RE: True submissive?

Post #: 101

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 3:58:17 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Sorry, I absolutely have to weigh in with Awareness on this one.

Isn't that the first sign of the Apocalypse? :D

Beware !! The four riders approach.

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Post #: 102

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 4:08:41 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

quote:

ORIGINAL: Epytropos

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
You can't save anyone who doesn't want to be saved.

Absolutely true. Does this OP strike you as someone who doesn't want to be saved?

The OP strikes me as a highly confused individual. Her main profile pic is quite explicit (to me) in terms of her need to "embrace pain." She's posted several other pics that are equally explicit.

Though it's been suggested that being new and shy she was sending some mixed messages, she still has the pics up there.

This thread started ten days ago. The OP has been given some wonderful advice, she does not appear to be taking it. Based on what I can tell from her pics and her (self reported ) behavior, I'd say she's lost in some fantasy of her own making.

Look at her screen name for Christ's sake !

She is staking herself out like a willing goat to the slaughter, and yeah, the predators are circling even as we speak.

I can only assume she enjoys the attention.

Personally I think she's a masochist and this whole thing confuses her, at the moment she thinks that because she's shy she has to be a masochist and a submissive, ran into a prick who tried to have her dress as a sex toy and was utterly confused.

Taking a break, thinking about her goals and taking down the bruised and bloodied pics might be a good idea, because it does send out the wrong messages and she sounds like she wants to meet a sadist but yes, it's too much of a welcome for abusers.

Also she tries to run before she walks, somebody talks to her, she focuses all her attention on this guy and then things turn out wrong and she's heartbroken, well, never good to be too needy, she should be aware that she has quite a bit to offer and the guy has to be worthy of her as well. If anything, I 'd say she needs to work less on her shyness and more on her selfesteem and that she has the right to be picky.

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Post #: 103

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 4:24:29 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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She's clearly quite the masochist, which means she attracts sadists.

Here's something I learned about sadists (yes you heard it here first, folks, and this is just the kind of deeply profound sweeping statement you have come to expect from me):

Sadists are mean. They can be incredibly mean in an emotional way with people they have no emotional investment in. Some can be very predatory.

Now, I am not going to get into how healthy it is or isn't to have her degree of masochism displayed right off the bat. But I so agree, she has incredibly poor self esteem, and is explicitly pushing every "see me as a victim" button she can.

Many will find that attractive, I am sure she's getting tons of attention. But how much is the "right" kind?

Yes, I do know that's a subjective question. But let's not be naive, the online BDSM community is full of doms with much less integrity than Awareness claims to have.

This is not a recipe for success. This is a recipe for the kind of newsworthy outcome that makes us all look like predators and idjit victims.

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Post #: 104

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 4:52:37 AM

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quote:

No i was wanting to meet him in person for coffee. But it was the way he wanted me to dress that made me freak out. I'm a rather shy peron and i'm not into looking like a whore in public. I understand the following orders, but it's just a little to much for me to start with.

Note: I haven't read the rest of the thread yet but this stood out. Wretchedness, that he told you how to dress tells me that he wasn't looking for a 'nilla first meet. You did well to cancel, he wasn't listening to you even then, chances are he wouldn't have listened any other time.

To those who need to mock her use of "true submissive", that's kinda counter-productive don't you think? She's new and looking for advice, wouldn't it be better to offer advice.

Stevie, I agree that it's good for a sub/slave to do things that make her uncomfortable but there is a difference between something that makes her uncomfortable and something that (at least for the moment) freaks her out. In the case of kneeling naked before a man, baby steps might be helpful.

Wretchedness, I wish you good luck and welcome to the boards. Keep asking questions there are many who will answer them and help you along. Good luck!

Zeph

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Post #: 105

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 5:01:06 AM

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quote:

For someone who is shy and has never had a relationship with a dom you have some interesting pictures posted. Just saying.

Chatte, I remember when I was a shiny new submissive and posted similar pics. I really wanted to show off those bruises and appear to be more experience than I had. Which is not to say that it's a good thing just that I remember doing it. Live and learn I guess. Personally I would take them down but I guess it's her choice to have them there.

Zeph

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Post #: 106

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 7:29:49 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Epytropos

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
You can't save anyone who doesn't want to be saved.

Absolutely true. Does this OP strike you as someone who doesn't want to be saved?

Actually, she and I have been talking via email. She doesn't live that far from me. She doesn't need to be saved. She's just overwhelmed and shy. She is willing to get out from behind her computer and meet people.

I've suggested that she find a local female sub as mentor to help her become comfortable.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

Well, being shy and new to it all isn't exactly what I would call "broken" - she has a few issues and possibly a bit of sub frenzy involved, but come on, that is a far cry away from being broken, very new, a bit shy and just finding her way around, that doesn't need "fixing" or is a major flaw.

You're absolutely right. She's not broken. I'm not shy and the LA scene was daunting for me as well. I get the feeling from talking to her, that once she meets a few people, she'll do just fine.

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Post #: 107

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 8:12:40 AM

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Great news, got to shoot you a PM

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Post #: 108

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 10:16:30 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness

Thank you again everyone I appreciate and enjoyed reading everyone’s thought on this.

Update if interested: As I said I messaged him saying I was very uncomfortable with the way I was to be dressed in public, and I wasn’t ready for real life. I also told him basically even if I came I would only be able to focus on the way I was dressed and wouldn’t really be there anyway. And that’s the truth. The thought of families out on a Sunday seeing me like that….whatever I just won’t do it. The difference between won’t and can’t is messing with me.

Anyhoo, he sent me a message back saying I’m running away as I always do. I wish it didn’t have to be so hard. As much as I want this lifestyle, maybe he’s right. Maybe I am just running away. It is a pattern for me. I’m usually very up front with people that I tend to do that. It is something I work hard on to overcome. I also engage people and post pictures that make me feel uncomfortable to stay out of my comfort zone on being shy. I’ve gotten a lot better and stronger with my shyness. But I know it’s obviously easier on line.

You all have been really cool talking with me about this. I sincerely appreciate it

The only bad experience with someone I've met on CM was with someone who wanted to me to dress like a whore on our first meet. Just an anecdote, but combining that and an ex Dom who wanted to involve the public in our kink was enough to now disqualify anyone interested in public stuff. (By which I do not mean munches, etc.). I've learned that I am not an exhibitionist and find the idea of involving the public in my kink distasteful. (I learned that concept here.)

Please don't get hung up on this guy. He's trying to emotionally blackmail you. It's better to be single than with a shithead, alone than with an asshole...

I don't proceed with men who say I am not a 'True Submissive" after I express limits or boundaries.

To me, your pictures say you're an "anything goes" kinda gal. While I admire you for trying to overcome your shyness, surely there are way to do this without sending mixed messages. If you are looking for a relationship, seriously consider holding back the kink pics until you know someone better.

Here's a noob post you might find interesting: Recent confusing experience (& it was my first as a /s)

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Post #: 109

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 10:53:08 AM

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I once hooked up with a sociopath - seriously. Yeah it's made me really cautious and I admit that I was stupid both by ignoring red flags, although there were none initially and in the way I dealt with it.

Zeph

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Post #: 110

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 11:17:36 AM

tj444

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

I once hooked up with a sociopath - seriously. Yeah it's made me really cautious and I admit that I was stupid both by ignoring red flags, although there were none initially and in the way I dealt with it.

Zeph

Actually, so did I, I was crazy about him.
He even told me that was what he was right up front. There is a big difference tho betweeen a sociopath and a psychopath tho. He had studied Psychiatry a bit, in college i think but because of that, he knew what he was and he knew what i was. He told me things about myself that no one else ever had or realized about me. I like his honesty with me and i really enjoyed his company and loved sex with him.

I also knew up front that it could never be anything permanent and that I could not control him or have the kind of relationship i seek. I wish it could have been more but I willingly accepted it for what it was.. I am still extremely fond of him and even tho he has his negative aspects, I dont regret anything I did with him...
.. sigh..

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Post #: 111

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 11:27:52 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

I once hooked up with a sociopath - seriously. Yeah it's made me really cautious and I admit that I was stupid both by ignoring red flags, although there were none initially and in the way I dealt with it.

Zeph

A stalker hooked up with me, I ignored the sycophantic stuff as a cultural difference because he seemed like "a nice guy", not got involved or anything, just talked to him, for some people that is enough. To be honest in an odd way I am glad that I can't understand what goes on in his fucked up mind.

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Post #: 112

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 11:38:10 AM

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In my case he was just plain dangerous and no he wasn't upfront about it. It was clear to me that he had no problems with harming me irreparably, no conscience at all. In retrospect it could have been worse but I was fucked up for quite a while afterwards.

Zeph

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Post #: 113

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 12:16:41 PM

tj444

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

In my case he was just plain dangerous and no he wasn't upfront about it. It was clear to me that he had no problems with harming me irreparably, no conscience at all. In retrospect it could have been worse but I was fucked up for quite a while afterwards.

Zeph

Undoubtedly yes, few would admit that was what they are. I am not quite sure why mine told me, maybe he just wanted to see my reaction or something, to amuse him.

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Post #: 114

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 3:17:59 PM

Awareness

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

Well, being shy and new to it all isn't exactly what I would call "broken" - she has a few issues and possibly a bit of sub frenzy involved, but come on, that is a far cry away from being broken, very new, a bit shy and just finding her way around, that doesn't need "fixing" or is a major flaw.

Well I see a lot more than you see. Her screen name, her pictures, her profile all combine to strongly suggest a very broken individual who's fetishised pain and self-mutilation. I expect to see these things on the profiles of stupid little emo/goth girls, not a 36 year old woman whose personality should be more established. Her profile screams "prey" and will only attract predators or - as CP pointed out - dudes with a messiah complex.

The BDSM world is subject to the same social games as the vanilla world and individuals often try and put forward an identity that isn't their own in order to impress and be accepted. There's possibly an element of that at play here, but I'd be surprised. Her self-worth is clearly in the toilet.

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Post #: 115

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 3:34:59 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

Well, being shy and new to it all isn't exactly what I would call "broken" - she has a few issues and possibly a bit of sub frenzy involved, but come on, that is a far cry away from being broken, very new, a bit shy and just finding her way around, that doesn't need "fixing" or is a major flaw.

Well I see a lot more than you see. Her screen name, her pictures, her profile all combine to strongly suggest a very broken individual who's fetishised pain and self-mutilation. I expect to see these things on the profiles of stupid little emo/goth girls, not a 36 year old woman whose personality should be more established. Her profile screams "prey" and will only attract predators or - as CP pointed out - dudes with a messiah complex.

The BDSM world is subject to the same social games as the vanilla world and individuals often try and put forward an identity that isn't their own in order to impress and be accepted. There's possibly an element of that at play here, but I'd be surprised. Her self-worth is clearly in the toilet.

SHE IS NEW, she just found BDSM, most of us when we started wanted to appear more experienced, it is quite an overwhelming world and can be daunting.

Her self-worth might be a bit down but not in the toilet, otherwise that dick could have persuaded her to dress slutty, she would have fallen for that guy hookline and sinker then and not asked.

It's all terribly new for her, she isn't even aware what is out there, which signals she's sending out, she needs somebody who will take her by the hand and explain, best in person and she seems to be getting that now from another femsub. Socially awkward doesn't automatically mean broken and in need to be fixed.

I'm concerned that her profile will attract predators but not because she's broken but because she's so new and doesn't know her way around, shy doesn't help much, she's possibly enjoying the attention. It's the BDSM equivalent of a girl who's discovering that her breasts or legs attract boys, and heck, all of us gals dressed possibly borderline slutty or wore makeup like a clown when we discovered that because we went overboard.

Bear in mind that she had no BDSM relationship so far, how should she know all of it? Child in a sweet shop and all that.

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Post #: 116

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 5:26:28 PM

Wretchedness

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I'm not broken, I'm shy…. to the *#@$%^ that said I was and that I was unattractive and wouldn't attract the cream of the crop. Where you talking about people like you? Because I’ll pass. Being shy is NOT BROKEN. You on the other hand might want to get yourself checked. Just saying.

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Post #: 117

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 5:34:11 PM

Wretchedness

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

quote:

Well I see a lot more than you see. Her screen name, her pictures, her profile all combine to strongly suggest a very broken individual who's fetishised pain and self-mutilation. I expect to see these things on the profiles of stupid little emo/goth girls, not a 36 year old woman whose personality should be more established. Her profile screams "prey" and will only attract predators or - as CP pointed out - dudes with a messiah complex.

The BDSM world is subject to the same social games as the vanilla world and individuals often try and put forward an identity that isn't their own in order to impress and be accepted. There's possibly an element of that at play here, but I'd be surprised. Her self-worth is clearly in the toilet.

Wow is this were I’m suppose to break down and get all suicidal because some douche bag has a low opinion of me and thinks I’m emo. Maybe you need to look in that toilet for your own self worth dear. I'm unimpressed.

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Post #: 118

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 5:34:40 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness

I'm not broken, I'm shy…. to the *#@$%^ that said I was and that I was unattractive and wouldn't attract the cream of the crop. Where you talking about people like you? Because I’ll pass. Being shy is NOT BROKEN. You on the other hand might want to get yourself fixed so you can't procreate. Just saying.

There, fixed it for ya, no charge.

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Post #: 119

RE: True submissive? - 7/23/2011 5:35:55 PM

Awareness

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wretchedness

I'm not broken, I'm shy…. to the *#@$%^ that said I was and that I was unattractive and wouldn't attract the cream of the crop. Where you talking about people like you? Because I’ll pass. Being shy is NOT BROKEN. You on the other hand might want to get yourself checked. Just saying.

I don't recall saying anything about whether you were attractive or not. I said that Doms who take on broken women will usually only do so if she's super hot.

Frankly, I can't tell if you're attractive or not, because you're hiding yourself behind a mask. And no, being shy is not broken, but the combination of being insecure, feeling you're wretched and worthless and looking for someone to beat you, is.

My suggestion would be to stop trying to live up to some kind of ideal or image of what you think you 'should' be. Not all Doms are interested in inflicting pain, so not all subs have to be masochistic pain-puppies who want to be beaten. The crap you've got all over your face is unattractive, fake and reeks of someone trying desperately to be accepted.

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