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Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 6:51:47 AM

Posts: 60
Joined: 11/21/2009
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he ignored my safeword this weekend.
He says I have problems communicating my emotions, so he was trying to get me to cry and let things out...

he had me, with my face in his lap, a fist full of my hair and was caning my ass and back. He was picking me apart emotionally.
I was crying and begging for him to stop (hadnt used the safeword at this point), when he brought the cane down so hard. I screamed "RED" (our safeword) and backed away as far as I could, he grabbed me tighter by the hair, pulled me back to him, the whole time I was sobbing "you have to stop, I said Red" and he caned me harder saying that in this context, he couldnt becuase I was using the safeword to get control of him.

He also broke a hard limit of mine... and I let him. not becuase i wanted to serve and please him, but becuase I was afraid of what would happen to me if I didnt. :(
needless to say, its over. and I dont even want another Dom... the next man I get into anything with will be vanilla, I need someone tender at this point.

_____________________________

You pirate-hating-bitch! -Sir LR *giggles*

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:04:54 AM

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie

he ignored my safeword this weekend.
He says I have problems communicating my emotions, so he was trying to get me to cry and let things out...

he had me, with my face in his lap, a fist full of my hair and was caning my ass and back. He was picking me apart emotionally.
I was crying and begging for him to stop (hadnt used the safeword at this point), when he brought the cane down so hard. I screamed "RED" (our safeword) and backed away as far as I could, he grabbed me tighter by the hair, pulled me back to him, the whole time I was sobbing "you have to stop, I said Red" and he caned me harder saying that in this context, he couldnt becuase I was using the safeword to get control of him.

He also broke a hard limit of mine... and I let him. not becuase i wanted to serve and please him, but becuase I was afraid of what would happen to me if I didnt. :(
needless to say, its over. and I dont even want another Dom... the next man I get into anything with will be vanilla, I need someone tender at this point.

You won't believe how upset this makes me. i'm glad you figured this guy out and didn't stick around for more. Controlling someone with fear and ignoring your safeword is just plain abuse, no way around it. He didn't know what was best for you, he was feeding his own need to hurt with control - an abuser.

Be gentle with yourself, and realize that many vanilla men are abusers as well. And not all Doms are like this - i know many that are *very* tender and sweet in addition all of their more "Domly" traits.

Kudos to you for getting out of this. May i ask what you're going to do with the flogger you made?

Hugs,
julie

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to TapedxCookie)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:07:33 AM

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Sorry OP, but you had pages and pages of advice for you warning you about him and his disinterest in what you had to say.

I am surprised you are not in the hospital, honestly. I would not run to a vanilla man immediately, as it is YOU who has the work to do on yourself, and it is not the men you are picking, it is you who are picking them.

(in reply to UniqueRaven)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:14:26 AM

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Joined: 11/21/2009
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Julie- i already gave it to him. and yes, it hurt alot.

I do have to go back, becuase I forgot some stuff... but a good friend of mine is going with to make sure he doesnt touch me.

_____________________________

You pirate-hating-bitch! -Sir LR *giggles*

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:19:44 AM

Posts: 11766
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quote:

the next man I get into anything with will be vanilla, I need someone tender at this point.

it has been this slave's experience that "vanilla" isn't a "safeword", either. abusive pricks and predators can be found claiming all manner of orientations and lifestyles. the guy this slave was in a vanilla relationship with who wanted to end her life didn't call himself a Dom...he called himself a "lover".

by the way, PLEASE tell and re-tell the story you have told us here of the lesson that you learned about safewords...rely on safe people, not "safe-words".

(in reply to TapedxCookie)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:24:31 AM

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Joined: 2/4/2010
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Oh jeez, you need hugs... you need time and tenderness. I can't believe someone who would do that would have the nerve to call themselves a master. That's not what a master does, that's what an abuser does. The others have a point though. This had nothing to do with BDSM, the man was an abuser, and abusers are the same if they're vanila, "dom", or even "sub".

I don't really know what else to say, so... I guess my thoughts and emotions go out to you. *Internet hug*

< Message edited by LeBlueDude -- 2/8/2010 7:27:03 AM >

(in reply to TapedxCookie)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:24:36 AM

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Please pay close attention to what Beth is saying.

The problem with the man in question has very little, if anything, to do with his being a dominant into BDSM. It has everything to do with him being an abuser and you, yes YOU, choosing to get involved with him. Unless you figure out what drew you to this man you will repeat the relationship errors with a vanilla man. As Beth said, abusers are not defined by BDSM or lack thereof.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:27:03 AM

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OP, I am sooooooo sorry to hear that...I can only agree with Beth...they can exist anywhere its just about being careful in choosing with whom to be...after all...the guys who did not keep their normal distance when I was a kid were also just "lovely caring family dads"

...so its not about Dom or not Dom or Vanilla instead...it is about the person you get involved with...I am glad to hear that you don't go on your own to pick up whatever you forgot and hope you will do well in your personal recovery...(((hugs)))

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RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:31:37 AM

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Oh, Taped...I'm so sorry.

My advice to you now is go take some time for yourself. Sit down, figure out what you want, stick to your guns and don't take the first sweet talker that comes along.

My suggestion would also be to cut off communication completely. Do not accept his promises that he will change. Do not have phone calls, emails or conversations with him.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 2/8/2010 7:34:10 AM >

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:34:45 AM

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Crap. I was hoping that something like this wouildn't happen.

I'm glad that you're physically okay now. Get pics taken of the damage in case you decide to press charges. Or if you're tempted to go back.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:36:36 AM

LinnaeaBorealis

Posts: 8595
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From: Insanity & beyond
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Please learn from this experience. You need time to sort things out for yourself right now. You don't need a vanilla or any other kind of man to be tender with you. You need to be tender with yourself. You need to heal & jumping into another relationship won't help you with that. Next time, please listen to the advice that you receive. I too am sorry that you had to learn in this manner.

_____________________________

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
~~L. Cohen

Just one of the yahoo's

(in reply to TapedxCookie)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:36:57 AM

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Joined: 11/21/2009
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What attracted me to him in the first place is how he would always get inside of my head and fish out things that I tried to hide away. it was always like "Dammit!.... do it again" a total Mind-Fuck. That and his sense of humor. Also, he would regularly have me laughing so hard for so long. He does have a great sense of humor.

anyways.. yes, I am fully aware that I am broken and need to fix myself. Believe me, that was beat into me over and over and over by this man.

Also, by saying that the next man I will be with will be tender and stuff.. thats not saying that im looking to start up another relationship right away, absolutly not. I need time.

_____________________________

You pirate-hating-bitch! -Sir LR *giggles*

(in reply to Phoenixpower)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:43:06 AM

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Using fast reply......

I just wanted to add, in case my typical, to the point, method of communicating, came across wrong.

I was not trying to say it is "all your fault". It is obvious you are hurting both physically and emotionally and for that I extend my sympathy. It is just that I have seen way too many women, and not one BDSM as far as I am aware, go from one abuser to another. It is not the woman's fault the man is an abuser, but there is something in the women that draws them to the men with that quality. I just wanted to emphasize what Beth was saying. Just because a guy is vanilla is ZERO guarantee he will not be an abusive asshole. And the chances of you becoming drawn to one are probably pretty huge. I think it is better to heal, do some introspection, perhaps even counseling but definitely try to understand what drew you to that type so that, when you are ready for a healthy relationship, you will not repeat the past.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:45:20 AM

HisSweetElysium

Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline

I am very sorry this happened to you. You're not alone in making a bad judgment call starting out. Try to be kind to yourself, and know going forward you deserve the time to get to know someone before taking things to a more intimate level, vanilla or no. Any guy worth having will be patient and give you that respect. Hugs

_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

(in reply to TapedxCookie)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:46:56 AM

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Joined: 4/21/2006
Status: offline

Just be careful when you go to get your stuff. You may want to take more than one friend with you. And don't get into any discussions while you are there. Just get your stuff and go and if there is something he won't give you, leave it.

(in reply to TapedxCookie)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:49:02 AM

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Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
rely on safe people, not "safe-words".

Yes yes yes! What good is a stop sign if your "partner" has no desire to read it?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:53:43 AM

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previously he had listened to the safeword. The last time that I had safeworded he had been spanking me with something and I said our safe word. I heard whatever it was hit the floor and his arms were around me, holding me and he kissed the top of my head and told me that everything was okay, the pain was gone.

btw - I see that waterfall pic everytime I log into CM. hehe your like 40 miles from me...

_____________________________

You pirate-hating-bitch! -Sir LR *giggles*

(in reply to RedMagic1)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:55:02 AM

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie

What attracted me to him in the first place is how he would always get inside of my head and fish out things that I tried to hide away. it was always like "Dammit!.... do it again" a total Mind-Fuck.

i used to be like this too - in some way i needed my Master to know more about me than i knew about myself.

With time and experience i realized that i needed to figure myself out, and be able to express myself and my emotions to my Owner clearly and as completely as possible - and that he isn't "higher" or "better" than me, he is just the "other half" of me - in my Owner/property relationship.

i suggest you really look at this, because even though it is fun, ultimately it isn't healthy. And it could be a need that is creating a scenario for you where you are choosing men that are manipulative and abusive.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to TapedxCookie)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 7:57:14 AM

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie
I see that waterfall pic everytime I log into CM. hehe your like 40 miles from me...

If you drive to me, I'll buy you lunch. Platonic only, no possibility of play. I'd be happy to meet you, if you put in some of the effort. We can talk about this thread, or something totally different.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to TapedxCookie)

RE: Well, you all were right about him... - 2/8/2010 8:00:32 AM

Posts: 60
Joined: 11/21/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie
I see that waterfall pic everytime I log into CM. hehe your like 40 miles from me...

If you drive to me, I'll buy you lunch. Platonic only, no possibility of play. I'd be happy to meet you, if you put in some of the effort. We can talk about this thread, or something totally different.

lol we'll see... im a bit apprehensive of anything and everything new right now. It feels nice to sit back and relax (at least while the emotional and physical wounds heal) in what things were like before getting involved with Captain Jackass.

_____________________________

You pirate-hating-bitch! -Sir LR *giggles*

(in reply to RedMagic1)

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