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ORIGINAL: UnknowingMaster

I have a problem, and as you can tell from the title, I am not quite sure how to continue. Please excuse any typing errors as I am doing this from my phone. The last time I posted on here, was about 15 months or so ago and I had asked for help in becoming a better Dom. I don't know if I am doing it wrong, if I just don't have enough motivation, etc, but I just can't seem to get into the role. My wife introduced me to the d/s aspect of her sexuality while I was deployed, sent me tons of articles, talked to me on end about this and was/has been extremely enthusiastic about the lifestyle. I just don't know how to handle some situations. I am a very laid back type of person, and most of the time just don't care about what is happening in my surroundings. Don't get me wrong, I can be alert and responsive if I want, I just usually don't care to be. My main problem that I am having now is that she is burying her nose in books such as "The Story of O" or some other series that is "The Claiming of someone or other". I can noticibly tell a difference between when she is reading stuff like that or just plain vanilla romance novels. The only time that she is ever "in the mood" is when she reads the d/s stuff. I love her to death, but I can't figure out what to do. She claims that when we try a scene, she can notice that I am not that into it. There are other things that she wants to do that, again, I am not into, but I will have the common courtesy not to say because she does view these boards. I want to make her happy, but to what expense do I do that? Do I spend the rest of my life living as a person that I clearly am not, or do I just not fulfill her fantasies? Living the life as the person that I am not will obviously work in my favor sexually, but not fulfilling her fantasies will leave me initiating if I ever want sex. Thoughts, comments, suggestions, criticism? I don't know if any of this made sense or if I just seem like I am rambling.

Thank you for your help.

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ORIGINAL: sexyred1
Oh good, I was hoping to be the subblier of the two of us, LOL

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ORIGINAL: osf

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personally, for me, i have to know the guy wants to do those things for HIMSELF first and foremost. if shes the same it wont work for her either.

you mean it's about me?

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the D.O.M.I.N.A.N.T is the leader in the relationship. its his decision and its what drives him that drives the relationship. and basically that is what this thread boils down to.

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ORIGINAL: osf

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the D.O.M.I.N.A.N.T is the leader in the relationship. its his decision and its what drives him that drives the relationship. and basically that is what this thread boils down to.

thanks im saving that so i remember it

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ORIGINAL: lally2

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ORIGINAL: osf

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the D.O.M.I.N.A.N.T is the leader in the relationship. its his decision and its what drives him that drives the relationship. and basically that is what this thread boils down to.

thanks im saving that so i remember it

youre welcome, sorry was sounding a bit sarky earlier. the thing is.,

ultimately its about both of you being happy, fulfilled and enjoying each other and often that enjoyment is all wrapped up in the D being the leader and directing the submissive in the direction he wants her to go.

so initially it is about HIMSELF, and if he is enjoying himself then the sub is going to enjoy herself more because she knows she's pleasing him (a big biggiee for many submissive types)

there are times when the D may very well decide to do something for the sub that leaves him cold, but that is his decision in the end and so long as it is, the sub will extract a great deal of pleasure from that gesture. its still within his domain and control to do it or not though.

apart from everything else going on with this couple here, it seems to me that the wife is driving the situation and he is being dragged along by it. that isnt going to sit well anyway. we dont know how much Ds or even Ms she needs or thinks she needs, she may be way of the richter scale for him, or it might be that some level of compromise could be reached. who knows, i really wish them well though, it must be really tough.

disclaimer: these are my veiws only of course, the way i see things from my perspective only.

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ORIGINAL: osf

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ORIGINAL: lally2

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ORIGINAL: osf

quote:

the D.O.M.I.N.A.N.T is the leader in the relationship. its his decision and its what drives him that drives the relationship. and basically that is what this thread boils down to.

thanks im saving that so i remember it

youre welcome, sorry was sounding a bit sarky earlier. the thing is.,

ultimately its about both of you being happy, fulfilled and enjoying each other and often that enjoyment is all wrapped up in the D being the leader and directing the submissive in the direction he wants her to go.

so initially it is about HIMSELF, and if he is enjoying himself then the sub is going to enjoy herself more because she knows she's pleasing him (a big biggiee for many submissive types)

there are times when the D may very well decide to do something for the sub that leaves him cold, but that is his decision in the end and so long as it is, the sub will extract a great deal of pleasure from that gesture. its still within his domain and control to do it or not though.

apart from everything else going on with this couple here, it seems to me that the wife is driving the situation and he is being dragged along by it. that isnt going to sit well anyway. we dont know how much Ds or even Ms she needs or thinks she needs, she may be way of the richter scale for him, or it might be that some level of compromise could be reached. who knows, i really wish them well though, it must be really tough.

disclaimer: these are my veiws only of course, the way i see things from my perspective only.

ok, my honest view, it's all about the relationship, they both have roles within the relationship, if either plays their role badly the relationship suffers

both serve the relationship

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ORIGINAL: lally2

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ORIGINAL: osf

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personally, for me, i have to know the guy wants to do those things for HIMSELF first and foremost. if shes the same it wont work for her either.

you mean it's about me?

ok, once more for the hard of hearing

the D.O.M.I.N.A.N.T is the leader in the relationship. its his decision and its what drives him that drives the relationship. and basically that is what this thread boils down to.

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s Mnottertail the only one on here that gets to make all the bad jokes around here? Um, I mean... (shuts up)

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ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

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ORIGINAL: lally2

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ORIGINAL: osf

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personally, for me, i have to know the guy wants to do those things for HIMSELF first and foremost. if shes the same it wont work for her either.

you mean it's about me?

ok, once more for the hard of hearing

the D.O.M.I.N.A.N.T is the leader in the relationship. its his decision and its what drives him that drives the relationship. and basically that is what this thread boils down to.

What's with all the taking things this poster clearly says in jest as deathly serious? (confused look) Is Mnottertail the only one on here that gets to make all the bad jokes around here? Um, I mean... (shuts up)

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ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

All right, UnknowingMaster,

I've read through the on-topic responses in the thread, noted the things I would have said that someone's already said. The only one thing I thought of hasn't been suggested yet is this: read the books she is reading. Particularly the "Claiming Of" ones (there are 3 of them). They're hot easy reads, and even people who don't feel very bdsm-like often feel something (nice) when they read them. Not only will it help you to understand your wife a little better, but it may be you discover aspects of this kind of sex that you might enjoy. Do you remember in your teens watching porn or reading magazines about sex and discovering a few interests you never knew you had that way? The same thing can happen here. Not guarantees, but it might.

I wouldn't bother with the Story of O until after I'd read the others, though. It's less approachable, particularly if you're reading it cold (from a no interest standpoint). Only read it if you find something you enjoyed in the first three books.

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I wouldn't bother with the Story of O until after I'd read the others, though. It's less approachable, particularly if you're reading it cold (from a no interest standpoint). Only read it if you find something you enjoyed in the first three books.

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feel free to make as many bad jokes as you like and ill continue to feel free to post as i like. hows that ?

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ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

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ORIGINAL: sexyred1
Oh good, I was hoping to be the subblier of the two of us, LOL

Is it unsubbly that now I am picturing subby contests and winner doing a victory dance, chanting "I'm the subbliest! I'm more subbly than you, I'm more subbly than you!"?

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ORIGINAL: aphatjohnson

If being a dom doesn't work for you, why not try both of you being a switch or you being a switch???  Be a dom sometimes and being a sub sometimes.  She may like taking on the dominant role if you give her the chance.  That may give her enough satisfaction that it works.  You may find that if your not always expected to be the dom that it may be more enjoyable when you are.   A lot of people in the lifestyle label them selves as dominant or submissive but switch roles regularly depending on the partner or situation.