, I'm finding more and more that I'm having issues finding strong submissive men who understand what a naturally dominant woman is.

What I'm looking for is pratical advice, and most definitely not a "there-there, buck-up poor little Dommie, your dream subbie boy will come along real soon" (Oh I know some of you are itching to say it!!)

To the Dommes, how do you deal with this? Does this ever discourage you? What do you do get out of that headspace? Is there anything that can be done to get a man who you think is worth the time and effort out of this headspace?

To the submissive men, have you ever felt torn about this? Have you ever honestly felt you were over fetishizing a Domme? Why do you think that was? How did you work through this? If applicable, how did a Domme help you work through this?

To everyone else, constructive and practical advice as well as your perspective is always welcome of course :-)

And thank you in advance for your input.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 1:40:44 PM   
Ladynslave


Posts: 376
Joined: 7/30/2009
Status: offline 		Thoughtful posts such as these are a great start.  How I wish I had the money and time to create a website similar to eharmony in which kink friendly psychologists were consulted to create the questions that would add up to perfect compatibility both sexual and mental.  It is discouraging to receive so many emails in which the subs practically demand that I give them their every kinky need.  What keeps me coming back thinking I might just find that perfect sub are the posts in this forum asking what they are doing wrong with their profile or their initial contact email.  I have come in late to many threads such as those, read the suggestions (more often than not even the initial contact email threads have suggestions on profile fixes), and gone to look at the OP's profile to find that the suggestions have already been implimented wonderfully well.  It never fails to be mentioned that Dommes are women first and they need to approach them with that thought in mind.  They are also reminded that if they want to serve us, they need to tell us how they can do so instead of telling us how we can fulfill their kinky desires.  Read her profile is drummed into their heads.  After all, how can they expect to start a relationship with a Domme by ignoring her first words to them?  I knew coming onto this site that it would take at least as much time if not more time to find a beta slave as it did to find my alpha slave.  I had also had previous experience on other sites that had me prepared to pull many weeds before I found any roses.  Being a pessimist, I find that when things don't go well, I am prepared.  When things do go well however, I am pleasantly surprised.  I have found myself pleasantly surprised more often than not in this forum.  That's what keeps me here and mostly unfrustrated.

Lady

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 1:43:24 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		Great thoughts  -- something I have pondered a lot and written about on here also. 

Here's a big sticking point: For many men, they have already been "programmed" with the ideal/concept of what a dominant woman is, and it is reinforced through male-developed, male-written, male produced porn that further these stereotypes.  The femdom "ideal" in his mind is a caricature and a fantasy developed by men, for men.   Can this man be "un-programmed?"  Does he want to be? 

Here is the bigger problem.  Many sub men have also eroticized *their* role in this exchange.  The worthless worm, the instantly groveling loser, the over-the-top "sissy" - and they have developed, in their mind, the ideal of what THEY think a dominant women is turned on by. In reality, very few of us like that "guy" at all.  It doesn't push our femdom buttons - it repels us!  Perhaps, in some situations, it's very hot -- yes, I *do* love to make a man grovel, but trust me, it's not instant, and it's after stripping away layers of his pride to reveal a very real, very vulnerable place. I do like to feminize him, but when it makes him uneasy and reveals a hidden side of him.   It's not just him licking the floor and my boots and slobbering on me because it turns *him* on.    If real femdom porn existed, by women for women, how many instant-worms would be starring in it?   None!

For a submissive man to take the time and understand what a "real" dominant woman is, it requires that he dismisses a lot of his own ideals and fantasies - and some men are not readily able to do this.  They do seek a femdom - they seek the femdom in their mind.  The illusion that this "woman" exists is further exploited by some pros who position themselves as nonpros, and more porn that is written by men but pretends to be written by women or produced by women. 

It's also further complicated by honest dominant women who fear the only way to attract and keep a submissive man is by subjecting herself to these ideals and conforming.  Have I done this?  Sure - I think, at times, it made sense that the only way I would get a certifyably kinky guy is to dangle the carrot then *change* him by toning down his fetishes.  What a painful project, and not one I recommend.  But with all the sub guys looking for Ms. Kinky Super Dominatrix, sometimes it seems like it makes sense to portray that and try to find the diamond in the rough that just was misled, and show him that a lady CAN be both.  Ultimately, a lot of headaches, though.

My solution for dominant women is not a popular one.  I get pure venom from sub men when I say this to my kinky femdom friends who are single and frustrated.  I tell them to date vanilla.  Date vanilla guys, and seduce them.  Find the men that are, at the core, devoted and open minded.  You can open the door to kink and show them a whole new world.  The drawback?  They will never, ever understand how a "need" can be so intense, and what the burning urges feel like - they can just shrug one day and say "Hey I love you, but I can't do that kinky stuff anymore...surely you can give it up?"  There has to be compromise though...but this is true in all relationships.

Akasha



_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 2:11:37 PM   
Underumam


Posts: 485
Joined: 12/18/2008
Status: offline 		I over-fetishized Dominas several times in my younger years. Of course through life experiences, my attitudes/expectations/fantasies have been brought down to earth. But the fact remains- most Femdoms want us to think of them in sexual ways, or they wouldn't dress the way they do.  Sex still sells...........

_____________________________

Proud and devoted collared servant of D~

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 2:15:49 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		 And I would have said that to anyone with that last couple of lines.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to Underumam)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 2:31:26 PM   
Lucienne


Posts: 1175
Joined: 9/5/2009
Status: offline 		This is a very interesting topic and one that's been rolling through my head pretty much since the day I showed up here. To be simplistic, what to do about do-me subs? The designation is contradictory on its face, and yet their numbers are impossible to ignore. A part of me has a weird sympathy for them. It's not that what they're looking for is inherently wrong, it's just miscategorized and mislabeled. They need service tops, not dommes. Or professionals. Whatever. What I'm saying is, that I don't feel comfortable dismissing out of hand a man who says "I want you to do this and this and this to me because I'm a dirty little boy" as a man who necessarily seeks to objectify the woman involved.

But here's the rub... LA, you reference media and cultural images of dommes as affecting expections. How does this work in vanilla terms? All those images of super-skinny perfectly groomed women have more of an effect on the actions of women than they do of men. Men's porn habits might be altered, and they'll sit around the internet and say that Jessica Alba is looking a little worn to them, but when the rubber meets the road (no pun intended!) men are out there dating and falling in love with average women. Their sexual urges very effectively temper the false expectations that the media gives them.

So why doesn't it work the same way for the do-me subs? If what they really want is a real live woman that they respect as an individual to do assorted things to them... and they're faced with a limited number of women who nearly across the board aren't interested in just following the "do-me" instructions, why haven't the men adapted? Why isn't the sexual urge tempering the false expectation? I'm tempted to say it's because objectification really is part of the package for them, but I honestly don't know.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 2:33:45 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		Part of the problem is a juxtaposition that exists between finding what you want and finding what really exists. Over the years, I've crossed over that dividing line numerous times, and it can sometimes lead you into a world of fantasy that is sometimes easy to confuse with a sense of reality. It happens a lot when a submissive goes exploring the bdsm circles along the professional route, so that the women that he/she sees tends to be of a fantastic nature, leading one to believe that most women in the scene are also of that nature. When one then tries to find someone in the non-professional community, there is often the desire to find that certain someone that matches what he/she found in the professional community.

Now, if it was that simple, it would be easy to diagnose and fix, but it's not always that easy because having lived within the professional community, I have found myself often coming across women who cross that boundary to where they are often living a fetish-like lifestyle at the same time that they exist on the non-professional community. That doesn't even come close to mentioning the many women I've known over the years who are working professionally but are also exploring the lifestyle for their own specific needs, leaving an impression that most women are so into the fetish-like part of the lifestyle that most dominant women must be as well (at least as one might believe because of such contacts).

Part of the ritualistic area of the lifestyle leads to a lot of fetishistic types of behaviors that also transcend these normal circumstances so that someone seeking a dominant woman may find himself finding an expectation of such behavior as well. Having been part of femdom organizations where there is a certain fetishistic perspective to a lot of the activities, it's easy to see how that expectation might be experienced as well.

This leads to a point where you find a lot of submissives who have never explored the lifestyle from the non-fetishistic perspective to be under the impression that any woman being into the scene must also be into specific fetish-like behaviors. Having dated numerous women over the years who were dominant but just normal, every day people, I've been fortunate enough to realize that normal, every day people can sometimes be normal, every day people, but not everyone has been lucky enough to have that type of contact in the scene. For many, it's still filled with a lot of fantasy that overwhelms their perceptions so that I can imagine it would be very difficult for a woman who is just looking for someone who might be interested in exploring kink from the ground up, rather than with all sorts of perceived notions about what to expect. An example is that I once had a dominant woman move in with me, and I had been so exposed to professionals as partners over the years that I was expecting non-stop "play" and all sorts of ritualistic balderdash as part of our daily encounters, and I was actually shocked when the relationship turned out to be very much like a vanilla relationship, except every now and then she would decide things for us, and other times she would act as the "bitch from Hell" (her words) because it suited her desires and purposes.

The point is: Often people come to the scene with preconceived notions of what to expect so that they forget that the other person is a human looking for a connection of her own and a desire to fulfill HER fantasies rather than someone else's laundry list. Finding a fit with that is what generally works, but sometimes, it takes a long time for a submissive to figure that out, and quite often, judging from what I have scene, that just doesn't happen.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me


http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 2:53:11 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Underumam

I over-fetishized Dominas several times in my younger years. Of course through life experiences, my attitudes/expectations/fantasies have been brought down to earth. But the fact remains- most Femdoms want us to think of them in sexual ways, or they wouldn't dress the way they do.  Sex still sells...........

Bullshit.  I will be very specific about this.  I like My leather.  I like My corsets, skirts, and boots, and I can promise you that I wear the same type of outfit whether I'm going to any venue that it's appropriate including female only events.

LadyA, as partially mentioned in the above, I can only identify with part of your plight.  I don't have the aversion to the public BDSM scene that you do.  (Seriously hives?  I hope that was due to your reaction and not wherever the place whatever it was that you went to was being held.)  I've always had more success with the in person ways to meet someone else.  I tend to prefer having My adventures with those who have already accepted their own submissiveness and feelings on the matter.  I'm not especially sure that I'm willing to put in the time to coax someone out of their shell.

The fight about the preconceived notions about what a Dominant woman is, I think, is an uphill battle.  The porn industry has a strong foot hold in that, as it caters to males.  They spend the money, so the industry is going produce what brings in dollars.  To Me, this can be seen as another reason not to be willing to want to deal with those who haven't got any experience.  I've already put the time into figuring out what kind of Dominant woman I am.  I don't want to have to go through that again just so I can disspell a myth of what somebody thinks I'm supposed to be.

This, to Me, seems like damn near as much work as converting someone who is vanilla.  I've already got a husband and a collared sub, so anyone else coming in has already got too much to accept without bringing him all the way from vanilla.

As to your questions:


To the Dommes, how do you deal with this?
Already addressed.  I meet people at munches and events.

Does this ever discourage you?
No, it doesn't.  I really don't use the other side for that potential.  Once in a while, someone here will catch My eye, but it's usually on the forums.

What do you do get out of that headspace?
I think I addressed that as well.  I'd rather drive a couple of hours to a munch than attempt to cultivate prospects here.  It could happen, but I've had more success in real life.

Is there anything that can be done to get a man who you think is worth the time and effort out of this headspace?
Yes, but I think that has to happen as he gets to know the Domme as a person.  That's the only solution that I know.  Reality kind of doesn't allow the myth to exist.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Underumam)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 3:00:39 PM   
Underumam


Posts: 485
Joined: 12/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: Underumam

I over-fetishized Dominas several times in my younger years. Of course through life experiences, my attitudes/expectations/fantasies have been brought down to earth. But the fact remains- most Femdoms want us to think of them in sexual ways, or they wouldn't dress the way they do.  Sex still sells...........

Bullshit.  I will be very specific about this.  I like My leather.  I like My corsets, skirts, and boots, and I can promise you that I wear the same type of outfit whether I'm going to any venue that it's appropriate including female only events.

LadyA, as partially mentioned in the above, I can only identify with part of your plight.  I don't have the aversion to the public BDSM scene that you do.  (Seriously hives?  I hope that was due to your reaction and not wherever the place whatever it was that you went to was being held.)  I've always had more success with the in person ways to meet someone else.  I tend to prefer having My adventures with those who have already accepted their own submissiveness and feelings on the matter.  I'm not especially sure that I'm willing to put in the time to coax someone out of their shell.

The fight about the preconceived notions about what a Dominant woman is, I think, is an uphill battle.  The porn industry has a strong foot hold in that, as it caters to males.  They spend the money, so the industry is going produce what brings in dollars.  To Me, this can be seen as another reason not to be willing to want to deal with those who haven't got any experience.  I've already put the time into figuring out what kind of Dominant woman I am.  I don't want to have to go through that again just so I can disspell a myth of what somebody thinks I'm supposed to be.

This, to Me, seems like damn near as much work as converting someone who is vanilla.  I've already got a husband and a collared sub, so anyone else coming in has already got too much to accept without bringing him all the way from vanilla.

As to your questions:


To the Dommes, how do you deal with this?
Already addressed.  I meet people at munches and events.

Does this ever discourage you?
No, it doesn't.  I really don't use the other side for that potential.  Once in a while, someone here will catch My eye, but it's usually on the forums.

What do you do get out of that headspace?
I think I addressed that as well.  I'd rather drive a couple of hours to a munch than attempt to cultivate prospects here.  It could happen, but I've had more success in real life.

Is there anything that can be done to get a man who you think is worth the time and effort out of this headspace?
Yes, but I think that has to happen as he gets to know the Domme as a person.  That's the only solution that I know.  Reality kind of doesn't allow the myth to exist.



I was just expressing my opinion Lady Pact. My observations lead me to these conclusions, and I was by no means referring to all Dommes. To call my opinion BULLSHIT is very surprising, coming from you, who seem usually to be non judgmental regarding personal opinions......*throws hands up in the air*


_____________________________

Proud and devoted collared servant of D~

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 3:03:27 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Then you might want to attempt stating that as your opinion, rather than the "fact" you claim it to be.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Underumam)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 3:13:20 PM   
BailyBoo


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/16/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Underumam

But the fact remains- most Femdoms want us to think of them in sexual ways, or they wouldn't dress the way they do.  Sex still sells...........


Then, in my jeans/slacks and blouse combo, do I not want people to see me sexually?


(in reply to Underumam)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 3:32:41 PM   
DVsFox


Posts: 133
Joined: 11/12/2008
Status: offline
quote:

To the submissive men, have you ever felt torn about this? Have you ever honestly felt you were over fetishizing a Domme? Why do you think that was? How did you work through this? If applicable, how did a Domme help you work through this?


I do not feel that I've ever over-fetishized a female Dom.  I only love my Owner and I only feel lust towards her.  I love her and that fact completely overwhelms all else.  Am I sexually attracted to her?  Absolutely.  That's certainly a part of our relationship--a part that we both love--but it is not the number 1 priority.  I've always realized that she doesn't exist simply for my enjoyment, nor is the reverse true.  We are together for our mutual enjoyment.  She fulfills me and I fulfill her...not just sexually, but intellectually and emotionally.  I don't understand how I would feel anything genuine if she were merely a prop for my sexual fantasies.  I've felt far closer to her walking to the bookstore than I have tied to the bed.  Sex is amazing, it's fulfilling, and it's something I love sharing with her...but it's not at the top of our list of priorities.

I have felt over-fetishized by female Doms, however...  Not by my Owner, but by people on this site and elsewhere who have looked at me and just assumed that I was one of two things:

1.  Owned, not eligible for use, and therefor not worth speaking to.

or

2. A slave who existed for their pleasure regardless of my commitment to my Owner.

It's easy to be looked at as simply a slave.  I've had people assume how I liked to be treated and what is expected of me.  It's kind of ridiculous, really.  The only person who has any right to me is my Owner.

I guess really, I think some female Doms are just as bad at over-fetisizing people as submissive men are.  It's just a human trait that is probably present in almost all walks of life, and while I think it's an interesting discussion, I feel that female Doms are just as bad as submissive men.  It just gets complained about a lot less because it can be construed as normal "dominant" behavior.

Interesting discussion,
DV's Fox

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 3:38:07 PM   
Underumam


Posts: 485
Joined: 12/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Then you might want to attempt stating that as your opinion, rather than the "fact" you claim it to be.


I have never been anything but respectful to you. Just because you're a dominant female doesn't mean everything you say is the gospel, or that your opinion automatically takes priority over a submissives. I am not your submissive, nor will I likely ever be. Go rebuke someone else.


_____________________________

Proud and devoted collared servant of D~

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 4:05:10 PM   
BailyBoo


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/16/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

To the Dommes, how do you deal with this? Does this ever discourage you? What do you do get out of that headspace? Is there anything that can be done to get a man (or woman!) who you think is worth the time and effort out of this headspace?


I have found that, as I am the antithesis of the Dream Dominant, those expectations plague me almost everywhere I go. When I meet people off the internet, they expect someone with scads of leather and ominous furnishings that double as torture implements that's impeccably clean.

What they get is me in my jeans and a decent blouse, with a leather couch that I hate (the only leather in the house), and a pile of clean laundry that small children have gotten lost in. I don't wear make-up, I don't wear 8 inch heels that I use to puncture the balls of inferior men, but I'm just as Dominant as the woman that enjoys all that frou-frou that I don't.

I don't get anything out of that expectation, I don't want to live up to that expectation.

Those that come bearing that hope for a Dream Dominant get a choice, they either lose the desire for it, or they move on to someone more to their liking. I don't have time for people who don't have realistic goals.







(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 4:07:19 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BailyBoo


quote:

ORIGINAL: Underumam

But the fact remains- most Femdoms want us to think of them in sexual ways, or they wouldn't dress the way they do.  Sex still sells...........


Then, in my jeans/slacks and blouse combo, do I not want people to see me sexually?





I think this is a bit misleading. I don't see it as being seen"sexually", I see it as being seen as alluring and sexy. We as women, mostly, not all, dress a certain way to illicit a certain response. When I'm in my baggy, dingy jeans and a t shirt I'm not interested in being seen as a sexual being or as sexy, necessarily. I'm fortunate in that, no matter what I wear day to day both my husband and my slave find me very sexy.

When I'm in my tighter, nicer jeans and a fitted button up, I feel better overall and enjoy a leer or two. I may even strut a bit.

When I'm in my corset, boots, leather etc. damn straight I'm going for a look related completely to feeling sexy...even at a female event only...maybe that's because I'm bi, but maybe it's because I want to look as hot or hotter than the next chick. In this outfit not only do I strut a bit, but I expect leers and comments.

My profile picture is what it is because I desire to look attractive to potential mates. Trust me, I have many pictures of me without make up, wearing jammies, etc. that I feel don't make me look sexy or appealing.

I work in a long term hospital. Each and every day I'm in slacks and a dress shirt, jacket etc. Some days the outfit is more put together than other days, but I usually look business oriented. Every day, as I walk through our rehab gym one particular gentleman stops me to say something kind. "you certainally are a tall young lady" I heard one day. Another day he thanked me for saying good morning. Today, interestingly enough, as I walked through he said to me "my you certainally look lovely today". I was actually a bit shocked and chalked it up to my recent increased and augmented happiness. I didn't even consider the outfit I was wearing could have illicited such a response as I was dressed for work/business not to entice someone sexually (especially a patient).

Yes, this dominant definately dresses to illicit certain responses from those around me. I agree that sex sells and that more often than not women dress the way they do for very specific reasons. Albeit those reasons may be simply because they like the outfit. My question is what makes you like any particular outfit for any particular "event"?

OP - While I do entice with my photos, I still am very real and when I meet people from CM, I meet them in that tighter nicer jeans type outfit. I make it very clear during the chatting phase that I'm really a regular girl with specialized proclivities. If I feel they don't understand that, I simply move along. No one is worth it if he can't accept me in my jammies too *S*


_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to BailyBoo)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 4:47:05 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Underumam

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Then you might want to attempt stating that as your opinion, rather than the "fact" you claim it to be.


I have never been anything but respectful to you. Just because you're a dominant female doesn't mean everything you say is the gospel, or that your opinion automatically takes priority over a submissives. I am not your submissive, nor will I likely ever be. Go rebuke someone else.


I'd have called bullshit whether you were male submissive, female submissive, Dominant, switch, green, purple, or blue.  The very thread topic is about the over-fetishization of Dominant females and the comment about how it's a fact that most fem Dommes want to be thought of in sexual ways for how they dress is part of the issue at hand.  It is what someone is choosing to believe about Dominant women without possibly knowing the mindset of "most".  Obviously, your current Dominant feels that way, but would you include "most" of the Dominants that you've served in the past?  Is it something you know because you've asked them or just conclusions that you have drawn yourself because of what you observed?

It might surprise you to know that just as many of us dress the way we want to for ourselves, rather than to elicit a specific male response.  Ask how many females out there, regardless of being Domme, sub, or anything else, have taken a bath and slipped into their best lingerie, just because they want to feel sexy?  There are a number of women who do these types of things, just for themselves and it doesn't have a darn thing to do with whether there's a man around to see them or not.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Underumam)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 5:23:50 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		My way of dealing with it without success and with, has been to not deal with those who come to me with kinky intentions or go vanilla with an open mind and responses to kinky things. lol I am letting people know here on CM that if kink or bdsm is their focus before anything else; I am not interested.

There are men here that are very worthwhile. Many playing games and appear worthwhile, but still just playing the game to get to the kinky parts. It is difficult to find one who will take the time to build foundations and build upon a relationship. That kink and picture of what it is to be with a dominant or that ever sexy, fulfilling, always ready dominatrix, seems to be a priority for many.

I have talked to a number of wonderful men on this site, but too far away from me. Some of these men I have known for years. I am currently talking to some wonderful men who are seeking the same things I am, with the same frustrations of what comes with the online stuff. They are out there.

But so are the vanilla who are far less work to entice into some kinky things... as I am not a sadist. They are easier for me because they simply do not play the games I have found many submissive men do, online. I have found more genuine adoration, attention, focus and balance in men I meet in person or who are vanilla and able to move happily onto their knees.

One vanilla this summer was amazing! I didn't have to wear anything to be sexy and turn him on. Did exactlly what I do every single day... wear what I find comfortable, make up and perfume as I wish to or not and the man was all over himself to make me happy. I wasn't sellin anything, but he was sold! Too bad he was too young for me, or that hot boy would have been kept!




_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 5:42:40 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		:
quote:

the sexual acts involving fetishes are characteristically depersonalized and objectified, even when they involve a partner
Personally I've discovered by accident a fetishism to objects related to WIITWD the smell of the leather the feel of it in your hand, it can be hard not to remember when un-attached the pleasure those objects give.

quote:

Now, I'm an inherently dominant woman. That's my perception of myself based on the fact that being the leader and having the dominant role in a relationship is what feels most natural to me. I feel that I come by it naturally, honestly, instinctively, romantically, sensually, sexually, etc. I am also a sensual sadist. Plainly, I get aroused from teasing and torturing a man and watching him squirm, his discomfort and vulnerability bringing out a very cruel and lustful, yet paradoxically loving, creature in me. I don't fetishise the man, but rather, find all of this even more pleasurable and natural when I'm with a strong, intelligent gentleman that I know intimately and love.

As I'm sure you're aware this is more common than not.

quote:

 However, this is not the image commonly portrayed of the dominant woman. When I first started exploring bringing my dominant nature forth in my sexuality and relationships through the Internet, books, film, etc, I was bombarded with images of the "bitch dominatrix".

This is the difference between reality and what sells. Would we really watch reality television if it was average families barely scraping by, arguing about how to pay the bills, or whose time it is to take out the trash with kids screaming in the background? Not at all...we want beautiful people on the Batchlor, we want to keep up with the kardashians and hear about the housewives of ____.
Porn is no different. What sells is the wierd, the dangerous and the extreme. Things that the closest the average man will come close to is that tape. They can get June Cleaver soccer mom all day long, they want to see sheena the venom vixen to switch things up.

quote:

Let's, for one moment, suppose that not all the men that over-fetishize dominant women are wankers or trolls. Let's, for one moment, believe that they came online or accessed another resource to better understand their desire for dominant women and were bombarded with images of women in leather corsets, knee high boots, a snarl, cruelly kicking in testicles and heartlessly spewing out insults. Ok, this could legitimately be someones kink, but it isn't even remotely representative of all dominant women. The thing is, when trying to form an idea of .the Dominant woman, media culture isn't very helpful in portraying a variety of representations It surely isn't concerned with showing the image of the well-balanced, accomplished, loving dominant woman. In fact, it hasn't always been particularly successful in portraying an accurate portrait of women, period. But that's a whole other topic!

The sincere sub will find the information just as you have. Though their are those that cling to their ideas on what it SHOULD be like, they are also the ones better served by a pro.
As far as the media's portrayal, they are no more accurate on the "typical" domme than they are the "typical" male dom. If the public idea of a male dominant is a spousal abuser that whips his mate and keeps her locked in a closet, dressed like a biker (misconception that makes me laugh a harley is apparently supposed to be part of a "typical" toy bag), tattooed and unemployed...why would you expect that the view of a dominant female would be any better?

[Apologies to the 2% of readers that might actually fit that steriotype]

quote:

I can already predict that some believe that the solution to this dilemna would be to get out and go to munches and meet real people. And while I might agree that this might be a legitimate option for some, it isn't for all. For many, they aren't ready to go out and meet people as they might still be dealing with their feelings. For others, it may jeopardize their careers or it may cross personal boundaries about intimacy and not necessarily want to belong to a community based on kink, as it was and still is the case with me. In fact, I went to a few munches. I almost broke out in hives and just wanted to leave. I have however had amazing get together with people I've met on this site one-on-one and in small groups.

Munch is no different than any other group. It's entirely how you relate to the others there. If you're secure and open to the experience the creepy guy trying to collar you over appitizers and the other trying to lick your shoe aren't as distressing.

.
quote:

How funny would it be for me to have a profile on eHarmony where I would write "I am looking for a well-balanced, strong, romantic female-led relationship with a socially dominant well-balanced gentleman who behind closed doors will become my deeply devoted submissive lover and take the pain and humiliation I wish to dish out".

Actually if you value your privacy that would be a REALLY bad idea. eharmony wouldn't just ban you from their sight but they would list you in a database used by other match sites as a "deviant". They are part of a network that checks for married people cheating (for example asking who names close to mine are in relation to me then posting them on their "find a friend" site as known associates), checks for felonies and the like then they use this information on pay search engines where a boss, spouse or potential employer might find it.

quote:

As a consequence of all this, I'm finding more and more that I'm having issues finding strong submissive men who understand what a naturally dominant woman is.

Welcome to the club! I would focus less on finding one that "understands what it is" than finding one you have enough in common with that you can TEACH THEM your deffinition of what that is. My kink won't be yours and one that "understands" may have different ideas than you do as to what submission means based on their experience (or lack).

quote:

To the Dommes, how do you deal with this? Does this ever discourage you? What do you do get out of that headspace? Is there anything that can be done to get a man who you think is worth the time and effort out of this headspace?

The disparity is difficult. What many men THINK we are about, what they THINK we SHOULD BE, and reality as you've pointed out are sometimes removed from WIITWD. Yes it's discouraging but no more so than trying to find an appropriate mate any other way. I look at is as figuring out what I DON'T want instead of a failure. Each meeting you realize things that you didn't think of as a limit before or personality types you're incompatible with, this is all useful for the next person you meet. Is it worth it? Yes and no. It's not easy getting there but the rewards of finding someone you're compatible with make it worth while.

quote:

To the submissive men, have you ever felt torn about this? Have you ever honestly felt you were over fetishizing a Domme? Why do you think that was? How did you work through this? If applicable, how did a Domme help you work through this?

I would say that every sub, especially the more experienced, will have some ideas about "the way things should be" that may be different from yours. Yes they will always kind of fetishize WIITWD because it's what drove them here in first place. What they believe once they're here is highly individual. Yes assume as a domme you're going to have to set them straight in some way about "what kink with you is".



_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 5:49:44 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

My way of dealing with it without success and with, has been to not deal with those who come to me with kinky intentions or go vanilla with an open mind and responses to kinky things. lol I am letting people know here on CM that if kink or bdsm is their focus before anything else; I am not interested.


For what it's worth, Lockit, nor am I.  For god's sake, what's the point?  Life is too short to piddle around with half-witted fantasists.  If I want fantasy women, I'll invent them in my head.  My imagination produces the best fantasy women for me; real life produces the best real life women for me.  It's horses for courses, that's all. 

Vaguely related:  I've developed my own, personal little test for the Right Domme for Me.  It's simple: I read her profile - and her posts here - and think, "Could I imagine tickling her in the ribs without her getting arsy about it?"  If the answer's 'no' - then, well, she'll be an irredeemable fantasist as far as I'm concerned - some puffed-up fart-for-brains who's actually come to believe that she's the 'Queen' and 'Goddess' that so many peabrained malesubs have been telling her she is for so many years. 

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman - 12/30/2009 6:09:13 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I work in a long term hospital. Each and every day I'm in slacks and a dress shirt, jacket etc. Some days the outfit is more put together than other days, but I usually look business oriented. Every day, as I walk through our rehab gym one particular gentleman stops me to say something kind. "you certainally are a tall young lady" I heard one day. Another day he thanked me for saying good morning. Today, interestingly enough, as I walked through he said to me "my you certainally look lovely today". I was actually a bit shocked and chalked it up to my recent increased and augmented happiness. I didn't even consider the outfit I was wearing could have illicited such a response as I was dressed for work/business not to entice someone sexually (especially a patient).

In my experience this is an injured man that's wanting to hear that even with whatever part is broken or missing that he's still desirable. He's hitting on you likely as he would have before. While as a hospital employee it's not appropriate for you to "fix it", a referral under how you deal with "does IT still work" may be appropriate. The guy needs to hear he's still sexy and personally one of the sexiest men I've ever met was quad with a personality that filled a room. Good luck and tread lightly!

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2024
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.125