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RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 2:56:49 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline 		 
Inexpensive Therapy ---> http://www.bachelorette.com/ralo.html

(Just kidding.   Not makin' light of your feelings, just having a bit of fun. )



_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 2:58:12 PM   
Cha5te5lave


Posts: 5
Joined: 8/9/2011
Status: offline 		Certainly, any physical or emotional issues that impact on your play or service should be discussed prior to starting to play /serve. Like if you have a heart condition or back trouble, for example. An emotional difficulty is just as real and important to address with any prospective dom/me as anything else. It doesn't make you less of a sub or slave because you're physically or emotionally unable to do something. But you do need to discuss it as an issue.

_____________________________

Do not repent the past
nor brood over the future;
live in the present
and be radiant. The Buddha.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 3:09:43 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

 
Inexpensive Therapy ---> http://www.bachelorette.com/ralo.html

(Just kidding.   Not makin' light of your feelings, just having a bit of fun. )




I have a very well developed sense of humor and found that very entertaining LOL it did make me smile and I know you weren't making fun so thanks for the laugh :D If I thought it was worth $5 I'd even order one!

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to MasterSlaveLA)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 4:10:44 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

That's a maturity issue.  Change is not only positive, it's inevitable.


Well no, it's not when change is forced upon you and nor is change always positive.

Not saying that's the case with the OP's circumstances because I wouldn't know; just that your interpretation of "change" is waaaay too generalised and just plain wrong. 'Cept maybe for the 'inevitable' part....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Awareness)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 5:51:00 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I find having a safe-word and it being respected when I use it very empowering.


quote:

buuuuuuuut you lost me there lol. I see your point, but I don't know that 'empowering' is a positive verb to describe an action towards a sub, and under most circumstances safe words are a casual-play only thing for me. If a slave can say a word and have me stop what I'm doing, who is ultimately in control? In her case, though, I think a safe word would be a good idea, so we're probably more or less on the same page there.


In this case I was thinking of a specific incident in which the man was abusive. I went through a whole gamut of emotions afterwards -
- Initially, I felt like a rape victim.
- Next, I was angry at myself for getting into the situation in the first place and then not calling Stop earlier.
- I had a few revenge fantasies.
- Eventually, I focused on the point where I said stop and he STOPPED - which is not the case during child abuse or rape - and felt empowered.

I didn't actually use a safe word in this case - I said, "I need to stop." But subsequently, during the rare occasions where I safe word, this reaffirms that what we are doing is consensual, which from time to time is important to me. (Most of the time I like the illusion of non-consent.)

(in reply to Epytropos)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 7:36:22 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

If you don't want me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best.



Now that's a great quote. I nominate it for the Sunny QOTD.

OP, stick to your guns. There ARE men who say 'meh' to oral...my partner is one of them (and not just because he's submissive.) He really would prefer not to receive this. On the other hand, loves to give it (which is ironic because I also say 'meh' to receiving oral though enjoy giving it to someone I care about.)

Another thought: so much of what people are/aren't willing to do with each other depends on the connection made by the people themselves. So if you meet and get to know someone who really floats your boat in every other way, who's to say sometime down the road you may wake up one morning and think, "Ya know, I'm OK with this today. Wake up my liege lord, there's been a change of plans."

Or not. Either way, if it's OK for you, it's OK as it ever needs to be. Let the pressure off yourself and spend your energy on what you enjoy both in the lifestyle and out of it.


< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 9/12/2011 7:39:00 PM >

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Not a sucker - 9/12/2011 8:13:20 PM   
RexDarcy


Posts: 597
Joined: 6/23/2010
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		Magick, if performing oral is a hard limit of yours, thats just the way it is. Don't change unless its something you want to do.

If you want to work past your thing with oral, an understanding Dom will, or at least should be willing to work with you on that.

_____________________________

"Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding."

"I am who I am today because of choices I made yesterday."

"To bring the pieces back together - rediscover communication."

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Not a sucker - 9/13/2011 12:13:42 AM   
Mr4sg


Posts: 99
Joined: 9/2/2011
Status: offline 		Perfect subs are boring. All perfect people are.


_____________________________

Don't argue with idiots. It lowers you to their level where they beat you with experience.

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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Not a sucker - 9/13/2011 12:41:03 AM   
NocturnalStalker


Posts: 3858
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave


quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

Thanks for being brave enough to give us enough info to figure it out.

I have a parallel.  When I'm about to spank (or flog) an ass, I always inquire as to whether that's okay.  I'll say "Sometimes people have had a bad experience getting hit on the ass.  How about you?"  If they stiffen -regardless of their answer, we might talk, or I might not flog their ass, or something appropriate.

I keep in mind "I'm your top, not your psych."

That all said, I hate, absolutely HATE to suggest this:  Have you thought about psychiatric help?  Was there any at the time or have you borne this horror by yourself for so long?  I don't need the answer - just want you to think that through.

I'm getting the feeling that you would like to accomodate your gentlemen friends, but since you can't, you are unhappy about your reaction to them and YOURSELF.  And that is where a psych can help - make you less unhappy about the situation.  Maybe even alleviate your suffering.  I do not know, but I can tell you this: you sound unhappy with the current situation.


I am unhappy that people wont accept me as I am. I am unhappy that I feel the need to change.

I do see a therapist and I see nothing wrong with you suggesting it, it is a sound idea.


I think anybody with any hint of maturity in their being would be able to get over the temporary disappointment of not having oral sex performed on them and be fine with the many other acts that could be presented.

You have an issue that really isn't crippling to the point of needing to see professional help.  If your relationship is in jeopardy due to that then you have a lot of others problems to be concerned about with your partner. 


_____________________________

"The road I walk is paved in gold to glorify my platinum soul."

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Not a sucker - 9/13/2011 6:05:42 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

I was actually diagnosed with TMJ last year (sevear facial pain, neck aches sore upper jaw, reduced mobility and clicking, all do to stress and subsaquent clenching of my teeth.) This isn't the reason I feel unable to give a bj, I never really thought about and if it would make me unable as it wasn't anything I was able to do to begin with but now that you say it... just fuck... even if I was able to work on the emotional reason behind it, I may not actually physically be able to do it X_x lets just throw another wrench in the system why don't we?


I think this "clenching of teeth" would accelerate my compassion and understanding at quite a rate of knots.... We'd certainly have great syncrosity in the stress department.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Not a sucker - 9/13/2011 11:29:32 AM   
Awareness


Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline 		  They're the same.  Growth, progression, constant striving to be more than we are.

_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to Mr4sg)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Not a sucker - 9/13/2011 11:37:48 AM   
Awareness


Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
I don't want a man to be with me just for what he thinks maybe I will one day become I want him to be with me for who I am right now and just enjoy what I may become later, later.
  When you're bringing less to the table because of past issues, that's baggage.  Dealing with your baggage is your responsibility.  If you have no commitment to dealing with that and expect a dude to be cool with that, then you're aiming for a guy without standards.

It's not like you're the plump girl in school the guy's hooking up with because he thinks he can turn you into a supermodel.  Oral is a pretty fundamental part of sex.  I wouldn't bother with a sub that said "no oral, but maybe one day in the future" - fuck that.  That's gameplaying around one of the fundamentals of a sexual interaction.  It's your past, your issues, you should already have the commitment in place to deal with it - none of this crap around "see what happens".

quote:

I never said I want to stagnate, in fact if you knew me you would know stagnation is one of my biggest fears. I am one of the most ambitious people you will ever meet constantly reaching for the stars and pushing myself to grow but that doesn’t mean I don't want someone that will take me as I am right now.
  You're prepared to stagnate on this issue and expect a Dom to tolerate that.  No Dom worth his socks actually will.  Progress is expected and demanded.

quote:

If you don't want me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best.
  First off, you're not Marilyn Monroe.  Second - you're damn right I don't.  I expect your best.  I'm not going to enter into an interaction with someone whereby they make excuses for not bringing their A game to the table.

_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Not a sucker - 9/13/2011 12:40:18 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
I don't want a man to be with me just for what he thinks maybe I will one day become I want him to be with me for who I am right now and just enjoy what I may become later, later.
  When you're bringing less to the table because of past issues, that's baggage.  Dealing with your baggage is your responsibility.  If you have no commitment to dealing with that and expect a dude to be cool with that, then you're aiming for a guy without standards.

It's not like you're the plump girl in school the guy's hooking up with because he thinks he can turn you into a supermodel.  Oral is a pretty fundamental part of sex.  I wouldn't bother with a sub that said "no oral, but maybe one day in the future" - fuck that.  That's gameplaying around one of the fundamentals of a sexual interaction.  It's your past, your issues, you should already have the commitment in place to deal with it - none of this crap around "see what happens".

quote:

I never said I want to stagnate, in fact if you knew me you would know stagnation is one of my biggest fears. I am one of the most ambitious people you will ever meet constantly reaching for the stars and pushing myself to grow but that doesn’t mean I don't want someone that will take me as I am right now.
  You're prepared to stagnate on this issue and expect a Dom to tolerate that.  No Dom worth his socks actually will.  Progress is expected and demanded.

quote:

If you don't want me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best.
  First off, you're not Marilyn Monroe.  Second - you're damn right I don't.  I expect your best.  I'm not going to enter into an interaction with someone whereby they make excuses for not bringing their A game to the table.


I disagree, why are my hard limits any less valid than someone elses just because mine are routed in past abuse? Someone here said it and they were right, a hard limit is a hard limit period end of story.

This is part of an issue I have been working on getting over my entire adult life but sometimes you have to see that some things are too painful emotionaly to simply solve. That doesnt mean you dont continue to work on them and it also doesnt mean that even if you continue to work on them that you will succeed in fixing it all.

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to Awareness)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Not a sucker - 9/13/2011 1:01:41 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness


It's not like you're the plump girl in school the guy's hooking up with because he thinks he can turn you into a supermodel.  Oral is a pretty fundamental part of sex.  I wouldn't bother with a sub that said "no oral, but maybe one day in the future" - fuck that.  That's gameplaying around one of the fundamentals of a sexual interaction.  It's your past, your issues, you should already have the commitment in place to deal with it - none of this crap around "see what happens".

First off, you're not Marilyn Monroe.  Second - you're damn right I don't.  I expect your best.  I'm not going to enter into an interaction with someone whereby they make excuses for not bringing their A game to the table.


Completely disagree with you. She's said multiple times that she's trying to work on her issues and remember, she does go to therapy to deal with this. There isn't much more she can do except to keep working away at it and it seems that she is. Yes, sometimes people can use the concept of having issues as a protective shell around themselves so they never actually work on the problems - I really don't think that's the case here.

(in reply to Awareness)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Not a sucker - 9/13/2011 1:25:13 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

Is it a must? Is the girl less subly if she won’t suck you? What if the hard limit is there for a good reason? Do you work on it with her or do you let it be? If you take the girl on in hopes of being able to work with her enough to be able to but it turns out she may never be able to do you stay with her or do you leave?

I am wondering if this is a strange limit for someone who identifies as sub/bottom whatever, to have?

Have any of you ever delt with a sub that wouldn't?




Replace your oral with anal.

Began as a big fear, still causes me to youch, cry and snot-snivvle-gulp but it was never allowed as a limit, hard or otherwise.

What matters to M is that I don't withold anything and that means the things I don't want to do..... .for WHATEVER reason.

He's not that focussed on his cock that he'd wither without a bj or even anal but he certainly wouldn't have this relationship with me if I limited him by my own hand.He will not be limited by me.

In answer to your question, no it's not at all strange, it's just a *thing*. Plenty of people have a *thing*. It doesn't actually matter one fuck whether it's *subly/bottomly*. The only thing that matters is whether the person in your sights has a bother with it.

agirl






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See how easy it can be?

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Not a sucker - 9/13/2011 1:44:16 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I was actually diagnosed with TMJ last year (sevear facial pain, neck aches sore upper jaw, reduced mobility and clicking, all do to stress and subsaquent clenching of my teeth.) This isn't the reason I feel unable to give a bj, I never really thought about and if it would make me unable as it wasn't anything I was able to do to begin with but now that you say it... just fuck... even if I was able to work on the emotional reason behind it, I may not actually physically be able to do it X_x lets just throw another wrench in the system why don't we?


Isn't the mind-body connection fascinating? Perhaps you would find Caroline Myss's "Why People Don't Heal and How They Can" helpful. I didn't relate so much in the first section but found it very interesting, and the second section quite helpful.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Not a sucker - 9/13/2011 1:46:36 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

When you're bringing less to the table because of past issues, that's baggage to me.  Dealing with your baggage is your responsibility in my opinion.  If you have no commitment to dealing with that and expect a dude to be cool with that, then you're aiming for a guy without standards in my opinion.

Oral is a pretty fundamental part of sex for me.  I wouldn't bother with a sub that said "no oral, but maybe one day in the future" - fuck that.  That's gameplaying around one of the fundamentals of a sexual interaction for me. 

You're prepared to stagnate in my opinion on this issue and expect a Dom (me) to tolerate that.  No Dom meaning me worth his socks actually will in my opinion.  Progress is expected and demanded by me.

First off, you're not Marilyn Monroe to me.  Second - you're damn right I don't.  I expect your best.  I'm not going to enter into an interaction with someone whereby they make excuses for not bringing their A game as defined by ME to the table.


Edited in red to make you somewhat palatable, Awareness, and to bring your ahem...awareness...back into focus where it belongs. You're not the be all and end all of male dominants in my opinion so don't attempt to make blanket statements for every male dominant out there. It's pretty obvious MagiksSlave is doing all she can to put her 'A' game out there...what are you doing?

(in reply to Awareness)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Not a sucker - 9/13/2011 1:46:43 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

I was actually diagnosed with TMJ last year (sevear facial pain, neck aches sore upper jaw, reduced mobility and clicking, all do to stress and subsaquent clenching of my teeth.) This isn't the reason I feel unable to give a bj, I never really thought about and if it would make me unable as it wasn't anything I was able to do to begin with but now that you say it... just fuck... even if I was able to work on the emotional reason behind it, I may not actually physically be able to do it X_x lets just throw another wrench in the system why don't we?


I think this "clenching of teeth" would accelerate my compassion and understanding at quite a rate of knots.... We'd certainly have great syncrosity in the stress department.

Focus.



LOL Yes I think this is a very good reason for any man to want to leave this limit alone... I never really thought about it... "Sure Ill give you a BJ.... oh by the way I have a bad habit of clenching my teeth, I can't really control it..."

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Not a sucker - 9/13/2011 1:53:30 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt


quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

When you're bringing less to the table because of past issues, that's baggage to me.  Dealing with your baggage is your responsibility in my opinion.  If you have no commitment to dealing with that and expect a dude to be cool with that, then you're aiming for a guy without standards in my opinion.

Oral is a pretty fundamental part of sex for me.  I wouldn't bother with a sub that said "no oral, but maybe one day in the future" - fuck that.  That's gameplaying around one of the fundamentals of a sexual interaction for me. 

You're prepared to stagnate in my opinion on this issue and expect a Dom (me) to tolerate that.  No Dom meaning me worth his socks actually will in my opinion.  Progress is expected and demanded by me.

First off, you're not Marilyn Monroe to me.  Second - you're damn right I don't.  I expect your best.  I'm not going to enter into an interaction with someone whereby they make excuses for not bringing their A game as defined by ME to the table.


Edited in red to make you somewhat palatable, Awareness, and to bring your ahem...awareness...back into focus where it belongs. You're not the be all and end all of male dominants in my opinion so don't attempt to make blanket statements for every male dominant out there. It's pretty obvious MagiksSlave is doing all she can to put her 'A' game out there...what are you doing?



Thank you very much MistressDarkArt!

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Not a sucker - 9/13/2011 3:58:46 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt


quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

When you're bringing less to the table because of past issues, that's baggage to me.  Dealing with your baggage is your responsibility in my opinion.  If you have no commitment to dealing with that and expect a dude to be cool with that, then you're aiming for a guy without standards in my opinion.

Oral is a pretty fundamental part of sex for me.  I wouldn't bother with a sub that said "no oral, but maybe one day in the future" - fuck that.  That's gameplaying around one of the fundamentals of a sexual interaction for me. 

You're prepared to stagnate in my opinion on this issue and expect a Dom (me) to tolerate that.  No Dom meaning me worth his socks actually will in my opinion.  Progress is expected and demanded by me.

First off, you're not Marilyn Monroe to me.  Second - you're damn right I don't.  I expect your best.  I'm not going to enter into an interaction with someone whereby they make excuses for not bringing their A game as defined by ME to the table.


Edited in red to make you somewhat palatable, Awareness, and to bring your ahem...awareness...back into focus where it belongs. You're not the be all and end all of male dominants in my opinion so don't attempt to make blanket statements for every male dominant out there. It's pretty obvious MagiksSlave is doing all she can to put her 'A' game out there...what are you doing?



I think it's clear that Awareness's thoughts are his own and his opinions are too? ..with or without the red pen.

agirl








_____________________________

See how easy it can be?

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 60
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