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The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 5:38:47 AM

Posts: 10
Joined: 9/8/2010
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Hello dears,

I haven't been a member very long, yet in the last few days I've getting a lot of rude and impatient emails.

No, my feelings are not hurt, just wondering, does a male sub get so much rejection he is always ready to lash out? Is it built in you psych to revolt when you are not getting your way? Or is it, and the this is my main concern, that nice people bring the worst out of you?

I am nice, not about to change that -thank you-

O.

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 5:44:53 AM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

First off,

To address your question, there are a lot of folks who do not have good social skills so they spend their time in front of a computer disproportionately. Some of them think that they are male subs, but in reality have seen some femdom porn and think that's what D/s should be like - a woman carrying out their female Domination fantasies. So they contact femDoms and find out that the lifestyle Dommes want relationships and the pro Dommes want money.

The rudeness is an extended tantrum upon finding out that the world will not cater to them.

On the plus side, the mail flood will ebb somewhat after you've been on a while. It's the fresh meat syndrome.

Edited to add: I checked out your profile. I suggest that you not focus on the oral and foot worship, because that will draw out the wankers. If you do want to mention that, fine, but you should explain what qualities you seek in a man first.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 10/5/2010 6:19:59 AM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Orchid62)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 6:17:52 AM

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

Hi OP, you may not like my response lol but its an observation based only on this one post.

First of all, you may wish to change how you address submissives in general.

Also, this isn't a Dom problem with only male submissives -- submissives - male and femal -- get replies that aren't cool to them just as Dom's do -- male and female. Your questions in general about male submissives are more insulting in a passive aggressive way and to me that is not "nice."

Your post here seems like it should go in your journal or profile more so than as a Dom broadcasting same into a venue where many are probably not contacting you at all. I tend to look oddly at dom's who post like you have, to me they should have more self-control than whining to submissives publically that the submissives aren't playing nice to her or him. To me, it shows insecurity and a lack of confidence. There is a block feature for profiles you no longer wish to get contact from.

Do you really think its the sub males (seeming to be a volume of reactions you are getting) or perhaps it is you and you may have to really be honest with yourself and you aren't comming across nice as you believe you are. A nice person wouldn't have to say so, it shows in the reactions and responses of others to them.

I don't know you, i haven't read your profile, i simply am commenting on your one post. You are new, but you need to get thicker skin if you plan to remain. Why? Because there will be MORE people who respond to your profile or contacts negatively than positively. Its the nature of the beast of online communicatio. Learn to weed out what you don't appreciate and focus on the ones you do. Focusing on the negative instead of the positive will only in the end make you jaded and irritated. Complaining about it in a venue where the majority of people won't be contacting you in response to your profile, only shows you to enjoy whining or insulting a group of people based on you questions here about male submissives.

I am sure many others will pat you on the head and say poor dear, but i disagree, if your post here shows what you deem nice, i deem it insulting to a whole group of men, as you majorily generalize a group of men, all because you got some cmail you didn't enjoy.

Good luck, as Steven did suggest, the volume of communication will ebb. So you may want to hold off generalizing about a group or simply disregard mail you don't like and give your energy to that which you do like.

angel

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 6:29:38 AM

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Joined: 9/8/2010
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Thank you Steven, it's been fun for the most part.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 6:46:41 AM

Posts: 10
Joined: 9/8/2010
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ok angle,
Maybe there is some truth to the whining part, but you are way off base.

What part of my post seemed insulting? the fact that I am trying to understand and not dismiss anyone's feelings, emotions, needs? I

Maybe a clarification is in order, "not EVERY male sub who approached me was rude" in fact most of them are wonderfully well spoken and good natured. My question wasn't even personal on that level...the 'delete' button is conviniently located and easy to use, but I would rather hear someone express their thoughts, very specifically those who haven't and will never contact "ME" personally.

It's hard to see where you are coming from since I have no clue if you are male, female, dominant or submissive, but boy, are you angry or what?

I am not new to the lifestyle, I am new to this site. I dont' need a pat on the head, in fact I am hoping that the ones who respond are the subs who want to offer an inside chunk of information...if not, well, it least I got to whine a bit.

Hope everyone is having fun.

(in reply to barelynangel)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 7:03:44 AM

Posts: 1817
Joined: 1/17/2007
Status: offline

Orchid

What I think you're noticing is a problem with internet related sites in general exacerbated by the population of a kink related site.

Briefly- human civilization has developed rules over time for interactions. If we pass someone on the street- a complete stranger, in some regions of the country, it would be rude to not at least nod your head. In crowded environments, this would result in massive neck muscles though, so the custom gets out of vogue. Hence the observation from someone from Idaho- New Yorkers are rude people. Yet if you ask for directions politely, you'll often be given a useful and polite response.

What anonymity has allowed on the internet is a breakdown of customs- it's no longer necessary to be polite since the behavior will not result in a direct scolding from passersby. In Idaho, if a stranger passes you by and you don't acknowledge a polite hello, it will start your neighbor's tongues wagging- and you know it. On the internet, this feedback mechanism doesn't exist.

So what happens? As Miss Manners has observed- "rudeness begets rudeness". (I think it was her- maybe it was Emily Postage Stamp.) Rudeness is not limited to the sending of impolite emails, it extends to not responding to polite emails. So polite behavior isn't reinforced, and the people who send polite emails get aggravated with the perceived rudeness of the site. (An oft cited comment- No response IS a response.) The result is a downward spiral- the proportion of rude people to polite people increases over time, as the polite people get disgusted with the standard rude behavior of the site and move on. So things get worse.

Couple this with the nature of a site that is based on exploring sexual fantasies and you have individuals whose fantasy is not to meet a suitable partner in real time, but to make up for all the perceived slights in their lives. It's like crank caller behavior- a behavior which has largely evaporated given caller ID. Any suggestions as to how to reinforce polite behavior would be warmly welcomed.

Cheers,

Sam

(in reply to Orchid62)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 7:16:16 AM

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

blinks lol where is my post angry? Its critical of you yes, but angry -- nahh. Its too silly of a thread to be angry lol. Curious,what difference does it matter if i am male, female, dom or sub? You posted this in a general forum wherein general people will be responding NOT just male subs or the subs who have contacted you. Perhaps you are just too sensitive because i didn't agree with you? The fact that you want to say i am angry tells me you are desperate to put anyone who doesn't respond to you in a manner you want, is rude or angry or whatnot. You may want to identify this and see that maybe its not everyone else but you and how you perceive things. Whether you do or don't makes no difference to me. You may be able to stop and be honest with yourself and see what i am saying instead of being upset about it.

grins, "pat on the head" don't like being condescended to -- do you? Well maybe when you are addressing submissives in general you may simply want to greet in general and leave the "dears" for those people you are intimate with. Again, its all about perception. Your greeting alone was enough for me to see you as passive-aggressively condescending. Maybe you don't think you are but again online its about perception.

To me your second paragraph of your op was very generalized and insulting to male submissives in general all because of a "few" yeah while you may think you have received a whole bunch, what you received was probably very few in proportion to the male subs on this site. That is what i am speaking about. Maybe you should ask these questions to the SPECIFIC men who contacted you and not address them to the general public as an indication this is a generalization of male submissives. WHY MALE SUBMISSIVES DO YOU DO THIS. It probably would have been better if you had left male submissives out of it and simply said people. Why? because then you would have really seen people bitch at you about generalizing. Same context only a broader scope of people. Its funny because most male submissives are ultra polite in every venue i have ever spoken to them.

If you were speaking about specific males and based on your response to my post to you, it makes me wonder what you deem rude and in order for anyone to answer your questions they would have to know what was said to you to deem it rude to begin with, otherwise its simply speculation and generalizing a group of men -- male submissives based on a few you've deemed bad apples. Simply people not agreeing with you or taking your own post and telling you how it was observed from a stranger on a message board? Everyone has their definition of rude, i saw your initial post as rude and insulting to male submissives in general. grins based on your response and your need to say i am angry, tells me you think blunt speak in response to what you say is rude. That's okay. Again perception plays a huge part.

Its perception, and your perception of these messages you are getting are not going to be the same as others see it. Maybe its just me but why would you want information from those who haven't messaged you with what you allege is rudeness? Wouldn't it be more helpful to find out why the people responding to you as what you deem rude to tell you why they are responding that way?

Hell lol all i did was give you my observation based on your post and look at your response. You don't want feed back, you want people to agree with you and bitch about male subs who don't cmail you with what you deem appropriate behavior for same.

You state you are nice -- i don't believe you are any more or less nice than anyone else and your response to my post shows you get edgy very easily and you perceive things that simply aren't there. You don't want to talk about how YOU may need to change your perception, you want everyone to talk badly about a group of men who because of a few bad apples, has you publically asking some pretty rude questions about them in general.

I have no feelings for you whatsoever so i had no emotion other than explaining my observation and perception of your post. I do find it odd that you deem critism of you anger and yet you imply that you are this nice person. Somehow, i think you are more angry when someone doesn't do as you want than the male subs are -- simply by your response to my post.

quote:

in fact I am hoping that the ones who respond are the subs who want to offer an inside chunk of information

PERCEPTION. I have given you a chunk of information, if you fail to see it because you don't like i am commenting about you and how you come across rather than on the submissive males you are whinging about, then perhaps you want to make it all about them, instead of yourself. Which is fine, but its going to leave you with a heck of a lot of aggravation on this site. You can't change others, you can only change yourself. Forget rudeness and simply talk to the people instead of talking AT them. If you see something as rude, instead of responding as you did in my post ASK them a nicer version of why they are responding to you in "your definition here" manner. You may find that it was YOUR perception instead of them.

good luck lol.

angel

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to Orchid62)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 7:56:20 AM

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Joined: 11/26/2007
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I don't know. Where I come from, calling strangers "dear" is pretty rude. But I presume that you aren't meaning to be offensive and condescending.

Second, no, I don't like nice people. I like kind people. Nice is (also from my pov) fake.

Good luck in your search,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to barelynangel)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 7:58:56 AM

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~

Welcome to the boards. Hopefully you'll stick around - this is a great place overall.

I wouldn't worry about the comments. Some people don't realize when they are being rude, some people's definations of rude won't match yours, some people will think you are being rude when you think you are being nice... It's the Internet. Happens over here on the message boards as well. I have no idea what these messages were or if I would consider you nice or not. But I can say that most (if not all) of us sometimes get random insults and such in our mailbox. You can block and delete or you can mock and play with them.

Either way, don't give them much thought.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to barelynangel)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 8:42:46 AM

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Joined: 9/29/2010
Status: offline

Unfortunately, from what I have seen, barelyangel is completely right. I've read all the posts in order and I have to say, It seems to be more about your perception of things at this point Orchid62. Being a male switch myself, I walk a very fine line and the OP on this thread insulted both my dominate and sub side at once. Just because you consider yourself a dominate doesn't make you one and all that you've managed to show me so far is that you are basically just here to get attention and that's about it. Of course I can say that about alot of the so called "dominates" I've seen on this site so far. I truely wish you the best of luck, but you wording of what you want to say, and your perception of what's being said to you is all that's really hurting you right now.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 8:54:53 AM

Rule

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Joined: 12/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Orchid62
It's hard to see where you are coming from since I have no clue if you are male, female, dominant or submissive, but boy, are you angry or what?

I can see barelynangel's avatar. It has breasts!

(in reply to Orchid62)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 9:23:01 AM

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Joined: 9/8/2010
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I've seen a lot of males with breasts round here

(in reply to Rule)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 9:31:42 AM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
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I admit that I am fat. I dunno how to get rid of my fat bulges. I won't do liposuction.

Ehm, unlike mine, I do suspect that barelynangle's fat bulges are genuine female breasts.

(in reply to Orchid62)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 9:32:51 AM

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Joined: 6/20/2009
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You are offering advice when you dont even know the difference between dominate and dominant!!!!!

< Message edited by frazzle -- 10/5/2010 9:33:26 AM >

(in reply to Einder)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 9:51:49 AM

Posts: 10
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline

I am trying to ignore all the negativity and make the best of it. One thing miss sunshine said was very useful (not sure it was intended that way) being nice can be fake, of course it can, we all smile at people sometimes when we really don't feel like smiling or say "thank you" when we want to say "leave me alone", and I think it's the right way to go.

Being perceived as condesdending is somewhat over the top, if we always said what's on our mind, it may get pretty darn dangerous out there. That being said, if I say "thank you, not interested" and trigger a rude come-back, then what is the answer? is there an answer?

Thank you to those who took the time to respond.

(in reply to frazzle)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 10:02:16 AM

poise

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Im not sure how well you might do at ignoring all the negativity when your very first post here is rife with it.
Welcome to the forums just the same...I do hope you find your joy here.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Orchid62)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 10:02:36 AM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Orchid62
if I say "thank you, not interested" and trigger a rude come-back, then what is the answer? is there an answer?

Block their e-mails, hide their profiles and ignore them.

(in reply to Orchid62)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 11:00:35 AM

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Orchid62

Being perceived as condesdending is somewhat over the top, if we always said what's on our mind, it may get pretty darn dangerous out there. That being said, if I say "thank you, not interested" and trigger a rude come-back, then what is the answer? is there an answer?

Haven't you had or seen someone else have the "will you sleep with me? no? you're a SLUT!" encounter?

You deal with these the same way. Ignore the comment. You can choose if you want to continuing answering or not. Some people on here elect to simply not respond because they are tired of those e-mails. No response is a response in some cases. Others feel that is rude.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Orchid62)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 12:26:09 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

Welcome to CollarMe, Orchid62.

Steven said it well.

If your mailbox is anything like mine, it will be full of probable form letters and men who want instant service. Chat sex, web camming, r/t scenes any day you choose, offers to relocate immediately, guys who offer money, and just plain old horney guys who want to get laid and think we are all nymphos. After a while, it becomes like a soap opera...with new members being added to the cast.

I am not bisexual nor interested in Doms other than as friends, but I still get offers from fem subs and Doms, lol. I was even invited to join a female gay munch group. Around 4 or 5 years ago when my profile said I was taken and wanted mail only from friends...the male mail came anyway. It is a flood that cannot be stopped.

Someone could probably say something outrageous in huge bold letters at the beginning of their profile, a long list of STDS, and claim to have them all...and the letters wouldn't stop.

Had to say something about your addressing strangers as "dears." I had an intense flashback of rememberance of a friend who passed away almost two years ago...she was from Scotland and called several people dear. Maybe it is just your way as it was hers. (Haven't polled folks from Scotland, so it might have been a quirk of hers and not something everyone said...like in West Virginia, most of us say "Y'all")

Orchid, I was at a non BDSM message board for around 2 years before I came to this one...it was nothing like this place. We had no trolling, I cannot remember any rudeness, and we were kind to each other. EZ Board was hacked and our board was mostly erased. Coming here was...an education. After three message boards, I thought I knew everything, lol, and then I was dropped by friends at this place. I love it here, but yes, there are drawbacks...not the site itself, just some of the people you will come into contact with. I think we are supposed to pretend they do not exist, those annoyingly rude people who send offensive mail, or else these boards would hold discussions on nothing else.

We are targets for anyone with an attitude problem, or who have watched a lot of BDSM porn and think we are here to service their fantasies. Shifting from fantasy to reality takes time, and I try to have patience with them and let them get a dose of reality. If they devolve into a complete asshat, I block them...and sometimes several more profiles are made up by the same person so I have to keep blocking those as well until they go away.

The worst of the deluge dies down within six weeks. When I first come online is when I am most likely to be sent a chatsex invitation, as I am still on the first page. I've learned not to accept chat invites from people I don't know through letters at least.

My profile mentions nothing sexual and I only clicked a few things from my BDSM lists on purpose...it cuts down on mail. Many guys search by kinks and then write, focusing on that one kink to the exclusion of coming across as a decent human being I'd want to get to know better.

Best wishes to you and yours...good to see you in the message boards...and I wish you good luck in your search.

(in reply to Orchid62)

RE: The need to be rude?!? - 10/5/2010 1:01:55 PM

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

~FR~
I have to agree w/ what Steven said. Also, I can't speak for anyone else, but when someone calls me Dear they'd better be in some kind of existing relationship w/ me, be it friends, or family, or romantic. Otherwise it does sound condescending to my ears.

~sweetsub~

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)

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