LafayetteLady
Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
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quote:
He said:
Don't get me wrong, I can be alert and responsive if I want, I just usually don't care to be.
Does it occur to you that this also means he really doesn't care to micromanage someone's activities? That he doesn't "care" to spend his time off from his job ordering his wife around? I guess not.
quote:
The only time that she is ever "in the mood" is when she reads the d/s stuff.
So she only wants to have sex AFTER she reads these types of books. Where is HER compromise in this marriage? Where do you see HER loving her husband enough to compromise for him? Or because she has discovered her "kinky" side, that is the only "need" that should be considered?
quote:
I want to make her happy, but to what expense do I do that? Do I spend the rest of my life living as a person that I clearly am not, or do I just not fulfill her fantasies?
Again, why should he have to forfeit all of his wants, needs and desires because she is kinky and he apparently isn't into it. He puts forth the effort, but she can tell he isn't that into it. Yes, you are really reaching with erectile dysfunction. "not that into it" doesn't necessarily refer to the sex. Perhaps as he is giving her the spanking she wants, she doesn't think he is ethusiastic enough in his strokes or as he is telling her what a "bad girl" she is or a "whore." Really though, let's just reach for him having trouble maintaining an erection. After all, we are all kinky at heart. Newsflash, some people aren't. The fact that he even engages in these activities with his wife contradicts your view that he is lazy.
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Living the life as the person that I am not will obviously work in my favor sexually, but not fulfilling her fantasies will leave me initiating if I ever want sex?"
Should he ALWAYS be the one to initiate sex? Isn't is nice to have your partner approach you sometimes wanting to have sex? Instead, this man is in a position where his wife only wants sex after reading a kinky novel, otherwise whether he initiates it or not, she isn't "in the mood." By the way, this is the basis for me saying that she isn't interested in the 24/7 D/s relationship. She is concerned with the kinky sex games, and if there aren't going to be kinky sex games, she isn't going to have sex at all. Yep, he's lazy, but she is perfectly in the right. He just needs to work harder at his marriage because if a person is kinky, their needs are the more important ones that must be met.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ranja
To me this post sounds like he just really does not care so much... like he states himself in the first bit i coloured red... i think he would prefer it really if his wife just stops reading the books that turn her on... but she still has to initiate sex.
If she really was all that submissive, then she should be really concerned about HIS needs, don't you think?
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ORIGINAL: ranja
She has given him all the reading material she thought might help him... but somehow i do not really think he has actually read any of it, but of course i might be wrong...
Of course he must not have read it because he didn't read it and immediately go "wow, this is the way I want to live my life and get rock hard from the material he couldn't have read it. Once someone sent me some essay on the joys of watersports. He thought that perhaps after reading it I would "understand" the beauty of someone pissing on me. I read it in its entirety. Didn't change my mind, didn't even give me a "tingle" of arousal. Does that mean that I'm "lazy" because I'm not into watersports and have no desire (no how, no way, not ever) to try them to please a partner?
quote:
ORIGINAL: ranja
The next bit i coloured red tells me he seems to think that he either has to pretend to be some hard Dom all the time (too much like hard work)... or totally none of the time (lazy)
He already is pretending to be a dom. He really isn't that into it, but he does it. Why? Because he loves his wife and wants to make her happy. Does she appreciate the efforts he puts forth? Nope, he needs to really get into it or she is going to complain. Every thing this man writes about his wife would label her a "do me sub" especially if she were male, but here, this guy doesn't get many kudos for trying to please his wife even though it isn't his thing, and instead, he should keep working harder at the game. If he doesn't, he just lazy. Sorry, I still say the fact that everything in this man's post is about his allegedly SUBMISSIVE wife wanting everything her way. Why has not ONE person said she is topping from the bottom, she is a do me sub? The only thing anyone sees is that this poor guy, who was away serving his country, now needs to "man up" and do whatever his submissive wife wants or let her find a dominant man to do it for him. Either way, this guy isn't going to have the marriage he had when he was deployed or the kind of sex HE finds fufilling.
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ORIGINAL: ranja
... it seems to me that a person should love their partner enough to want to make some effort at least some of the time... or indeed he might be lazy and can't he be bothered and perhaps he just wishes that she would just bloody stop reading the books?
And he made it very clear that he DOES make the effort to please his wife. He isn't enthusiastic enough about the activity to make her happy.
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ORIGINAL: ranja
Relationships change... she has an interest... she has told him about this interest... will he help her?
He already has "helped" her. He has been accomodating. Perhaps the more important question is does she even appreciate HIS feelings about the whole thing?
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ORIGINAL: ranja
Alternatively it could be that he has an erection problem and is somewhat ashamed about the whole difficult sex subject (i am totally reaching here) that might also explain his lack of interest perceived by his wife... but in my experience, BDSM is a perfect way to deal with that... because it is so much more than just fucking... and there are soooo many toys.... but again, if that is even the case, he has to face things and get off his butt.
Just curious, if he did have an erection problem, why then would he be wanting sex "his" way as well as hers? Let's say that he isn't getting "rock hard" during the activities. Does it occur to you that perhaps it is because he isn't turned on by it? If his wife was telling she wanted him to have sex with a man and he was trying to accomodate her and make her happy, but he had trouble getting it up for the guy, would you think that he had an erection problem? I don't think you would. While you say that BDSM is "so much more than just fucking," did you read his post really? Her interests in BDSM ARE all about the BDSM fucking.
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ORIGINAL: ranja
His last line really sounds like he is lazy to me... it sounds like he does like the sexual rewards that come with Domming his wife but really he can not be bothered to play her... if he ever wants sex...
Which sexual "rewards?" That his wife will fuck him if he does it her way? That isn't a reward at all. He wants to be able to please his wife in the ways that she wants, but he expects it to be reciprocated. That isn't lazy at all. And if you are thinking that he could be more "domly" by ordering her to do it, you truly do not get the point. He wants her to accept having vanilla sex in exchange him giving her kinky sex. She should appreciate the lengths this man is going to for her pleasure.
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ORIGINAL: ranja
it has been suggested he might allow her to look for a Dom outside the marriage... some people would beable to cope with that... also it has been suggested that he steps up to the mark.
Yes both those suggestions have been made. Even though there are many here who are involved in this lifestyle with the consent of their vanilla partners, most will tell you that they understand how it is the exception not the norm. Considering his wife's interests are pretty much based on the sexual aspects, it's asking a lot to think a spouse is going to accept their partner having sex with other people, especially when they aren't going to satisfy the needs of the spouse who is letting them get their needs met.
The whole "step up to the mark" stuff is childish and ignorant. If he isn't into it, he isn't into it. It doesn't make him a bad husband, it doesn't make him lazy.
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ORIGINAL: ranja
I think if he does not make more effort and he does not allow her to look for another... she is more likely to make a mistake if a temptation comes along (see the married people in the lifestyle thread) but maybe they can live with that.
Another bunch of bullshit. Spouses make commitments to each other and it is nothing but a poor excuse to say they can't resist temptation. Happens in the vanilla world all the time. "She seduced me," "He never pays me enough attention." Of course not when you are so busy catering to your own needs and being led around by your genitals that you can't honor your own commitments. I have nothing against those who had the conversation with their spouse and as a couple, they agreed that one or the other could have their involvements within the lifestyle that both were comfortable with. They sat down like adults, discussed what each needed, wanted and expected out of the relationship and reached a compromise. I applaud their ability to do that. However, I am far from the only one here who thinks that those who can't resist the temptation and cheat on their spouse have shown that they aren't trustworthy, and aren't loyal and commitments and promises and honesty only apply when it benefits them.
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ORIGINAL: ranja
Maybe her want for this kink will wane when she hits the change and he can go back to his armchair and continue with not bothering to care about anything.
The OP is 23 years old. Life is not all about kink. I wonder is this what your husband is hoping for with you?
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ORIGINAL: ranja
maybe she is waiting hand and foot on him, while he sits uncaring in his armchair... i don't know that...
You have made up your mind that he is just some lazy guy who sits in his armchair doing nothing because he has issues demeaning, humiliating, spanking or otherwise engaging in kinky sex with his wife. It really wouldn't matter what he was or wasn't doing, if he isn't developing into the uberdom ready to bow to his wife's wishes (you do understand the ridiculousness of that, right), he is lazy in your view.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ranja
... and honestly how much effort is it for him to order her to give him a foot massage... to have her kiss his feet... to stroke her head and tell her she is a good girl?
... in that scenario are they not both giving eachother a good time?... instead of her reading books about it and him clueless in his armchair probably watching telly.
Maybe the whole point is that he doesn't WANT to order his wife to do anything, can you even conceive of that? Not everyone wants their feet massaged or kissed, and NO it isn't a good time for everyone. But again, you have already decided that she wants to be the ultimate slave and he is just a lazy guy who isn't "stepping up" because he wants more from his marriage and his sex life than to accomodate his wife's sexual fantasies and get NOTHING in return.
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