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I need feedback. I would ask my kinky friends for advice, but since my partner is also friends with almost all of them there does not seem to be a neutral outlet - other than the random wonder of the CM message boards. With that in mind I'm asking under a new profile made just for this occasion. Please let me know what you think.
I am viewing the following situation one way and would like to get opinions from people that might have a more balanced view of the matter.
Preface - my boyfriend/top and I have known each other for two years, been dating nearly a year. His other partner has known us both for about two years and has been seeing him for few months. I don't know if that matters, but I read through the post and figured someone might ask, so I added it.
Two days ago on Saturday night, my boyfriend and I were at a kink event in a city other than our own. We were sharing a hotel room with his other partner, and quite a few of our friends were also at the event. After asking him if he wanted to play, either in the room or in the dungeon at the hotel - or just come down and be with me while I tried out the fire cupping or some other tasty new experience - he declined. One of our female friends had expressed interest (bouncing enthusiasm) at the prospect of topping me (we've played before), and I asked if that would be alright with him. He agreed that would be alright.
Our mutual friend that will be topping me arrived at the hotel room door, and I once again clarify what he is comfortable with me doing for the evening. Can I play with anyone? What is acceptable? I'm asking this again because there are professional riggers downstairs and lots of other people that can do awesome cool things. If I get the opportunity I want to take advantage of it. Do I have blanket permission to play?
He say yes, I have a blanket permission to play with anyone. Off we go to the dungeon!
I have a great time with my friend, aided a few times during the scene by another of our mutual friends (being flogged and shocked at the same time is really cool). Unexpectedly, and awesomely, I have my first ever orgasm from pain (and shoulder pain at that!). Tres cool and completely unexpected. Afterward I get that teeth chattering spacey feeling, quite a lot faster and harder than ever before. At my repeated requests to go see my boyfriend, my friends wrap me in towels and help me to my room. At this point everyone is still happy. They walk me through the door and drop me off, thinking I'll be well taken care of.
I am not received very warmly. It's obvious that I've woken him up and he's grumpy about it. I'm freezing and thirsty and having issues with coordination, so ask for some water. He tells me where it is, but that seems really far away. I lie down in bed and try to get warm by touching him, but my hands are ice cold and he keeps telling me to get them off of him. After repeated requests for water he finally hands me a small glass, in the dark, and I spill it in the bed. I'm profusely apologetic, thinking that I should tell him my hands don't work, but I can't make that come out. He tells me to get a towel and I say I don't know where they are. He then tells me where they are and I sit up in bed, but can't make the mental connections required to get a towel. I tell him I can't do it, and huffily he goes to get one. The bed cleaned up I try to curl up against him again, but am told to get my hands off him since they are cold. There was a request for a cookie in there a few times, but exactly where I'm not sure.
It's at this point where I start to get upset (I was blissed out and insulated before) and plead for him to talk to me, tell me a story, even say the ABC's, just for a few minutes. Somehow I manage to articulate "endorphin reaction - cold, need you to be nice to me RIGHT NOW". Finally I get cuddles and a minute of two of talking. I'm still ragingly thirsty and know I need to eat something, but I give up and drift off to sleep.
This is not the part I'm upset about.
The next afternoon we talk about the incident. HERE is what I am upset about.
In the jumbled and terribly long discussion, he revealed a few things I wasn't aware of the night before. MY impression had been that he was shockingly ignorant, but as we don't play very hard, none of his past partners have played very hard, and I've never had that intense of a reaction before. I figured that he simply needed to be told what it was and how to deal with it next time. He was woken up unexpectedly and didn't understand, that was my impression.
No.
He gave an array of comments ranging from "It's like you went out and got drunk on purpose and then came and woke me up, it's not like you fell down the stairs accidentally", "If you burned your house down deliberately and then came to me and wanted to move into mine, I wouldn't be responsible for you then", and my favorite "I'm not responsible for picking up the pieces of X's mess" (referring to our mutual friend that co-topped me).
I found myself arguing for why he should have given aftercare, telling him that ANY of our friends, or hell, complete strangers at the event, would have stopped what they were doing and assisted me. I explained that it was unexpected, that I'd never had a reaction that intense before, and that I thought having his permission to go play meant he understood I would be coming back several hours later, and that would be LATE. I had to explain that it was very, very common for a bottom to want aftercare from their relationship partner, not necessarily the person that topped them. I even agreed to not play so late ever again, or if I did to go back to our friend's room. I offered to arrange for aftercare with our friends next time, since he found the idea of providing it after a scene with someone else so repugnant.
Now, at that time there was still a day left of the fetish event, and I had a choice. I could do what I felt was appropriate... explain that he wasn't my top, my boyfriend of even my friend if he couldn't be counted on in an unexpected moment of crisis, and ruin the rest of the event for all of us... or fake it.
I faked it.
I lasted all the way through that evening and check out the next day, through the ride home.. and then as I'm getting in my car to drive to my house he asked if I wanted a hug. I wanted no such thing, but with his other partner (she's a friend) in the car, I sucked it up and hugged.
In the last 24 hours since I returned home I've been completely numb. I feel nothing for this man. I also feel nothing for my new kitten, have slept about 16 hours, and am not hungry. I'm impressed with myself because I was able to put on clothes and drive to the bank. I'm in a black pit of nothingness, life has lost all color and interest, and I have no desire for anything. With the 20% of my brain able to function I realize this is endorphin drop and will go away.
Here is my question - Right now I feel like ending the relationship. I feel that so many levels of trust have been violated I will never feel anything for him again. I don't even count him as a friend, because any of my friends would have taken care of me in that situation. He knew where I was going, agreed to my going, and as my lover and supposed friend has a responsibility to deal with things that may arise even if they are inconvenient and make him feel things he would rather not feel. I could easily never speak to him again, and that thought is really "out there" for me. We say "I love you", we've met each other's family, have intertwined lives and a huge group of shared friends... but none of that matters to me at the moment. And that's really weird.
However, I am not making this decision now (even though it would be easy as I feel no attachment at all, no anger, nothing but numbness). I realize that he has issues with other people being more experienced in bdsm activities (he had a 4 year relationship that ended recently (they remain friends) and HER new partner is good with rope, other toys, etc). I realize that this may have also hit on issues of his alcoholic father coming home at 2am every morning and waking everyone in the house up and demanding to be dealt with. Go through that for over a decade and you might have some baggage.
I would like to toss this to the CM boards and get feedback. I've never felt like this before, and the combination of lovely blankness with crushing ennui is not a place to make decisions from, I know. Hopefully I'll get some good (or funny, funny would be good right now) advice over the next few days.
Thanks.
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Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 
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RE: Grudgingly given aftercare - long post - 
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