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RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 12:29:55 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lobodomslavery

i think Stilletto boots are dominant domme, clunky boots are lenient Domme to me, there is also good Domme bad domme malevolent Domme and domme domme thank you Domme
kevin

Take your femdom one two three,
Hold her tight and step to the right!

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Post #: 61

RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 12:34:21 PM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum
So my question is that is asserting my dominance during a vanilla meeting a must? I haven't met too many people just for conversation, so i really don't know if there is something i'm just not getting.

No, it is not a must... nothing is a must. Me personally, I'm not very impressed with either party in this story. What would've been "appropriate" in my book is at his first outburst for you to quietly and calmly stand up, and say, "Thank you very much for your time but I don't think we are compatible" then exit with grace and dignity.

And whether or not this is appropriate in the fem-domme world I have no idea. But when I'm meeting a submissive, I'm pretty much just me. I don't do any subtle tests... there are plenty of just regular opportunities for me to assess what I'm looking for. Often times for me it's as simple as things like "who directed the flow of the conversation?" Insofar as what THEY are looking for, anyone who needs some sort of overt sign isn't going to be the type of sub I'm looking for. I'm generally looking for people who just submit in the absence of any sort of obvious "submission opportunity". In fact, I quite deliberately don't give such opportunities. I don't want them to "flip into submissive mode". I want to see if submissive is just how they are... no "flip" required.

All of which makes me think that there probably isn't any "way". There is only what works to find the people YOU want.

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Post #: 62

RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 12:42:02 PM

Rochsub2009

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

i would agree with you- but femdomme porn contains sex quite frequently or the "domme" being ejaculated on. yeah....no thanks.

Does it? Personally, i never watch it, so i didn't even know that. But i still stand behind my point about market research. You simply don't have to incorporate ALL of the things shown in the porn. But it's probably good to know that many of your customers expect you to let them cum on you (though it doesn't mean that you have to let them).

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Post #: 63

RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 12:43:36 PM

Wheldrake

Posts: 477
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009]
Actually, since you are both a lifestyle Domme and a pro-Domme, you may want to spend MORE time watching femDom porn. As a pro-Domme, you are a fantasy provider. Doesn't it make sense to have a good understanding of the fantasies that the majority of your clients have been raised on? 90% of their fantasies comes from that porn that you despise.

As crazy as it may sound, watching that porn is actually good market research. Just like in any business, you have to understand your customers' wants and needs. Most of them want what they've seen in the porn.

It's a bit of a tangent, but I'm honestly not so sure this would be a good strategy for a pro-Domme. She would become more familiar with femdom porn cliches, but surely original ideas and a distinctive style are what she would really need to distinguish her from every other pro in the business. Sometimes 'market research' just breeds conformity, when so many people are actually craving novelty and authenticity. Just a thought.

Anyway, and more on topic, I always appreciate seeing hints of dominance shine through in a vanilla setting, but I agree with everyone else that a submissive who expects a near-stranger to make him eat a scone under the table in Starbucks is being ridiculous.

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RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 12:49:50 PM

Rochsub2009

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wheldrake

It's a bit of a tangent, but I'm honestly not so sure this would be a good strategy for a pro-Domme. She would become more familiar with femdom porn cliches, but surely original ideas and a distinctive style are what she would really need to distinguish her from every other pro in the business. Sometimes 'market research' just breeds conformity, when so many people are actually craving novelty and authenticity. Just a thought.

i see your point, and i think it's a good one. i meet far to many "Dommes" who are cookie cutter cliches of what they think a Domme should be. However, if we are talking about a pro-Domme, it is probably good to at least be aware of what your target market desires. That doesn't prevent her from adding her own originality as well. The two things aren't mutually exclusive.

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Post #: 65

RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 1:00:29 PM

LadyNTrainer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wheldrake
I agree with everyone else that a submissive who expects a near-stranger to make him eat a scone under the table in Starbucks is being ridiculous.

It's beyond ridiculous and well on its way to criminal behavior. Families and kids go to Starbuck's, and they have the right not to be exposed to an S&M play party environment.

I would have simply explained that if he was not able to understand that sane adults do not do these things with strangers in a public restaurant, we had nothing further to talk about. I would leave without engaging further and state that I did not consent to any further contact or conversation, our interaction was over. If he persisted in following me or speaking to me, I would call the manager or the police and report an insane person harassing me. Someone with those expectations is not sane or mentally stable, and frankly I'd put him in the possibly dangerous category.

Even if he was just jerking you around in the hopes of being humiliated, by speaking that loudly he involved innocent bystanders and possibly their children in his scene. That is so far beyond not okay that it borders on criminal behavior, and there should be a zero tolerance for that in our community. Kink between consenting adults is fine and dandy. Involve bystanders who didn't consent, and it's really not cool any more. Involve their kids, and you should probably be up on charges. That's my 0.02 for whatever it's worth.

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Post #: 66

RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 1:03:36 PM

LadyNTrainer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

i would agree with you- but femdomme porn contains sex quite frequently or the "domme" being ejaculated on. yeah....no thanks.

Really? I should watch more of it then; that sounds kind of hot. It's the sex negative stuff I don't like at all, where the beautiful, wonderful and incredibly hot sexuality of the male submissive is ignored or degraded instead of being appreciated, used and thoroughly enjoyed by the dominant female.

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RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 1:11:27 PM

blackpearl81

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

ORIGINAL: lobodomslavery

i think Stilletto boots are dominant domme, clunky boots are lenient Domme to me, there is also good Domme bad domme malevolent Domme and domme domme thank you Domme
kevin

Take your femdom one two three,
Hold her tight and step to the right!

Come on up, but check her lining
Keep it shut, with no more whining!

cracking whips, don't you give Her any lip!
It's a shin-dig don't you know? lift her up and dosey doe!

=o/ lmao

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RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 2:32:14 PM

lobodomslavery

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yup yup yup yup yup yup. yup yup yup yup yup yup. Miss Asylum on the up. yup yup yup yup. yup. im good good good good good good good good bad yup yup yup
kevin

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RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 2:46:21 PM

lobodomslavery

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Miss Asylum i love You
hugs and kisses
kevin
xxxx

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RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 2:52:01 PM

VaguelyCurious

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lobodomslavery

Miss Asylum i love You
hugs and kisses
kevin
xxxx

Hey, Bedlam Lady:

Creepiest thing you've ever read?

y/n?

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RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 2:57:04 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

Come on up, but check her lining
Keep it shut, with no more whining!

cracking whips, don't you give Her any lip!
It's a shin-dig don't you know? lift her up and dosey doe!

Those barn dances have changed a bit since the days of The Waltons, haven't they? Yes Sirree!

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RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 3:02:34 PM

lobodomslavery

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Your cute princess
kevin

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RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 3:03:53 PM

domiguy

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I have never had anything like this happen to me.

I can only assume that you are a horrible judge of character.

That has got to be it! It is the only explanation that makes sense and it also explains why you would ever consider blocking someone as sweet as lil' ol' me.

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RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 3:07:42 PM

blackpearl81

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

Those barn dances have changed a bit since the days of The Waltons, haven't they? Yes Sirree!

No kiddin!

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RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 3:31:32 PM

PeonForHer

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FR

Miss Asylum,

Apologies for not taking this as seriously as, perhaps, I should. It's just that it all seems so nutty to me. You and he exchanged messages and phone conversations - plural - before meeting. Over three months, as well. You didn't, presumably, seem 'too nice' to him when you and he spoke by text/email, nor even on the phone. Your main pic - your avatar - isn't 'dommely' in any stereotypical sense. It's vanilla to the point of quite girly, really.

Yet, he expects you to 'act dommely' when he meets you? And this is a sub who is expecting to meet you, as prearranged, in a vanilla context, and with a view to a relationship, not to partake of your pro-domme services?

Lastly, I've heard that submales will suddenly decide that a woman 'isn't dommely enough'. That's dismal and depressing. Every femdom I know has a story of meeting a submale who has hit her with that kind of line at some point in her life. Submales tend to be on the shy side and are likely to be timid when they first meet a domme, or so I hear. Hell, most vanillas are bit nervous when they first meet as potential partners. This one, though, was so much the opposite of shy that he was able to bellow out 'YOU'RE A FAKE' in a Starbuck's cafe. And he managed to keep all of that hidden from you during your messages and phone calls beforehand. In fact, he 'was as sweet as can be' . . . .

You threw hot coffee - too hot for you to drink, as you say - on his groin. I can't say that would induce a stiffy in me, despite the fact that I'm into humiliation. It would make me shout out in pain, in fact. Yet, though he'd claimed beforehand that he wasn't into public humiliation, he got a 'ragging erection'.

I don't know. This isn't a story of how real, or stable, people act. Not in my (possibly narrow) experience, anyway. I'm not sure that you need to develop any 'long-term policy' because this all sounds just too rare an occurrence to be worth the bother.

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RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 3:41:24 PM

VaguelyCurious

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kevin: do not call me princess.

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RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 3:44:28 PM

MissAsylum

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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: lobodomslavery

Miss Asylum i love You
hugs and kisses
kevin
xxxx

Hey, Bedlam Lady:

Creepiest thing you've ever read?

y/n?

YYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

*throws up in mouth a little*

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RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 3:53:16 PM

MissAsylum

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imagine how it would be if you were there.

there was an air of surrealism to the whole thing-like "how the hell is this happening to me? in the middle of Starbucks?!?"

he has since called to apologize repeatedly, which prompted me to change my number and i blocked him on here.

you're right- i don't go to great lengths to appear as a domme. i am a human first and above anything else. My dominance comes in through my personality when the time comes.

I'm not going to get all domme-y in public as i suppose he wanted. maybe if i would have carried a retractable riding crop in my purse and have whipped it out on the barista had she gotten my order wrong he would have been peachy about it. who knows?

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RE: Overt Dominance During A Vanilla Encounter - 5/21/2010 4:03:46 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

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From: West Virginia, USA
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quote:

I told him "i am a human first, so forgive me if i like to have nice, meaningful conversation." with it seeming like i had said nothing, he replied in a VERY snarky and LOUD manner, "You're not a domme! If you were, i'd be eating this fucking scone under the table like a dog! Am i? NO- YOU ARE A FUCKING FAKE!"

Mind you- this is in the middle of a crowded Starbucks in downtown Baltimore. I have no shame in what i am- but I'm not a fan of anybody causing a scene and having me involved.

If that wasnt enough- he yelled for me to give me the money he spent on my coffee and that he dosn't give freebies out to desperate and pathetic women. i didnt even drink any of it- it was too hot.

You did nothing to bring this on yourself. Trying to pacify him so he'd not holler quite so loudly wouldn't have changed anything.

Since nothing you did made you deserve being treated this way, then there's nothing you can do to prevent it from happening again; he wasn't yours, you couldn't control anyone's behavior other than your own. (Aside from developing phenomenal psychic powers overnight and knowing when NOT to have a "clearly spelled out" vanilla meetup.) He got what he wanted from you.

quote:

So my question is that is asserting my dominance during a vanilla meeting a must? I haven't met too many people just for conversation, so i really don't know if there is something i'm just not getting.

I've met a few dozen from CollarMe, and nobody has behaved too far out of line that I couldn't laugh it off. You shouldn't have to "get" something like this. If you want to get to know someone first...would you want to waste any time on someone who won't at least have good manners and be a thoughtful person? You don't need to change your ways to be more deserving of respect. Anyone who would behave like this in a public place...he's too beneath you.

I know this sounds so cliche, but...be true to yourself.

Would you feel that adding even subtly done dominance into a first meeting is right for you? Either way...stand your ground and do what feels right.

About the coffee...well, maybe this light burn he endured will save his life someday. If he chooses to learn something from it.

Think about it. He is meeting strangers from the internet then getting very loud and abusive...and his safety is entirely dependent on hoping that his victims won't retaliate in a nonverbal manner.

To end on a light note...wouldn't it be funny if his boss had been there somewhere and he hadn't noticed? His wife's or girlfriend's dear friend? His mother's hair dresser?