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RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 9:58:14 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fragilepieces

There should be no excuses---I mean it's one thing if it's a physical thing but quite another if it is really possible to over come it.

And why is a physical disability okay but an emotional or mental one not? Panic attacks are real, PTSD is real yet you seem to think that it isn't. Care to share why not?

Plus when do you say it isn't possible to overcome it? The OP has had years of therapy and has not been able to overcome it. Now she's got TMJ on top of that.

Why should she spend the rest of her life focused on this one thing she can't do instead of trying to do things that she can?

When do you say enough and move on, accepting that this isn't something you can do.
Five years of therapy?
Thirty?
Never?
And how did you come to decide you would spend exactly 12 years and seven months but no more? The number was pulled out of the air, but I'm sure you get my point. The 12 years wasted on something she never can get past could have been spent more productively. Learning to cook, or belly dance, or doing basic household repairs. Hell, 12 years part time is more than enough to get a college degree or a master's. Is a blow job really the be-all and end-all of things, more important than any other skill?

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 9/16/2011 10:00:31 AM >

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RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 10:31:42 AM

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quote:

Is a blow job really the be-all and end-all of things, more important than any other skill?

Why not? Is it any less important than other skills? You have an absolute minimum set of attributes you require of a partner, why can't somebody else?

There seems to be two schools of thought here.
1) A dominant wants what he wants and shouldn't be expected to settle for less.
and
2)A dominant should give up what he wants for somebody who is otherwise well suited.

I thought the whole idea behind this stuff was that the Dominant sets the rules, and if a sub isn't willing to live by those rules then they aren't compatible. You are saying that because of the somewhat tragic circumstances behind her inability to suck, it should be overlooked and any potential Dom who isn't willing to take her on because he wants blow jobs is shallow. To me it is you that is being somewhat shallow.

Look at it another light, rather than being about a potential sub who won't suck cock, rephrase the OP's question by replacing "blow jobs" with "floggings". Would you still be calling a sadist shallow for not wanting to take on a sub who didn't want to be flogged/beaten/whipped, or whatever? Should a hard core masochist get involved with somebody who doesn't do pain? Would a loving adoring daddy dom be a good match for somebody into heavy humiliation and objectification?

If a sub can have requirements, then surely a dominant can as well, right? And if one of the dominant's requirements is "blow jobs", how is that any less valid then the OP's "no blow jobs" requirement. A requirement is a requirement, regardless of the basis of that requirement.

And don't bother getting into that ridiculous "what if she was in an accident" argument. It has nothing to do with the OP's situation. Obviously one will accept a lot more inconvenience from an existing relationship that has been altered by some tragic circumstance than from a relationship that doesn't even exist yet.

< Message edited by SuzeCheri -- 9/16/2011 10:32:59 AM >

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 10:42:37 AM

Kana

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SuzeCheri
I thought the whole idea behind this stuff was that the Dominant sets the rules, and if a sub isn't willing to live by those rules then they aren't compatible.

Out of the mouth of babes (literally-rrreeeeooow)

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(in reply to SuzeCheri)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 10:53:56 AM

Mr4sg

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SuzeCheri

quote:

Is a blow job really the be-all and end-all of things, more important than any other skill?
Why not? Is it any less important than other skills? You have an absolute minimum set of attributes you require of a partner, why can't somebody else?

There seems to be two schools of thought here.
1) A dominant wants what he wants and shouldn't be expected to settle for less.
and
2)A dominant should give up what he wants for somebody who is otherwise well suited.

Actually that is not correct in formulation

Schools of thought would be:
1) Sex matters and dominant should get what dominant wants
2) Sex matters and dominant accepts a hard limit on blowjobs
3) Sex is fun but is not the primary concern; a hard limit on blowjobs isnt a big deal.

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RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 10:57:32 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

quote:

ORIGINAL: SuzeCheri
I thought the whole idea behind this stuff was that the Dominant sets the rules, and if a sub isn't willing to live by those rules then they aren't compatible.

Out of the mouth of babes (literally-rrreeeeooow)

Ya.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 12:28:50 PM

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mr4sg

quote:

ORIGINAL: SuzeCheri

quote:

Is a blow job really the be-all and end-all of things, more important than any other skill?
Why not? Is it any less important than other skills? You have an absolute minimum set of attributes you require of a partner, why can't somebody else?

There seems to be two schools of thought here.
1) A dominant wants what he wants and shouldn't be expected to settle for less.
and
2)A dominant should give up what he wants for somebody who is otherwise well suited.

Actually that is not correct in formulation

Schools of thought would be:
1) Sex matters and dominant should get what dominant wants
2) Sex matters and dominant accepts a hard limit on blowjobs
3) Sex is fun but is not the primary concern; a hard limit on blowjobs isnt a big deal.

yep, IMNSHO

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(in reply to Mr4sg)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 2:50:21 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: fragilepieces

There should be no excuses---I mean it's one thing if it's a physical thing but quite another if it is really possible to over come it.

And why is a physical disability okay but an emotional or mental one not? Panic attacks are real, PTSD is real yet you seem to think that it isn't. Care to share why not?

Plus when do you say it isn't possible to overcome it? The OP has had years of therapy and has not been able to overcome it. Now she's got TMJ on top of that.

Why should she spend the rest of her life focused on this one thing she can't do instead of trying to do things that she can?

When do you say enough and move on, accepting that this isn't something you can do.
Five years of therapy?
Thirty?
Never?
And how did you come to decide you would spend exactly 12 years and seven months but no more? The number was pulled out of the air, but I'm sure you get my point. The 12 years wasted on something she never can get past could have been spent more productively. Learning to cook, or belly dance, or doing basic household repairs. Hell, 12 years part time is more than enough to get a college degree or a master's. Is a blow job really the be-all and end-all of things, more important than any other skill?

7 years, I have been working on it over 7 years...

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 3:38:27 PM

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Re-read what I wrote. I think you missed my point.

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RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 3:53:02 PM

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Joined: 9/8/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
7 years, I have been working on it over 7 years...

I think my primary point is that it's a symptom of something which still has a hold on you. Something which gets in between you and your Dom. Nobody can fault you for doing your best to recover from something heinous.

Without wanting to ramble about on about something I have no direct experience of, I believe that there's a key to the healing of every individual. Nothing so broad as a form of therapy, I conceptualise it as an idea, a viewpoint, a way of looking at the past and robbing memory of the power it has over us. For some, it's the realisation that they're in a warm, happy, safe relationship and those things are a dead echo of a past long gone. For others, the refusal to let a despicable human being from their past hold their future hostage - they get angry and take back everything that was stolen from them.

Time allows you to try more things, but I don't believe that time is the solution. Inside every mind is an answer which will free it from the shackles of the past. And while some might consider that naive, I prefer to think of it that way for the simple reason that it allows the possibility of hope.

What I see with you, is that you're evaluating such things as a measure of your worth and whether you can hope to measure up to what is desired. I would suggest that's the wrong approach - focus on restoring your self-worth and self-belief because that is the path to the future you want. Focus on how you feel about yourself, not how Doms feel about you. Because like it or not, it's an essential truth - as much as anything can be true - that we attract those people which match our self-belief. We attract those who match our essential idea of our own value.

So. Go outside, feel the sun on your face, laugh, find joy wherever you can and turn aside from anything which causes you to question your self-worth. Focus on that which restores your sense of self. Dialogue on these boards can be useful, but it's a poor substitute for positive interactions with real human beings.

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RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 3:58:08 PM

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DesFIP---Please go back and read my entire post---and read the one prior to it because frankly I have no idea what in the world you are talking about.

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 3:58:51 PM

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I'm not your therapist and I don't know how you react to things but here's just something that has always helped me with trauma caused by others....

by having this issue and it causing problems in your love life, have you ever stopped to think that by not overcoming this you are still continuing to give power to the person who did this to you? By kicking your issue to the curb you could get on with your life and smile and say:

"fuck you <whoever>....you are not going to rule my life and I'm going to have a happy, joyous, satisfying life with <new guy> and I'm going to enjoy every minute of it despite what you did to me".

It's just something that might work for you. At least it's something to try if you've already been trying other things for 7 years and it's not working.

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RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 4:06:32 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I'm not your therapist and I don't know how you react to things but here's just something that has always helped me with trauma caused by others....

by having this issue and it causing problems in your love life, have you ever stopped to think that by not overcoming this you are still continuing to give power to the person who did this to you? By kicking your issue to the curb you could get on with your life and smile and say:

"fuck you <whoever>....you are not going to rule my life and I'm going to have a happy, joyous, satisfying life with <new guy> and I'm going to enjoy every minute of it despite what you did to me".

It's just something that might work for you. At least it's something to try if you've already been trying other things for 7 years and it's not working.

That is exactly how I got through mine as I stated previously. You are a little wonder!!!!

< Message edited by fragilepieces -- 9/16/2011 4:11:16 PM >

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 5:23:14 PM

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I'm not your therapist and I don't know how you react to things but here's just something that has always helped me with trauma caused by others....

by having this issue and it causing problems in your love life, have you ever stopped to think that by not overcoming this you are still continuing to give power to the person who did this to you? By kicking your issue to the curb you could get on with your life and smile and say:

"fuck you <whoever>....you are not going to rule my life and I'm going to have a happy, joyous, satisfying life with <new guy> and I'm going to enjoy every minute of it despite what you did to me".

It's just something that might work for you. At least it's something to try if you've already been trying other things for 7 years and it's not working.

This is why I am so angry about some of the hang ups I have because they just show he is still hurting me long after and I can't stand that. I have gotten over MANY of the hang ups, some were easier than others but still some remian. I can't think that is would be easy to erase nearly 15 years in just 7 but I do try.

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 5:41:16 PM

Arpig

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quote:

because frankly I have no idea what in the world you are talking about.

Neither does she most of the time.

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RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 5:49:35 PM

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Magik---you have probably heard this a zillion times but remember---the abuse it over---the emotional pain may still exist but HE CAN'T HURT YOU NOW.

I've been in therapy 11 yrs now---it does get easier but for me therapy will probably be on going for the rest of my life just less often than it was in the beginning.

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RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 6:07:13 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

because frankly I have no idea what in the world you are talking about.
Neither does she most of the time.

I resent that!

I do to always know what I am talking about! I don't always make sense but I always know what it is I am trying to say even if no one else does! LOL

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to Arpig)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 6:12:17 PM

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Joined: 9/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: fragilepieces

Magik---you have probably heard this a zillion times but remember---the abuse it over---the emotional pain may still exist but HE CAN'T HURT YOU NOW.

I've been in therapy 11 yrs now---it does get easier but for me therapy will probably be on going for the rest of my life just less often than it was in the beginning.

I AM trying I really am!

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to fragilepieces)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 6:25:25 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
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It wasn't you I was referring to.

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Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

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RE: Not a sucker - 9/16/2011 7:53:55 PM

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Joined: 9/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

It wasn't you I was referring to.

Ah ok then!

< Message edited by MagiksSlave -- 9/16/2011 7:56:25 PM >

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to Arpig)

RE: Not a sucker - 9/17/2011 12:10:35 AM

NocturnalStalker

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Even if it causes her excruciating jaw pain from TMJ?
If you were in a good relationship and she got hit by a car, and developed jaw problems that prohibited bjs, would you then end the relationship based solely on her inability to any longer do this?

I don't think anyone has a problem with someone saying that oral sex is a large part of their sex life and that they wouldn't want to enter into a relationship where they could not be sexually satisfied, but being tossed out if you no longer can do it doesn't paint you in a very good light.

To play Devil's Advocate, what if part of what makes your relationship so wonderful is because of the great intimacy you and the other person have? It really enhances the mood, so to speak. If that were unable to be done like it was before due to accident, is it really an obligation for the other to be in a relationship that is lacking a key component? Would it be selfish for the one not in the accident to kick the other to curb or would it be selfish for the afflicted to latch onto the other while they feel in a cornered situation of risking to dump this person and being seen as shallow/one-dimensional?

Sexual acts is what a romantic relationship has and to be denied of it is really restricting and can be viewed as unfair.

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