RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (Full Version)

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Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/8/2006 10:25:04 PM)

quote:

I keep having these funny little weeds growing in my backyard. The kids next door used to come and pick them for free but the cops came and took them away. Now what do I do??


I would sue the police.


When I took out the trash tonight there were two cats humping in the dumpster. I didn't want to disturb them but I had to throw away my trash. Is there any way that I can figure out if the cats are dumpster diving BEFORE I walk a block to the dumpster?



Vendaval -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/8/2006 11:47:08 PM)

Rig up a baby monitor and a walkie-talkie unit.  That way you can
listen to the cats, chat them up, and ask them if they want tuna
before or after spraying all over the wall.
 
The chain on my favorite necklace broke.  I bought another one
to replace it and that one gets tangled in my hair at the back of
my neck.  What should I do?
 
Vendaval

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge

When I took out the trash tonight there were two cats humping in the dumpster. I didn't want to disturb them but I had to throw away my trash. Is there any way that I can figure out if the cats are dumpster diving BEFORE I walk a block to the dumpster?



juliaoceania -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/9/2006 12:55:48 AM)

The chain on my favorite necklace broke.  I bought another one
to replace it and that one gets tangled in my hair at the back of
my neck.  What should I do? 
 
Have the chain welded on permanently after you have shaved off all your hair. This problem needs to be addressed from every angle.



My teenager stayed out all night, what should I do?



tade -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/9/2006 11:24:04 AM)

Get a new one...They're all over the place.

I think my garden gnomes are plotting against me. How do I get them onto my side?



Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/9/2006 2:07:30 PM)

quote:

I think my garden gnomes are plotting against me. How do I get them onto my side?


Hire them to protect you from the pink flamingos. Also, garden gnomes love media coverage so tell the local TV station all about this.


The deal for my next car fell through. What should I do now?



quietkitten -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/9/2006 4:51:58 PM)

Just find a car you like on the street, clearly if someone leaves their car laying around they don't want to keep it....

I want to buy a motorcycle, but have never driven one before.. what kind should I get? 



HouseofBear -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/9/2006 5:05:41 PM)

Get one of the huge ones, make sure it is all chrome and leather, then go test drive it on a long curvy mountain road.  Make sure you test to see how fast it can take the curves.

My sons dog will not quit yapping every time it hears a door bell, knock or phone (even if it is on television).  How do I train it to stop?



knees2you -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/9/2006 5:50:18 PM)

Hypnotize the dog to think He's Human.


My cat keeps loging on to my Computer and downloading
Cat Porno, What should I do?

Ant,[;)]



Vendaval -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/9/2006 6:05:41 PM)

Teach your dog to do the same.  Then they can become
territorial about the computer and fight with each other
like well, cats and dogs.
 
I really want to cook dinner but have 2 roommates
in the way down in the kitchen.  What should I do?
 
Vendaval
 


quote:

ORIGINAL: knees2you

My cat keeps loging on to my Computer and downloading
Cat Porno, What should I do?

Ant,[;)]



knees2you -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/9/2006 6:56:17 PM)

Tell them it is self service!

My boss is coming on to me and tells me I could
get a huge promotion if I just suck Him dry what Should I do?
quote:

Forever is not as long as you might think. Sometimes, it's just until she changes her mind again.
 

 Ant,[;)]



thegreymistress -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/9/2006 9:50:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: knees2you

Tell them it is self service!

My boss is coming on to me and tells me I could
get a huge promotion if I just suck Him dry what Should I do? 

 Ant,[;)]


Meet him at the office after inviting his wife to join, of course and bring along your sister and cousin to ensure he is sucked dry. While recording the whole thing on a porno site monitered by the police.....

My neighbors tree keeps dropping limbs and nuts on my lawn...what do I do?



Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/9/2006 11:01:21 PM)

quote:

My neighbors tree keeps dropping limbs and nuts on my lawn...what do I do?


Throw human limbs and nuts on his lawn. When he confronts you about it ask him if he ever wondered where the human parts came from. Grin at him and then run after him with a chainsaw screaming, "I'll get you if it is the last thing I do!"


You know, I think that my phone might be tapped. I just have a feeling that someone is listening to everything I say on the phone. What can I do?



Vendaval -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/9/2006 11:56:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge

quote:

My neighbors tree keeps dropping limbs and nuts on my lawn...what do I do?


Throw human limbs and nuts on his lawn. When he confronts you about it ask him if he ever wondered where the human parts came from. Grin at him and then run after him with a chainsaw screaming, "I'll get you if it is the last thing I do!"

(Spits ice water out of mouth)
ROFLMAO


You know, I think that my phone might be tapped. I just have a feeling that someone is listening to everything I say on the phone. What can I do?


Tap into your neighbor's phone linese by chiseling through
the walls.
 
The management put up notices about recent burlglaries in
my complex.  One of my roommates is a complete airhead
who leaves the apartment without her keys, leaves the lights
and heater on, the windows open and the door unlocked.
What the hell should I do?
 
Vendaval




Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/10/2006 12:24:11 PM)

quote:

The management put up notices about recent burlglaries in
my complex.  One of my roommates is a complete airhead
who leaves the apartment without her keys, leaves the lights
and heater on, the windows open and the door unlocked.
What the hell should I do?


Leaving heaters and lights on is dangerous... it could start a fire. Tell your roomate that they should turn off all appliances before leaving the apartment.


I keep stubbing my toe on the end of my bed. I can't stand it anymore. Please help me.



thegreymistress -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/10/2006 12:28:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge

I keep stubbing my toe on the end of my bed. I can't stand it anymore. Please help me.


Easy, cut off both feet and steal prosthetics out of the local drs office that way you can kick things for fun without any pain at all.

My heel broke off my dress shoes and I don't know what to do?



Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/10/2006 12:44:02 PM)

quote:

My heel broke off my dress shoes and I don't know what to do?


Use my amputated feet to replace the heel.


I keep forgetting to send a fax to my doctor. I have the papers but I just don't remember to do it. Any suggestions?



Vendaval -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/10/2006 12:53:44 PM)

Staple the fax to the edge of your shirt and wear it to work.
Be sure to have the information facing out so that curious
co-workers can read all your personal information.
 
I have way too much to get done today, Photoshop projects
for class and publicity for the next Rocky Horrror show.
What should I do?
 
Vendaval

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge
I keep forgetting to send a fax to my doctor. I have the papers but I just don't remember to do it. Any suggestions?



HouseofBear -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/10/2006 8:35:39 PM)

Combine the photoshop projects to use them for publicity for the Rocky Horror Show.  Make the pictures very graphic where your ultra conservative teacher will appreciate the fine nuances of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.


I want to come up with an inexpensive unique costume to wear to the Rocky Horror Picture show when it is put on next.  Any suggestions?



NakedOnMyChain -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/10/2006 8:45:30 PM)

Go as a roll of toilet paper or piece of toast and hurl yourself into the screen.  That ought to go over pretty well.

I have heartburn.  Help me.



Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/10/2006 10:19:50 PM)

quote:

I have heartburn.  Help me.


Eat a lot of tomato based products, followed by hot peppers and top that off with shots of vinegar. It always works.


My Dad is getting a 35" flat screen TV. I want one too. What can I do?



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