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I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 3:29:04 PM   
DaddysInkedSlut


Posts: 1837
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline 		I am seeking the outside opinions of unbiased strangers who for the most part dont know me at all.


There situation is this.

I have been involved with a man (EQD2 ) for awhile know, almost a year actually. I have never had his home address, I send letters and stuff to his PO Box. I never thought it was a big deal really, I didn't use my home address for mail for along time. I have never been to his home. He says he lives with his mother (the one who is sick) so I couldn't.

He doesn't have a home phone according to him again not uncommon. Neither do I. But he rarely ever answers his cell phone. He says its because he is always at works according to him he works 2 jobs.

Today I asked him if I could have his home address because I was ordering him something and it couldn't be shipped to a PO Box he told me he didn't have stuff mailed to his home address for personal reasons and to mail it to his job. A bit later I asked him if he was ever going to accept my friends request on facebook, he said "Im going to hold off on adding you to fb until the time is right." I have meet his daughter but that was brief and we didn't really talk or anything. He had a profile for almost 8 mths on fetlife that I never knew about, I wasn't mentioned in or was thee fact that he is in a relationship. When I brought it up, he made it out like I was being insecure. He put a picture of me up and labeled it my property.

Am I being naive?

Am I refusing to see what is right in front of me?

As unbiased people on the outside looking into this situion what would you suggest I do?



< Message edited by DaddysInkedSlut -- 1/20/2011 3:30:41 PM >

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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 3:33:56 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I'm sorry to say it, but I think you are being naive. I don't know how old the daughter was, but that could be explained as just a friend he introduced her to. The mother is old enough to know he has a personal life, sick or not. Keeping you at a distance for this long isn't something I would consider on the up and up. I would consider it a stalling tactic to keep his life with you separated from his life... elsewhere. Whatever could a real reason be for this?

You are to be kept hidden. Why?


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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 3:37:48 PM   
DaddysInkedSlut


Posts: 1837
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline 		His daughter is 16 and his explanation is he isn't looking at the moment but the big picture as far as me meeting hsi family and friends. His reasons for me not being in his profiles is he is a private person and doesn't want the unnessary jealousy or drama from putting his relationship stuff out there.

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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 3:44:53 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		LOL That privacy thing covers a whole lot of sins in my opinion.

Don't you want a man who is transparent and you don't have to wonder... is he being real with me... is he being honest with me... is there someone else... what is actually going on here? Sure you do! He is not it. You have a right... more than that... you have a need, in a relationship where there should be trust... to be able to trust. You are set up to wonder. If he cannot ease your fears and wondering... what does that say? You get excuses... not answers that really would be acceptable to most.

Power dynamic's don't have to be crazy making situations and this is. You are giving more than his attentions are worth. If I were you... I would stop the purchase of whatever it was you wanted to send and maybe wanted to send to see if you could get the address... and go buy yourself something nice... then go out and have some fun. Yup... I would be having my own good time and would be as transparent as I could be.

I'm moving on player.


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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 4:02:39 PM   
soul2share


Posts: 7084
Joined: 12/18/2007
From: somewhere out there.....
Status: offline 		Sweetie, I have to agree with Lockit here.  After a year, you should know his address, have been to his house, met his mom, family, friends, etc.  He doesn't have things mailed to home?  I don't know where he works, but most businesses aren't to happy to be used for personal mail.  And I sure wouldn't have my mail sent to work......I'd be too worried it would get lost or stolen.

The fact that he had a profile on FL wouldn't have been a flag to me if he'd at least mentioned you, and/or the fact he is involved with you, but you say that wasn't the case.  He won't accept your friend request on FB, what will he consider a "good time"?  Why is he hiding you??

Take the $$$ you were going to spend on him and do what Lockit says.....treat yourself to something nice, and enjoy it.  Me, personally, I'd be moving on down the highway.  Don't waste your time on someone who isn't willing to be totally open with you and your relationship.  Don't settle for being on the bottom of any list of priorities.  But I'm selfish that way.....

Good luck....I know it's tough to evaluate something and try to decide things when you've got alot invested.....but you need to put yourself first sometimes.  I've been in your shoes, I know how much it sucks.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 4:07:49 PM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
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Status: offline 		I have two thoughts on this... narcolepsy or he is married. But I am leaning towards narcolepsy. 

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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 4:29:17 PM   
DaddysInkedSlut


Posts: 1837
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline 		I do want a man who is transparent and this situation brings up ALOT of demons and insecurites all the time infact THAT is his big thing. He blames my reaction to alot of this on my personl insecurities and lately I am thinking WTF... you give me reasons to be insecure about us but att he same time I honestly wasn't sure what was really the natural reaction to this situation and what was due to old demons. That is why I did seek the imput of strangers.

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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 4:31:06 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I would suggest you dump him.

He sounds like a married cheater or otherwise emotionally unavailable.

When you care about someone, you find the time to call, no matter how busy you are. In the car, in the bathroom, in bed, there are plenty of opportunities.

Like Lockit says, spend the money on something nice for yourself.

Best wishes,

KK

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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 4:39:47 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
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Status: offline 		After the first red flag I start plugging his name into databases. Many interesting things are a matter of public record.

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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 4:46:10 PM   
DaddysInkedSlut


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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

After the first red flag I start plugging his name into databases. Many interesting things are a matter of public record.



Ive done this and nothing has ever come up negative. Lol

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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 4:46:59 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddysInkedSlut

I do want a man who is transparent and this situation brings up ALOT of demons and insecurites all the time infact THAT is his big thing. He blames my reaction to alot of this on my personl insecurities and lately I am thinking WTF... you give me reasons to be insecure about us but att he same time I honestly wasn't sure what was really the natural reaction to this situation and what was due to old demons. That is why I did seek the imput of strangers.


Okay, lets go to your past for a few. You don't have to answer anything here on the thread... just answer within your heart. Isn't it true that people who are often called con-men, will use any weakness they can find to deflect attention to someone else and avoid having to answer anything? It is a very passive aggressive thing, when asked about something or addressing something... to turn the attention onto someone and make it their issue and no longer their own. It is also something people do to deflect and get off the hot seat.

If you feel that your issues from the past are a problem, I would suggest talking to someone not involved. Do you feel you could benefit from that? If so, do it. If you have a history with men that have done this sort of thing to you... you know what it felt like before. Is it unhealthy to be fearful of that when in a situation that presents the same way? Is it wrong to question things that most would? Is that really your problem... or his? You may have some abandonment issues or baggage from the past... but he is not helping it by pointing it out or putting you in a similar situation. If he cared about you, wouldn't he be sure to ease the pains of the past and assure you that isn't what he is doing as well? Or expect you to get a little help with this? Wouldn't he be forthright with you so that you didn't go to those dark places? And... if you did go to those dark places... would he really think it best... and fair... or even nice... lets go there.. nice... to point the finger at you and proceed to continue on his way?

The guy has game and he is using your past against you, so that you will hang in there longer so he can continue to have you... dishonestly. That's my take. You may have another take, but... you are the one that matters here... not me. Your take for a time, may change by the moment, but it is what you will have to own and live with. Be kind to yourself.

I really hope you can find your way through this and will finally rest... knowing you are worth more than this.


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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 4:48:04 PM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		You've been in a relationship for over a year and he is making excuses as to why you can't have personal information such as his home address?  He makes excuses why you can't send him something at home?  Sorry but it sounds like the truth is right in front of you, he either doesn't trust you with stuff he deems REALLY important to him, he's reluctant to bring you into his world and include you in his life which he would do by introducing you to people who matter to him such as family and friends, or he is hiding something that he knows if you found out he would be dumped.

I am curious, how did he introduce you to his daughter.  Was it with a label of what you are to him?  Or just your name?

All in all, you have probably answered these very type of questions with regard to other posters on this very site, what is usually your response to them? 


angel


< Message edited by barelynangel -- 1/20/2011 4:50:24 PM >

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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 4:49:49 PM   
LadyHibiscus


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Status: offline 		Inky. Really? You need our help with this?

THE TRUTH IS IN FRONT OF YOU.

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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 4:50:45 PM   
dcnovice


Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline 		FT

Fwiw, I have packages sent to work because it's a pain in the neck to retrieve them from the rental office. But I don't use that as a reason to hide my address.

Two quotes came to mind as I read your sad situation:

-- The sigfile of one of our regular posters (I forget who) quotes Erica Jong as saying advice is what we ask for when we know what to do but wish we didn't.

-- A friend who broke up with a closeted partner said, "I'm not anyone's dirty little secret."


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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 4:51:24 PM   
DaddysInkedSlut


Posts: 1837
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline 		@ angel - Just my name, although that was how he was introduced to my children as well. Granted they meet him along time ago.

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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 4:54:33 PM   
DaddysInkedSlut


Posts: 1837
Joined: 5/14/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: dcnovice
-- The sigfile of one of our regular posters (I forget who) quotes Erica Jong as saying advice is what we ask for when we know what to do but wish we didn't.





this is it exactly dc... I asked because in my heart I know the truth but I dont want to admit it... and because truthfully he has me wondering lately if it is me being insecure and my abandonment issues creeping in rather than HIM.

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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 4:56:03 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		It is convenient then isn't it that you have insecurities that he can blame?

I get the need for privacy, but really, to not be able to send him something?
After a year?

I am guessing that the "personal reasons" don't exactly have a concrete explanation.

So, either he is hiding something (or someone) or he doesn't trust you to have the information.

Perhaps he isn't married, but maybe you aren't his primary partner and he doesn't want her to see whatever it is when she comes to visit.

Or perhaps he was stalked in the past... but in either case you have to decide if this is enough for you.
If past stalking is THE ISSUE then do you want to be in a situation where he is distrustful?

In my opinion, trust is always a 2 way street.

No matter what the explaination, you never have to accept unacceptable behavior, and if his inability to be transparent is unacceptable to you, then that is valid.

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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 5:06:53 PM   
CaringandReal


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddysInkedSlut

I have been involved with a man (EQD2 ) for awhile know, almost a year actually. As unbiased people on the outside looking into this situion what would you suggest I do?




I can't tell from what you wrote if you have ever met him in the flesh. Have you? And how often do you meet if that has happened?

I agree with barelynangel, the time frame has been way too long. If someone intends to make you theirs, they would have done it by now. :( Are you aware that there is a virrulent rash, almost an infection, of online-only dominants out there who lie extremely well about their intentions of taking something to real life and who are very good at similating dominance over a computer? Lots of times submissives behave like you have, accept all sorts of weird and isolating and time-extending conditions, because we want so badly to believe he's the right master or dominant for us and because over a computer he seems very dominant--impossible to tell from the real thing, in fact. It can be super hard to leave such a situation, as by this time you are so deeply invested in it, but that's what you might want to start thinking about, thinking about how to do it. A strong support system of friends will really help here.

I'm sorry, but I don't see a future with this, although if you are meeting for real and regularly, that might change my opinion.

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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 5:11:12 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
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From: London, England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddysInkedSlut
Am I being naive?

Am I refusing to see what is right in front of me?

As unbiased people on the outside looking into this situion what would you suggest I do?


1. Yes.

2. Yes.

3. If you're happy seeing a married/attached guy then fine. In fact, even if you're not, and yet you're still really happy with the way things are, and realise that it'll never get to be any more than it is, then fine too. However, if you want something more, and I kind of think you wouldn't be asking the questions if you were sanguine with the status quo, then it's time to front up and, if the truth is as it looks, bail.

3b. Sorry :( You did ask :(

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RE: I need unbiased opinions of faceless strangers... Lol - 1/20/2011 5:15:11 PM   
DaddysInkedSlut


Posts: 1837
Joined: 5/14/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal


quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddysInkedSlut

I have been involved with a man (EQD2 ) for awhile know, almost a year actually. As unbiased people on the outside looking into this situion what would you suggest I do?




I can't tell from what you wrote if you have ever met him in the flesh. Have you? And how often do you meet if that has happened?



Yes, we have meet in the flesh and see each other at least once a week.

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