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RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/6/2010 8:29:23 PM

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
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Well, there went 15 minutes of my life I will never get back....reading this thread....lol. Not sure why it was even posted as "rude" is subjective and that's what delete buttons are made for.

Live and let live. Now, everyone go give or get a spanking :)

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/6/2010 8:33:45 PM

Posts: 1817
Joined: 1/17/2007
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CaringandReal

I'm damned if I know what to say to you other than to acknowledge that rude emails from strangers are unpleasant for you. However, my comments about Angel were intended to show that Orchids initial foray onto these boards should not have been greeted with such hostility. It's not nice to greet a new person harshly. If they've made an error- point that out as a suggestion and let them move on. If that makes me an insensitive lout as far as Angel is concerned- so be it.

Peon-

The more I think about it- the more I'm puzzled by who is actually sending these emails. I think they're a combination of graffiti and crank calls and as you point out- the internet has removed the risk of behaving in this fashion. But do these people have active profiles? Do they post on these boards? I kind of doubt it...

LadyPact

Do I respond to junkmail- No- I throw it out unopened. Do I throw out letters written by strangers? No- back when those things were actually written and sent, I often responded since I'd been known to write a few myself. In this day and age- if I get an email from someone I don't know requesting clarification or assistance related to some of my hobbies or skills- do I respond? You bet- even if it's someone hitting me up for a job.

As a guy- do I get emails that are either scams, phishing or just plain rude? Well, I have received one line emails such as "Send me a tribute!". Does this bother me? Not particularly- I certainly didn't stew about it. But the idea that only women get rude emails is in error. And yes, I've gotten some emails which are rather graphic suggestions about ingesting fecal matter while chained to a toilet which I must admit, I didn't find particularly appealing. I suspect that men and women process these emails differently- and as you note, there probably is much more volume for women.

WyldHrt

You seem to be operating under the assumption that someone who sends out perhaps an email a week or less is going to process rejection the same way as someone who sends out dozens in a day. If I've crafted an email to someone, I do appreciate a response that shows that the person took the time to read it. It's no different than someone asking you out on a date. Even if the person is not to your taste- does that give you the right to insult him?

In general-

There are several threads from Mods and Administrators asking for assistance in improving this site. I have emailed a mod about trying to make some constructive suggestions and she was receptive.

In order to solve a problem- you have to identify first- what the problem is. While I've gathered that there is general unhappiness from some of the posters here about unsolicited emails, the women I've met in person on collarme have not commented that its such a problem. I'm wondering if there is geography associated- i.e. California has so many individuals that its not much of a restriction or filter. In CT, there are fewer people here on these boards. Smaller communities often have different rules operating, because of the assumption that everyone knows each other. If I would send a rude email to a domme in CT, I'd bet that there's at least a 10% chance of the next domme I'd send an email to having heard of it.

Perhaps one way to deal with the rude email issue is to break large geographical regions into smaller ones- such as San Francisco, LA, Sacramento, etc.

Sam

(in reply to Icarys)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/6/2010 8:51:35 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

My comments are in this color.

quote:

ORIGINAL: samboct

I must admit, I don't get the email issue. Aren't there mail controls that allow you to limit who sends you mail?
Yes, but if we set limits for...submissive males who live within a hundred miles...then all other letters are put into a junk folder. That's why people in the boards warn others when they have sent c-mail sometimes, as the letter might go into the junk folder and go unread. I am here to talk with people from all over the world...as long as they don't want money or a plane ticket. Also, I welcome mail from those in the message boards. If I needed serious cave time, I would hide my profile for a while.
Perhaps there need to be better controls if this is such an issue.
Unless they get controls with ESP, there is no way to prevent getting ugly letters other than having two profiles, one for friends only in the profiles area as hidden people can send letters and have those answered. Don't delete their letter and you have an open sesame to sending those friends mail whenever you want. The other profile could warn of no mail ever being answered, and used to read the message boards. If anyone sends mail to the message boards' profile...too bad, everything can be ignored or put into a junk mail folder. I don't know if this would be allowed, lol.
Are people who are complaining about getting emails using these controls? Do they work?
Sometimes I whine a little about it, but no, I don't use any controls other than blocking someone when I have requested no further contact and they persist. This can be gotten around by the asshat making new profiles. Again, the ESP factor would have to be in effect, as the age, sex, and location of the asshat might change for the new profile. Their words give them away.

I did a little quick estimate on the number of males/females in CT (past hour- did a quick count.) It was something like 30F/85M so around a 3:1 ratio. So I don't understand where all these emails are coming from- there just aren't that many men to send them.
It is near the first of the month, payday, and most rednecks in my area will be out getting drunk instead of online at CM. CT is Connecticut? I'm not from CT. Many of those women online are probably married men, pretending to be females to get their cyber fix. When I was in the chatroom, there were at least ten males for every female and I was often juggling 6-8 chats at a time and turning away others. There might be a lot of female lurkers, reading up on WTF does their boyfriend or hubby want to start doing when he brought home those handcuffies or CB2000 or fetish clothing. There also might be a lot of women who already have partners and are not looking, but come here as part of their social life, to chat with friends or participate in the message boards. I'm not sure if most males are here for the same reason...most who write seem to be wanting instant sex or instant scening, and could care less about getting to know the lady first. (I did say most and not ALL..this comment of mine is about mail and not the males in the message boards...so put away the torches and tar and feathers, lol.)

When I had another profile, I had a hundred or two letters per week to deal with. Back then, I listed my kinks and went into Yahoo IM easily...and had a pic there that guys told me was cute. Now, I keep a low profile and still have an hour or two to spend daily to catch up on letters. If we don't draw a line somewhere, being polite can be a full or part time job. Many guys who contact us are not looking for r/t partners, just someone who will provide some chat sex or a one night stand. Their letters reflect this. (Btw, I am behind answering my mail by a good three days because of long phone calls eating up my online time.)

Maybe mail controls to limit mail from people who have posted if that's a concern? I suspect that geographically limited emails might also make sense- hence no need for the bellyaches about emails from Nicaragua or wherever.
You haven't gotten mail from "women" who have a USA profile, maybe even from your own state, who are stuck in Nigeria yet? Even I get those...from poor helpless males who got stuck on vacation and need a ticket home, lol. Scammers will change their profiles to go where the money is. Sometimes it takes two or three letters to figure out what they are, and then I either report them or block them.

General comment-

In terms of the time needed to write polite responses...I spend between 15 minutes to an hour (and occasionally more) composing an email to someone for the first time if I add in the time spent looking at their profile. I suspect that this figure is not far out for people that write a reasonable email. If I've taken the time to write the email, why is it so onerous to spend less than 15 seconds to shoot the quick response- of "Thanks, not interested- best of luck in your search."?
Personally, I try to write several sentences unless I need to leave the house soon and have way too much mail piled up. Imagine a dozen letters per day...some younger ladies with pretty pix will get lots more, especially if they are fresh meat. Anyway, imagine reading each profile and journal (using home page, this can be done without viewing complete profile...I don't need to see their kink list nor do I wish to give false hopes by being seen viewing their entire profile), their letter, then spending 15 minutes to an hour writing them back. What if you say you are not interested in bisexuals, marrieds, smokers, or whatever...and the person who writes back is married, bisexual, a smoker, or whose vanilla interests clash with your own. A "Thank you for having interest in my profile. I don't think we are compatible, so I wish you luck in your search" may seem mean and thoughtless...but striking someone off the list as a possibility is never an easy thing to do, or to be done to.

There used to be quick response buttons to emails on this site. They got taken down- I suspect because they weren't being used.
They would maybe interfere with the new spam filters. I personally have never used the quick response buttons, though I have been tempted to. It would cut down on how much typing I need to do to be polite to people who live too far away for me to get interested in them. I dislike long distance and relocation.

Clearly, they'd take even less time than 15 seconds. The puerile response of "No response IS a response" seems to have taken root- and not surprisingly, the people that write crafted emails have become a minority. But are all those profiles of men saying their looking for people fake?
No, but often what they are looking for and what I am looking for are polar opposites. I think most of the males here at CollarMe (and I am not talking about those who choose to write in the message boards area, but in the mail and chatrooms) are married or have a significant other, and are cheating. I wouldn't call them fakes, just...morally incompatible. I couldn't do that to another woman. Another thing, the "no response IS a response" thing you mentioned might be a natural consequence of having mail filters. If one cannot see the mail, how can one answer it...

Or have these men gotten so angry that they vent on random individuals with no provocation?
There's something going on here I'm not understanding.
Yes, and yes...there is something going on that you are not understanding. Women have seen sides of a male's nature that other men usually don't get to see. When some men are angry at their wife, their girlfriend, or lady boss...and it would cause them problems to fight with them...they choose another female target and attack. When I used to sew and sell costumes to exotic dancers, I saw this all the time. A beautiful girl would come into the dressing room, crying, because some half drunk asshat had told her that she wasn't womanly enough cuz she had no tits to speak of, or had breasts that hung down like a cow's udders, she was either scrawney like a chicken and had ugly legs, or she was a fat cow and needed to get her arse off the stage...or else there were rants on what a two bit whore she must be to work in a place like that, yada yada. I believe shrinks call this behavior "deflecting" or something like that.

Some guys are here because they are pissed off at the women in their lives and they need a target to shoot out their rage upon. I'm lucky that I don't get these types writing me too often...I guess they try to choose younger, and in their own mind, more helpless victims. When I was in chatrooms, I used to calm women down after verbal attacks. It was a common occurance(sp?).

Sam

Whew, outside of that quote box now. I was actually feeling claustrophobic.

Btw, before and between profiles, I lurked some here. Somehow it seemed easier than making a new profile and hiding it. When my mentor broke up with her Dom and she was upset, she hid her profile until she was up to handling the letters again.

quote:

Umm, from my perspective, if someone doesn't want to post a profile, that suggests they're hiding something. Not quite the same thing as suggesting that all profiles are fake.

I have no objection to your saying this because yes, I would have been hiding something. Myself. And I would have been okay with that. Nothing wrong with hiding.

(in reply to samboct)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/6/2010 9:31:53 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: samboct
LadyPact

Do I respond to junkmail- No- I throw it out unopened. Do I throw out letters written by strangers? No- back when those things were actually written and sent, I often responded since I'd been known to write a few myself. In this day and age- if I get an email from someone I don't know requesting clarification or assistance related to some of my hobbies or skills- do I respond? You bet- even if it's someone hitting me up for a job.

The difference - sheer volume. We've had this debate before. If you have different methods, it has a lot to do with the fact that you have a different perspective. How many days have you been on the site that you've received twenty or more emails a day and you sat at your keyboard and answered all of them? How many times have you had twenty emails a day that lasted for a streak of an entire week? How about a month?

quote:

As a guy- do I get emails that are either scams, phishing or just plain rude? Well, I have received one line emails such as "Send me a tribute!". Does this bother me? Not particularly- I certainly didn't stew about it. But the idea that only women get rude emails is in error. And yes, I've gotten some emails which are rather graphic suggestions about ingesting fecal matter while chained to a toilet which I must admit, I didn't find particularly appealing. I suspect that men and women process these emails differently- and as you note, there probably is much more volume for women.

I have never said that males don't get crap on this site as well. Since you mention it, do you send polite replies when you get mail such as what you describe above? They are just people writing to you, too. They took the time to write you that email. They must deserve that you reply to them to answer their inquiry.

quote:

In order to solve a problem- you have to identify first- what the problem is. While I've gathered that there is general unhappiness from some of the posters here about unsolicited emails, the women I've met in person on collarme have not commented that its such a problem. I'm wondering if there is geography associated- i.e. California has so many individuals that its not much of a restriction or filter. In CT, there are fewer people here on these boards. Smaller communities often have different rules operating, because of the assumption that everyone knows each other. If I would send a rude email to a domme in CT, I'd bet that there's at least a 10% chance of the next domme I'd send an email to having heard of it.

Again, you are wrong. It has nothing to do with being in the Pacific Time Zone. The first two and a half years that I was on the site, I lived in GA. It didn't have any impact.

Keep something in mind. Except for My first six months on the site, I've been over forty. I'm married as well as have a collared sub. I'm not even a high on a lot of people's target list. I can't imagine how much more the women who are a decade younger, single, and looking get than I do.

As for none of the Dommes you've met have mentioned it to you, they may not have felt discussing their personal email was appropriate. Look on the forums. Women have said it repeatedly on thread after thread. We can't all be wrong. If we are, why not check out the comments from males who have had reason to see for themselves from friends or where there's an established relationship?

quote:

Perhaps one way to deal with the rude email issue is to break large geographical regions into smaller ones- such as San Francisco, LA, Sacramento, etc.

Sam

Why do you have it in your head that only local people write emails? It does not work that way. Many people enjoy interacting with people from the forums, so they don't set the mail controls to route everyone from outside a hundred mile radius to the bulk folder. I'm not willing to let the correspondences that I want to have suffer, just because I also receive the stuff I don't want. Thanks to the new filter, I just report it as spam.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to samboct)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/7/2010 3:49:51 AM

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

Instead of complaining (general) about it why not hit that rotating invitation to "tell us what you think of the site"

We're not really complaining. Samboct accused angel of having something to hide because she didn't have a profile so the justification for her decision was explained. I wouldn't still use the site if I couldn't put up with the spam.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to Icarys)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/7/2010 4:47:46 AM

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

Sam, you do know the definition of being a hypocrit yes? Let's see you decide to talk ABOUT ME, insult me, and throw digs at me because YOU didn't like my initial post to the OP because big mean angel was hostile or harsh lol? Funny, i had no hostility in me when i wrote it. Oh way, what YOU think is what matters. Damn Sam all these little memos seem to be getting lost. Anyone else getting them?

Perhaps Sam, you need to work on yourself before shaking your finger at what others are doing. You aren't Mr Clean. If you had a problem with MY POST, not with your added emotion in it, then again have the balls to address me. Its funny on page FOUR when i was the third poster of the thread you now say TO SOMEONE ELSE, mind you:

quote:

my comments about Angel were intended to show that Orchids initial foray onto these boards should not have been greeted with such hostility. It's not nice to greet a new person harshly. If they've made an error- point that out as a suggestion and let them move on. If that makes me an insensitive lout as far as Angel is concerned- so be it.

Insensitive lout ummm no, what a stupid description, i could care less what you think of my post. However, the way you have been talking ABOUT me instead of TO me makes you a man lacking in integrity. I could care less about your sensitivity. I could care less how you think new people should be handled. Again missing a memo here.

I could care less if someone is new or old, i don't look that deep at the poster, i don't check out their profile, and i respond to what they write. If they can't take assessment about their post and an honest assessment of it, (which i directed directly at her not slunk around talking ABOUT her) then they shouldn't be posting. This isn't a pat on the head and treat people with special gloves because poor little dears are new and we don't want to scare them off. Sorry but kindergarten is in elementary school. THERE'S A SUGGESTION FOR THE SITE a NEWBIE FORUM. And the rules of the forum can say suck up to all the newbies, pat them on the head, coo at them and tell them that's okay when they post something that should have been said a different way so as not to generalize or insult a group of people or condescend by using certain greetings because they are posting in the submissive forum. The rules are that the newbie can post anything and no one is allowed to find fault with it but you clap and jump up and down cause well gee they made a post.

Quit being a hypocrit, if you have something to say to me then say it instead of slinking around talking ABOUT me. I could care less what you say to me Sam, however, i have this fault that i believe men should have integrity whether they are doms or sub. You talking about me shows a major lack of integrity in you and that is disgusting to me.

This isn't kumbyya land, this is a discussion board. You aren't Mr. Clean. Until you are, you really may want to quit worrying about what other people are doing.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 10/7/2010 4:48:29 AM >

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/7/2010 5:04:08 AM

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

As to the discussion going on -- people are different. I for example don't really care for polite emails. I like men who are firm, who are sure of themselves,and don't worry about politically correct concepts. Ultra polite emails only make me itchy because personally i think they are forced. Trying to make people message other people in a certain way as a rule or a form concept is wrong. What what may be the wrong approach for some could be the right approach for another.

The concept of RUDE is a arbitrary concept. I am an aggressive poster. I don't want timid or sappy or hell even ultra polite messages from men. I don't want politically correct messages. I want messages that reflect the person. If they send me an polite message on many levels i am skeptical as to that is their real persona they are portraying in the email as many times the message doesn't actually match up to their profile style of writing. I don't like guessing games. I do LOVE the roll over concept now for messages so i know which ones simply to delete. I think they should have a block sender action on the mail list so you can block them without looking at their profile after you roll over the message.

What i don't want is this site deciding what is "rude" and what is "correct" way to send messages, we don't need that type of control from the powers that be. It will only make stepford wives and in the end it will make people conform with a certain way of posting and then after you waste your time on them as their initial message seems okay, so you start corresponding --- you waste what a couple posts on them and the rudeness as everyone is calling is appears. However, it just means you've wasted your time and they may know a little more about you due to your correspondence -- DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS? I would rather the site allow the poster to choose how to message someone so that you can find out faster if they will be sending you crazy mail. These types of people are able to conform, they will conform to whatever dictates the site requires of them and then in the end you will have the same result only you will have wasted more time getting past the "cover" of correct emailing to seeing the real persona behind it.

Be careful what you wish for, it could result in a cool cover for these bad apples wherein they get farther into the sphere of the people they want attention from due to the way they are required to post initially.

I don't believe people should have to put up with the name calling as i have seen many people have to deal with and that to me is what the report button is for as well as the block etc. I think the site really should start looking at these messages instead of having the automatic thing. Why? Because it allows for the perp to continue doing it by simply starting a new profile when their old one gets tagged.

Anyway, i would rather people be allowed to show their true persona which yes may mean i receive what i deem rude or nasty emails. However, i have also learned not to take things personally from anonymous nicknames online. i do at times get tired so i close my profile. This time its been hidden for going on 3 years. I enjoy the freedom i have with same and i have just recently been browsing profiles and sending messages again.

I guess i am different from a lot of people. I rather be confronted by the real person than know every post i open conforms with some "rules" so people don't appear rude. I would be sceptical as to what they write because i would wonder if they are just pulling crap out of the air to conform with the rules of how they should post initially or if they really feel that way or have an interest in what they are saying. I want honesty from people and sometimes the rudeness is honesty it allows ME then to make a decision -- being required to conform to a certain way of posting or rules for initial emails makes for these people who do this a more apt way if integrating your sphere and wasting your time for a longer time period.

angel

I do hope any site changes they consider making based on member suggestions are offered up for comment and perhaps voting lol prior to implementation. Just because one member may want it doesn't mean many will.

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 10/7/2010 5:08:44 AM >

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to barelynangel)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/7/2010 7:31:36 AM

Posts: 1817
Joined: 1/17/2007
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LadyPact

I'm sorry- but the numbers just don't add up.

"The difference - sheer volume. We've had this debate before. If you have different methods, it has a lot to do with the fact that you have a different perspective. How many days have you been on the site that you've received twenty or more emails a day and you sat at your keyboard and answered all of them? How many times have you had twenty emails a day that lasted for a streak of an entire week? How about a month? "

If women are getting 20 emails a day, then a simple minded calculation shows that there must be 20 men sending her an email per day. Or if there are 20 emails from different men per day- this is 140 different men per week.

Unless someone has some better data, I'm going to use my back of the envelope number that there are 3x as many men than women on this site. If you get 140 emails per week and there are 3x the number of guys- this means that the average man is sending out 47 emails per week- to different women! I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time swallowing this number. If people spend a half an hour crafting an email- that's close to 24 hours a week just writing emails. And that's on average...What about the guys who send fewer emails a week- like me- or I suspect most of the posters on these boards. What you're saying in terms of volume of email would mean that writing these emails is a full time job for a large number of men.

Something's not adding up here....

Sam

(in reply to barelynangel)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/7/2010 7:56:48 AM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Where do you get the idea that people spend a half an hour crafting emails? Just because that's what you do? It doesn't work that way. It doesn't take that long to write three or four sentences, which is what many first contact emails are. If you are going to discuss this rationally, you are going to have to accept that not everybody on this site corresponds the way that you do. It just doesn't take half an hour for somebody to type out an email to ask if I'm interested in cucks, or if I want to be their keyholder, or they are new to the lifestyle and looking for people to chat with. That is an example of what shows up through mail. Not paragraphs and paragraphs. The insulting, rude, or crap that women just aren't interested in receiving is the stuff that comes in just a few sentences.

Do you not think that there are folks on this site that use the buckshot approach? Writing as many emails as possible, hoping that at least one person will answer? Do you not know that many males on this site use form letters? How many send one-liners? I've been up less than an hour and there were five emails waiting for Me. I'll most likely have at least one more before I finish writing this post.

I don't know why you can't seem to understand what I'm saying here or where you got the idea that it takes everyone half an hour to send an email. If it weren't for the privacy issue or that it would boil down to spamming you, I'd spend a week to toss you a copy/paste of every email that I receive so you could see the reality of it.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to samboct)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/7/2010 8:58:24 AM

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: samboct

this means that the average man is sending out 47 emails per week- to different women! I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time swallowing this number.

Well then you're naive. 47 emails a week is a bit less than six a day. How long exactly do you think it takes to copy and paste 'hi mistress i want be your footslave' six times? We are not talking long, heartfelt missives here, we're talking spam. They send this stuff out in volume, sometimes multiple times to the same woman if she hasn't blocked them, in the hope that some of it will stick. I'd expect the dudes in Cairo (because an awful lot of the ones I get seem to be from Cairo, for some reason) to be sending out several hundred a week minimum.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to samboct)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/7/2010 9:37:15 AM

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'd spend a week to toss you a copy/paste of every email that I receive so you could see the reality of it.

Actually, I do think something like that would be a very good idea. Cut out the names, do it under a new identity, paste it into an external blog and just provide a link here. . . whatever it takes. I think it'd be extremely enlightening to see what an 'average female's postbag' looks like. Worth even a sticky somewhere on this or another forum, perhaps. I wonder, also, what our kind mods would think of this?

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/7/2010 10:07:52 AM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I couldn't say what Mods would think about it. However, I went back and grabbed this thread http://www.collarchat.com/m_3391438/tm.htm from a little while back. Keep in mind, this is after the new spam filters were put in place. Here's the quote from ten minutes after someone created an alternative profile to see what females get here:

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubPet715

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubPet715

Time to test that theory...

DON'T-you'll creep the fuck out of yourself.

...but if you do, make sure you use a picture. because you get more responses that way. It doesn't have to be a good picture, or a relevant one. Just a picture.

It's been 10 minutes I have enough dick picks to make a collage of an even bigger dick...

That is disturbing.

Some responses were long but they were clearly copy and paste, others were "hi", and a great deal of penises.

You women are saints for putting up with this, any man posting on the forums about findommes and "fakes" ought to be ashamed, deeply ashamed.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to PeonForHer)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/7/2010 10:21:54 AM

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Joined: 9/27/2008
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I remember the thread - but thanks for re-posting.

I did have a femdom profile going for a while. Lots of spammers, lots of one-liners - but nothing aggressive. Some seemed quite sad. (Which is why I closed down the profile. Angry I can deal with, sad much less so.) I'm guessing, though, that the nastiest cmails come in response to rejections. Is that true?

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RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/7/2010 11:15:37 AM

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I may not be the best person to answer this question. I've had a personal policy of blocking people that I received contact from that I didn't want for so long that it's been in effect for years. I can tell you that exact reason (people writing again after I told them I wasn't interested) is what prompted that policy.

I wouldn't say that the nastiest stuff only comes in replies. It can be in first contacts. Much like the message that you mentioned your friend received in an email.

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RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/7/2010 11:34:18 AM

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Her worst ones were generally in response to rejections, so she said.

Maybe I'll reactivate my 'Femdom' profile, but this time with a picture and some text that indicates that I'm a lifestylist with decent, warm sort of personality. No hard edges whatsoever. That could be interesting . . . .

< Message edited by PeonForHer -- 10/7/2010 11:35:08 AM >

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RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/7/2010 12:21:03 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

Her worst ones were generally in response to rejections, so she said.

Maybe I'll reactivate my 'Femdom' profile, but this time with a picture and some text that indicates that I'm a lifestylist with decent, warm sort of personality. No hard edges whatsoever. That could be interesting . . . .

My old social profile could basically be summed up as "gamer geek looking for friends in the lifestyle who may or may not evolve into play partners, but mostly just friends of any orientation." I got endless explicit propositions and photos, some of them quite disgusting and horrific. I had no fetishes or sexual elements listed on my profile at all.

I'm sure it would be enlightening for you to do, but is it really ethical to make a not obviously fake profile? I'd suggest you let one of us you trust to be 100% truthful and accurate do the cut and paste thing instead.

I'd also consider re-uploading a social profile - briefly - and sharing the password with you, if you were willing to forward all replies that were actually social and delete all the disgusting ones. I don't want to deal with that crap any more. I would need to be honest that I had a male friend screening all replies, so that no one wrote me with the expectation of confidentiality. But it's do-able, if you really want to do the experiment.

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RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/7/2010 12:42:05 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal
Since I've hid my profile, I've been happier visiting this website than I have been in months. That tells me something important. For months now I've really dreaded seeing that I have email, because I know the ugly hostile mentally ill crap that will be in it. Being a rather open-minded sort, in all senses of that word, I don't just shrug that stuff off, I absorb, depsite my best attempts to deflect. Samboct's unfair and ignorantly hostile critique of BarelyanAngel reminds me strongly of this (former) daily dose of email vileness. It's really, I mean really, horrible for women on the personals. And here is someone deeply dissatisfied that we're ignoring his ugly ilk in private trying to drag that same stupid hostile crap to the message boards. Lovely.

Seconded. I got rid of my social profile on here a long time ago for exactly those reasons. I started feeling more and more angry, defensive and hostile after logging in to that much crap every time, and I re-wrote my profile so many times to warn off the barrage of assholes that I started not liking the person I was when I came here. I will never again keep a social profile on a site that has an A/S/L search; it's just not worth it. On Fetlife I connect to people I actually know in real life and am social with, and I almost never get ugly or explicit emails. I think I've had one or two unsolicited proposals on Fet in two years. That's a pretty good track record for that site, so I'm happy with it. I've made friends there, or more accurately, I can keep in touch with the friends I've made in real life over there, and participate in discussions without being assaulted by explicit rudeness every freaking day.

When I eventually decided to hang the pro shingle back out, I came back here in this incarnation. I feel much more in control of the rudeness, because I have made it clear that anyone who contacts me wanting my time and energy will pay for it. I actually get less rude, time wasting email than when I did when I made myself available socially (eg, for "free") on an A/S/L searchable site. The problem is that the difference between pro and non pro is not that in one case you pay to get your fetish rocks off and in the other case you get it for free. It's a lot more complicated than that.

There are just too many guys out there who think that being available on an adult site on a non professional basis means a woman is free for them to take and use, like a free sample in the grocery store. I can't and won't deal with that any more, which means I am *only* socially available on non A/S/L based sites to real life BDSM community networks. If I even try to explain on an A/S/L search site that yes, I am lifestyle and yes, I do want to meet people socially, I am instantly barraged with the guys who confuse "social" for "I can get free goodies off of you, so gimme RIGHT NOW, and by the way, here's a picture of my dick. You're for free, so you want it, right?" Oh hells no. Safeword, I quit, I'm done, fuck you all and the horse you rode in on, and I'm never coming back. I'll be social on my own terms, and that means I will never be labeled as "free" in a meat market again.

I'm not saying that my personal solution is the one for everyone. Other folks have found different ways of coping or filtering that work for them. This is just what works for me, and my personal experience.

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RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/7/2010 1:03:34 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer
My old social profile could basically be summed up as "gamer geek looking for friends in the lifestyle who may or may not evolve into play partners, but mostly just friends of any orientation." I got endless explicit propositions and photos, some of them quite disgusting and horrific. I had no fetishes or sexual elements listed on my profile at all.

I'm sure it would be enlightening for you to do, but is it really ethical to make a not obviously fake profile? I'd suggest you let one of us you trust to be 100% truthful and accurate do the cut and paste thing instead.

I'd also consider re-uploading a social profile - briefly - and sharing the password with you, if you were willing to forward all replies that were actually social and delete all the disgusting ones. I don't want to deal with that crap any more. I would need to be honest that I had a male friend screening all replies, so that no one wrote me with the expectation of confidentiality. But it's do-able, if you really want to do the experiment.

LadyN,

That's an interesting proposition - thank you.

Is it ethically sound to make a not-obviously-fake profile? No, I don't think so, on reflection. I deactivated my 'Domme' profile because 'She' eventually got quite a detailed message from what seemed like a good man, despite there being just a few words on 'Her' profile and no picture. I think your last suggestion might skew the results - people are less likely to send nasty stuff if they think the female target is never going to get it because a male will be screening it out.

I know plenty of Dommes who I trust to be honest and truthful. (Obviously, I wouldn't bother speaking to one who I didn't trust in that way.) What I'd be intrigued to see is actual samples of their cmail nasties - but, more than that, I'd like to see them displayed publicly (minus any identifying details). This is because I think I know, now, the 'flavour' of this sort of thing. Others - particularly newbies - might not, though.

I'd be happy to reproduce such material - without revealing its original recipient - for a short while (because I don't think I could handle seeing too much of it, either) in a thread devoted to the subject.

Hmmm. But would that work, I wonder? What do you think?

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RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/7/2010 1:12:16 PM

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FR

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal
Since I've hid my profile, I've been happier visiting this website than I have been in months. That tells me something important. For months now I've really dreaded seeing that I have email, because I know the ugly hostile mentally ill crap that will be in it.

Feck. I've only just caught that. It's quite difficult to imagine dreading opening my cmail Inbox.

I'm honestly beginning to think that one of the fundamental problems we have on this subject is that decent men have a lot of difficulty comprehending that other sorts of men are not like them. Well, I know that's been true of myself, anyway.

Hell, this is all kind of hideous, really . . . .

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RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/7/2010 1:23:03 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
I think your last suggestion might skew the results - people are less likely to send nasty stuff if they think the female target is never going to get it because a male will be screening it out.

I'm kind of a stickler for ethics, so it would have to be made clear somewhere in the profile that they had no expectation of confidentiality when writing. I'll have to think about how to phrase that to be ethical but not skew the results.

quote:

I know plenty of Dommes who I trust to be honest and truthful. (Obviously, I wouldn't bother speaking to one who I didn't trust in that way.) What I'd be intrigued to see is actual samples of their cmail nasties - but, more than that, I'd like to see them displayed publicly (minus any identifying details). This is because I think I know, now, the 'flavour' of this sort of thing. Others - particularly newbies - might not, though.

Go to Fetlife and check into the regular BDI thread on the Sisterhood, though you can't join or post there. The latest incarnation of the BDI (Bad, Dreadful, Incomprehensible) is here. You will find all the horrid mails from wannabe "subs" posted that you could ever hope to choke a horse with.

quote:

I'd be happy to reproduce such material - without revealing its original recipient - for a short while (because I don't think I could handle seeing too much of it, either) in a thread devoted to the subject.

S'up to you. As long as I don't personally have to wade through the garbage, I'll put up my social solicit for fellow gamer geeks in the lifestyle again. I just don't want to see the barrage of rude-and-clueless or sexually explicit crap that will invariably follow. But if you do for whatever reason, then let's do this.

Hmm. What other perks do I get if I have you as my secretary?

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