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frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 3:43:07 PM

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

please excuse me for asking this, but its just something im a bit curious about.

after yet another thread from a newbie male sub getting frustrated in his search for a fem Domme im wondering at the disparity between what they are looking for and their understanding of the fem Domme as a woman looking for a man as a submissive partner.

what, if any resources are there to help a male sub understand and learn about this and why do you suppose they apparently get it so wrong much of the time.

thank you.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 3:54:20 PM

Posts: 494
Joined: 2/16/2009
From: New Jersey
Status: offline

I've found that many of the newbie "subs" who contact me are motivated by the arousal brought on by watching internet femdom porn.

These are the guys who write in their first message something like this:

"hello Goddess, please allow this worthless worm to have the extreme honor of chatting with you".

*gag*

Sometimes I write back to tell them the error of their ways. I usually don't hear from them but when they do write back they express surprise to find out that I seem like "a regular person".

_____________________________

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

(in reply to lally2)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 4:10:06 PM

Posts: 428
Joined: 3/12/2005
Status: offline

(fast reply)

It has been my experience that no matter how many times you try and 'help' out a newbie male submissive they just can't get past their segmented, fantasies. By this I mean that they fantasize about the sexual (aka porn) Domina and can't reconcile that Dominant woman want more, and are more, than that. They cannot accept that someone who they find very sexual can also be very loving and even a life time companion, who wears jeans and a t-shirt more often than thigh-highs.

I have found that no matter how much I try to befriend these folks they are always trying to fetishize me - we go out for coffee and they're looking at my shoes, disappointed that I'm wearing runners; they come by my house and are looking for the locked door that will 'obviously' house my dungeon; having stated that all I will offer is platonic friendship there are the backhanded servile comments intended to illicit a dominant response; etc.

It gets really tiring after a while so I just don't bother any more.

Wickad

PS - I'm with SimplyMicheal's assessment in the thread that spawned this one - idiots until proven otherwise. It should be noted that I always give them the opportunity.

(in reply to masmiss)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 4:15:47 PM

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

For the longest time, I had a dedicated web site that was designed around the idea of explaining the submissive perspective (generally from the male sub thought process). I used to have tons and tons of people writing me asking questions, and it served as an interesting resource. And then I started to get attacked constantly by people who, for reasons that still escape me, thought that the establishment of a web site constituted some kind of target to throw mud at. More and more, the interesting questions turned into hostility, so finally I just shut the whole thing down.

I'm not sure where someone can really go these days to get information as a lot of sites like mine took theirs down for a number of similar reasons (in addition to hostility from those not into the scene, who equated "submissive male" with "danger to any nearby children"). It just didn't seem worth it any more.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me

http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to Wickad)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 4:26:50 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

what, if any resources are there to help a male sub understand and learn about this and why do you suppose they apparently get it so wrong much of the time.

For starters, we have a pretty thorough FAQ, to which several of the regular posters contributed. It contains answers to common questions, including how to craft a profile that dominant women will find appealing and how to construct an introductory email that will get you noticed. It also includes links to the Search feature and to old threads discussing topics such as "what do dominant women think about Popular Fetish A, B, or C" and the differences between porn-fueled fantasy and the reality of dominant women.

If, after reading the FAQ and exploring the links provided, if a guy can't figure out how to attract a dominant woman or comprehend that we're women first and foremost, then he might as well give up his search and reach for the remote and a bottle of lotion instead. Clearly, he's not interested in a the reality of a relationship.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to lally2)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 7:02:06 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

To all those clueless male "submissives": Female dominants are not your fetish delivery systems. Grow up.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 7:10:10 PM

Posts: 625
Joined: 12/29/2009
Status: offline

I find it telling that most of the ones complaining only come to the message board to complain to us AFTER they have contacted people on the otherside (who may or may not be dominant or even female) and become disillusioned. Most have been here for months or years and finally make their very first post just to complain to us. Many come here thinking this place is going to be some kind of buffet of Dommes just waiting in line to fulfill their every kinky fantasy. I have tried to help some of them and in the end it was still about what they wanted and how they wanted it and when was I going to get around to fulfilling their fantasies. I even have a link at the top of my profile referencing a post that explains how to get a Dominant woman's attention. 99% of them write me without ever looking at it.

My best advice to them would be to get from behind a computer screen and go meet some real life people.
The reason there are so many fakes and scammers for male subs is because many of them breed and draw these kind of predators with their online behavior.

(in reply to lally2)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 7:10:59 PM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

For the longest time, I had a dedicated web site that was designed around the idea of explaining the submissive perspective (generally from the male sub thought process). I used to have tons and tons of people writing me asking questions, and it served as an interesting resource. And then I started to get attacked constantly by people who, for reasons that still escape me, thought that the establishment of a web site constituted some kind of target to throw mud at. More and more, the interesting questions turned into hostility, so finally I just shut the whole thing down.

I'm not sure where someone can really go these days to get information as a lot of sites like mine took theirs down for a number of similar reasons (in addition to hostility from those not into the scene, who equated "submissive male" with "danger to any nearby children"). It just didn't seem worth it any more.

Why does it have to be a site? What happened to going outside of the front door?

I'm sure that what you tried to do was admirable, but why only give one view? Why not just say the internet thing is a gateway?

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 7:12:04 PM

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Resources don't matter. Cocks can't read, hear or understand. At least they can't hear or understand anything beyond basic anatomy.
Remember when you were in high school/college and you wondered why guys weren't hearing what you were telling them?
Same thing.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 7:27:40 PM

DommeKeliDallas

Posts: 311
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wickad

(fast reply)

It has been my experience that no matter how many times you try and 'help' out a newbie male submissive they just can't get past their segmented, fantasies. By this I mean that they fantasize about the sexual (aka porn) Domina and can't reconcile that Dominant woman want more, and are more, than that. They cannot accept that someone who they find very sexual can also be very loving and even a life time companion, who wears jeans and a t-shirt more often than thigh-highs.

I have found that no matter how much I try to befriend these folks they are always trying to fetishize me - we go out for coffee and they're looking at my shoes, disappointed that I'm wearing runners; they come by my house and are looking for the locked door that will 'obviously' house my dungeon; having stated that all I will offer is platonic friendship there are the backhanded servile comments intended to illicit a dominant response; etc.

It gets really tiring after a while so I just don't bother any more.

Wickad

PS - I'm with SimplyMicheal's assessment in the thread that spawned this one - idiots until proven otherwise. It should be noted that I always give them the opportunity.

It is all about THEIR fantasy...the beautiful, young sexy woman with the perfect body ...dressed in leather waiting to bend them over with a strap-on.
TOTAL FANTASY.
Then, without even meeting you, they offer oral sex to you...like none of the other subs haven't offered that to you and they are somehow "different" than the dozens.

REALITY is a woman who is a size 12 PLUS and menstrual cramps and PMS, and normal LIFE.
And most women DON'T have a dungeon.

They are all here for the FANTASY.

(in reply to Wickad)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 7:49:12 PM

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

At least they can't hear or understand anything beyond basic anatomy.

You might be overestimating some folks. I remember coming across a dominatrix comic whose protagonist - well, if you can call her that - had nine vaginas, all of which shoot lightning. That's a lot to live up to, ladies.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 7:52:01 PM

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

There is a very powerful, very profitable machine out there selling men BDSM fantasy.

Who is selling them the fantasy?

Is it women? Yes.

Is it men? Yes.

Is it all very profitably advertised on this site and others? Yes.

Should these men probably know better based on their own experiences with real women? Yes.

This place is a crossroads where fantasy meets reality.

Frankly, we have a better chance of changing the course of the sun, than changing the fact that porn is sold to men...and beautiful women are hired to represent the female Dominant...and it is all focused on the guy...and who the fuck wouldn't want what is promised in all that porn?

This is one of the places where male submissives and slaves can be made, or driven away. The application of knowledge, and the loving word slap of a "real live Dominant Lady" gets many of these guys on to a more realistic path.

Some will never be helped. It's life.

Does it suck for you Ladies. Yes.

That is why Peon and I are here.

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to DommeKeliDallas)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 8:06:19 PM

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DommeKeliDallas

REALITY is a woman who is a size 12 PLUS and menstrual cramps and PMS, and normal LIFE.
And most women DON'T have a dungeon.

But like Otter said, there is an entire porn industry painting a very different picture. That is most guys' first (and second, and third, and tenth, and 100th) exposure to thoughts of femdom. So while it is problematic, you can't truly blame the guys for wanting what they've seen so often on DVD.

Then to make it worse, they join a site like this, and they are immediately contacted by 20 year old hotties who claim to be "Dommes". They have pictures that are usually in bikinis or borrowed from a porn site. So the newbie guys think they've hit the jackpot. A 20 year old hottie is actually talking to him, and she is offering the exact same thing that he has seen in the porn. He doesn't realize that "she" is really a "he". Nor does he realize that "she" might even live in Nigeria or Ghana.

When he finally has a conversation with a real-life "size 12 plus" Domme, she pales in comparison to everything that he's been sold so far. How can a real Domme possibly compare to porn, or to 20 year old hotties who promise fantasies that are the same or better than porn?

Once again, this doesn't make the male subs any less frustrating for you real Dommes. But at least their behavior is understandable. Heck, I'm sure that even the male subs that you respect will tell you that they started out pretty clueless with expectations that were birthed by porn.

(in reply to DommeKeliDallas)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 8:09:38 PM

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
...
When he finally has a conversation with a real-life "size 12 plus" Domme, she pales in comparison to everything that he's been sold so far. How can a real Domme possibly compare to porn, or to 20 year old hotties who promise fantasies that are the same or better than porn?
...

Distinction should be drawn here. Nothing in the porn is nearly as deep, nearly as intimate, nearly as impactful, or as fulfilling as the relationship that can be had with a "real" Domme. At least, that has been my experience. <3 you Ladies. :)

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 8:33:09 PM

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

Ahem....I'm 20. just sayin'.

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 8:33:26 PM

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

Distinction should be drawn here. Nothing in the porn is nearly as deep, nearly as intimate, nearly as impactful, or as fulfilling as the relationship that can be had with a "real" Domme. At least, that has been my experience. <3 you Ladies. :)

I agree with you. However, newbies don't have enough experience to know this yet.

I've stated on many occasion that I believe that D/s is primarily a mental exercise, not a physical one. Yes, there are physical aspects to it. But the true domination takes place between our ears. The ropes and floggers and buttplugs are just props.

I'd much rather be dominated by a size 20 Domme with experience and a great imagination, who knows how to take a sub's mind to places that he has never dreamed of, than to serve a 20 year old hottie whose dominant repertoire consists entirely of wearing a leather outfit and screaming "on your knees, bitch!".

Heck, one of my all-time favorite Domme on this site was "Gypsy Mambo" (whatever happened to her, btw?). She was an older (mid-50's), "size 12 plus" Domme who knew all the right buttons to push. I would have LOVED to have the opportunity to meet her and submit to her.

(in reply to OttersSwim)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 8:36:59 PM

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

Ahem....I'm 20. just sayin'.

Oops, sorry M.A. You're a 20 year old hottie who is quite real.

But I'm sure you don't spam every newbie male sub who joins CM and invite them to join you on Yahoo either, do you? Those are the 20 year old hotties that I was referring to.

(in reply to MissAsylum)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 8:49:26 PM

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

lol. i was only kidding. but of course i don't fit in with those 20 year old hotties. i have no patience for the old "bait and switch", and i only use yahoo for people that harrass me with money to watch them strech out their ass with a cucumber. sidebar: i really just don't think me watching somebody fuck themselves on web cam qualifies as "submission"...i see it as exibitionism with a dash of masochism. End of sidebar.

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 10:02:33 PM

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Gypsy Mambo!! She was awesome!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to MissAsylum)

RE: frustrated male subs - 7/2/2010 10:15:00 PM

MistressTorture

Posts: 7
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline

I have enjoyed reading this thread.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

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