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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/10/2010 11:29:46 PM

Zevar

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Concealment is never justifiable unless there are eminent dangerous issues at hand.

Take care!

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 12:43:49 AM

myotherself

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Having read through every message, there's not a whole lot I can add to the excellent advice offered.

I don't see malice anywhere, on either side. I see miscommunication, perhaps some jealousy, but nothing that a good conversation can't (hopefully) cure.

However I'm also a masochist who plays hard, and can get seriously bad subdrop for days afterwards if not cared for properly after playing (which is why I don't do casual play any more). I can cry for hours over nothing, feel numb, depressed, angry, desolate, unloved...pretty much every negative emotion you can think of. This overwhelming negativity CAN make a small problem into a major drama. I've learned the hard way to delay dealing with these situations until I'm feeling more 'normal'.

I suspect that your subdrop (which sounds pretty nasty) is colouring how you think and feel. Don't make any decisions until you are 'you' again. Do what has been suggested - lots of water, sugar and carbs. Try long, hot baths, relaxing walks, doing all those things that you normally do to cheer yourself up when you're feeling down.

Then, and only then, be prepared to have a heart to heart with the b/f.

I wish you both well.

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 5:10:33 AM

ProlificNeeds

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quote:

ORIGINAL: newprofile2010

quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds

Next point. Your friends. They played with you, they should have seen to your aftercare. One of thems hould have been wise enough to say "Lets sit down for a minute, or I'll come in with you and make sure you are settled alright before i go." That would have been the responsible and FRIENDISH thing to do. Dropping you off like a used prop was a bit dickish too. Again it was probably a mistake on everyone's part and I think that's the problem, everyone wants someone to blame, and no one intentionally did any of it that I can see, it was just bad judgement and bad circumstance.

Might also consider, you had soooo much fun, fun without him, that he was left out of, maybe that adds to his annoyance too? It sounds like there could be more issues at work here, and this was simply things coming to a head.

My friends DID come in with me. I should probably go back and edit the OP to clarify. They called my boyfriend, walked me to the elevator, rode up with me, helped me totter down the hallway, and then came IN the room to hand me physically to my boyfriend. They chatted for a moment, handed over my shoes, then they went to their own rooms with their last vision of me standing in the hotel room with my bf's arm around me.

The "left out" part I don't get, although I'm not discounting it, because he was having "alone time" with his other partner.

The friends part then, was simply midcommunication error, they were sure your BF was accepting responsibility for caring for you.

As for being 'left out' just because it's reasonable doesn't mean emotions will be rational in response. He was having alone time yes, but that doesn't mean he won't still be jealous that you went out and had a fabulous bashing time without him. He equated it to going to a bar and getting drunk and partying... would he have been mad if you had done that WITH him? I suspect not. It's because it was without him.
He was 'being the bigger man' by saying sure go play since I want alone time. Either he didn't entirely mean what he said or didn't realize himself how it would make him feel, but there seemed to be resentment afterwards, only talking with him can really narrow down the exact motives of those emotions.

My own simple comparison would be like..
"Hey lets go see this fabulous movie I know we would both enjoy!"

"Well I had something else planned for tonight... (that doesn't involve you)" *Guilt kicks in* "So why don't you go see the movie with yoru friends, go ahead and have a good time, eat junkfood till you burst and so on."

"Okay great! Thank you! Have a good time!"

"You too!"

Under the surface? He tells you to have a good time because he knows he's doing something without you to have fun, you should be allowed to go have fun without him too. We know as mature adults this is the right answer... HOWEVER. That's not how emotions work.
Secretly there's a bit of "... I wish you waited to go see that movie with me later." which can boil down to resentment. Maybe your evening was more fun than his, maybe he felt your entire evening over shadowed his because when you came back your evening still hadn't finished. It's guesswork at this point since I can't read minds, only way to really know for sure is talk.

And don't do that bullshit talking where you 'say the right thing' instead of what you're feeling. Seems like you've both been hiding emotions to 'do what's right'. You can still do what's right while venting and talking over those ugly bits too.

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 7:26:16 AM

laurell3

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quote:

Quite frankly I don't WANT to have another romantic or sexual partner. I'm pretty darn monogamous, that's just how I'm wired. After almost a year of infrequent play (he had a couple of deaths in the family) I decided I better get SOMEONE to whack me with a sharp stick before I went nuts - or something to that effect. Having our female friend just keep topping me by herself might be the workable solution here.
And the fact that he feels possessive (although he won't say it) is FINE with me, but he has to articulate it and not leave it for me to guess about.

I've been having a really hard time understanding how someone that was in a LTR could think that their entire relationship changed over one incident, this little snippet of information above is interesting and provides some background that was otherwise lacking and I think REALLY important. Look, the guy isn't perfect. Neither are you. Stop looking for blame and talk to him.

If he is not sexually active due to deaths in the family, he's probably sufferring from depression or having some other issue. I'd REALLY be focusing on that and his health rather than making too much of this one incident if I were you. If you are expecting him to behave like an emotionally healthy adult when he is not one, your expectations are unreasonable. I would worry about whether he can get back to being one and finding help for him if it were me in this situation.

Many men are not great at articulating feelings. We often have to open the door for them. Sometimes we have to shove them through it. Tell him you need him to talk to you about all of this and need his help understanding what is going on.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 8/11/2010 7:27:28 AM >

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 8:51:32 AM

newprofile2010

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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

I've been having a really hard time understanding how someone that was in a LTR could think that their entire relationship changed over one incident, this little snippet of information above is interesting and provides some background that was otherwise lacking and I think REALLY important. Look, the guy isn't perfect. Neither are you. Stop looking for blame and talk to him.

If he is not sexually active due to deaths in the family, he's probably sufferring from depression or having some other issue. I'd REALLY be focusing on that and his health rather than making too much of this one incident if I were you. If you are expecting him to behave like an emotionally healthy adult when he is not one, your expectations are unreasonable. I would worry about whether he can get back to being one and finding help for him if it were me in this situation.

Many men are not great at articulating feelings. We often have to open the door for them. Sometimes we have to shove them through it. Tell him you need him to talk to you about all of this and need his help understanding what is going on.

He's sexually active, enough for (up to a few months ago) three partners, and now enough for two. The infrequent play mentioned was specifically bdsm play, not sex by itself. He'd been traveling quite a bit for long stretches until this March, due to the family issues, and by infrequent I mean once every two or three months (these details just for clarification, not to say you're incorrect in saying that he's dealing with some issues).

I've offered support, friends have offered, he insists he's "fine" and gets angry at the very idea that he might need to talk. ALL of his partners (we've even paired up to do it) have tried to sit down and talk with him.

We'll be talking again as soon as I feel better. I know if we talked right now I wouldn't respond as I probably ought to. I really felt fine about the fumbled aftercare until we DID talk about it the next day, writing it off as anything from ignorance, sleepiness, emotional issues, etc. It was the deliberate and calculated repetitions of "I'm not responsible for you, that's not my problem, I can't believe how you imposed on me, it's your fault for expecting me to clean up th mess you made (or X made)" that had me looking at him like his head was spinning around. I mean, I thought we were responsible for each other. To me that's what the emotional terms of our relationship were. If you had asked me the day before who among all of the people that I know could be counted on in an emergency, his name would have been at the top of the list. Now it isn't even on the list, not due to his actions but due to his statements.

Maybe phrasing it like you suggested, that "I" need to know what's going on instead of him possibly needing something, might be helpful.

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 9:07:57 AM

laurell3

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I'm not suggesting that it makes it easier for you. You always have the right to have your needs met by a relationship as well. I'm just suggesting that IF he is struggling with emotional issues, it may mean that he isn't all that able to see things as clearly as he has before. It's a difficult situation no doubt. I tend to approach these conversations with open-ended questions that don't suggest that any paticular answer is the appropriate answer. I mean you want to know how he feels, not how you think he should right? At this point I don't think attaching blame is the issue, but attempting to resolve the feeling that your relationship has changed into something that doesn't meet your need for security is.

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 9:15:03 AM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: newprofile2010

LadyPact -

We did skip the aftercare negotiation. I figured it would be handled like the other times, but doing negotiations each and every time is now something I will do with him.

But yes to the waiting a week for any major decisions!

I trimmed just for the sake of space. Not that I thought the other comments were not important.

I've read the other replies on the thread. All of yours included. I am going to tell you that I agree with something that was said earlier. It's impossible to try to give all of the pertinent information in a beginning post. There's no way to explain everything that's going on without writing the equivalent of a book. That's one of the drawbacks to creating a new profile to post your situation. While I understand that you didn't want people to know who you are, you have to take both sides of it when you create a profile to bring an issue. If you've been here over time, I'm sure you knew that.

There are some things that I'm seeing in this thread that I'm not especially sure are being taken into account. I've read a lot of folks say that they would have done this or that had they been in your boyfriend's position. They were all very admirable and I commend the folks that said them. I'm glad there are folks out there who would have handled it so well.

I'm here to tell you. Not all of those responses would have been Mine.

I know Me. I know I'm not a perfect person. I know that I go full steam if I'm at an event like the one it sounds like you were attending. I know that I wear Myself completely out and I'm probably exhausted at whatever time I went to sleep. This is even more true if I was doing My thing before that (you mentioned he had private time with his other partner while you were gone) and I would have been out cold when My head hit the pillow. I know what I'm like if I get woke up in the middle of the night and I know how I react if I'm dead asleep and someone puts their cold hands on Me. I know it's not pretty. I know that I might not react well and I even know that I might forget exactly how the situation went because I know I sleep that hard and there is a chance that I don't understand what happened.

This is all coming to you from a woman who is more than experienced with severe reactions after play. That's something that your boyfriend didn't have. Yes, you got him a book. We all know that reading something in a book is different than experiencing it for the first time. Even more so in the middle of the night when you really don't know what happened in the 'before' part. He didn't see your scene. He didn't know how hard you played or how deep you were in space. Even you said it was more than you had ever done before. Those are facts he didn't have.

I keep hearing this word jealousy in the thread often. I'm not especially sure that's the case. He might have some about other people's skills, but I'm not thinking that was a primary motivation for what happened. If that's an in general thing, I'm seeing that as a separate issue. Something for the two of you to discuss and maybe he may want to work on, yes, but not what I'm really seeing at the core of this issue. (I do see maybe some other classes on topping for him in the future, even though you just got back from an event.)

Also, you mention during the thread that you had two choices of dealing with this during the remainder of the event. I get why you faked it, but at the same time, this didn't give him information. The term blissfully ignorant comes to mind. To keep things going smooth, you didn't let him know how important this was to you. Again, I understand, but that also means that he didn't have all of the facts.

Truthfully, at that time of night, if I was sleeping while you played, I probably would have expected the top you played with to give you the aftercare. I wouldn't have been there. I wouldn't have seen what was happening OR expect you to come back to the room in the shape you were in. I'd have gone to sleep knowing you were having fun. It would have been handled differently than the times that I was fully awake in the same room that you were playing in where someone brought you over to Me. It wouldn't be because I didn't care about you. It would be that I would expect the top that played to care about you. There is responsibility there, even if you wanted your boyfriend. That's the person who did know all of the facts.

The talk that you and your boyfriend need to have needs to include all of the facts that he's been kept in the dark about. That's the fair way to handle this.

Just a few thoughts from an imperfect person who can't be expected to be perfect in every situation that might happen.

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 9:17:16 AM

lizi

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I recently went through an accident that left me with serious injuries. I found that people do not always come through the way you want them too. It's not because they're bad people or wrong...they just can't deal with things the way you expected them too. Everyone is different and there are so many different circumstances that weigh in...it was quite eye-opening for me.

Some people totally surprised me with the how much they did for me - the depth they were capable of was astonishing. I totally didn't see it coming. Some of the people closest to me did not come through for me the way I anticipated, and after the initial disappointment where I felt like cutting them out of my life I eventually found out what their reasons were for distancing themselves from me and while I can't excuse what they did, I DO understand it now. It's taken me a good couple of weeks to put all the puzzle pieces together on why some reacted the way they they did. Dealing with people and emotions is never easy or quick, please take some time and talk to him before making any big decisions. Some things take a little bit of time to come to light...

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 9:26:55 AM

newprofile2010

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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

At this point I don't think attaching blame is the issue, but attempting to resolve the feeling that your relationship has changed into something that doesn't meet your need for security is.

This is why I love the message boards! Condensing the issue into the core point (or points) is hard for me to do without a lot of talking. I can do it for other people, but my own things require digging. He does best when I can present a succinct sentence or two about what the issue is, while I am more of a novella girl. Thank you for that description, it really helped and will be used almost verbatim when we talk.

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 9:42:58 AM

newprofile2010

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Also, you mention during the thread that you had two choices of dealing with this during the remainder of the event. I get why you faked it, but at the same time, this didn't give him information. The term blissfully ignorant comes to mind. To keep things going smooth, you didn't let him know how important this was to you. Again, I understand, but that also means that he didn't have all of the facts.

[/color]

I do give a lot of leeway for, and a few days later have relaxed more about the actual event itself. I hate being woken up and will give a mile of leeway for that alone.

We did have a discussion, the very next day at the event, about the incident - it's the discussion that bothered me more than the incident did.

quote:

This is not the part I'm upset about.

The next afternoon we talk about the incident. HERE is what I am upset about.

In the jumbled and terribly long discussion, he revealed a few things I wasn't aware of the night before. MY impression had been that he was shockingly ignorant, but as we don't play very hard, none of his past partners have played very hard, and I've never had that intense of a reaction before. I figured that he simply needed to be told what it was and how to deal with it next time. He was woken up unexpectedly and didn't understand, that was my impression.

No.

He gave an array of comments ranging from "It's like you went out and got drunk on purpose and then came and woke me up, it's not like you fell down the stairs accidentally", "If you burned your house down deliberately and then came to me and wanted to move into mine, I wouldn't be responsible for you then", and my favorite "I'm not responsible for picking up the pieces of X's mess" (referring to our mutual friend that co-topped me).

If he really does feel that our relationship boundaries do not include being responsible for one another, then it's a different relationship than what I thought we had. When he said these things I defended my point of view, but then realized that it would only devolve into a huge fight if we kept going, so be better for all if I could sit on it for 24 hours. I sat, but that means he thought the issue was resolved, true. We'll see what comes out of our next discussion. I'll be using a lot of the really helpful advice that has been offered here, so thanks everyone for taking the time and effort to give your input.

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 10:19:08 AM

lally2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: newprofile2010

.If he really does feel that our relationship boundaries do not include being responsible for one another, then it's a different relationship than what I thought we had. When he said these things I defended my point of view, but then realized that it would only devolve into a huge fight if we kept going, so be better for all if I could sit on it for 24 hours. I sat, but that means he thought the issue was resolved, true. We'll see what comes out of our next discussion. I'll be using a lot of the really helpful advice that has been offered here, so thanks everyone for taking the time and effort to give your input.

may i ask, after two years of knowing him and one year of being with him how this has suddenly become a news breaker to you. what do you think actually made him say that and how has it suddenly become a different realtionship after this play session with friends.

presumably he must have made you feel as if he took his share of his responsibility before, for you to make this comparison.

i dont see how someone could have changed so much in one night unless there was some sort of trigger.

from skipping through the posts i picked up on a couple of things that have stayed in my head. one is that he hasnt been particularly active BDSM wise and the other is that youve never blissed out quite so much before. i dont know, i wonder if these two things are a factor.

forgive me, but i think youre looking at it very much from where you stand and feel right now, as the injured party and not really looking into why he has suddenly altered.

im not saying jealousy, bu im wondering whether his lost appetite in BDSM and youre great night, coming home affected profoundly by what other people did with you - something he cant for whatever reason provide for you, kicked off his hubris.

im just asking that maybe a moment or two reflecting on him, the person youve known for two years, might help you to see his side a little clearer.

in any case, i wish you both the best with this.

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 2:30:33 PM

KariCloud

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quote:

ORIGINAL: newprofile2010
I do not do relationships based on hints. I do relationships based on clear, direct communication. If he has provided information before the event about what his preferences were, I would have obeyed that. Since he did not, and since we had encountered a nearly identical situation before, I based my expectations on what our past arrangements were.

Him not meeting your expectations this one time says nothing about his ability to provide critical help during emergencies.

I'd say, without knowing anything of his side of the story, that you dropped the ball on this one and aren't being considerate of him at all. What if HE was experiencing an endorphin rollercoaster just as much as you were, and had been sleeping it off? Would that change your perception of the event any? Didn't you say he was playing/having sex/being intimate with his other partner? You knew when you asked if he was ok with you playing, that he'd be doing his own playing with the other partner, yes? What if he had the same exact expectation that YOU did: that you'd care for him after he played with his other partner, what then? Why would your aftercare be more important than his? Try putting yourself in his place, and I think you'd find yourself pretty irritated if someone had done that to you.

It sucks, but mistakes happen. Relationships work better when there is clear, direct communication, you're right about that. But YOU need to hold yourself to that as much as you hold him to that. You're the one who made assumptions here, not him. Neither of you had any agreement to aftercare beforehand. That other time you described is not even remotely "nearly identical" and even if it were, one other time does not constitute a "usual occurrence" enough to be a safe assumption to make. If I were him, I'd want you to apologize for your mistake and agree to be clear about expectations beforehand if there ever is a next time. Oh, and an apology for blaming him when you are responsible for what happened wouldn't hurt, too.

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 2:41:30 PM

travisaj1986

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This has nothing to do with BDSM D/s or aftercare. What it has to do with is dependability, accountability, and commitment. That person needs to be the one you can count on no matter what! Don't know how serious the relationship is, but know this; Later on in your life if you decide to take this relationship to the next level, more important decisions will come up that require both of you to be 100% dependable to and for each other. There are far more difficult things in life that both of you will have to live through, that will require that both of you are acting as one to face some of the things in this world that will try and tear you apart. The least of which is asking to be held, or getting you a glass of water.

Easy decision.

Leave him and tell him exactly why.

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 2:47:07 PM

laurell3

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When you find someone that is 100% perfect at never making an error or never letting someone else down, let us know. We'll be waiting.

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 2:54:44 PM

CalifChick

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quote:

ORIGINAL: newprofile2010

He'd been traveling quite a bit for long stretches until this March, due to the family issues...

It was the deliberate and calculated repetitions of "I'm not responsible for you, that's not my problem, I can't believe how you imposed on me, it's your fault for expecting me to clean up th mess you made (or X made)" that had me looking at him like his head was spinning around.

Do you think he might be feeling overwhelmed with family stuff and this was the proverbial straw? Do you think he might be verbalizing to you what he cannot verbalize to his own family? That he has felt responsible for them in a way that he resents?

Just more possibilities.

Cali

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 4:44:52 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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She's already said she doesn't want people knowing who she is here, because her bf and her and her friends all run in the same social circles, and she wants to get un biased advice, talk it out with out worry of people knowing who she was, and possibly haveing her friends potentially running across her questioning her relationship and something important going on in her head and heart.

If you don't like sock puppet accounts, so someone can ask a question with a sense of anonymity, then it's your right, but don't try to pass your idea that it's not right, she can't do that onto someone else.

Nobody told her to manipulate the truth, or justify lying to her partner, I don't see where you read that.

And it can do a lot of good to talk problems out before going to your partner with them. Even if you use a sock puppet name to do so.

She could of just flown off the handle and ended the relationship based on her feelings, instead of trying to talk about it and work it out with others first, but she chose to come here, calm down and see the situation by the light of day so to speak.

Heaven forbid any one ever need support figuring stuff out before taking it to their partner.

And finally in the end if you don't like her put her on ignore, don't spew accusations and text diarrhea at her.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Zevar

Finally what does it matter to talk to anyone online when in the end you must face this man who has the right to know the whole truth with nothing justifiably manipulated regardless what anyone tells you online. In all fairness one sided conversations leave much excluded. Namely the perspective of the person not present is not granted common fairness to speak their viewpoint in one sided conversations.

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 5:05:39 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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I don't think you have to be 100 percent perfect or mistake free to be someone a partner can count on 100 percent. Just don't say and do things like well ............ situation isn't my responsibility you did it to yourself so tough shit. Be as supportive as you can and then when all's calm again, talk rationally.

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

When you find someone that is 100% perfect at never making an error or never letting someone else down, let us know. We'll be waiting.

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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 5:26:26 PM

Zevar

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

She's already said she doesn't want people knowing who she is here, because her bf and her and her friends all run in the same social circles, and she wants to get un biased advice, talk it out with out worry of people knowing who she was, and possibly haveing her friends potentially running across her questioning her relationship and something important going on in her head and heart.

If you don't like sock puppet accounts, so someone can ask a question with a sense of anonymity, then it's your right, but don't try to pass your idea that it's not right, she can't do that onto someone else.

Nobody told her to manipulate the truth, or justify lying to her partner, I don't see where you read that.

And it can do a lot of good to talk problems out before going to your partner with them. Even if you use a sock puppet name to do so.

She could of just flown off the handle and ended the relationship based on her feelings, instead of trying to talk about it and work it out with others first, but she chose to come here, calm down and see the situation by the light of day so to speak.

Heaven forbid any one ever need support figuring stuff out before taking it to their partner.

And finally in the end if you don't like her put her on ignore, don't spew accusations and text diarrhea at her.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Zevar

Finally what does it matter to talk to anyone online when in the end you must face this man who has the right to know the whole truth with nothing justifiably manipulated regardless what anyone tells you online. In all fairness one sided conversations leave much excluded. Namely the perspective of the person not present is not granted common fairness to speak their viewpoint in one sided conversations.

Greetings:

My reply to you will be brief as I am on my way to a dinner party with a special lady friend. To begin I will say that I am rather perplexed at your choice to speak for the Op who has clearly demonstrated her ability to speak for herself. I do believe that what I needed to say I said to the Op. I recognize you have demonized my words while vulgarizing the genuine sincerity I offered. Obviously you have the right to conduct yourself as you choose.

Perchance in the future you might look for the deeper meaning behind the surface meaning of words while attempting to become objective and recognize that without integrity the character of a person, regardless the gender, is profoundly lacking and not worthy of trust. If that statement further irritated you or puzzles you perhaps you will understand that personal boundaries are different for each individual.

Clearly it appears you are simply seeking unwarrented attention by reciting altogether inaccurate improprieties regarding my genuine sincerity in replying to the OP. Clearly your choice to do such, in this instance, is unsuitable at best. I could say more at another time yet to do so would only serve to be counter-productive based on your tawdry entry. Nonetheless may you enjoy your evening. I know I plan to! I bid you well!

Take care!

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Post #: 78

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 5:32:58 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
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True you're talking to her, but I took offense with the idea that someone can't come on here and talk things out with a fake Id, and someone tell them they're a liar who's concealing something and everything she says may just be a lie in your book, since she chose to come talk to us as a fake Id.

Telling someone you believe them to be a liar, and don't believe a word they say, is what you consider " genuine sincerity"?

Yes I will be enjoying my evening, glad o hear you are going to enjoy yours.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Zevar

Greetings:

My reply to you will be brief as I am on my way to a dinner party with a special lady friend. To begin I will say that I am rather perplexed at your choice to speak for the Op who has clearly demonstrated her ability to speak for herself. I do believe that what I needed to say I said to the Op. I recognize you have demonized my words while vulgarizing the genuine sincerity I offered. Obviously you have the right to conduct yourself as you choose.

Perchance in the future you might look for the deeper meaning behind the surface meaning of words while attempting to become objective and recognize that without integrity the character of a person, regardless the gender, is profoundly lacking and not worthy of trust. If that statement further irritated you or puzzles you perhaps you will understand that personal boundaries are different for each individual.

Clearly it appears you are simply seeking unwarrented attention by reciting altogether inaccurate improprieties regarding my genuine sincerity in replying to the OP. Clearly your choice to do such, in this instance, is unsuitable at best. I could say more at another time yet to do so would only serve to be counter-productive based on your tawdry entry. Nonetheless may you enjoy your evening. I know I plan to! I bid you well!

Take care!

_____________________________

One world under lube with vibrators and dildo's for all! quote from the sex toy 101 book

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Post #: 79

RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 8/11/2010 5:36:10 PM

newprofile2010

Posts: 33
Joined: 8/9/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

Do you think he might be feeling overwhelmed with family stuff and this was the proverbial straw? Do you think he might be verbalizing to you what he cannot verbalize to his own family? That he has felt responsible for them in a way that he resents?

Just more possibilities.

Cali

That is, well that is profound. And quite probable.

He's been responsible for them, or at least has stepped up and shouldered that burden, for a long time. He would never say that he resents it, but "I" would resent it if I had been in his family situation.

If it was him verbalizing to me what he's needed to say to other people for years then hooray for instant therapy, I just wish I hadn't been on the receiving end.

The "crisis" part of the responsibilities ended about six months ago, but I know it can take time for things to work their way up emotionally. Especially for him. This makes sense.

And then the question arises of what to do if engaging in any kind of "responsibility" dynamic with me (lack of interest in any bdsm activities, not wanting to be the one providing aftercare, chronic flip flopping about moving to a more D/s dynamic) is too much for him right now because he's burned out from taking care of people, yet by NOT doing it he has to deal with issues of "failing" to do something he thinks he should (his words on prior issues). That's a rock and a hard place.

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