RE: True submissive?

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

RE: True submissive?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: True submissive?

Page: << < prev 3 4 [5] 6 7 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: True submissive? - 7/21/2011 1:49:55 AM

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness

i’m very new to the lifestyle. i have never been with a Dom or Master. i’m a rather shy person, and am pretty uncomfortable being naked. i know that this is wrong and it’s not about how i feel or what i want. It’s about pleasing the One i am to serve. Of course i would do as i’m told.

i have a strong need to serve and want to believe i’m submissive. i feel like it’s my destiny. i am feeling a little lost to think i am not. But i question myself sometimes. Wouldn’t a true submissive not feel shame while naked at her Masters feet? It makes me think that i am fake or something. My only thoughts should be serving Him and not of myself. i know this is a strange question but i would really appreciate any feedback

Humbly
girl

First of all you are not alone. What you are feeling right now is typical. You are not being dramatic or overly sensitive or any such thing. A little shyness is common, a little insecurity is normal. As long as it doesn't get to be debilitating, it's okay.

I have three pieces of advice for you. Take them or leave them at your leisure.

Use your head.
Trust your gut.
Follow your heart.

Make sure all three of those are in sync and you'll stand a good chance at finding something pretty damn good.

If a single one of them is sending off warning flags to you.. pay attention to it. Try to figure out "why" you are getting a certain kind of reaction in one of those key areas.. especially if it doesn't jive with the others.

I wrote this piece specifically for those who are new to BDSM. I hope it will help you. Warning.. it's long, but was written from my heart with no motivation or intention other than to share a little of what I've learned from swimming in the leather vats for a good long while.
Yet more advice

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to Wretchedness)

RE: True submissive? - 7/21/2011 11:51:55 AM

Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline

I just read your piece Bita... nice read and exceptionally well written. Thanks for sharing. OP i really have nothing to add that everyone here has not already shared. I think many have done something or endured something because they thought "well i am the submissive" but until you are HIS submissive it really doesn't apply. Furthermore, you could have dressing up like a whore as a limit and never do it if it is something that you feel causes you so much distress that it is not healthy for you. Take your time at any rate and get to know people before you begin to submit to random men you've only just met. That can be a recipe for disaster in your life.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

RE: True submissive? - 7/21/2011 4:32:39 PM

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/19/2011
Status: offline

Submission can be seen as a direction in which to travel, taking whatever you happen to feel along with you. It's not like the need to submit occurs only with a certain personality or along with any other specific feelings. Your idea of being submissive might amount to a profile of an ideal submissive, but if so it has no correlation with any established ideal, because there is none. Being shy about being naked could as well happen to a dominant as a submissive, just like being an exhibitionist could be a trait of either a dominant or a submissive. Shame can also be lurking in there for either orientation.

What are you thinking submission is, or should be like? The only required element is the desire to be dominated. That desire can manifest whichever ways you like, but those ways are all optional; there is no list of ways to be submissive. Submission is anything that yields to domination. The color of it, what it wears, how fast it drives and which hand holds the fork are unrelated to the principle. Be proud naked, or be shy naked. Just get the laundry done so I don't have to.

The fun part is that whatever you feel uncomfortable doing, at some point you will enjoy it because it has become a way to please your Master. The other side of that is, everything you already enjoy can be turned into a punishment.

(in reply to Wretchedness)

RE: True submissive? - 7/21/2011 6:59:54 PM

Posts: 54
Joined: 6/29/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

I have three pieces of advice for you. Take them or leave them at your leisure.

Use your head.
Trust your gut.
Follow your heart.

Make sure all three of those are in sync and you'll stand a good chance at finding something pretty damn good.

If a single one of them is sending off warning flags to you.. pay attention to it. Try to figure out "why" you are getting a certain kind of reaction in one of those key areas.. especially if it doesn't jive with the others.

That made a lot of sense; looking at it like that I would say that one of those is defiantly out of sync. My head is telling me that this is a bad idea, and I will end up getting hurt. How I don't know. The thoughts are just there.

Thank you again. Everyone has been really kind and I appreciate it very much.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

RE: True submissive? - 7/22/2011 12:30:00 AM

Posts: 54
Joined: 6/29/2011
Status: offline

So he calls me tonight and says he has to cancel, he's taking on a pet? He tells me he's stopping all communication with all the women he's been talking to. Wtf? Okay, I knew there was something off about him.

(in reply to Wretchedness)

RE: True submissive? - 7/22/2011 4:18:07 AM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness

So he calls me tonight and says he has to cancel, he's taking on a pet? He tells me he's stopping all communication with all the women he's been talking to. Wtf? Okay, I knew there was something off about him.

Maybe his wife found out.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Wretchedness)

RE: True submissive? - 7/22/2011 6:02:28 AM

Posts: 160
Status: offline

Interesting thread... Kinda late... I hope you people don't mind if I put in my 2 cents :)

I'd say good riddance. He sounds like a childish person.

I really, really hate this type of man... The type that seems almost dismissive from the get-go. I mean, he may have seemed nice, but the way you portrayed him, it looked as if he was very dismissive of your wellbeing, and the fact that you're a human with thoughts and feelings.

No matter how submissive you are, you will never be able to be happy if you give up yourself for another man. It doesn't have anything to do with with D/s either. I see plenty of vanilla girls give up everything, put in lots of effort, only to have the guy screw them over.

No matter how sexy the fantasy is, if he doesn't regard your feelings, then in the end you will end up suffering(in the non-sexy way)... Emotional drainage and such.

Punishing you for not doing something he had no right to demand IS childish... And it DOES show an undeserving sense of entitlement, and I associate that with childishness or disregard of ones feelings.

Now if this were the sort of thing that made you happy and fulfilled, then no one should stop you from doing it. But it really sounds like it's unhealthy for your psyche.

(in reply to Wretchedness)

RE: True submissive? - 7/22/2011 7:57:32 AM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness

So he calls me tonight and says he has to cancel, he's taking on a pet? He tells me he's stopping all communication with all the women he's been talking to. Wtf? Okay, I knew there was something off about him.

You'll notice that he says he's "taking on a pet", not "I think I've found someone that I really like".

He's trying to manipulate you. He's trying to make you feel guilty and by shutting off communication he's trying to get you to come banging on his door.

I would suggest saying, "Oh, well then, good luck" and never speaking to him again.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Wretchedness)

RE: True submissive? - 7/22/2011 8:20:59 AM

Posts: 54
Joined: 6/29/2011
Status: offline

I'm not sure what he's trying to do. I will say even though I was unsure what me next step was to be, it was like a punch in the gut. When I'm talking with someone I'm not talking with a bunch of other guys too. I get invested in that person. I will say it made me think this just isn't for me. This lifestyle is the only one that I believe will make me happy. I won't do vanilla again. I being as shy as I am doesn't help. I wasn't expecting it to be easy. But I do tend to talk people at their word. I went to bed crying last night. (Stupid I know)

I’ve pretty much abandoned my fet account and am not sure why I don't just close this one. I'm not saying everyone is full of shit here. But 95% of them seem to be.

Thanks again everyone.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: True submissive? - 7/22/2011 9:24:40 AM

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness

I'm not sure what he's trying to do. I will say even though I was unsure what me next step was to be, it was like a punch in the gut. When I'm talking with someone I'm not talking with a bunch of other guys too. I get invested in that person. I will say it made me think this just isn't for me. This lifestyle is the only one that I believe will make me happy. I won't do vanilla again. I being as shy as I am doesn't help. I wasn't expecting it to be easy. But I do tend to talk people at their word. I went to bed crying last night. (Stupid I know)

I’ve pretty much abandoned my fet account and am not sure why I don't just close this one. I'm not saying everyone is full of shit here. But 95% of them seem to be.

Thanks again everyone.

Listen, don't get too hung up on one guy before you know him, talk to a few and do not focus completely on him, that way if he's a wanker, you won't be disappointed and you haven't cut contact to most others. And go to munches and meet people!

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to Wretchedness)

RE: True submissive? - 7/22/2011 10:26:03 AM

Posts: 160
Status: offline

Honestly, W... I think a lot of doms would like you just the way you are. Some people find shyness cute or charming, and will work to get the true you out. Don't just pick the first and the best(Edit: or rather not the best :p). Also I think maybe you SHOULD talk to more dom than one at a time. You don't have to commit to any of them. Just try and make friends, and find guys you have stuff in common with. Even the most sadistic guy probably has a soft side.

< Message edited by littlekitten1 -- 7/22/2011 10:27:01 AM >

(in reply to Wretchedness)

RE: True submissive? - 7/22/2011 9:35:11 PM

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness

I'm not sure what he's trying to do. I will say even though I was unsure what me next step was to be, it was like a punch in the gut. When I'm talking with someone I'm not talking with a bunch of other guys too. I get invested in that person. I will say it made me think this just isn't for me. This lifestyle is the only one that I believe will make me happy. I won't do vanilla again. I being as shy as I am doesn't help. I wasn't expecting it to be easy. But I do tend to talk people at their word. I went to bed crying last night. (Stupid I know)

I’ve pretty much abandoned my fet account and am not sure why I don't just close this one. I'm not saying everyone is full of shit here. But 95% of them seem to be.

Thanks again everyone.

Being shy; being exactly who you are is not a terrible condemnable thing.
Instead of trying to fit yourself to someone that you are not compatible with why not try to find someone who will like you for you?
They are out there.
Many dominant men find shy to be a very attractive trait and will value the your journey self discovery with them.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Wretchedness)

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 2:30:29 AM

Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline

Deal with your issues first. No sane Dom will bother with a sub who's clearly broken - which implies any interest you get is going to be from the predators, the insane and the dangerously fucked up.

_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to Wretchedness)

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 2:36:20 AM

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline

Many doms openly like to fix broken people, and many more subconsciously seek it out. That doesn't make them predators, it simply means they enjoy helping people. Certainly working on her issues is a good thing to do if she's seeking out a relationship, but it isn't going to be a dealbreaker for many and a good dom might well help her to deal with it.

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to Awareness)

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 3:01:20 AM

Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline

I disagree. People seek others who will bring something into their lives. The only way a sane Dom with options is going to bother with a broken sub is if she's super hot. Otherwise he's not getting enough out of it to justify what he's putting into it.

Consequently, this implies she's not going to attract the cream of the crop.

_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to Epytropos)

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 3:10:56 AM

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline

The things people seek are not always what you would expect. The fulfillment of fixing a broken person can be more than sufficient to make up for the effort expended in doing so. Paternalism runs deep in the BDSM community. Even if we assume people purely approach things from the perspective of improving their own lives, which is arguable, that does not demonstrate your broader point.

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to Awareness)

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 3:29:53 AM

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Epytropos

The things people seek are not always what you would expect. The fulfillment of fixing a broken person can be more than sufficient to make up for the effort expended in doing so. Paternalism runs deep in the BDSM community. Even if we assume people purely approach things from the perspective of improving their own lives, which is arguable, that does not demonstrate your broader point.

Sorry, I absolutely have to weigh in with Awareness on this one.

If a person is so shy it's a major issue, they need to work on the whys and wherefore's of that themselves. Expecting someone else to fix you is a recipe for disaster.

Doms with a heavy messiah complex who think they can save everyone are deluding themselves. You can't save anyone who doesn't want to be saved.

Now, can a dom slowly over time make improvements in someone's ability to deal with life's challenges? Surely, if the person wants to make those changes.

But hooking up with someone you know needs fixing and trying to do that yourself is morally wrong. If someone needs fixing that badly, they need a therapist, not a relationship.

And yeah, I do find the behavior somewhat predatory.

_____________________________

(in reply to Epytropos)

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 3:37:03 AM

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
You can't save anyone who doesn't want to be saved.

Absolutely true. Does this OP strike you as someone who doesn't want to be saved?

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 3:39:47 AM

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

Well, being shy and new to it all isn't exactly what I would call "broken" - she has a few issues and possibly a bit of sub frenzy involved, but come on, that is a far cry away from being broken, very new, a bit shy and just finding her way around, that doesn't need "fixing" or is a major flaw.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 3:51:57 AM

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Epytropos

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
You can't save anyone who doesn't want to be saved.

Absolutely true. Does this OP strike you as someone who doesn't want to be saved?

The OP strikes me as a highly confused individual. Her main profile pic is quite explicit (to me) in terms of her need to "embrace pain." She's posted several other pics that are equally explicit.

Though it's been suggested that being new and shy she was sending some mixed messages, she still has the pics up there.

This thread started ten days ago. The OP has been given some wonderful advice, she does not appear to be taking it. Based on what I can tell from her pics and her (self reported ) behavior, I'd say she's lost in some fantasy of her own making.

Look at her screen name for Christ's sake !

She is staking herself out like a willing goat to the slaughter, and yeah, the predators are circling even as we speak.

I can only assume she enjoys the attention.

_____________________________

(in reply to Epytropos)

Page: << < prev 3 4 [5] 6 7 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: True submissive?

Page: << < prev 3 4 [5] 6 7 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.148