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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 8:46:12 PM

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: newprofile2010

Deep down he did NOT want me to play, that much I've been able to figure out. I'm used to relationships that have clear and direct communication. Hell, if he had told me no I wouldn't have liked it but I would have stayed in the room and watched a movie or whatever he wanted to do.

It's given me a lot to think about.

If I were you, I would address this with him, and assure him that if he doesn't want you to play with others, you're ok with that. But only if you ARE actually ok with it.

Sounds like you have too much going on together to just run away without talking about it. Although I personally think it was wrong of him to be neglectful, keep in mind that he is human too, and if he was having feelings of resentment, well, then that could explain why he behaved the way he did. But it has to be addressed and dealt with honestly on both your parts.

I hope you can manage to talk it out and hopefully solve the issue.

Best of luck to you both. :)

(in reply to newprofile2010)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 8:46:58 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

That numbness sounds like shock. Even if you don't feel like eating, schedule reasonable times and force yourself to eat anyway.

The only way I can answer you is to say how I would act with my own sub, and even with vanilla friends who have been submissive to me. I have already been tested by fire, so this is not some fantasy what-would-I-do scenario.

My sub is MINE. If they are hurt or needy, they had better come to me so I can handle it. I don't care if I am sleeping and they wake me up. I don't care if I have been having chemotherapy and I am sick and very tired, they are MINE and I will handle it.

I do aftercare with subs who are not mine, except in the way that they are MY friends or that I am mentoring them, if they are falling apart and need someone to help them through it...I step up to bat. If my sub had gone playing, I would expect to be the one to give aftercare, because of that MINE factor.

You looked very easy to read, being all out of it and almost incoherent. That would tell me it's time to rehydrate you and get your blood sugar back up, then tuck you into bed and share body heat. Hands cold? No problem, that's what thick sox are for if there are no gloves handy; I also have no problem with rolling someone over so that their back is to my belly. Cold hands do not bother me beyond the initial AAAAH gasp. (I have also watched over people in my life who were very ill, spewing from both ends and helpless as babes. Cold hands is the least of my worries if I am caretaking what is mine in some way.)

Look, if my cat went out with or without my permission, played at someone else's house and came back in bad shape and needed caretaking...it's my darned cat, and I won't tell it to fix it's own problems or turn to someone else. MINE! <snarls>

This is just me. I also had an alcoholic father and stepfather who were complete asshats and worse, and it didn't cause me to give less caretaking to my autistic son or to my pain in the arse mother, or pain in the arse friends, nor even to pain in the arse subs. Maybe I am just more territorial than most, and being mine has more meaning to me.

He was tired and had issues, and maybe this pushed some bad buttons that he still needs to work out...but...wouldn't it have been a wonderful bonding moment if he hadn't seen you as an independent person who could/should take care of herself and had just seen you as his property that needed tending?

I don't care who you are or who your Dom is. I don't think less of either of you...just that in this, at this time in both of your lives...your needs were mismatched. You explained things well in your letter, how you feel and what happened to you, and the aftermath. Send that to him in a private letter in a few days so that he understands and will think things over when neither of you are still upset. I hope the both of you can work something out...maybe it will work for you if those friends of yours can help you through something like this next time.

Myself...I don't care if I needed umpteen cups of coffee, I would have been in the dungeon watching over what was mine, and taking care of him/her afterward. That being said, all of us can drop the ball at one time or another and many of us have issues we are working our way through.

I hope you have been staying hydrated and eating some chocolate. If not...get some today. One thing I learned through past chemos is to eat regular meals even when I didn't want to. I drank water when I didn't want to. This numbness will not last very long...it's the calm before the storm. Likely that a lot of intense upset feelings will rage on when the numbness fades.

Find at least one friend to anchor you through this without blaming either one of you.

Stock your home with Hershey bars and juice and maybe tv dinners and fresh fruits.

Get a journal/diary and really vent everything, no holds barred. This is just for you, you can burn it later if you want. Speak everything that goes through your mind, even if it sounds extreme. It will be healthy for you to do this to break through the numbness.

I'm sorry to say so, but I will be blunt; you have major trust issues now, because of this, that both of you will have to work through. I hope you both manage to heal and find some solution that both of you can live with.

(in reply to newprofile2010)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 8:48:51 PM

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

People feel the way they feel. Making a relationship decision on one bad night is probably NOT the best idea. We all make mistakes and have bad nights. Right now, you have some aftereffects causing you to be unusually emotional and I'm not sure making any decisions is a great idea at this time. I tend to table things when my emotions are running high to ensure that I am making rational decisions and having appropriate conversations.

I will ask you this question though. If you've never had a need for aftercare and reactions this severe, how would he possibly know that was what was happening?

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to newprofile2010)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 8:56:03 PM

Posts: 33
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline

Cynthia -

Thanks. I forget about chocolate. It would have been a wonderful bonding moment.

I'll share this, maybe the original posting alone or maybe just send him the link to the whole thing, in a day or two. Right now I'm going to 7-11 to get some chocolate and a banana.

(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 9:04:08 PM

Posts: 33
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

People feel the way they feel. Making a relationship decision on one bad night is probably NOT the best idea. We all make mistakes and have bad nights. Right now, you have some aftereffects causing you to be unusually emotional and I'm not sure making any decisions is a great idea at this time. I tend to table things when my emotions are running high to ensure that I am making rational decisions and having appropriate conversations.

I will ask you this question though. If you've never had a need for aftercare and reactions this severe, how would he possibly know that was what was happening?

That's what I thought, and I totally gave him the benefit of the doubt. It wasn't the actions that night, so much as the detailed discussion the next day where he swore that he "of course knew what aftercare was" when I tried to say why I'd spilled the water, and then got huffy and told me I wasn't his responsibility, that caused me to wonder who this man was and where my boyfriend went.

Maybe - maybe he's appalled that he DIDN'T know what to do, and because he looked incompetent in front of me got angry and lashed out the next day? I know he was half asleep, and that's why in my post I said "that's not what bothered me - HERE is what bothered me", referring to his detailed rant the next day on how I wasn't his responsibility.

Maybe that rant wasn't directed at me, maybe he was saying those things to make himself feel better about not knowing how to handle the situation?

If he didn't know, then saying "sorry, I wasn't aware" would have fixed the whole thing.

< Message edited by newprofile2010 -- 8/10/2010 9:07:19 PM >

(in reply to laurell3)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 9:07:26 PM

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

I haven't read the other replies yet because I wanted to reply based only on the OP.

I can see both sides of this coin. Now, you didn't expect you would need aftercare when you got back, so in this i see no immediate flaw in you. You were expecting to slip in curl up and get some sleep. However that's not how it worked out. I can see him being validly a bit upset with you in the moment, however, it is my opinion that if you love someone, you want to take care of them and make sure they are OKAY even if it's an inconvinience to you or your pride. Be angry about it, but see to it your loved ones are cared for regardless.

Next point. Your friends. They played with you, they should have seen to your aftercare. One of thems hould have been wise enough to say "Lets sit down for a minute, or I'll come in with you and make sure you are settled alright before i go." That would have been the responsible and FRIENDISH thing to do. Dropping you off like a used prop was a bit dickish too. Again it was probably a mistake on everyone's part and I think that's the problem, everyone wants someone to blame, and no one intentionally did any of it that I can see, it was just bad judgement and bad circumstance. Lesson learned.

I think you need to wait at least a week, make sure you sub drop after the hard playing is truely gone before you make any choices. A long, patient, and heartfelt talk between you and your BF should happen. You feel hurt, he probably feels hurt... talk it out. Don't pretend that shit didn't happen, but don't be petty about it either, just express how you feel, then give him time to express how he felt about it too.

Might also consider, you had soooo much fun, fun without him, that he was left out of, maybe that adds to his annoyance too? It sounds like there could be more issues at work here, and this was simply things coming to a head.

< Message edited by ProlificNeeds -- 8/10/2010 9:08:28 PM >

(in reply to newprofile2010)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 9:30:09 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

You're welcome. I got a bit tired of you saying over and over, you wanted your bf, and your friends did as you requested, and people then saying well your friends.........

quote:

ORIGINAL: newprofile2010

Thanks :)

_____________________________

One world under lube with vibrators and dildo's for all! quote from the sex toy 101 book

(in reply to newprofile2010)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 9:37:08 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

When we were not living together, I had some horrible night mare one night, and at 6 am needed Daddy, and was unwilling call him because I knew he'd still be asleep and I hated waking him up, knowing he'd need to be up at 8 for work, and he doesn;t sleep well as it is, but I needed him, I just couldn't shake the ickies, an I called and he said hello, and I started crying and blubbering that "daddy I had a bad dream I am sorry to wake you up" And he said it was absolutely ok, I needed him and he was going to be there when I needed him.

He stayed on the phone with me a whole hour till I felt better, got me "tucked back in and kissed" as best as one can do on the phone, an I went back to sleep.

That and a few other times when I was free to tell him my emotions no matter what, really cemented my trust in him.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CynthiaWVirginia

That numbness sounds like shock. Even if you don't feel like eating, schedule reasonable times and force yourself to eat anyway.

The only way I can answer you is to say how I would act with my own sub, and even with vanilla friends who have been submissive to me. I have already been tested by fire, so this is not some fantasy what-would-I-do scenario.

My sub is MINE. If they are hurt or needy, they had better come to me so I can handle it. I don't care if I am sleeping and they wake me up.

< Message edited by Toppingfrmbottom -- 8/10/2010 9:38:24 PM >

_____________________________

One world under lube with vibrators and dildo's for all! quote from the sex toy 101 book

(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 9:41:33 PM

Posts: 33
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds

Next point. Your friends. They played with you, they should have seen to your aftercare. One of thems hould have been wise enough to say "Lets sit down for a minute, or I'll come in with you and make sure you are settled alright before i go." That would have been the responsible and FRIENDISH thing to do. Dropping you off like a used prop was a bit dickish too. Again it was probably a mistake on everyone's part and I think that's the problem, everyone wants someone to blame, and no one intentionally did any of it that I can see, it was just bad judgement and bad circumstance.

Might also consider, you had soooo much fun, fun without him, that he was left out of, maybe that adds to his annoyance too? It sounds like there could be more issues at work here, and this was simply things coming to a head.

My friends DID come in with me. I should probably go back and edit the OP to clarify. They called my boyfriend, walked me to the elevator, rode up with me, helped me totter down the hallway, and then came IN the room to hand me physically to my boyfriend. They chatted for a moment, handed over my shoes, then they went to their own rooms with their last vision of me standing in the hotel room with my bf's arm around me.

The "left out" part I don't get, although I'm not discounting it, because he was having "alone time" with his other partner.

< Message edited by newprofile2010 -- 8/10/2010 9:45:33 PM >

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 9:52:03 PM

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: newprofile2010

That's what I thought, and I totally gave him the benefit of the doubt. It wasn't the actions that night, so much as the detailed discussion the next day where he swore that he "of course knew what aftercare was" when I tried to say why I'd spilled the water, and then got huffy and told me I wasn't his responsibility, that caused me to wonder who this man was and where my boyfriend went.

Maybe - maybe he's appalled that he DIDN'T know what to do, and because he looked incompetent in front of me got angry and lashed out the next day? I know he was half asleep, and that's why in my post I said "that's not what bothered me - HERE is what bothered me", referring to his detailed rant the next day on how I wasn't his responsibility.

Maybe that rant wasn't directed at me, maybe he was saying those things to make himself feel better about not knowing how to handle the situation?

If he didn't know, then saying "sorry, I wasn't aware" would have fixed the whole thing.

He hasn't changed from the man you knew over one bad night. I would go talk to him again if I were you. We all make mistakes. We all deal with them in varying degrees of accountability and understanding. It's possible you BOTH made a mistake and discounted the other's feelings that night. The only people in the world that know that are the two of you.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to newprofile2010)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 9:57:35 PM

Zevar

Posts: 801
Status: offline

Greetings newprofile2010:

I want to illustrate a few points and then say a few words to you for clarification purposes only. To begin I acknowledge I entered a reply earlier and then after reading ALL of the other recalled details that you did not include in your original entry I chose to delete the majority of my entry. Why? Reading the following entry in context will answer that question.

What I am about to say is said genuinely. Firstly since you do not know my ways I will tell you that I am not the sort of man that comes online and replies to threads for fun or to insult people. I do recognize you are a total stranger to myself as I am to you. With that said keep in mind that your entries thereafter painted a different picture altogether than you originally entry painted, therefore I will offer the following:

Point in fact: What sort of guarantee can you offer to prove that you are being 100% transparent with yourself in seemingly having an urgent need to present your unsolved personal issues here for strangers to resolve? Did you create the new profile just for this occasion to post this thread OR did you create the new profile in order to conceal something that you would rather remain a secret?

I am not asking your motive in creating a new profile to judge you. I am asking because you present these seemingly urgent issues with a man that you claim to care deeply about, lest we not forget the other external characters and plotting of your unsolved seemingly urgent issues. Maybe you do care about him? Maybe you do not? Personally I do not know nor do I have an investment one way or the other. What I have an investment in is myself and others being totally honest and upfront from the beginning. No games. Nothing withheld. Clearly spoken with the whole picture initially and not add to and add to and add to is my personal preference. Initially withholding necessary information to evaluate any given situation only lends to mistrust the one not providing everything upfront.

I will be frank with you and say that I simply do not fully have the needed certainty of reliance in your motive in presenting this unsolved lavish display of circumstances that you could have already solved with this man you are in a committed relationship and share a garden with. Correct? You and he share a garden together which denotes longevity? Is that what you presented?

What kind of a garden are you planting characteristically speaking by coming online to ask total strangers about personal issues that you and this man you care deeply for AND share a garden with could solve? Manure has a way of wafting across all sorts of physicality. This being no exception to the rule. I suggest you fully present ALL of your unsolved issues and concerns directly to the one whom you claim they belong to. Perhaps you are the one to begin with , aye? Self honesty is a pre-requisite to maturity.

How do issues get successfully resolved? Create a new profile on a BDSM site in order to perhaps conceal something of importance and then post a thread to ask total strangers what to do with your personal unsolved issues related to a man that you claim to care deeply for? NO! Honest-Genuine-Communication with the one(s) to whom the unsolved issues remain. That would be it!

Take GOOD care of you AND those you claim to care for deeply, lest I forget share a garden with too! NOTE: Water as required!

(in reply to newprofile2010)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 10:01:10 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

newprofile2010...good.

I responded after only reading your first letter and maybe half of the first page, and now I am caught up with everything. Still I wouldn't have changed a thing.

These relationships aren't easy. I have helped friends through situations where their Doms want them to be poly but then...jealousy issues come up and often from the male. Maybe something inside of him has changed and he doesn't want to share you in any shape or form with other males. Some of the ground rules might have to change a little after you both are feeling better and can talk about this in a constructive way instead of by having an argument.

quote:

I have a great time with my friend, aided a few times during the scene by another of our mutual friends (being flogged and shocked at the same time is really cool). Unexpectedly, and awesomely, I have my first ever orgasm from pain (and shoulder pain at that!). Tres cool and completely unexpected.

I didn't want this wonderful news to be lost in the shuffle. Congratulations! I am so jealous...I have never made anyone orgasm from pain only. Girl, you are going to give me an inferiority complex...shame on you. (Just kidding.) You have given me something to aspire to, so thank you for sharing this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, now this was in response to laurell3

quote:

I will ask you this question though. If you've never had a need for aftercare and reactions this severe, how would he possibly know that was what was happening?

By reading books like SM 101 or The Loving Dominant, reading about subspace and subdrop with the search feature in these message board, reading in health and safety here, or by...reading the book she gave him, as she said she did in post #25.

quote:

If this was a vanilla partner that had never done any bdsm activities with me, hadn't watched me have a scene with someone else before, and hadn't provided aftercare following a scene with the same person that topped me this time (or read a book on the subject, which I made sure he did months ago), I would see it as a horrible imposition on them. But he's my top, he had engaged in bdsm activities long before I met him, and we'd done this dance before.

Before I ever made someone space, I learned about it. I read many other people's experiences with subspace and subdrop, as well as talking with people in person or over the phone to learn more. When I saw that blissful, dazed look, glazed eyes, slurred speech, I guessed what was happening.

When someone had a whole conversation with me that he didn't remember, but he had something egging him on that he was supposed to be with me that Saturday...and then he asked me if I had hypnotized him, I had been expecting this already and talked him through everything.

Some of us even bring glucose pills when scening with a diabetic, as well as keeping track of hydration and snacks and when it's time to check blood sugar levels. I even brought bandaids for this, as well as for after he gave himself his insulin shot, in case he forgot to. (Before putting on bandaids, I even put on some triple antibiotic ointment.) Yes, I can be almost paranoid about safeties, but being prepared can be a good thing.

I have never read a book on aftercare or subdrop...and I want that book!

< Message edited by CynthiaWVirginia -- 8/10/2010 10:04:45 PM >

(in reply to newprofile2010)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 10:17:45 PM

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: newprofile2010

The jealously part is bizarre.

The jealously part is normal. It's the how you process it (atleast for me). Plus, as you described it, it's more of a jealousy over aptitude and skills than jealousy over intimacy. I get secretly annoyed as hell when someone is better than me at table tennis!

Haha. But seriously forget about who did what wrong.

Get right to the point with the following non-accusatory and male-friendly statement:
I need to know you are reliable and that I can trust you in a time of need, especially if my life is in danger.

Lack of trust seriously erodes the feelings of love like a landslide. However, most people have the empathy to help out someone hurt. I say: why not give him second chance to show he deserves your trust. It's alot worse if someone is consistently unreliable than just once.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 8/10/2010 10:19:08 PM >

(in reply to newprofile2010)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 10:18:37 PM

Posts: 33
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Zevar

What I am about to say is said genuinely. Firstly since you do not know my ways I will tell you that I am not the sort of man that comes online and replies to threads for fun or to insult people. I do recognize you are a total stranger to myself as I am to you. With that said keep in mind that your entries thereafter painted a different picture altogether than you originally entry painted, therefore I will offer the following:

If additional discussion provided additional information, information that was not in my original LONG, LONG, posting, that is what additional discussion is for. To elucidate, expand. Every angle that would need to be clarified was not apparent until requests for clarification were given.

quote:

Point in fact: What sort of guarantee can you offer to prove that you are being 100% transparent with yourself in seemingly having an urgent need to present your unsolved personal issues here for strangers to resolve? Did you create the new profile just for this occasion to post this thread OR did you create the new profile in order to conceal something that you would rather remain a secret?

Yes, I did create a new profile in order to conceal something, that something being my three year old profile here on CM, which if/when my friends browse for posts would have taken them to this discussion. I wanted neutral feedback and so asked anonymously. Btw, I don't consider the people here strangers. I've gotten advice before, really, really helpful advice. That's the point of having an online community like this.

quote:

I am not asking your motive in creating a new profile to judge you. I am asking because you present these seemingly urgent issues with a man that you claim to care deeply about, lest we not forget the other external characters and plotting of your unsolved seemingly urgent issues. Maybe you do care about him? Maybe you do not? Personally I do not know nor do I have an investment one way or the other. What I have an investment in is myself and others being totally honest and upfront from the beginning. No games. Nothing withheld. Clearly spoken with the whole picture initially and not add to and add to and add to is my personal preference. Initially withholding necessary information to evaluate any given situation only lends to mistrust the one not providing everything upfront.

Unless I write a novel in the my original posting, there is no way all details can be covered. Nothing contradictory was added, and if more detail is not your thing I'm not quite sure what to say to that.

quote:

I will be frank with you and say that I simply do not fully have the needed certainty of reliance in your motive in presenting this unsolved lavish display of circumstances that you could have already solved with this man you are in a committed relationship and share a garden with. Correct? You and he share a garden together which denotes longevity? Is that what you presented?

I can't solve this circumstance with the man I share a garden with because he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. We HAD a discussion, as I detailed in my first post, the day after it happened. That discussion went horribly, horribly awry and became a bigger problem than what had caused the discussion.

quote:

What kind of a garden are you planting characteristically speaking by coming online to ask total strangers about personal issues that you and this man you care deeply for AND share a garden with could solve? Manure has a way of wafting across all sorts of physicality. This being no exception to the rule. I suggest you fully present ALL of your unsolved issues and concerns directly to the one whom you claim they belong to. Perhaps you are the one to begin with , aye? Self honesty is a pre-requisite to maturity.

How do issues get successfully resolved? Create a new profile on a BDSM site in order to perhaps conceal something of importance and then post a thread to ask total strangers what to do with your personal unsolved issues related to a man that you claim to care deeply for? NO! Honest-Genuine-Communication with the one(s) to whom the unsolved issues remain. That would be it!

Take GOOD care of you AND those you claim to care for deeply, lest I forget share a garden with too! NOTE: Water as required![/font]

Not really sure what you're saying, but then again I am tired. So, uh, thanks for making an effort.

(in reply to Zevar)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 10:24:12 PM

Posts: 33
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

The jealously part is normal. It's the how you process it (atleast for me). Plus, as you described it, it's more of a jealousy over aptitude and skills than jealousy over intimacy. I get secretly annoyed as hell when someone is better than me at table tennis!

Haha. But seriously forget about who did what wrong.

Get right to the point with the following non-accusatory and male-friendly statement:
I need to know you are reliable and that I can trust you in a time of need, especially if my life is in danger.

Lack of trust seriously erodes the feelings of love like a landslide. However, most people have the empathy to help out someone hurt. I say: why not give him second chance to show he deserves your trust. It's alot worse if someone is consistently unreliable than just once.

You are the awesome. That is a great sentence and really sums up what I need to be reassured about.

I'm probably too much of a softie to not give a second chance, but it will be a long time before I trust him without a back-up plan.

I think the jealousy is also because his last two partners "left" or changed the relationship dynamic after the introduction of new male partners. Having a male partner when you START a relationship with him doesn't seem to cause any issues at all. His other partner has a boyfriend and his 4yr partner was married. It's the adding partners that seems to get to him.

Thanks again for the male-friendly and non-accusatory statement. I'll be using it soon and will let you know how it goes.

(in reply to Twoshoes)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 10:31:02 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

Zevar, she is not gathering up a lynch mob for her Dom...this is the point of making a new profile so that people don't know who these two people are while one of them uses us as a sounding board to calm down, check that the other POVs out there, and hear some practical ways to get through this until they both can calm down and deal with this better. I don't have a problem with that.

It's been my experience that it is helpful to most women to have others to turn to when they're upset or have issues. We talk a lot. Yes, I even knew from my female therapist that her lover's dick was small and that he needed to learn more about giving head...

The OP is being discreet, and not just coming here for the purpose of bashing her Dom. I am clueless who this couple is, have no wish or need to sleuth it out, and when this tempest is past and the profile disappears...I only hope we were more helpful than hurtful.

Threads like these also helped to teach me when I was new what to expect, what a submissive's needs might be, and what I could do to help them through it so that...

...as Toppingfrmbottom said:

quote:

That and a few other times when I was free to tell him my emotions no matter what, really cemented my trust in him.

...(so that) someday I would know what to do to earn a sub's trust, and how not to break that trust. Though experienced, I am still learning and hope to keep on learning.

(in reply to Zevar)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 10:43:29 PM

Posts: 33
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CynthiaWVirginia

These relationships aren't easy. I have helped friends through situations where their Doms want them to be poly but then...jealousy issues come up and often from the male. Maybe something inside of him has changed and he doesn't want to share you in any shape or form with other males. Some of the ground rules might have to change a little after you both are feeling better and can talk about this in a constructive way instead of by having an argument.

Quite frankly I don't WANT to have another romantic or sexual partner. I'm pretty darn monogamous, that's just how I'm wired. After almost a year of infrequent play (he had a couple of deaths in the family) I decided I better get SOMEONE to whack me with a sharp stick before I went nuts - or something to that effect. Having our female friend just keep topping me by herself might be the workable solution here.

And the fact that he feels possessive (although he won't say it) is FINE with me, but he has to articulate it and not leave it for me to guess about.

I think it's hard for him to express those possessive feelings, though, because he really values his "poly is great" beliefs. I think NOT being ok sharing me, even for non-sexual play, rubs him the wrong way inside.

quote:

quote:

I have a great time with my friend, aided a few times during the scene by another of our mutual friends (being flogged and shocked at the same time is really cool). Unexpectedly, and awesomely, I have my first ever orgasm from pain (and shoulder pain at that!). Tres cool and completely unexpected.

I didn't want this wonderful news to be lost in the shuffle. Congratulations! I am so jealous...I have never made anyone orgasm from pain only. Girl, you are going to give me an inferiority complex...shame on you. (Just kidding.) You have given me something to aspire to, so thank you for sharing this.

Aww, thanks. It was really cool! A whole body thing, and then I was immediately wiped out. Lots of "new" things that night, new venue (public), new toys, new reactions. Probably accounts for a little of the intense reactions.

(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 11:00:49 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

quote:

Having our female friend just keep topping me by herself might be the workable solution here.

And the fact that he feels possessive (although he won't say it) is FINE with me, but he has to articulate it and not leave it for me to guess about.

I think it's hard for him to express those possessive feelings, though, because he really values his "poly is great" beliefs. I think NOT being ok sharing me, even for non-sexual play, rubs him the wrong way inside.

Yes, it sounds like a good, workable solution.

Men often don't talk as freely as we do...they huff and puff and get snarky and we have to read between the lines. <grins>

About the poly thing. He might have some issues to settle with himself before he feels confortable with possibly admitting that he doesn't even want another male to top you. Somehow, I don't have any problem with that. I don't see your having problems dealing with him needing to be poly...sometimes things can be "fair" even when others might think that they're not. Still, I love your solution and I hope it works out for the both of you.

Best wishes whoever you are.

(in reply to newprofile2010)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 11:07:22 PM

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: newprofile2010

His statement of "It's not my responsibility to clean up X's mess" was not directed at our female friend that topped me. It was directed at our male friend that provided the rope, toys, and second set of hands on a few occasions.

I think this part needs some exploration. I thought his statement was directed towards the girl you played with. I was surprised to see it was directed at another guy who was only peripherally involved.

There may be something revealing there.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to newprofile2010)

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 11:27:54 PM

Zevar

Posts: 801
Status: offline

quote:

Yes, I did create a new profile in order to conceal something, that something being my three year old profile here on CM, which if/when my friends browse for posts would have taken them to this discussion. I wanted neutral feedback and so asked anonymously. Btw, I don't consider the people here strangers. I've gotten advice before, really, really helpful advice. That's the point of having an online community like this.

I suspected your motive was to conceal something. Regardless of your reasons we differ. When people willfully conceal their online identity naturally this raises valid questions. Unless there are eminent dangerous issues at hand concealment is not an option. There are some things that are not justifiable.

Could your willful attempt to conceal information and then minimize it have anything remotely related to why this man has denied you a satisfactory outcome to your presented melodramatic seemingly urgent issues? Since when is there a justifiable reason to conceal the truth? Do you not know what builds trust? Deliberately telling an untruth or withholding information is not justifiable. There are many ways to lie. However none of them are condoned in my value system.

Indeed you and I are strangers. I do not know you nor do you know I. It is moot to further any discussion your way as you justify concealment in a manner that is not within my value system. Save your so called words of wisdom concerning online communities benefits AND seemingly justifiable reasons to conceal all of the facts in a truthful manner. I for one do not trust a word you speak especially now having the motive of concealment coming to light.

Ever heard the following “Lie to me once call me foolish. Lie to me twice call yourself the fool.” Do you lie to this man you claim to care for deeply? Oh I see your lying only relates to online concealment when you deem it right.

Finally what does it matter to talk to anyone online when in the end you must face this man who has the right to know the whole truth with nothing justifiably manipulated regardless what anyone tells you online. In all fairness one sided conversations leave much excluded. Namely the perspective of the person not present is not granted common fairness to speak their viewpoint in one sided conversations.

Therefore frankly speaking my perspective remains unless of course the man with whom you have this issue with is presented with the option to speak for himself in this currently one sided presentation. I suspect your lying spills over into this relationship you speak of and to every area of your life. A much deeper issue indeed needs to be addressed. Justifed concealment or otherwise deception is what erodes at the foundation of any relationship, regardless if you were in need of care or not.

< Message edited by Zevar -- 8/10/2010 11:37:25 PM >

(in reply to newprofile2010)

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