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How would you react? - 1/21/2010 9:40:04 PM

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This post addresses all the Dominants, please consider the following scenario and give me your thoughts. Thank you. You have a strong, intelligent submissive you have been with for over a year. She has never hesitated or questioned you when asked to do anything, sexual or non-sexual. She trusts you so much, you have never needed a safe word. She adores you and shows it with every fiber of her being. You must play at hotels because you both have ums at home. She always arrives first, pays for the room and makes sure everything is in order before you arrive. Today, you asked her to do something and she hesitated, she questioned you. How do you respond?

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 9:44:35 PM

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You always pay for the room?

(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 9:45:08 PM

osf

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ask, listen, talk, find out why

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 9:48:21 PM

PrimalConsonance

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I agree with osf, and sounds like things were taken for granted and some communication is in order to adapt and if needed re-negotiate. Change is on the horizon....

_____________________________

AKA: CNJDom (types in black) and roselaure (types in Red)

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

(in reply to osf)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 10:10:22 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PrimalConsonance

I agree with osf, and sounds like things were taken for granted and some communication is in order to adapt and if needed re-negotiate. Change is on the horizon....

Thank you, I wonder what changes.....
I was scolded harshly, told I am not really submissive and now have been shut out completely.

(in reply to PrimalConsonance)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 10:16:19 PM

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quote:

I was scolded harshly, told I am not really submissive and now have been shut out completely.

That doesn't sound too good. Depending on the situation, a D who did that to me might find the "change" was him getting dumped.

_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 10:30:35 PM

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From: Kalamazoo, MI
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Was the question respectful? I'm not being facetious.

I am always allowed to ask a question if I need clarification. I never ask "why". I know that my Master has a good reason or he would not choose to have me do something. That is only in my dynamic, and others will differ, but the type of question makes a huge difference for us. Tone of voice does, too.

If you have never hesitated before and did not come across as bratty or trying to top from the bottom, then my guess is that he overreacted. If that is the case then he no longer had full control of yourself, and I do not trust someone who cannot control himself to control another well.

Also, there are times when we may be feeling one emotion that it comes across as another. When I was married my husband saw my "sad" face as an "angry" one. He projected his own anticipated reaction to something onto me. Say that you were feeling confused, or a little ill or tired, or under stress - whatever - it may have come across to him as doubt, purposeful disobedience, or disdain. Not everyone is good at picking up on the emotions of others.

You need to review in your mind not only how you felt and what you said but how his perceptions might have gone wrong. Then the two of you need to communicate. Know your reasons for hesitation without making any excuses for yourself. (That can be a very fine line.) I am sure that if he is a good Dom that he will remember how obedient you have been to him in the past and that he will realize that something must have been troubling you for you to ask questions for the first time.

_____________________________

(in reply to WyldHrt)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 10:41:45 PM

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If she is ALWAYS paying for things and is ALWAYS, doing everything, doesn't anyone have the feeling that she is just being used? Or is it just me and this guy is someone wonderful?

(in reply to chamberqueen)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 10:43:49 PM

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Could well be, FO, but there isn't really enough info to say one way or the other.

_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to ForeverOwned)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 10:45:42 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chicagoswitch

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrimalConsonance

I agree with osf, and sounds like things were taken for granted and some communication is in order to adapt and if needed re-negotiate. Change is on the horizon....

Thank you, I wonder what changes.....
I was scolded harshly, told I am not really submissive and now have been shut out completely.

I think osf had it down.

Being "shut out completely" strikes me as petty and immature. I don't expect life to be perfect nor for any two people to operate in perfect sync at all times. Any relationship, whether D/s or not requires communication and trust. I make clear early on that I expect honesty and openness. If something makes a submissive uncomfortable or concerned, I want to know. I can't handle what I don't know about and I'm not a mind reader.

Obviously if you're cut off you're not in a position to do this - but I would suggest following osf's advice. When you get a chance to talk, indicate that you know he's unhappy - that you didn't intend to make him unhappy - and that you want to work together to get past whatever the problem is - and then discuss what exactly bothered you and why you were unsure. Confident people typically don't mind answering questions or explaining themselves. It's often difficult to know what someone's reaction will be to anything. Even the simplest thing can provoke an extreme reaction if the person is question is claustrophobic or has past trauma.

If you don't get a chance to communicate - if you're totally cut off - then I'd suggest in the long run you were better off finding someone new anyway.

_____________________________

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 10:48:32 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chicagoswitch

I was scolded harshly, told I am not really submissive and now have been shut out completely.

Wow, what a passive-aggressive, shitty thing to say to someone.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 10:53:23 PM

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You are so right, WH. It's just that if i were with someone whom i paid for everything, did everything i was told and the first time i didn't do something he went balistic on me i don't think that it is a real "relationship" to this man. Sounds to me like he found someone to buy him a more expensive hotel room and wanted it over with her. Like you said, we don't have the whole story, but from what i have read so far it just doesn't seem right to me.

(in reply to WyldHrt)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 10:58:18 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ForeverOwned

You are so right, WH. It's just that if i were with someone whom i paid for everything, did everything i was told and the first time i didn't do something he went balistic on me i don't think that it is a real "relationship" to this man. Sounds to me like he found someone to buy him a more expensive hotel room and wanted it over with her. Like you said, we don't have the whole story, but from what i have read so far it just doesn't seem right to me.

He wanted me to do something that would require me to buy toys that would probably never be used again. Cost was a little over $100, I really did not feel I could afford to spend money unwisely. He said he understood when I told him I could not afford it, but still won't speak to me.

(in reply to ForeverOwned)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 11:02:12 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chicagoswitch

He wanted me to do something that would require me to buy toys that would probably never be used again. Cost was a little over $100, I really did not feel I could afford to spend money unwisely. He said he understood when I told him I could not afford it, but still won't speak to me.

Another passive-aggressive, manipulative tactic. This guy is not winning any brownie points.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 11:06:40 PM

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quote:

He wanted me to do something that would require me to buy toys that would probably never be used again. Cost was a little over $100, I really did not feel I could afford to spend money unwisely. He said he understood when I told him I could not afford it, but still won't speak to me.

Wow, ok it just went from bad to worse. Cali nailed it on both counts.

_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 11:12:18 PM

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To all the ladies......you are right. I knew in my heart he was being unreasonable. I suppose I just needed confirmation before deciding on a course of action. I don't post often, but I have read your posts in the past and have always appreciated your honesty and knowledge.

Again, thank you.

(in reply to WyldHrt)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 11:20:07 PM

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i wish you the best in what you decide. It's not easy, but as they say when one door closes another door opens.

(in reply to chicagoswitch)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 11:24:59 PM

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If a "dominant" man ever asked or told me to pay for a "room", I would laugh in his face and then probably put my fist in it.
If the world of men ever actually begins to pay women equally in the work force, then perhaps there could be more discussion about the issue.
My Rule # 1 is stay out of rooms.
If that is your thing then go for it but it sounds like a trash situation to me.
Men make more money so they can afford to pay for perks. You are already giving him a female thing to play with. If he didn't have a submissive
he would go and buy a prostitute or move on to the next girl because you really don't amout to much and the female paycheck is usually a
reflection of this .

(in reply to WyldHrt)

RE: How would you react? - 1/21/2010 11:30:37 PM

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Good luck. I hope you find somebody better that you deserve.

(in reply to belladevine)

RE: How would you react? - 1/22/2010 12:04:24 AM

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Wowweee...all i can say is that guy does NOT sound like a winner. I couldnt imagine having a relationship for over a year and over one "mild" episode like that just be shut out. That definately sounds like (to me) that he was looking for an excuse to end it, and he just picked that to be it.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do with this...

~MM

(in reply to winterlight)

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