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Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 10:03:46 AM

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Yesterday was not a good day.....which has left me pondering a few questions (and about getting the fuck out of it). Such as does being a Dom mean you don't have to say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong"? Does it also mean that he can twist something around to the point of it being an outright lie ok because he is the Dom? And because he is a Dom, the sub cannot call him on it because that would be crossing a boundary or showing disrespect? Is making a sub feel like shit one of the Dom's prerogatives? Does the Dom make the man or does the man make the Dom?

And above all, is a certain low level of fear of the Dom keep the respect where it needs to be?

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 10:08:04 AM

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What do you think?

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 10:10:27 AM

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i think i question some integrity Lockit

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 10:14:28 AM

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That is what matters then.

I say I am sorry whenever I need to. If I can't respect myself, respect my partner and our relationship... what about me is there to respect?

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 10:20:31 AM

stef

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

Yesterday was not a good day.....which has left me pondering a few questions (and about getting the fuck out of it). Such as does being a Dom mean you don't have to say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong"? Does it also mean that he can twist something around to the point of it being an outright lie ok because he is the Dom? And because he is a Dom, the sub cannot call him on it because that would be crossing a boundary or showing disrespect? Is making a sub feel like shit one of the Dom's prerogatives? Does the Dom make the man or does the man make the Dom?

None of that has anything to do with whether he's a dom or not. Some doms are clueless assholes, he appears to be one of them.

quote:

And above all, is a certain low level of fear of the Dom keep the respect where it needs to be?

I've never respected anyone out of fear.

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 10:21:46 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I say I am sorry whenever I need to.

Which would be very subjective. Maybe he felt he didn't need to.....me, i'm still picking that one apart.

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 10:22:16 AM

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I'm gonna channel Lance here: " advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer" (or close enough...)

*hugs*

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 10:22:30 AM

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anniezz, I'm sorry but the very nature of how you asked the question shows that you are less than objective here.

I'm a Dom, and I say I'm sorry when I feel it's appropriate. Note that there are also times when I don't feel it appropriate and someone else does, and I don't say it then.

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 10:26:17 AM

searching4mysir

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

Yesterday was not a good day.....which has left me pondering a few questions (and about getting the fuck out of it). Such as does being a Dom mean you don't have to say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong"? Does it also mean that he can twist something around to the point of it being an outright lie ok because he is the Dom? And because he is a Dom, the sub cannot call him on it because that would be crossing a boundary or showing disrespect? Is making a sub feel like shit one of the Dom's prerogatives? Does the Dom make the man or does the man make the Dom?

And above all, is a certain low level of fear of the Dom keep the respect where it needs to be?

I think this might depend on the dynamic between the sub and Dom. I don't fear my Master. At. All. If I feared him, then I couldn't trust him, and if I can't trust him I can't respect him. For me, it is all tied together. Trust is EVERYTHING. If he is twisting something and turns it into a lie, I can't trust him.

I'm not into humiliation so making me feel like shit isn't on the table of acceptable practices.

For me, the man makes the Dom. I'm literally putting my life in his hands. If I can't trust him to be safe with me, mind, body and soul, then why am I with him?

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 10:26:52 AM

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I can only answer this from my own perspective and forgive me if I "break this down" a bit ...

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

Yesterday was not a good day.....which has left me pondering a few questions (and about getting the fuck out of it). Such as does being a Dom mean you don't have to say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong"?

Not to me it doesn't. I make mistakes; hopefully not many but, if and when I do, my partner needs to know that I am humble enough to recognize it. There are always going to be issues where she thinks I've made a mistake and I don't but, when I know or have been shown I'm wrong I need to own that.

There's a few reasons but the most important is: trust. She needs to be able to trust my judgement as well as my behavior and comportment.

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

Does it also mean that he can twist something around to the point of it being an outright lie ok because he is the Dom?

Dominant ... submissive ... butcher ... baker ... lying is NEVER "okay". That is all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

And because he is a Dom, the sub cannot call him on it because that would be crossing a boundary or showing disrespect?

It is my lady's job; she is obliged to help me be a better person. Of course, this should always be done in a respectful manner but for her to not "call me on my shit" doesn't serve me at all. Of course, "Daddy, I think you might have been a little out of line with the mechanic at the shop" is a little different than: "See? You act like an asshole, when he tells you what the car needs."

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

Is making a sub feel like shit one of the Dom's prerogatives?

I guess some would argue that it is. I would say that as a human being, it's my right to treat anybody any way I feel. As my lady, it's her right to decide that she doesn't wish to serve me anymore. Submissives always have that choice.

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

Does the Dom make the man or does the man make the Dom?

This part, I don't like. I think "dominant" or "submissive" is a label to give others a "quick snippet" kind of view of who we are as a person. I guess one could say that the kind of person I am makes me a dominant but, I think it could be also said that because I hold a certain regard for this lifestyle, being a dominant has some affect upon what kind of man I am. But, the long and short of it (for me) is that we are - all of us - dominant, submissive, or switch. It's at the core of our being.

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

And above all, is a certain low level of fear of the Dom keep the respect where it needs to be?

"Fear" is another word that I truly don't like but, in this instance, the only "fear" that I think should ever come into play as far as how people maneuver their way through the relationship is the "fear" that one might lose their partner. That's always a "fear". I don't think it should ever be put out there as a spoken threat but, let's face it: If I fail to keep my lady happy, she might just leave.

I hope some of this helped and I think you'll find that there will be lots of people weighing in on this so, you will have a myriad of ideas from which to choose.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 10:46:05 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I say I am sorry whenever I need to.

Which would be very subjective. Maybe he felt he didn't need to.....me, i'm still picking that one apart.

I did consider that you might be picking it apart, but bottom line... he knows you... you need to be talking to him and clearing it up.... but you are left not respecting him and questioning a lot of things... so something broke down and someone needs some adjustment. I would figure... it my job to make sure things got sorted out and I am not clueless when it comes to knowing something didn't sit well with someone. That too is part of knowing my partner and keeping them with both of us happy.

I wouldn't be happy with my partner not being happy about something and going to others before they did me. Something would be seriously wrong with that and I would want it cleared up. Its now getting real complicated don't you think? Get it resolved... Good luck.

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 10:49:24 AM

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If I step in it, I apologize. I do some stuff though, that is just ME and it might not be great for those on the receiving end. Not lying/cheating/stealing, but less than lovely personality traits.

Fear play is fun... someone fearing me all the time? Not.

It's your relationship, and I think you knew the responses you would get here. Speak up, graciously, and do what you have to.

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 11:00:38 AM

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thanks all....yes, i know, this was very subjective and i knew some of the responses i would receive. We are at a stalemate right now, as it was discussed with no animosity and with respect, just tense. Maybe a cool down/time out is in order. I'm sure that happens at times with everyone.

Transitioning into this lifestyle can, at best, be confusing at times. This is one of them.

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 11:23:57 AM

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I'd NEVER have a Dom like that, and if I ever accidently did, I'd put him on the truck so fast it would make his head spin! Off to Killer's you go, Doodie Head Dom!

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 11:44:08 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

thanks all....yes, i know, this was very subjective and i knew some of the responses i would receive. We are at a stalemate right now, as it was discussed with no animosity and with respect, just tense. Maybe a cool down/time out is in order. I'm sure that happens at times with everyone.

Transitioning into this lifestyle can, at best, be confusing at times. This is one of them.

A cool down might be the best thing- it gives perspective. I've been utterly convinced I was right and been pissed about it, and then realized later on that wasn't exactly how things went down and changed my mind on my stance. Plus, sometimes you ARE right and the other person IS wrong, but you realize that it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things when you get some distance from it.

A Dominant person has traits that can be a bit on the arrogant side, it comes with the territory. It's not shocking that he isn't seeing things how you see them, and isn't maybe interested in being wrong or apologizing. I figure if I seek people out that have certain personalities then I have to accept to a degree what that personality type brings with it into the picture. It's like being surprised that the athletic type of person wants to spend time being active instead of watching movies. It's something I have to remind myself of every so often when I get ticked that my Dom is acting like he runs things....oh that's right, he is. Duh on me.

If your guy crossed into territory however where you are having issues then that's different. No one gets a free pass on apologizing just because. You need to respect him, if he's not worthy of your respect then things are going to go downhill. I guess its up to you after some reflection how serious this was to you and how he handled it affected you.

(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 11:52:25 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338
Yesterday was not a good day.....which has left me pondering a few questions (and about getting the fuck out of it). Such as does being a Dom mean you don't have to say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong"? Does it also mean that he can twist something around to the point of it being an outright lie ok because he is the Dom? And because he is a Dom, the sub cannot call him on it because that would be crossing a boundary or showing disrespect? Is making a sub feel like shit one of the Dom's prerogatives? Does the Dom make the man or does the man make the Dom?

Sorry about your day. My opinion is that none of the above questions should be asking "because he is *the* Dom", but rather "because he is *my* Dom". The expectations and prerogatives of a Dom depend on the dynamic they have with their Sub, I think. If the two of you have established that it's okay for your Dom to lie to you, to make you feel bad, and that you're not allowed to object because that's disrespectful, then yeah he's got a right to that. Those are elements some people might want as part of their relationship, so I could imagine a situation in which a Dom would be justified in those kinds of actions. The way you're asking I'm thinking that those are not things you're good with, and that you haven't negotiated that with him. I'm a big believer in Dom and Sub negotiating the dynamics before entering a relationship (or just playing around). Even "I'm the Dom, I'll do whatever the fuck I want to you and you'll not complain" is negotiating, if the Sub agrees to it. Just being a Dom doesn't somehow imbue you with the right to abuse a Sub's trust and limitations, and to me it sounds like yours have been severely broken.

quote:

And above all, is a certain low level of fear of the Dom keep the respect where it needs to be?

I don't think respect requires fear, personally. I can see a Dom using fear to get inside a Sub's head, to further their feelings of submission. I can even see a Sub really liking the fear they have of their Dom. But again, that has to be part of the dynamic both parties have agreed to. If he's using "I need to make you afraid" as an excuse for bad behavior, that's garbage. To me that would be unacceptable.

The one thing I'm unsure if I could ever see being negotiated away is saying "I'm sorry" when you screw up or make a mistake. I can't imagine being so secure in my perfection that I would never, ever tell someone I was sorry. I'm sure there are Dom/Sub arrangements that involve that, but that's right up against the border of where I'd start to question whether or not a relationship was unhealthy.

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 11:55:38 AM

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You know the answer to these questions.

pam

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 12:05:20 PM

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This topic comes up so regularly I almost ignored it this time. However there was a post scroll across the top that made me think of a few things.

First of all.......Just so that the OP is aware....I would have a fit if someone I was in a relationship brought our personal stuff here. They should be discussing it with me until it is resolved. Not pissing and whining about it and me, on a public forum. So if he reads this, be prepared.

That's just me and my thing.

About apologizing and not. Well, here's the thing about this that has caused me shit in the past. Other people's shit cause them to react to something I did or said in a manner that shows they took what I said or did in a manner that was very different than intended. I think I touched on a scenario I went through recently. We just had another one the other day.

If I apologize about how they perceive something wrong, then in essence I am nearly lying. How can I apologize for something I didn't do or say? Their personal shit is what caused them to read more into my words or actions than was there. At that point, when the emotion was still raw, anything I said would have been a lose lose for me. Of course me being me, had to say something like "I am sorry your feelings are hurt but what you are upset about doesn't even exist. I was annoyed with myself, not you. You were just in the room when I was annoyed." That just pissed the fucker off more, giving him more fuel to tell me what a horrible human being I am. Well then, now I was pissed at him for not fucking listening and turning his shit around onto me. And around and around we went for about 10 minutes until I just ended it...finite, done.

By the time I got home from work I was totally over it and he was still pouting. I ignored it, and he got over it.

Moral of this little story.........be certain you are both looking at the situation from the same place, through the same filters. Maybe, just maybe.......he doesn't have anything to apologize for.

Then again, maybe he is a shit head douche canoe and you need to kick his worthless ass to the curb!

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 12/22/2011 12:06:41 PM >

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 12:10:26 PM

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I've been worried about you since your Sadistic Mind Fucks thread.

quote:

Such as does being a Dom mean you don't have to say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong"? Does it also mean that he can twist something around to the point of it being an outright lie ok because he is the Dom? And because he is a Dom, the sub cannot call him on it because that would be crossing a boundary or showing disrespect? Is making a sub feel like shit one of the Dom's prerogatives? Does the Dom make the man or does the man make the Dom?

That doesn't sound like healthy domliness but unhealthy narcissism.

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RE: Dom saying I'm sorry - 12/22/2011 12:17:46 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

Yesterday was not a good day.....which has left me pondering a few questions (and about getting the fuck out of it). Such as does being a Dom mean you don't have to say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong"? Does it also mean that he can twist something around to the point of it being an outright lie ok because he is the Dom? And because he is a Dom, the sub cannot call him on it because that would be crossing a boundary or showing disrespect? Is making a sub feel like shit one of the Dom's prerogatives? Does the Dom make the man or does the man make the Dom?

And above all, is a certain low level of fear of the Dom keep the respect where it needs to be?

I was with someone just like this for a short time. Longer than I should of been, b/c the sex was hot. In the end he was found out for the lying, manipulative bastard he *really* was (and yes, I did instigate that). Not only did I have to pick up the pieces of a failed relationship, I had to acknowledge my sense of judgment was skewed by the fact I was thinking with my pussy, instead of my brain.

A humbling experience and not one I want to repeat.

Please run as fast as you can. It won't get better, but you will feel even stupider if you don't.

Just my advice, YMMV and all.

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