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Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 7:15:38 PM

jewelofthenight

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Joined: 4/20/2006
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i was wondering if any other subs have been through this. i have been submissive all my life it seems, and a couple of years ago i met a man I love dearly. Not really a problem but our sex life is purely vanilla. I tried to introduce him to what I like and he was mildly discusted. It is just not his thing. So any way, i have lived out of the lifestyle basically pushing back the urges and feelings that fufill me. So after lots of anguish I started to look for a partner that could help me with that. I did not want to leave my husband. Subsequently I found a wonderful Dom who understands. I could never tell my husband, it would devastate him, so the poly lifestyle is out of the question. So I wonder if anyone could give me insight if they have had a similar situation. I would appreciate it.

Thanks,
jewel

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"Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says otherwise is selling something." -Westley to Buttercup

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 7:20:21 PM

Areflectionofyou

Posts: 258
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shame on you for cheating

(in reply to jewelofthenight)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 7:21:33 PM

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same here

(in reply to Areflectionofyou)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 7:23:01 PM

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Joined: 6/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jewelofthenight

i was wondering if any other subs have been through this. i have been submissive all my life it seems, and a couple of years ago i met a man I love dearly. Not really a problem but our sex life is purely vanilla. I tried to introduce him to what I like and he was mildly discusted. It is just not his thing. So any way, i have lived out of the lifestyle basically pushing back the urges and feelings that fufill me. So after lots of anguish I started to look for a partner that could help me with that. I did not want to leave my husband. Subsequently I found a wonderful Dom who understands. I could never tell my husband, it would devastate him, so the poly lifestyle is out of the question. So I wonder if anyone could give me insight if they have had a similar situation. I would appreciate it.

Thanks,
jewel

It sounds like it was enough of a problem for you to go outside of your marriage for sex.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to jewelofthenight)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 7:23:47 PM

saltygoodness27

Posts: 28
Joined: 12/22/2005
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My advice? Starting looking for a lawyer...you're going to need one.

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RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 7:24:20 PM

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You'll end up either divorced or miserable. Get out now.

quote:

ORIGINAL: jewelofthenight

So I wonder if anyone could give me insight if they have had a similar situation. I would appreciate it.

(in reply to jewelofthenight)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 7:25:32 PM

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Joined: 4/19/2006
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same thing happened to me. very complicated. but you gotta do what you gotta do. life is way to complicated.

(in reply to MistressRaquel)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 7:25:48 PM

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From: Charleston, WV
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There are many who have done what you have done, for various reasons. While many of us think that this is cheating, also for various reason, in the end, it's you who have to come to terms with it, not us. Other than that, I'm not quite sure what you're asking other than trying to find others in the same situation as you. What areas of "insights" are you looking for?

Fire

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(in reply to jewelofthenight)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 7:27:29 PM

VvShadowspawnvV

Posts: 218
Joined: 3/27/2006
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i understand being married to a vanilla man, and not being happy. i understand having the need for more. i worry about a "Dom" who abets you in a lie of this sort. Honesty is very important. i don't believe your marriage will withstand such a thing- nor do i believe that a man who will have you on such terms is trustworthy. In a relationship, and especially in a D/s relationship, trust and honesty are THE two most important things, in my opinion. You have set yourself up with neither. Only my two cents. i do hope things work out for the best, whatever happens.

becca

(in reply to Areflectionofyou)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 7:27:36 PM

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and what people are telling you about divorce... i dont agree. not necesarily. i set my slave free and still maried and happy.

(in reply to MistressRaquel)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 7:29:57 PM

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From: fl, usa
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i have not been in the same situation, but i have been in similar situations in terms of infidelity, and i can tell you that NOT telling him will eventually devastate him. if he DOES find out, which is fairly likely, it will do him a lot more harm than just being straight and talking it out with him.

i would suggest maybe discussing the fact that you wish to look for fulfillment for these needs outside your marriage WITH your husband, and if you are not willing to tell him about what's been going on, then just allude to the fact that you might be interested in looking for someone to serve this role in your life without letting on that you've already explored that. see how he reacts. perhaps tell him you'd like to go to marriage/sexual counseling to discuss the differences in both of your sexual needs...this can greatly strengthen any relationship or marriage, whether or not you're having issues, and it's something i'd recommend to anyone.

another thing to ponder is that submission is not just about what goes on in the bedroom. for example, i could have a purely vanilla relationship and still be submissive to the man i love, whether or not he exhibits purely dominant qualities. consider maybe acting submissively towards him outside the bedroom - for example, spend more time doing things for him that he enjoys, learn about things he's interested in, maybe learn to cook different dishes he likes, something along those lines. submission isn't always about kinky sex, and this might fulfill some of your desires to serve.

i don't understand what you mean by "not really a problem." i'm not judging you, per se, but in general, i think if someone has to seek fulfillment outside of their relationship without their significant other's agreement, it IS definitely a problem. something you might want to consider, and this is advice that i give a lot of friends who are having problems of any sort in their relationship in terms of differences on an issue, is whether or not this is something that's HUGELY important to you. for example, i don't go out with a laundry list of qualities i like to see in a significant other, but i know that i would be unhappy in a relationship that was not 24/7 D/s. that's just not something i'm willing to compromise on. one of my roommates knows that she would be unhappy in a relationship with someone who didn't see sex as an important emotional component. my other roommate knows she'd be unhappy with someone who wasn't completely a pacifist. these are things they won't compromise on. you will probably come to a point where you'll have to decide whether or not having an overt D/s dynamic in your relationship/in the bedroom is more important to you than your relationship with your husband, because, at least imho, it's not fair to him to seek that outside the relationship without his knowledge. it's not necessarily bad if that's something that you won't compromise on - having the D/s aspect of a relationship, that is - but it does mean that there are choices to be made.

i'm just speaking from experience, but NOT expressing these things to your husband is likely to cause MUCH more damage than being open about things, whatever the effects of the latter may be.

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(in reply to jewelofthenight)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 7:32:09 PM

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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My best friend is in this situation and on her second dominant. Be warned, her first dom became besotted with her and tried to get her to leave her hubby and then stalked her. He called her employer (she is a school teacher) and attempted to her her fired. It got so ugly she had to get an order of protection against him and at that point her hubby found out.

She has since told her hubby she is going to get her needs met outside their marriage since he can't do it... My heart hurts to see how she has struggled to come to terms with this. These choices often have surprising results, and some of them are not pleasant... I wish you luck and send you light!

(in reply to jewelofthenight)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 7:32:46 PM

saltygoodness27

Posts: 28
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

Honestly, now that I got a little bit of my anger out about this all too typical situation, you're faced with a choice. You need to think about what is more important to you, your marriage or BDSM. Either one is a valid choice, but the best way to look at it is an either or situation. You can have one or the other, but trying to have both doesn't serve anyone's best interests including your own. As others have said, a partner who would help you with this is someone who does not hold honesty in high esteem, and your husband won't thank you for it either. Think about your priorities and decide what you want. And give your husband another chance. I have heard stories about people who were a bit creeped out at first but it started to grow on them more and more over time.

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(in reply to MistressRaquel)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 7:55:07 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jewelofthenight

I could never tell my husband, it would devastate him, so the poly lifestyle is out of the question.

Generally speaking, when one hides an affair to * protect * their spouse, it's they themselves that fear the devastation that would come from the truth. If you were truely worried about your husbands possible devastation, you would not be risking it in the first place. You seem quite willing to risk him being devastated., since you have created the risk factor yourself. Others have said it.. he WILL find out.. it's just a matter of time.

mbmbn

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Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

(in reply to jewelofthenight)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 8:11:07 PM

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Joined: 4/4/2006
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I don’t condone what you are doing, but I have not been in that situation either. To me vows are sacred and should not be taken lightly. You have broken those vows of marriage.

quote:

have been submissive all my life it seems,

Then this is something that should have been discussed in the beginning. I think VvShadowspawnvV said it best

quote:

In a relationship, and especially in a D/s relationship, trust and honesty are THE two most important things, in my opinion. You have set yourself up with neither.

I hope you figure things out and decide what is more important to you.

~poe

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~poe

I'm mad, you're mad, we're all mad here, it's the fad for many a year, if you think we're crazy my dear, you're right cause I'M mad, YOU'RE mad, we're ALL mad here! - Mad Hatter

(in reply to jewelofthenight)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 8:15:08 PM

jewelofthenight

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Joined: 4/20/2006
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i am sorry that i have angered so many people and i am just sorrry...

i really am devistated over this i feel like i tormented soul. i will go back to the one i love. I thought there would be some compassion here but i see i am the one at wrong here.

i will try not to bother your forum any more, Thank you for the direction.
julie

_____________________________

"Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says otherwise is selling something." -Westley to Buttercup

(in reply to maybemaybenot)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 8:17:41 PM

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I have never been in such a situation, nor can I imagine what it must feel like. I will neither condemn nor condone. You obviously need to decide though which ( or who ) is more important because in the end, the guilt will eat you up, or your husband will discover what you are doing.
I wish you luck.

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~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to jewelofthenight)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 8:30:55 PM

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Joined: 3/13/2005
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I know your situation very well, I am married to a women who is not Domme
but i am submissive like you. I loved her before i understood my sexuality,
so when i discovered it gradually over many years i was too embarrassed
to tell her. I was in agony about cheating on her yet she was not fullfilling
my sexual needs, she and I had a deep emotional attachment but not a sexual one.
To make a long story short she found out eventually by reading some dairies
i left out by mistake one day, she went nuts, she went to counselling and
its was hell for several years. Finally i found a kink aware therapist
who explained it all to her and we tried kink with mixed success.
If you could ever get him into it it will takes years of patience on your
part and a deep emotional commitment since the pain will be terrible
for a long time. My advice is to come clean and separate for a while
and see how it goes. I hope you find a kink aware therapist they
are aroiund in most states now
good luck

(in reply to jewelofthenight)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 8:45:52 PM

Posts: 395
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From: fl, usa
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jewelofthenight

i am sorry that i have angered so many people and i am just sorrry...

i really am devistated over this i feel like i tormented soul. i will go back to the one i love. I thought there would be some compassion here but i see i am the one at wrong here.

i will try not to bother your forum any more, Thank you for the direction.
julie

first of all, you are not a bother. my post wasn't meant to come across as anger...i have sympathy and understanding for you, i just feel as though i can't condone what you're doing, so i am telling you what i would do if i were in your situation in the hopes that maybe those suggestions might help you.

this doesn't mean we don't care about you or your well-being, or that we are angry with you. we just don't agree with you and we are being honest about it. i have much compassion for your situation and for the dilemma you are in, but that doesn't mean i'll excuse something i believe to be fundamentally wrong.

i hope you will stick around the forums, and that your situation turns out for the best. if you ever want to talk - about anything - please do not hesitate to message me.

we, or at least i, am not here to judge you...i am simply commenting on your actions, and i of all people know pretty damn well that we're all human and we all make mistakes and do things for the wrong reasons or do the wrong things for the right reasons or whatever. i have a lot of compassion for you. that just isn't preventing me from being honest in a way that i hope might help the situation. i'm perfectly willing to say i don't have all, any, or the right answers, though. :) this is ultimately something that you need to work out yourself in a way that makes you happy yet doesn't hurt others, not how we or anyone else thinks is right.

*hugs* best of luck to you, and i do hope you'll stick around the boards.

< Message edited by fullofgrace -- 4/20/2006 8:47:42 PM >

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(in reply to jewelofthenight)

RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage - 4/20/2006 8:53:47 PM

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From: Toronto
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I have to say, I agree with what many have said. My philosophy in life is to not leave myself open to blackmail, personal risks, etc.... The fewer secrets you have, the less people can hurt you. If this Master wants to hurt you in some way eventually, as someone else has said, all he has to do is "accidentally" call you at the wrong time, leave a bruise or mark, etc... If you tell your husband now, he can get angry, he can divorce you, or he can forgive you in the interest of the marriage, and perhaps even condone it.

If he finds out from something other than you, you cannot even argue you came clean eventually. Whatever may happen now will be worse when he does find out from someone else. Otherwise you will always have to keep it a secret, live in fear, and do a half assed job as a wife AND as a sub. Better to have closure on the issue.

Yours,

benji

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(in reply to fullofgrace)

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