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RE: True submissive? - 7/13/2011 9:50:45 PM

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Thanks for all your input. I do want to be the best sub/slave I can be. Some might find that stupid or feel the need to vomit. Maybe I question myself to much, but I believe that while serving him I shouldn't be thinking of myself. So it makes me feel a little ashamed. I think this in its self will be a distraction from focusing on pleasing him. I know the difference between a strong sub and a doormat. For me this is a need, it's not a game or something to do on a Friday night. It’s how I find my pleasure. I’m also a masochist but have never found myself questing if I truly was one. So I guess I’m just a little confused. Thank you

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RE: True submissive? - 7/13/2011 10:19:45 PM

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why would you feel shame?

I personally feel most comfortable there.

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RE: True submissive? - 7/13/2011 10:22:31 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness

quote:

So, you think that you become submissive and you suddenly stop being human? Stop having needs, wants and emotions?

Not at all. I'm only asking because I’m meeting someone for coffee, or I was going to. But the things that I’m suppose to do are already freaking me out. And before anyone asks I’m not to show up naked. lol

But after speaking with him and feeling like I’m ready to bolt before doing the things he's asked, has brought up "shit" for lack of a better word for me.

Thanks for all your input. I appreciate it.

I'm going to make a little bit of an assumption here. You are new (you admit) and you have been talking to some guy. I'm going to assume this guy has been telling you how a "sub" behaves and what they do and don't do, even if he is saying it is what he wants "his" sub to do. Guess what? If it makes you uncomfortable, say "thanks, but you aren't right for me," and move on.

You have never met this person, yet he is giving you instructions on what to do in order to meet him? Of course you are uncomfortable, it's perfectly normal.

So ask yourself this question: Do you want a relationship with a man that encompasses the D/s dynamic, or do you want someone that you don't have any kind of intimate relationship with aside from the D/s dynamic?

If you want a relationship, then get to know someone before you let them start giving you "instructions." Because as someone that used to be here said, "you both serve the relationship." In other words, you wouldn't let someone you were meeting who was vanilla give you "instructions" for your first date, would you?

Lesson number one, not just for BDSM, but for life: Follow your gut. If someone tells you to do something that makes your gut turn in a bad way, don't do it. Sure, feel free to talk to them about you not feeling comfortable about it, but if they say anything to the tune of "if you are a 'true' sub," then run as fast as you can in the other direction.

Welcome to CM by the way. Look around these boards, you can find a lot of good advice here.

And as for the feeling comfortable naked thing....unless you actually have things hidden under your clothes like scars or something, most guys have a pretty good idea what you are going to look like naked, and if they want to take your clothes off, they aren't looking to critique you, they are thinking of other things! I know that may not be a popular thought for people who are self conscious about their bodies, but I figured out long ago, if I'm at the point with someone that clothes are coming off, I'm not going to worry about what he thinks of my body, I'm going to think about those "other things" as well.

(in reply to Wretchedness)

RE: True submissive? - 7/13/2011 10:35:28 PM

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Thank you LafayetteLady

I'm very uncomfortable with the things that I am to do. I have sent a message apologizing that I wasn't ready for real life and I would have to cancel.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

RE: True submissive? - 7/13/2011 11:47:48 PM

Arpig

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quote:

Your post is rather rude. You know, when my daughter stays online too long she gets bitchy and out of character. Just how long have you been online today? You should step away from it for a day.

You really think so Einstein? Awwwwww, I bet you're just smarting about the anal sex crack on your soap opera thread aren't you dude?

Wretchedness, a word of advice here, ignore absolutely everything that Arturas says on any topic whatsoever.

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RE: True submissive? - 7/14/2011 12:00:53 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness

Thank you LafayetteLady

I'm very uncomfortable with the things that I am to do. I have sent a message apologizing that I wasn't ready for real life and I would have to cancel.

I would disagree - I think that listening to that inner voice shouting "RUN!!!" means that you are totally ready for real life!

If you are looking for a relationship rather than play, then what's the harm in insisting that you meet on vanilla terms until you are comfortable enough to trust him with the D/s stuff? Online/telephone chemistry is all very good, but if it's not there in r/l then you're a bit stuffed. Get to know each other as people first, and then move forward when you're ready.

That's the approach that worked for me - the Boss and I dated for a couple of months until the night I felt compelled to kneel in front of him and ask him to be my Master. We both agree it was worth the wait.

YMMV.

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RE: True submissive? - 7/14/2011 12:31:35 AM

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Win and I have somewhat discussed this before, because I have the same problem as the OP. It is a self confidence problem and it can be corrected, just not overnight. I agree with whoever had said that you have to be comfortable in your own skin first and that is not an easy or quick process, but I also have to say that I think even when you achieve that, you are still not going to be comfortable with it until you meet the Dom that is right for you.

As far as the 'true submissive' stuff goes, that really is a bunch of crap. If you feel the submissiveness in your core, whether or not you doubt the 'trueness' of it, that is all that matters. When the right Dom comes along you will be his sub, end of story.

I don't agree with what DarkSteven said,completely. Yes, subs do tend to do things that make them uncomfortable, and I have no problem with that in general, but I don't think they should do things that will contribute to an already low confidence level.

(in reply to myotherself)

RE: True submissive? - 7/14/2011 1:53:40 AM

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quote:

If you are looking for a relationship rather than play, then what's the harm in insisting that you meet on vanilla terms until you are comfortable enough to trust him with the D/s stuff? Online/telephone chemistry is all very good, but if it's not there in r/l then you're a bit stuffed. Get to know each other as people first, and then move forward when you're ready.

No i was wanting to meet him in person for coffee. But it was the way he wanted me to dress that made me freak out. I'm a rather shy peron and i'm not into looking like a whore in public. I understand the following orders, but it's just a little to much for me to start with.

< Message edited by Wretchedness -- 7/14/2011 1:54:57 AM >

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RE: True submissive? - 7/14/2011 1:53:49 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness

Thank you LafayetteLady

I'm very uncomfortable with the things that I am to do. I have sent a message apologizing that I wasn't ready for real life and I would have to cancel.

I would disagree - I think that listening to that inner voice shouting "RUN!!!" means that you are totally ready for real life!

If you are looking for a relationship rather than play, then what's the harm in insisting that you meet on vanilla terms until you are comfortable enough to trust him with the D/s stuff? Online/telephone chemistry is all very good, but if it's not there in r/l then you're a bit stuffed. Get to know each other as people first, and then move forward when you're ready.

That's the approach that worked for me - the Boss and I dated for a couple of months until the night I felt compelled to kneel in front of him and ask him to be my Master. We both agree it was worth the wait.

YMMV.

Kerching!

To the OP:

I totally agree with myotherself, the fact that you cancelled doesn't mean you're not ready for r/l, it means that you're not ready to do the things that this dom asked you to do. Don't beat yourself up about it - in the initial stages of a relationship you have every right to say no. It seems that this guy is just a little pushy, and perhaps just a little too interested in your submission rather than you.

So, don't feel ashamed, or give yourself a hard time, chalk this one up and continue your journey.

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RE: True submissive? - 7/14/2011 3:16:31 AM

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FR

Da Bunny has da wisdoms. ~nods~

When you're meeting someone for the first time, they have no call to give you "orders" as to how to dress. There is no d/s at a first meet. It's just to see if there is any chemistry.
I've weeded out a number of men who insisted on mini skirts with no panties & tops with too much cleavage just for coffee. Stick to your guns so to speak. When you do meet someone irl, you have every right to tell that person, I'm not comfortable wearing that, or no, I'm not going to your place (or hotel, or bondage club) after coffee or dinner. Too many people see new people as fresh meat. You seem to be a well grounded person. Stay that way.

In regard to the nekkid in front of your partner (dominant or otherwise) it takes time. Unless you typically have sex on a first date, take it one step at a time. Get comfortable with the man as a person first, after all, you a a woman first and foremost.

(ETA the FR...)

< Message edited by BurntKitty -- 7/14/2011 3:19:37 AM >

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RE: True submissive? - 7/14/2011 3:19:51 AM

OwnedFemaleFlesh

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FR. I think you are a little too caught up on the image of sitting at a Master's feet naked. I have been involved in BDSM for over ten years now and have yet to meet a Dom who required me to do this! I do hate being naked but fortunately my Owner has a fetish for silky underwear, so this is what I spend most of my time wearing. It makes me *so much* happier than in bygone days when Doms would always want me to go knickerless. You say you have never been involved in a relationship with a Dom, you have a long journey to go on. Don't make yourself panic long before it has even started! Take it slowly, and find the right Dom for you, not a stereotype that may or may not be real! xxx

(in reply to peppermint)

RE: True submissive? - 7/14/2011 4:18:14 AM

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For someone who is shy and has never had a relationship with a dom you have some interesting pictures posted. Just saying.

A lot of people meet online first these days, I see no harm in that, unless you immediately go into a dom/sub dynamic before ever meeting the person. Don't do that !! And question in the harshest possible light anyone who would expect you to do that.

If you want an actual relationship, I agree you are going to have to tone down the fantasies and the online crap and think more of how you would behave if you were seeking a vanilla relationship.

Please remember: submission is inspired, not forced. If someone does not know how to inspire you to submit, they are not for you.

You are a very attractive young lady, and there are plenty of dominant fish in the sea.

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RE: True submissive? - 7/14/2011 6:07:06 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Um. To me, part of being a sub is doing something even though it DOES make you uncomfortable.

^^
This

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RE: True submissive? - 7/14/2011 6:53:33 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
Um. To me, part of being a sub is doing something even though it DOES make you uncomfortable.

I get where you are coming from and don't disagree.

But...I would probably change it to this if I was the author

"To me, part of being a sub is doing something with someone you trust even though it DOES make you feel uncomfortable"

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RE: True submissive? - 7/14/2011 7:23:54 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Um. To me, part of being a sub is doing something even though it DOES make you uncomfortable.

I'll agree Steven, to a point. But, it's also about easing past that point of being uncomfortable, especially when you're new. If a Dominant respects that someone is uncomfortable, they can work past that point. If someone just doesn't care, they're likely to cause resentment and panic.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness

I believe that while serving him I shouldn't be thinking of myself.

We do this because it makes us happy. This means that your needs and wants (to a point) are met. Realistically, you're never going to stop thinking about yourself completely and you're setting yourself up for failure by putting so much weight on it.

The right person will acknowledge your discomfort and work you through it. D/s is a symbiotic relationship and it doesn't flow only in one direction.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness
Not at all. I'm only asking because I’m meeting someone for coffee, or I was going to. But the things that I’m suppose to do are already freaking me out.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness
. But it was the way he wanted me to dress that made me freak out. I'm a rather shy peron and i'm not into looking like a whore in public. I understand the following orders, but it's just a little to much for me to start with.

My personal view is that I don't do anything related to D/s before we meet or on the first meeting. 1) I'm meeting them to figure out if I even like them. 2) I'm not their submissive yet. 3) If you meet and decide you don't like them, you've sent mixed messages. 4) How I dress reflects my personality and I'm not about to change that for stranger I've never met.

Go have coffee. Wear what you want. Meet in a public place. Have a conversation. Go home alone. Figure out if you enjoyed being with them on a personal level. Decide if you want to get to know them.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 7/14/2011 7:29:39 AM >

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RE: True submissive? - 7/14/2011 7:27:42 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

My personal view is that I don't do anything related to D/s before we meet or on the first meeting. 1) I'm meeting them to figure out if I even like them. 2) I'm not their submissive yet. 3) If you meet and decide you don't like them, you've sent mixed messages.

Go have coffee. Wear what you want. Meet in a public place. Have a conversation. Go home alone. Figure out if you enjoyed being with them on a personal level. Decide if you want to get to know them.

Excellent advice.

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RE: True submissive? - 7/14/2011 7:49:59 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness

I'm very uncomfortable with the things that I am to do. I have sent a message apologizing that I wasn't ready for real life and I would have to cancel.

I'm also going to add: Do not allow yourself to be goaded into doing something you're not comfortable with. Many will try to blackmail you into doing what they want by pulling out the "You're not a REAL submissive" card. Somebody who is truly interested in who you are will be willing to put in the time to make you comfortable.

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RE: True submissive? - 7/14/2011 8:39:30 AM

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Thank you again everyone I appreciate and enjoyed reading everyone’s thought on this.

Update if interested: As I said I messaged him saying I was very uncomfortable with the way I was to be dressed in public, and I wasn’t ready for real life. I also told him basically even if I came I would only be able to focus on the way I was dressed and wouldn’t really be there anyway. And that’s the truth. The thought of families out on a Sunday seeing me like that….whatever I just won’t do it. The difference between won’t and can’t is messing with me.

Anyhoo, he sent me a message back saying I’m running away as I always do. I wish it didn’t have to be so hard. As much as I want this lifestyle, maybe he’s right. Maybe I am just running away. It is a pattern for me. I’m usually very up front with people that I tend to do that. It is something I work hard on to overcome. I also engage people and post pictures that make me feel uncomfortable to stay out of my comfort zone on being shy. I’ve gotten a lot better and stronger with my shyness. But I know it’s obviously easier on line.

You all have been really cool talking with me about this. I sincerely appreciate it

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RE: True submissive? - 7/14/2011 8:57:01 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness

quote:

If you are looking for a relationship rather than play, then what's the harm in insisting that you meet on vanilla terms until you are comfortable enough to trust him with the D/s stuff? Online/telephone chemistry is all very good, but if it's not there in r/l then you're a bit stuffed. Get to know each other as people first, and then move forward when you're ready.

No i was wanting to meet him in person for coffee. But it was the way he wanted me to dress that made me freak out. I'm a rather shy peron and i'm not into looking like a whore in public. I understand the following orders, but it's just a little to much for me to start with.

1) He does not own you and has no right to demand you dress in any particular way.
Choosing not to do so does not invalidate who you are.

And in the beginning it is all about choice: you have the right to choose what kind of partner you want. You have the right to find someone who is compatible with your needs, wants and desires. You have the right to negotiate with your compatible partner what is and is not acceptable.

2) You do have provocative photos posted.
That does not change the fact that you get to choose who is or is not compatible.
However, you are projecting a certain kind of image and those photos (on the surface) do not seem to equal shyness. If you wish to be sought after by a different type of dominant partner, you might want to reconsider changing your photos.

Before I found my bliss here and hid my profile, I too had revealing photos on my profile and like you am shy. For me it was a statement that this is me, no hiding. But I was ready to offer that as an explaination.
You do not need to be someone you are not in order to be found desireable.

The first time I got naked with the man who became my Master was for a shared bath. He disrobed with such ease and wth absolutely no posturing that it made it easier for me to simply know that there was no need to make a fuss.
There was no inspection of my parts and no positions I had to get into. The bath was lovely.

Take all the time you need to find someone you feel comfortable with. In my opinion, getting there is half the fun and it is the journey and not the destination... .

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(in reply to Wretchedness)

RE: True submissive? - 7/14/2011 9:08:48 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness

Thank you again everyone I appreciate and enjoyed reading everyone’s thought on this.

Update if interested: As I said I messaged him saying I was very uncomfortable with the way I was to be dressed in public, and I wasn’t ready for real life. I also told him basically even if I came I would only be able to focus on the way I was dressed and wouldn’t really be there anyway. And that’s the truth. The thought of families out on a Sunday seeing me like that….whatever I just won’t do it. The difference between won’t and can’t is messing with me.

Anyhoo, he sent me a message back saying I’m running away as I always do. I wish it didn’t have to be so hard. As much as I want this lifestyle, maybe he’s right. Maybe I am just running away. It is a pattern for me. I’m usually very up front with people that I tend to do that. It is something I work hard on to overcome. I also engage people and post pictures that make me feel uncomfortable to stay out of my comfort zone on being shy. I’ve gotten a lot better and stronger with my shyness. But I know it’s obviously easier on line.

You all have been really cool talking with me about this. I sincerely appreciate it

See, here's the thing. This guy you were chatting with tells you that you are running away as you always do? How does he know what you do if you have never met. As I said earlier, anyone who asks you or tells you that to be submissive one has to do x, y or z is full of shit. You do what YOU want to do until such time that you meet someone you trust to give up some of your power.

As for you posting provocative photos to help rid you of your shyness? I am completely the opposite.

I could not be less shy. I have never been shy, always have been confident about myself. When people ask me why I DON'T post provocative photos of myself I tell them that if they end up being my Dom, they will get to see provocation to the nth degree in real life.

I don't need to flaunt anything and give anyone a free show to prove a thing. And neither should you.

Unless of course, like many people, you are into that kind of thing, and of course, that is fine. But your reason for posting provocation and yet being afraid to embrace it in real life is a disconnect of sorts and one that you should work on.

Just my opinion.

(in reply to Wretchedness)

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