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Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/2/2010 9:14:17 PM

Posts: 9
Joined: 12/10/2008
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Seeking advice and opinions from other Doms on this one.

Some quick background: I'm a DaddyDom with a sub/little girl. She's been in my home two weeks. I relocated her here from another state.

I discovered that she has already lied to me several times. Most of the lies revolve around her talking to her former boyfriend (vanilla relationship there) via text and phone (while living under my roof, mind you) for the past week, after being clearly forbidden to have any further contact with him. She knew this was one of my terms upfront before either of us made any decisions. She says her reasons for talking to him were to "get over him". Basically, she left him for me, so yes it's a very recent former relationship.

My initial reaction is that I will never be able to trust her and to release her and send her back where she came from. She has begged me not to do so, said she's sorry a million times and offered to do anything to earn my trust back if I would keep her. She says she still wants to be mine and never discussed getting back with the ex, only to get the closure she claims she never got. She admits she still has "feelings" for him, which I'm not happy about, but at least she was honest about that much. She says that although she cares about the guy, she was never happy in a relationship that didn't meet her needs and that I'm everything she wanted in a DaddyDom. Up until this point, I believed she was everything I was looking for as well.

So, fellow Doms, am I over-reacting? Should I give her a second chance or cut her loose? If I do decide to keep her, suggestions are invited on an appropriate punishment.

RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/2/2010 9:20:54 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

She's already shown you who she is. Cut your losses now, while its a relatively cheap lesson.

She's full of shit. She might even believe her own lies. But they're still lies. She is deceiving you. One should never put up with deceit. Kick her to the curb.

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RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/2/2010 9:23:36 PM

AQuietSimpleMan

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Joined: 11/15/2009
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The only Punishment that should be done here is to Send her Packing.

That being said if you want to address this situation and set a guideline and a boundry, then show you are more than a chest thumping obey me now daddy.

If she wants Closure then let her get it but TEACH HER HOW.

I would suggest you have her write a letter saying EVERYTHING that she needs to say to him, EVERYTHING. Then while you mediate have her call this guy, and you will have to understand that this will be emotional, she may cry and she my show affection to this other man, you cannot be threatened by this, Have her READ ALOUD the letter to this man, then have her ask him what he has to say about this, let him reply, then have her inform him that it is Over between them, there is no need for them to continue conversing and that she is involved in a relationship that asks her to move on from this particular relationship and that this will be the last time they EVER speak to each other as long as she is involved in your relationship.

Once this is done, calm her. Let her know you care and then explain to her why you have an issue with her talking to him. Explain to her your Reason for not allowing this. I am going to assume you have one other than you are just being jealous? Then Bond with your new partner, give her reason to be surrendered to you.

In the end if you are only not okay with this because you ARE Jealous then I would go and appologise to her cause I think you would be the one being the ass. She moved from another state to be with you, it stands to reason that she chose you over him, so if she needs some closure maybe you should give her some.

QSM

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RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/2/2010 9:27:27 PM

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Joined: 11/26/2007
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So.... you picked up a girl with a torch for another guy. And now you are surprised that she's still carrying the torch... and acting upon it.

Make sure that you take responsibility for making a decision with your penis.

Best,
sunshine

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 7/2/2010 9:39:40 PM >

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RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/2/2010 9:29:58 PM

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Joined: 4/18/2005
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Well, the two of you both apparently want a parent/child-type relationship, and let's be honest, kids lie to their parents. And they get punished, which is probably part of your dynamic. So, punish her, take the cell phone away. Ground her for 2 weeks. Full-time parenting is a big responsibility. Tough love, Daddy, tough love.

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RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/2/2010 9:31:33 PM

AQuietSimpleMan

Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Well, the two of you both apparently want a parent/child-type relationship, and let's be honest, kids lie to their parents. And they get punished, which is probably part of your dynamic. So, punish her, take the cell phone away. Ground her for 2 weeks. Full-time parenting is a big responsibility. Tough love, Daddy, tough love.

Can I change my Answer to this one, It never occured to me that this could be something she was doing on purpose to engage in the kink.

Maybe she is wanting to be Grounded and OTK Spanked.

QSM

_____________________________

Guy Stud =Vs= Girl Slut ~~ Debate ENDED!

"If a Key opens many locks, then it is a Master Key, If a Lock is opened by lots of keys, then it is a Shitty Lock"

(in reply to windchymes)

RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/2/2010 9:31:36 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
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Next time don't take on someone who's just left someone for you, or someone that has not healed from the last relationship and is being a relationship jumper.

If she dumped him for you, what's to say she won't dump you for someone else.

I'd never get involved with someone who dumped a relationship to be with me, for that very concern.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/2/2010 9:32:43 PM

Posts: 9
Joined: 12/10/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan

The only Punishment that should be done here is to Send her Packing.

That being said if you want to address this situation and set a guideline and a boundry, then show you are more than a chest thumping obey me now daddy.

If she wants Closure then let her get it but TEACH HER HOW.

I would suggest you have her write a letter saying EVERYTHING that she needs to say to him, EVERYTHING. Then while you mediate have her call this guy, and you will have to understand that this will be emotional, she may cry and she my show affection to this other man, you cannot be threatened by this, Have her READ ALOUD the letter to this man, then have her ask him what he has to say about this, let him reply, then have her inform him that it is Over between them, there is no need for them to continue conversing and that she is involved in a relationship that asks her to move on from this particular relationship and that this will be the last time they EVER speak to each other as long as she is involved in your relationship.

Once this is done, calm her. Let her know you care and then explain to her why you have an issue with her talking to him. Explain to her your Reason for not allowing this. I am going to assume you have one other than you are just being jealous? Then Bond with your new partner, give her reason to be surrendered to you.

In the end if you are only not okay with this because you ARE Jealous then I would go and appologise to her cause I think you would be the one being the ass. She moved from another state to be with you, it stands to reason that she chose you over him, so if she needs some closure maybe you should give her some.

QSM

She says she has said everything she had to say to him and is done talking to him. Should I still have her do the letter?

As for my reasons for not allowing this, I believe I've made it clear. Lying is unacceptable. Disobeying me, especially when we discussed the ex boyfriend at the outset, is unacceptable. Betraying me by going behind my back under my nose is unacceptable. There is a lot of behavior here that concerns me this early when I would expect a new sub to be doing her very best to earn my favor.

You make a good point about her choosing me and moving here. That's one of the main reasons I am even open to considering opinions from others and I appreciate yours. Thank you.

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)

RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/2/2010 9:37:19 PM

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

She admits she still has "feelings" for him, which I'm not happy about, but at least she was honest about that much.

If she had NO feelings for this guy it would be a sign of a sociopathic personality, or a related mental illness.
Of course she feels something...we all do when it comes to someone from our past, be it positive feelings or negative. So being unhappy about it won't get you anywhere.

My point...if you discuss this with her further, stay neutral when she says she has "feelings", don't get angry, and there may be a more honest dialog as to just what her true feelings are.

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RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/2/2010 9:42:18 PM

AQuietSimpleMan

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Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dwmstl

She says she has said everything she had to say to him and is done talking to him. Should I still have her do the letter?

That depends on you. If she said this and still talked to him then I would say she still has something she needs or wants to say. This Lesson is that if what she wants is closure then she needs to get it and then be done. If she keeps talking to him, or if he keeps contacting her then there isn't closure. I would do this lesson so that I knew without a doubt that that excuse is no longer valid. If she talks to him after that, it shows she does not honor you and should be sent packing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: dwmstl

As for my reasons for not allowing this, I believe I've made it clear. Lying is unacceptable. Disobeying me, especially when we discussed the ex boyfriend at the outset, is unacceptable. Betraying me by going behind my back under my nose is unacceptable. There is a lot of behavior here that concerns me this early when I would expect a new sub to be doing her very best to earn my favor.

But this does not tell me why you don't want her speaking to him. This part is about you not her. Do you not want her talking to him because you think he is a threat to you? See I let my girl talk to whoever she wants to, Dom, sub, male, female. cause if they can take her away from me then I don't deserve to have her. Now she has broken some rules..... but I wonder if that were unacceptable rules, people need to morne things, she may NEED closure and by your rules not allowing that you may have caused a conflict in her that need to be addressed. Part of being responsible for someone at times means doing things you don't like so that they can grow. If you don't let her grow, if you don't give her what she needs, how can you call yourself anything other than a brute where she is conserned?

quote:

ORIGINAL: dwmstl

You make a good point about her choosing me and moving here. That's one of the main reasons I am even open to considering opinions from others and I appreciate yours. Thank you.

I am glad, you will go far in this lifestyle with that attitude.

I hope you find bliss in your choices.

QSM

_____________________________

Guy Stud =Vs= Girl Slut ~~ Debate ENDED!

"If a Key opens many locks, then it is a Master Key, If a Lock is opened by lots of keys, then it is a Shitty Lock"

(in reply to dwmstl)

RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/2/2010 10:15:22 PM

Wantstocontrolu

Posts: 127
Joined: 4/11/2008
Status: offline

Take her for a drive and kick the user out on the curb..

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RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/2/2010 10:36:21 PM

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Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

So.... you picked up a girl with a torch for another guy. And now you are surprised that she's still carrying the torch... and acting upon it.

Make sure that you take responsibility for making a decision with your penis.

Best,
sunshine

This.

She's a human being, you took her from another relationship and you want to punish her for having the decency to end it like an adult. Stop reacting with your pride. Would you want her to do to you what you're trying to FORCE her to do to him? Being a Dom does not mean that you actually control what feelings she has. Why on God's green earth would you demand that she have no contact with him anyway? Do you do that with her having contact with other people? Stop reacting with your fears and ego and let her deal with her feelings like most rational adults do.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 7/2/2010 10:44:41 PM >

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RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/2/2010 10:38:50 PM

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She swore she wouldn't do it again, apologized and offered to do anything to earn your trust again. Give her a completely clean second chance (people make mistakes when emotions are involved) and if she lies to you again, kick her out.

This just isn't as huge a deal as you think it is. People who have just ended relationships are sometimes shaky on those endings. Probably you shouldn't have moved her out to live with you immediately following the end of her previous relationship, but since you did, cut her some slack on a one time offense. Everyone deserves to be able to make a mistake once without getting thrown out on their ass. But not twice, and if she does it again you'll have a definitive answer.

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RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/2/2010 10:49:20 PM

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Joined: 10/24/2004
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Trust is more often misplaced than it is breached. Patience is a virtue.
It sounds like you failed to exercise sufficient patience and self-mastery to develop a higher degree of confidence in your partner.

Stop reacting, and start being more responsible for your own choice -- a premature confabulation.

(in reply to dwmstl)

RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/2/2010 10:55:18 PM

Zevar

Posts: 801
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dwmstl

Seeking advice and opinions from other Doms on this one.

Some quick background: I'm a DaddyDom with a sub/little girl. She's been in my home two weeks. I relocated her here from another state.

I discovered that she has already lied to me several times. Most of the lies revolve around her talking to her former boyfriend (vanilla relationship there) via text and phone (while living under my roof, mind you) for the past week, after being clearly forbidden to have any further contact with him. She knew this was one of my terms upfront before either of us made any decisions. She says her reasons for talking to him were to "get over him". Basically, she left him for me, so yes it's a very recent former relationship.

My initial reaction is that I will never be able to trust her and to release her and send her back where she came from. She has begged me not to do so, said she's sorry a million times and offered to do anything to earn my trust back if I would keep her. She says she still wants to be mine and never discussed getting back with the ex, only to get the closure she claims she never got. She admits she still has "feelings" for him, which I'm not happy about, but at least she was honest about that much. She says that although she cares about the guy, she was never happy in a relationship that didn't meet her needs and that I'm everything she wanted in a DaddyDom. Up until this point, I believed she was everything I was looking for as well.

So, fellow Doms, am I over-reacting? Should I give her a second chance or cut her loose? If I do decide to keep her, suggestions are invited on an appropriate punishment.

From my perspective what I find totally unacceptable is lying. If trust is intact and someone I care for lies then that severs any further interactions. Lying is a direct violation to the foundation that is REQUIRED in a relationship. Without trust there is a haunting distance of sorts. Where trust once bonded and then deception destroyed there is no room for further contact with anyone regardless when their choice was to willfully betray a bond of trust. Cold waters then ensue. IMO

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RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/2/2010 11:35:53 PM

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You're in your 50s, she is 18. How old is the guy she cheated on by being with you? I don't mean to offend you, but really, she is acting like a kid because she is one. You have heard that old saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater?" As Topping said, what makes you think she wouldn't do the same to you?

How long did you know this girl before you moved her in with you? How much face to face contact had you had? Certainly what she has done, talking to her ex behind your back isn't right, but you aren't acting like a mature adult either in this situation. Your journal posts of just a couple days ago indicate how absolutely perfect everything was and now you are asking about sending her back where she came from.

Dude, you are embarking on a relationship not adopting a puppy from the local shelter. Just because you play daddy/daughter, the reality is that you both should be acting like adults and it doesn't sound like either of you are.

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RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/3/2010 4:08:30 AM

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dwmstl

Seeking advice and opinions from other Doms on this one.

Some quick background: I'm a DaddyDom with a sub/little girl. She's been in my home two weeks. I relocated her here from another state.

I discovered that she has already lied to me several times. Most of the lies revolve around her talking to her former boyfriend (vanilla relationship there) via text and phone (while living under my roof, mind you) for the past week, after being clearly forbidden to have any further contact with him. She knew this was one of my terms upfront before either of us made any decisions. She says her reasons for talking to him were to "get over him". Basically, she left him for me, so yes it's a very recent former relationship.

My initial reaction is that I will never be able to trust her and to release her and send her back where she came from. She has begged me not to do so, said she's sorry a million times and offered to do anything to earn my trust back if I would keep her. She says she still wants to be mine and never discussed getting back with the ex, only to get the closure she claims she never got. She admits she still has "feelings" for him, which I'm not happy about, but at least she was honest about that much. She says that although she cares about the guy, she was never happy in a relationship that didn't meet her needs and that I'm everything she wanted in a DaddyDom. Up until this point, I believed she was everything I was looking for as well.

So, fellow Doms, am I over-reacting? Should I give her a second chance or cut her loose? If I do decide to keep her, suggestions are invited on an appropriate punishment.

Let's see, I quick squiz at the other replies has you as being over 50 and her a teenager....

First her; a teenager AND she tells lies? She has a recently ex-b/f - with all the drama teenage relationships tend to generate.

And you're over 50 and the controlling alpha in a D/s relationship with her and you didn't forsee any potential ex b/f trouble here? And now that it's hit home, you're forbidding her to have further contact with him. So she should just flick some emotional switch 'cause you ordered it...?

First off, *no-one* has such a switch - the only cure is time. And the immature stance you're adopting leaves her with the only choice a teenager is likely to make - to lie.

I agree with sunshinemiss, you followed your dick. You're old enough to be her grandfather; you moved her presumably a long way from her home and familiar surroundings; from a relationship barely ended and you're hiding behind D/s protocol in making unreasonable demands of a TEENAGER.

And now you're considering kicking her out - what a dad....! Clearly she was everything your dick was looking for - if only she didn't come with all those emotions, dramas, hormones and expectations a teenage girl might reasonably be expected to have. Or are they banned under your roof, too?

Punishment? Stay tha hell away from children...!

Focus.

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RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/3/2010 6:18:57 AM

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You grabbed a girl on the rebound and are surprised that she isn't over him? She can't transfer her feeling for him to you like sending mail to a new address, despite your belief.

She needs to go live on her own and do the mourning necessary to finish with that relationship before she gets into a new one. And you need to not be so opportunistic in trying to manipulate someone in an emotionally fragile place in the future.

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RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/3/2010 6:26:05 AM

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Maybe a nice coloring book will make everything better!

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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RE: Am I Over-Reacting? - 7/3/2010 6:45:04 AM

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She left some other guy for you and you are wondering if she is trustworthy? What exactly is there in her past behavior that demonstrates that she is trustworthy?

The best description that I have seen of Daddy/girl or Daddy/boy relationship is that there is little expectation of obedience, while with M/s obedience is required (all the caveats of people do what works best for them apply). It seems that your girl is working from this perspective of the relationship and you are working from a different one.

Knight's Kyra

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(in reply to dwmstl)

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