RE: Not a sucker

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

RE: Not a sucker

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Not a sucker

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 5 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Not a sucker - 9/11/2011 9:56:49 PM

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

*FR*
I have never met a man who didn't want and/or expect oral. Not even the few that said they could not get off on oral always managed to stick their cock in my mouth at sometime or another.

If it is a hard limit make it known from the start.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/11/2011 10:14:29 PM

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

*FR*
I have never met a man who didn't want and/or expect oral. Not even the few that said they could not get off on oral always managed to stick their cock in my mouth at sometime or another.

If it is a hard limit make it known from the start.

I always come right out with it because I want them to know before it becomes an issue.

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to Missokyst)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/11/2011 10:40:02 PM

Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline

Thanks for being brave enough to give us enough info to figure it out.

I have a parallel. When I'm about to spank (or flog) an ass, I always inquire as to whether that's okay. I'll say "Sometimes people have had a bad experience getting hit on the ass. How about you?" If they stiffen -regardless of their answer, we might talk, or I might not flog their ass, or something appropriate.

I keep in mind "I'm your top, not your psych."

That all said, I hate, absolutely HATE to suggest this: Have you thought about psychiatric help? Was there any at the time or have you borne this horror by yourself for so long? I don't need the answer - just want you to think that through.

I'm getting the feeling that you would like to accomodate your gentlemen friends, but since you can't, you are unhappy about your reaction to them and YOURSELF. And that is where a psych can help - make you less unhappy about the situation. Maybe even alleviate your suffering. I do not know, but I can tell you this: you sound unhappy with the current situation.

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

10 fluffy points
50 nz points

Member: VAA's posse

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/11/2011 10:57:15 PM

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

Thanks for being brave enough to give us enough info to figure it out.

I have a parallel. When I'm about to spank (or flog) an ass, I always inquire as to whether that's okay. I'll say "Sometimes people have had a bad experience getting hit on the ass. How about you?" If they stiffen -regardless of their answer, we might talk, or I might not flog their ass, or something appropriate.

I keep in mind "I'm your top, not your psych."

That all said, I hate, absolutely HATE to suggest this: Have you thought about psychiatric help? Was there any at the time or have you borne this horror by yourself for so long? I don't need the answer - just want you to think that through.

I'm getting the feeling that you would like to accomodate your gentlemen friends, but since you can't, you are unhappy about your reaction to them and YOURSELF. And that is where a psych can help - make you less unhappy about the situation. Maybe even alleviate your suffering. I do not know, but I can tell you this: you sound unhappy with the current situation.

I am unhappy that people wont accept me as I am. I am unhappy that I feel the need to change.

I do see a therapist and I see nothing wrong with you suggesting it, it is a sound idea.

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to LanceHughes)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/11/2011 11:06:55 PM

Posts: 100
Joined: 11/21/2010
Status: offline

Magick, I feel your pain, darlin. And not in the "I understand" way, but in the "I really, really understand". I used to have issues just being casually touched by a guy. Even if I liked him. (I am talking freezing up, panicking, swinging...Anything to make the fear abate.) My best suggestion: Keep up the therapist. It can get better.

If a guy can't forego one sexual act for you, then he's not the Dominant you are searching for.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/11/2011 11:08:38 PM

Posts: 232
Joined: 9/5/2011
Status: offline

Having read the thread I can relate. I don't preform oral on women. So I understand completely. When i was in the service of my Mistress she had me go down on her pregnant friend. Her water broke on my face. In my mouth. It completely fucks me up and im not worth shit. So NO. don't fucking change. Its a limit. Just because your in a D/s relationship doesn't mean you don't have feelings. If your partner cant accept that, fuck em. Move on. May seem callous but it is what it is. If someone is going to end a relationship that has love, trust, and respect something like a blow job shouldn't be the end all be all in the relationship.

Now if you had something happen in your past and your not happy with yourself because you cant preform this, then i agree with above talk to a psychiatrist. But Srsly in the end it shouldn't be the defining thing in your relationship

_____________________________

We often refuse to accept an idea merely because the tone of voice in which it has been expressed is unsympathetic to us.
~Friedrich Nietzsche

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/11/2011 11:16:23 PM

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ummmmNo

Magick, I feel your pain, darlin. And not in the "I understand" way, but in the "I really, really understand". I used to have issues just being casually touched by a guy. Even if I liked him. (I am talking freezing up, panicking, swinging...Anything to make the fear abate.) My best suggestion: Keep up the therapist. It can get better.

If a guy can't forego one sexual act for you, then he's not the Dominant you are searching for.

I am sooooo much better than I was! Most things dont faze me anymore and if I do have a gut reaction I come back pretty quickly. I have Magik to thank for most of that-taking it slow and making it ok and I still love him for it even though we arent together anymore.

But this, this just stuck.

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to ummmmNo)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/11/2011 11:56:12 PM

Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline

There is nothing wrong with not being interested in oral. In my mind, you have your limits and that's the way it is. Some are opposed to anal, some needles, some being tied up, and so on.

What you are comfortable doing is all that matters. If you want to be able to perform this on a master that is a choice for you to make, and certainly a good D in my personal opinion, would work towards helping you achieve that while respecting your struggle. Pushing limits is about communication and being trusting of eachother. If it's simply not something you are interested in doing, then so what! Don't do it. Period.

There are men who would be fine with never recieving a blow job, although I'm certain if you were able to overcome this internal struggle for a special someone (and it would most definitely require someone special) then that bond between you would be even greater. It shows your willingness to please, and his willingness to be patient and understanding of your strengths and weaknesses. If you are simply not interested in doing it, and it is indeed a hard limit, then so what!

Be yourself, follow your insticts, don't be affraid to challenge yourself, but do not do anything you do not want to do. The whole purpose of discussing hard limits, is to find out where your boundaries are in and out of the bedroom, and building your relationship within them.

_____________________________

Basically if you can't inspire someone to trust you deeply, you aren't going to be able to buy that or a reasonable facsimile thereof. -DesFIP

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 12:14:26 AM

avena

Posts: 80
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline

To me, a limit is a limit, regardless of the reason. So if not giving oral is a limit for you, then so be it. Like someone else said, it might reduce the number of potential partners for you, but I'm not so sure that's a bad thing in general. But then, I'm a Libra. Making choices can be agonizing for me!

I also have to agree with what Lance said. From what I've inferred from your posts in this thread, it's not just that oral is a limit. There's something a lot deeper tied to it. I can relate to that. Oh boy, can I ever.

I've managed to overcome a lot of what used to hold me back. D has actually been instrumental in helping me through some of it. And before D came into my life, some of the most wonderful caring friends a girl can have helped me through most of the rest of it. There's only one lingering issue, and unfortunately it's something that's high on D's 'want list'.

'Want list'...not 'need list'...

As some of the dominants who've responded have said, if you're willing to try and work through it, then it wouldn't be an issue for them. For D, the fact that I'm willing to even consider thinking about trying to work through it is enough for him. There are good dominants out there who will understand your concerns and be willing to work through it with you. There are also likely some who just aren't bothered by the thought of no oral in their sex life (I've met more than a handful of guys who had no desire for oral).

You don't sound like the kind of person who would let someone bully her into doing something she didn't want...So all I can say, I guess, is good luck. Keep looking. You'll find him.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 12:30:26 AM

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Hello OP,

Sure, a lot of men would view Oral as a hard requirement so your hard limit would make you incompatible to them. But, the scamp in me is wondering - how do you make up for it? I mean, I could give up blowjobs in return for unfettered access to your ass. Compromise is a feature of most relationships.

Whatever it is that caused oral to be a hard limit, I'm sorry if it was a horrible experience. I support Lance's suggestion, but at the end of the day, if you feel that simply avoiding oral works for you then that's your choice to make.

Time does change things though, and you might decide at some time in the future that you do want to process whatever experience it is, or you may decide that you want to explore oral.

In any event, I wish you well.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 5:04:17 AM

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

Even just getting on my knees in front of the man with the intention to TRY gives me a complete melt down... panic attack-hyperventalation the shakes... Kills the scene dead.

quote:

It isn't the position its the idea of what I am about to try and do that dredges up feelings and memories better left burried far far beneath the surface and the reaction I have to them.

The problem is despite how deep you've buried the bad stuff, it's still there. It's most concretely manifesting when you attempt oral, but it's still there and tends to come out in other ways.

I suggest you continue therapy and look for someone with Epytropos's attitude:

quote:

If she has a good reason and is someone special I'm willing to work on it, but in general I insist on the basics from the get-go. I cannot picture the rest of my life without oral, though, so it would have to be a 'let's work through this together' and not a 'we're never approaching the subject.'

For me, BDSM can be cathartic and therapeutic. I find having a safe-word and it being respected when I use it very empowering. I'm noticing that my limits are expanding now that I am with someone I love and trust.

Best of luck to you,

KK

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 11:43:05 AM

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline

I had quite forgotten I had a gag reflex until just that moment, so thanks for that... fuck

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to M4S73R)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 12:39:22 PM

Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
I am unhappy that people wont accept me as I am.

This phrase is always a huge red flag for me. It tells me "I have no impetus toward growth or change. I want to stagnate." - such women are completely unacceptable to me.

As a short-term thing, yes. If she had no urge to deal with her issues responsible for this, then no. A woman whose past limits what she can bring to the table is always going to come out second best compare to an identical woman who has no such limitations.

quote:

I am unhappy that I feel the need to change.

That's a maturity issue. Change is not only positive, it's inevitable.

_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 12:50:17 PM

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
For me, BDSM can be cathartic and therapeutic.

I agree with this completely. I've read several threads saying that people shouldn't go into BDSM relationships unless they have themselves all sorted out, but I really think BDSM can do a great deal of good for people who otherwise might have real trouble moving past certain things.

quote:

I find having a safe-word and it being respected when I use it very empowering.

buuuuuuuut you lost me there lol. I see your point, but I don't know that 'empowering' is a positive verb to describe an action towards a sub, and under most circumstances safe words are a casual-play only thing for me. If a slave can say a word and have me stop what I'm doing, who is ultimately in control? In her case, though, I think a safe word would be a good idea, so we're probably more or less on the same page there.

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to kalikshama)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 12:53:15 PM

Mr4sg

Posts: 99
Joined: 9/2/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
I am unhappy that people wont accept me as I am.
This phrase is always a huge red flag for me. It tells me "I have no impetus toward growth or change. I want to stagnate." - such women are completely unacceptable to me.

As a short-term thing, yes. If she had no urge to deal with her issues responsible for this, then no. A woman whose past limits what she can bring to the table is always going to come out second best compare to an identical woman who has no such limitations.

quote:

I am unhappy that I feel the need to change.
That's a maturity issue. Change is not only positive, it's inevitable.

You two are talking about different sorts of change.

Changing as in growing and evolving as a person is good. Growing wiser with the years, increasing knowledge of self, more understanding of others.
Its a change in terms of becoming more.

Changing as in feeling you are not a whole person and have a big hole inside you, feeling incomplete, that is something different.
Its a change in terms of becoming different.

_____________________________

Don't argue with idiots. It lowers you to their level where they beat you with experience.

(in reply to Awareness)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 1:14:07 PM

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

Ive heard lots of guys complain about their girls not taken care of em. Ehh I never had that problem. If you want to hang with me plan on spending lotsa time taken care of Mister Man.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Mr4sg)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 1:28:40 PM

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
I am unhappy that people wont accept me as I am.
This phrase is always a huge red flag for me. It tells me "I have no impetus toward growth or change. I want to stagnate." - such women are completely unacceptable to me.

As a short-term thing, yes. If she had no urge to deal with her issues responsible for this, then no. A woman whose past limits what she can bring to the table is always going to come out second best compare to an identical woman who has no such limitations.

quote:

I am unhappy that I feel the need to change.
That's a maturity issue. Change is not only positive, it's inevitable.

There is change and then there is CHANGE, I have changed a lot these last few years through school, work, living my life... I have grown and I like who I am as a person. I know I will continue to grow and change. We all do, however, to want to change me at a base level, change something that may not be able to be changed... I can no more make myself six foot tall than I can simply give myself a psyche make over. It isn’t that simple. I don't want a man to be with me just for what he thinks maybe I will one day become I want him to be with me for who I am right now and just enjoy what I may become later, later.

I never said I want to stagnate, in fact if you knew me you would know stagnation is one of my biggest fears. I am one of the most ambitious people you will ever meet constantly reaching for the stars and pushing myself to grow but that doesn’t mean I don't want someone that will take me as I am right now.

If you don't want me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best.

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to Awareness)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 1:29:48 PM

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mr4sg

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
I am unhappy that people wont accept me as I am.
This phrase is always a huge red flag for me. It tells me "I have no impetus toward growth or change. I want to stagnate." - such women are completely unacceptable to me.

As a short-term thing, yes. If she had no urge to deal with her issues responsible for this, then no. A woman whose past limits what she can bring to the table is always going to come out second best compare to an identical woman who has no such limitations.

quote:

I am unhappy that I feel the need to change.
That's a maturity issue. Change is not only positive, it's inevitable.

You two are talking about different sorts of change.

Changing as in growing and evolving as a person is good. Growing wiser with the years, increasing knowledge of self, more understanding of others.
Its a change in terms of becoming more.

Changing as in feeling you are not a whole person and have a big hole inside you, feeling incomplete, that is something different.
Its a change in terms of becoming different.

THIS!!

Thank you Mr4sg, you just explained it much better than I.

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to Mr4sg)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 1:30:24 PM

Posts: 47
Joined: 7/26/2010
From: Chicago
Status: offline

Not a Domme but here are my .02...

I have been with many men that don't mind my inability to give a blowjob so long as I will perform in other ways. I have even been with Dom's who are cool with it.

I have TMJ and lockjaw so giving a satisfactory blowjob is pretty much out of the question. I can only go for so long before my jaw hurts so bad that I cant enjoy or relax for anything else. So I have learned to master an awesome handjob instead.

I am always clear up front that I cant get a guy off on a bj unless he is ready to explode soon after I latch on.

(in reply to SailingBum)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 2:23:04 PM

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: oneluckysub

Not a Domme but here are my .02...

I have been with many men that don't mind my inability to give a blowjob so long as I will perform in other ways. I have even been with Dom's who are cool with it.

I have TMJ and lockjaw so giving a satisfactory blowjob is pretty much out of the question. I can only go for so long before my jaw hurts so bad that I cant enjoy or relax for anything else. So I have learned to master an awesome handjob instead.

I am always clear up front that I cant get a guy off on a bj unless he is ready to explode soon after I latch on.

I was actually diagnosed with TMJ last year (sevear facial pain, neck aches sore upper jaw, reduced mobility and clicking, all do to stress and subsaquent clenching of my teeth.) This isn't the reason I feel unable to give a bj, I never really thought about and if it would make me unable as it wasn't anything I was able to do to begin with but now that you say it... just fuck... even if I was able to work on the emotional reason behind it, I may not actually physically be able to do it X_x lets just throw another wrench in the system why don't we?

< Message edited by MagiksSlave -- 9/12/2011 2:25:12 PM >

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to oneluckysub)

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 5 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Not a sucker

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 5 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.117