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Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Relation... - 2/10/2010 5:17:19 PM

SwitchInAdelaide

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/29/2009
Status: offline

Greetings All,

Both my partner and I are Switches, both in regular life and in the bedroom.

Recently my partner has become quite depressed and lost.
She is quite overweight (hates her own image), has few local friends and cannot find work.
Our sex life has pretty much dropped to 0, which is very strange since normally she cant get enough.
She became so depressed/distraught a few days ago (first time ive seen her like this) that she asked me to leave her alone so she could hurt herself, which of course i didnt.
I am trying to cheer her up and get her motivated but it is very difficult :(

I am trying to decide if enforcing a Master (me) / Sub relationship would help her.
I would collar her, possibly write up a sub/slave contract, then go about setting her tasks, rewards, punishments, etc.

We do live together, and as i work from home, and she isnt working, we are around each other almost 24/7.

I think she would take to it quite well on the short term, but im not sure about longterm (which may be required).
I think i will find it very difficult to maintain the Master role however...

So, im looking for people with experience in such matters to give their opinions.
Will this work? Could it make things worse? Why?

Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer!

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 5:25:05 PM

Kaiel

Posts: 748
Joined: 4/17/2007
Status: offline

My professional opinion (I am a therapist) is the best thing you could do is have her seek psychiatric (mental health) help! Loving someone offers great support....however, your partner seems to be suffering from a myriad of issues that are probably best addressed by a therapist or counselor. you mentioned weight issues, esteem issues, unemployment all of those factors can really affect the psyche and sex drive... maybe speaking with someone outside the relationship would help?!Also, when someone is threatening to hurt themselves, it should never be taken lightly.

I think you showing her additional commitment in the form of a contract and collar may offer a "bandaid fix"... However, depression is internal, which means SHE needs to do the work internally then changes will reflect her changes externally. I hope you all find some answers.

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(in reply to SwitchInAdelaide)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 5:25:23 PM

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

I have depressed partner experience and I'm going to suggest the only thing you can do is get her some professional help. I don't think for a minute you being the master is going to take care of this. It sounds rather serious.. not just a bad day, and not just the blues for a bit -- please help her to seek help -- as her partner that cares for her and nothing more.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SwitchInAdelaide

Greetings All,

Both my partner and I are Switches, both in regular life and in the bedroom.

Recently my partner has become quite depressed and lost.
She is quite overweight (hates her own image), has few local friends and cannot find work.
Our sex life has pretty much dropped to 0, which is very strange since normally she cant get enough.
She became so depressed/distraught a few days ago (first time ive seen her like this) that she asked me to leave her alone so she could hurt herself, which of course i didnt.
I am trying to cheer her up and get her motivated but it is very difficult :(

I am trying to decide if enforcing a Master (me) / Sub relationship would help her.
I would collar her, possibly write up a sub/slave contract, then go about setting her tasks, rewards, punishments, etc.

We do live together, and as i work from home, and she isnt working, we are around each other almost 24/7.

I think she would take to it quite well on the short term, but im not sure about longterm (which may be required).
I think i will find it very difficult to maintain the Master role however...

So, im looking for people with experience in such matters to give their opinions.
Will this work? Could it make things worse? Why?

Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer!

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to SwitchInAdelaide)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 5:25:53 PM

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
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Serious answer? An M/s relationship won;t help as I see it. If this is a serious as you make it sound, this isn't a bit of a downer that she can be "slapped" out of.

She is your partner, tell her you love her and then take her to see a counselor. If she resists, insist!

The M/s has nothing to do with it, insist as her caring partner. If the first counselor doesn't help, find another or another.

If this is serious mental illness, treat it as such. If she had cancer would a list of chores help that?

Jeff

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(in reply to SwitchInAdelaide)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 5:26:13 PM

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Forget the kink and relationship dynamic for awhile and get her medical help and therapy from a licensed therapist.

Stop using bdsm or M/s or D/s as therapy.

(in reply to SwitchInAdelaide)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 5:26:14 PM

Kaiel

Posts: 748
Joined: 4/17/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

I have depressed partner experience and I'm going to suggest the only thing you can do is get her some professional help. I don't think for a minute you being the master is going to take care of this. It sounds rather serious.. not just a bad day, and not just the blues for a bit -- please help her to seek help -- as her partner that cares for her and nothing more.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SwitchInAdelaide

Greetings All,

Both my partner and I are Switches, both in regular life and in the bedroom.

Recently my partner has become quite depressed and lost.
She is quite overweight (hates her own image), has few local friends and cannot find work.
Our sex life has pretty much dropped to 0, which is very strange since normally she cant get enough.
She became so depressed/distraught a few days ago (first time ive seen her like this) that she asked me to leave her alone so she could hurt herself, which of course i didnt.
I am trying to cheer her up and get her motivated but it is very difficult :(

I am trying to decide if enforcing a Master (me) / Sub relationship would help her.
I would collar her, possibly write up a sub/slave contract, then go about setting her tasks, rewards, punishments, etc.

We do live together, and as i work from home, and she isnt working, we are around each other almost 24/7.

I think she would take to it quite well on the short term, but im not sure about longterm (which may be required).
I think i will find it very difficult to maintain the Master role however...

So, im looking for people with experience in such matters to give their opinions.
Will this work? Could it make things worse? Why?

Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer!

I totally agree with Madame4a!! Good luck OP

_____________________________

I keep My expectations and thread counts high- "catitude"

(in reply to Madame4a)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 5:32:15 PM

Posts: 119
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline

As all on here, I encourage you to assist her in finding a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist. AND if she threatens to hurt herself again...take her to the ER. Most people will talk about self harm or suicide before they do it, and if they are talking about it...they're definitely thinking about it.

(in reply to Kaiel)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 5:33:36 PM

SwitchInAdelaide

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/29/2009
Status: offline

Well im not sure yet if this is a long term problem or not.
She is not normally a depressed person, she doesnt have a history with it.
While she did threaten to harm herself, she did a little later mention that she would never do that.

What set it off a few days ago was her fave (and last) pair of stockings ran while trying to pull them high enough for her garter belt.
This set off the "i cant look sexy anymore", and it went from there.
Before this she was ok, and since then she has got better.

Im thinking/hoping that enforcing a M/S relationship will give her a bit of a kick-start.

BTW, yes professional help for her would be great, but we are broke and dont have the $$s to pay for it :(

(in reply to Madame4a)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 5:35:48 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

It's great that you care so much about your partner's welfare that you're willing to change your status quo in order to help her. I'm not sure a full-time M/s relationship is the way to go, though. What you're doing is changing things on a superficial level, but this doesn't address the underlying problem -- her depression. Unless you're a professional therapist, I think you're setting yourself up for failure and frustration. She has to want to fix herself from the inside out. She may need therapy to resolve her issues or medication in order to treat her symptoms until that happens.

I suggest you put aside any notion of a M/s relationship for now, and encourage her to see a counselor. There may be other issues, besides her weight and unemployment, of which you're not aware, that are bothering her. The fact that she's having thoughts of harming herself says that there are bigger issues here than you're probably prepared to handle. I wish you the best of luck. Overcoming depression is a process. She's going to need your strength and support during this time.

ETA: If your budget is tight, check with your local health department. They may be able to recommend a therapist who will work on a sliding scale, so the fees will fit your budget. You can also check with nearby universities to see if their psychology program has a graduate level course that requires students to counsel clients. If so, the university will be considerably less expensive.

< Message edited by SylvereApLeanan -- 2/10/2010 5:41:04 PM >

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(in reply to SwitchInAdelaide)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 5:40:57 PM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Changing your relationship is not the way to handle depression, an addiction, or any other physical or mental health issue. She's not going to feel sexy because you order her to or because you want to be in control to avoid her being upset.

She needs to feel better about herself. She needs to take the steps so that she will. Counseling should be a start in that.

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RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 5:48:12 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SwitchInAdelaide
What set it off a few days ago was her fave (and last) pair of stockings ran while trying to pull them high enough for her garter belt.
This set off the "i cant look sexy anymore", and it went from there.
Before this she was ok, and since then she has got better.

So she's been under a lot of stress, and just snapped, and let off steam, and she's feeling better now.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to SwitchInAdelaide)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 5:54:08 PM

SwitchInAdelaide

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Joined: 12/29/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
So she's been under a lot of stress, and just snapped, and let off steam, and she's feeling better now.

Well, yes... in some ways.

She does seem better so far today.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 5:57:00 PM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
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Manic-depression aka Bi-polar disorder runs in cycles. For awhile the person is 'up' or manic, then for awhile they are 'down' or depressed. These cycles can be for a short duration, a few months at a time, or for a longer duration a few years. It varies upon the person and how deeply they suffer.

I'm not saying she is manic-depressive, but she should speak with a professional to determine one way or another. If she is, some medications may be helpful in keeping her more balanced.

If she isn't manic-depressive and this is just a big blow due to job loss and the resulted self esteem issues that come with job loss, it is still good for her to speak with a therapist, to help get her refocused and back on track. There are often locations that provide therapy on a sliding scale fee - check with your local health department or department of social services to see if they have a resource list.

Insisting on M/s at this point would likely not be effective. She may view that as another failure on her behalf - that she has become so weak she no longer has any say in things. That could devastate her more. Don't just pick up the role of Master without discussing it with her first since you currently do not have that type of dynamic.

Do continue to be supportive, she really needs your strength at this moment. I wish you both the best and hope she pulls through and returns to her previous happy healthy person.

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RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 5:59:59 PM

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She needs something to do.

Does she have any purpose in life? People go nuts if they are living lives they consider not worth living. What is she doing with her time if she is not employed?

Unemployed people often feel unneeded, useless, and generally like shit. "The world doesn't want me, so I must be good for nothing." Help her figure out something constructive she can do with her time. Not just hobbies, and not just helping you. Something outside the two of you. Volunteer work, for example.

A friend of mine was downsized today. I'll be meeting with her Sunday, and telling her some of these same things. Good luck.

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RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 6:06:50 PM

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OP, I have a very similar situation. Look for mail on the other side

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RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 6:08:53 PM

SwitchInAdelaide

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Joined: 12/29/2009
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She is an artist (degree) and currently cannot practice due to having no studio... this is what she wants to do in life.
She is applying for office work, but has got very few replies and no interviews as yet.
So things are quite bleak for her at the moment :(

(in reply to RedMagic1)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 6:11:55 PM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

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From: Portland Metro, Oregon
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Do you have a small area where she can set up a workable space for her art? Sure it may not be a studio, but if it is quiet and she can concentrate, and there is sufficient room for her supplies, it's a starting point.

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RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 6:12:00 PM

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Please do not go the route of no money; nothing we can do. There are places that can help in most cities. When someone has threatened harming themselves, it is not the time to play dominant knight, there to save the day. Some might try and it might work, but what happens if it doesn't work?

I live every single moment of every day for the last four years after the threats to harm and the promises of he wouldn't really do it and he did. His life was ruined and mine changed in ways I surely never expected. He died, was brought back and now... needs a caregiver twenty four/seven/for life. It has been hell. Just don't let it happen if you can prevent it. Take it seriously!

My best to you both!

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RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 6:12:20 PM

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* I concur with what other have posted about her getting professional help.

In regards to an M/s relationship dynamic between you two, being of any help? I don't see where it would hurt. It may or may not be of any help. Again M/s is no replacement for professional help.

With that said, a M/s dynamic may be of some help. However, your role would become that of a Couch, or a motivational role. Structure tends to make a big difference in many people's lives. So does having goals, tasks, dreams, ambitions and goals. If these things are currently lacking.

An M/s dynamic may be of some benefit. To what extent remains questionable. I do not suspect, nor believe it would hurt thngs per se.

I have a good idea that you know a lot about the nature of her issues. This is assuming that she shares things with you to a certain depth.

I will add, that hanging out around the house and not getting out, socializing and doing things makes a big difference. Be it going to Art Galleries, Concerts, Museums... interesting places. What is truely amazing is the amount of things that goes on in people's own backyards that they are unaware about. Your local Chamber of Commerce often maintains a list of events going on in your local area.

While getting out of the house might not be the total solution, it does and can mentally help. Even more so if you hardly get out. Again, hanging around the house 24/7 week after week does become rather depressing. Doing things that engage the mind and require walking and physical moment, does help some.

Social changes can be helpful as well. If the company you guys keep is depressing, or drags you down with a lot of drama. Meeting and making new friends that don't have such a negative impact will help some.

Again, all these things are no substitution for professional help. However, they can be of some help.

If you want to step up to the plate and be the DOM. It's up to you to find directions to make positive changes in both yours and hers life, lifestyles or otherwise day to day living.

I shared with you some examples of things to try. Often at times, just sitting around trying to get her to talk about all her problems, mentally places her focus upon all her problems and that can be a downer. Sort of depressive in itself. It's good to talk about it. But trying to over talk it to death does no good. It's when people stop talking and start doing things, where it counts.

As much as everybody has given the thoughts of you going M/s two thumbs down. I say why not? It just might be of some help. Don't expect for it to be the Ultimate solution and cure.

If you guys don't have much in the way of structure or routines around the house established, this might be a contributing factor.

Again, I concur with what others have posted about her getting professional help.

- Be well and good luck

(in reply to SwitchInAdelaide)

RE: Serious Lost & Depressed Partner - Could a M/S Rela... - 2/10/2010 6:22:31 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SwitchInAdelaide

She is an artist (degree) and currently cannot practice due to having no studio... this is what she wants to do in life.
She is applying for office work, but has got very few replies and no interviews as yet.
So things are quite bleak for her at the moment :(

Think outside the box some here. She's an artist, what is something artistic she can do from home without a studio to perhaps make a few extra $$$. Many people are having to come up with creative ways to use their skills to make money now days.

If you have to, turn this thought upside down and inside out and come up with a list of ideas.

(in reply to SwitchInAdelaide)

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