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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/25/2012 8:20:50 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Giermo

I was wondering if any of you have ever been "tested as a Dom" by a submissive partner? I'm curious because in my last two experiences, both submissives tried to test my "domly-ness" which I found fun(ny). So, has your "domly-ness ever been tested by a submissive, if so how?

never will be tested. I just think it is school stuff and I left that long ago. If I am tested then the door can hit their arse as they leave...simple.

Frank Ar.

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(in reply to Giermo)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/25/2012 9:33:26 PM

SpiritedRadiance

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SomeCdnGuy

quote:

After all, if it isn't important to you, why should it be to her?
Because I told her to do it.

And if you cant be bothered to be sure shes doing what you asked, why should she go and do it, just because you said so? Sorry, but part of my get off thing on service, is knowing my partner appreciates my work, and if he doesnt say good job or even look at what ive done... i wont be putting in the effort

OP, Yes Ive tested nearly all my partners to make sure they were compatible...

How do they deal with anger?
How do they treat the wait staff?
How do they deal with disappointment?
How do they deal with a difference of opinion?
How do they deal with being wrong?

All of these things are really important to know as a submissive in my opinion, because if they deal with anger or disappointment by taking it out on me the submissive, Its not going to be something that lasts very long. If they cant accept that they are human and make mistakes and apologize, im not going to have faith in their decision making skills... And a difference of opinion, if there are some topics we disagree on, say birth control, (which is something i will not give up control of) How is that going to be handled in our situation... Is he going to be calm collected?

Its not about funishment or willful disobedience, its about finding out if the person involved, is going to be someone whos smacks me across the face when hes pissed off something didnt go right at work, or if hes going to say, "pet i had a terrible day, give me a massage"

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to SomeCdnGuy)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/25/2012 9:36:39 PM

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quote:

Sorry, but part of my get off thing on service, is knowing my partner appreciates my work, and if he doesnt say good job or even look at what ive done... i wont be putting in the effort

So its not really so much service then is it? Its sort of like the teacher's pet sucking up to get praised.

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/25/2012 10:23:24 PM

SpiritedRadiance

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*shrugs*

Service to you or not....Its service to me, and the people who i serve take it as service, just because it gets me off, and makes me happy, doesnt make it wrong... or not service....

I refuse to give time and effort to someone who doesnt appreciate it, in the beginning of the relationship, I want to know the beds made right, or the dishes are put away to your preference, That things are done the way that makes you happy. If you arent bothering to make sure the work i do for you is done right and to the way you prefer why go out of my way to make sure its done in the way you prefer? If your a towels folded in half then thirds... and i do it in half then in half again..

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to SomeCdnGuy)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/25/2012 10:58:42 PM

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My first D/s relationship I didn't push at all. But after a few weeks it became clear that his style of dominance was far too laissez-faire for me. I tried to talk to him, but he just shrugged and told me that a 'real sub' would do what was needed without guidance. I need a man who makes rules and makes sure they're enforced. I left that relationship.

Next one, I tested him a little to see if he walked the walk as well as talking the talk. He did, to a point, but not enough for my needs. Again, we parted.

This Master, yes I pushed. His consistency in his leadership reassured me very quickly he was the man for me, and I stopped testing him very quickly. When I did push him, we talked about it and discussed the reasons behind it. Now we're both happy in our roles there's no need to test

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/25/2012 11:46:44 PM

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quote:

This Master, yes I pushed. His consistency in his leadership reassured me very quickly he was the man for me, and I stopped testing him very quickly. When I did push him, we talked about it and discussed the reasons behind it. Now we're both happy in our roles there's no need to test

Thank you for this.

Many Dominants think we are testing their "dominance". I find that particularly funny.

I test to discover boundaries, to know how far, and no farther. If a man cant handle that, Im out the door before he has time to blink.

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Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 12:56:28 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

quote:

This Master, yes I pushed. His consistency in his leadership reassured me very quickly he was the man for me, and I stopped testing him very quickly. When I did push him, we talked about it and discussed the reasons behind it. Now we're both happy in our roles there's no need to test

Thank you for this.

Many Dominants think we are testing their "dominance". I find that particularly funny.

I test to discover boundaries, to know how far, and no farther. If a man cant handle that, Im out the door before he has time to blink.

There's a difference between doing things when you aren't sure if the dom has a problem with them or not and trying to see what we'll let you get away with. If I say "don't do things in category Y" and you test each and every thing in that category to see whether I'll respond, that's the latter. If I say nothing about category Y and you test several things in it until you get a feel for my preference, that's the former.

In the end, it's like anything; if it's done in good faith, I will accept it with some degree of equanimity. If it's not done in good faith, then we have a problem.

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to tazzygirl)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 1:06:11 AM

SpiritedRadiance

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Epytropos

There's a difference between doing things when you aren't sure if the dom has a problem with them or not and trying to see what we'll let you get away with. If I say "don't do things in category Y" and you test each and every thing in that category to see whether I'll respond, that's the latter. If I say nothing about category Y and you test several things in it until you get a feel for my preference, that's the former.

In the end, it's like anything; if it's done in good faith, I will accept it with some degree of equanimity. If it's not done in good faith, then we have a problem.

However, If you say dont do anything in category Y, and I do something in that category, and you in return do not show any care for that fact that i did, Im going to realize that your going to put no power behind what your ordering, Why follow it? Honestly?

Just because your magical and wave a magic wand, and your a Dom and you say so?
*closes her eyes* Im a billionair with my own island and tons of servants *waves magical wand and says so...* DAMN IT it didnt work... Oh thats right... This is reality...

Sorry Doms test submissives all the time, its not something thats seen of as "wrong" or "out of place" they push boundaries and subs are supposed to accept it because its the dom thing to do..

But if a sub even considers to make sure that the person that they are putting their lives into via trust.... is actually going to be a smart concisive and consistent partners... Yeah we are all terrible submissives who are disobedient and ... yup...

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to Epytropos)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 1:19:50 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

quote:

ORIGINAL: Epytropos

There's a difference between doing things when you aren't sure if the dom has a problem with them or not and trying to see what we'll let you get away with. If I say "don't do things in category Y" and you test each and every thing in that category to see whether I'll respond, that's the latter. If I say nothing about category Y and you test several things in it until you get a feel for my preference, that's the former.

In the end, it's like anything; if it's done in good faith, I will accept it with some degree of equanimity. If it's not done in good faith, then we have a problem.

However, If you say dont do anything in category Y, and I do something in that category, and you in return do not show any care for that fact that i did, Im going to realize that your going to put no power behind what your ordering, Why follow it? Honestly?

Just because your magical and wave a magic wand, and your a Dom and you say so?
*closes her eyes* Im a billionair with my own island and tons of servants *waves magical wand and says so...* DAMN IT it didnt work... Oh thats right... This is reality...

Sorry Doms test submissives all the time, its not something thats seen of as "wrong" or "out of place" they push boundaries and subs are supposed to accept it because its the dom thing to do..

But if a sub even considers to make sure that the person that they are putting their lives into via trust.... is actually going to be a smart concisive and consistent partners... Yeah we are all terrible submissives who are disobedient and ... yup...

Far be it from me to tell you how to run your relationships; I'm just expressing a preference in mine. In my mind if I have to constantly reinforce my desires with pain or force (whether physical or force of personality) that's fucking exhausting. I've done it, I hate it. If there is an issue with what I want, we can discuss it rationally, but if it's just a matter of "You said X so I'm doing Y to see what you do" I'm not going to accept that. I'm certainly not going to ignore it, but I'm not going to accept that as a normal part of the process any more than I would in a vanilla relationship.

That said, it definitely works for many, which is fine. If you and your partner are happy with that dynamic, don't let me (or anyone) tell you to do otherwise. It doesn't make you a terrible sub any more than not liking it makes me a terrible dom, it just makes the two practices incompatible. Of course, disobedient you may want to examine the definitions for

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 1:41:01 AM

SpiritedRadiance

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Your assuming that I push constantly at all times no matter what, that assumption is wrong...

I find my place in the relationship, I make sure hes going to be the person he says he is. I dont engage in punishment dynamics, Im not willfully disobedient. If you say do Y, as long as Y doesnt violate my limits or somehow cause me harm ill do Y for you because you asked.. Regardless of wither your my Dom or not...

However if there are no consequences for my actions, then im not happy, I like and need to be held accountable. I like structure, I like rules...

However whats the point of rules if you arent going to enforce them?

For example I made a joke to a Dom friend of mine... that as long as the rules arent silly like not eating cheese on tuesdays or thursdays.... and theres a reason... Ill follow whatever rules you set...

So he found a legitimate reason of why i cant have cheese on tuesdays or thursdays >_<;;

< Message edited by SpiritedRadiance -- 1/26/2012 1:43:22 AM >

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to Epytropos)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 2:02:07 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

Your assuming that I push constantly at all times no matter what, that assumption is wrong...

I find my place in the relationship, I make sure hes going to be the person he says he is. I dont engage in punishment dynamics, Im not willfully disobedient. If you say do Y, as long as Y doesnt violate my limits or somehow cause me harm ill do Y for you because you asked.. Regardless of wither your my Dom or not...

However if there are no consequences for my actions, then im not happy, I like and need to be held accountable. I like structure, I like rules...

However whats the point of rules if you arent going to enforce them?

For example I made a joke to a Dom friend of mine... that as long as the rules arent silly like not eating cheese on tuesdays or thursdays.... and theres a reason... Ill follow whatever rules you set...

So he found a legitimate reason of why i cant have cheese on tuesdays or thursdays >_<;;

Makes sense. I think we're closer to being on the same page than it had originally seemed.

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 3:40:11 AM

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Have submissives pushed/tested me in the early stages of the relationship? sure they have. I have had one or two that just walk the walk with 'yes Maria, no Maria, 3 bags full Maria' but they were so busy on their own little trip I doubt they would of noticed if I had placed a cardboard cutout of me in the room with a voice recorder attached.

When I start a relationship I have to get to know a whole knew personality. I don't just see a submissive, I see a walking talking, thinking living breathing human being. I need to find out likes, dislikes, desires, dreads, things that make her laugh or make her cry. I want to know all of her, every last jot and that includes all of her boundaries. She doesn't bow to me because I tell her I'm dominant (at least I hope she doesn't) she bows to me because she has taken the time and effort to get to know 'me' and my boundaries.
If I'm not willing to show her myself then I expect she would continue to push and test because until she knows me she's got nothing to base her submission on.

I think most submissives could tear a dominant apart, if that dominant had tricked her into believing that he is something that he's not. That doesn't make her a needy submissive, it makes her savvy.

(in reply to Epytropos)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 5:42:59 AM

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when I 1st started, I noticed that and fell for it and didn't do the right thing. I didn't know who I was and what I wanted. Now, I do know . If she agrees to doing it and doesn't because she wants to "test me" or whatever reason (not the obvious , urgencies that happen in live), relationship is over, simple as that .....

I see a little bit like a business ... We make a deal (negociate and she agrees to do x, y , z), just like a business . You get hired by a company and agree to do x, y,z. Come to work on time, do your job, bla, bla, bla. If you don't do it, you get fired, simple as that.

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 5:52:43 AM

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quote:

I was wondering if any of you have ever been "tested as a Dom" by a submissive partner?

I, too, would like examples of what you mean by this.

In the beginning of a relationship, I'll be closely watching to see if his actions match his words. I will do little reality tests to see if he is the man he purports to be. I like to see if he is able to negotiate and tolerate a little frustration. I have a predilection for unhealthy relationships with narcissists and like to screen for this. A lot of this isn't conscious - afterwards, upon reflection, I'll note my pattern of behavior.

It boils down to learning/testing to see if can I have a healthy, kinky relationship with someone.

My actual SAM behavior is limited to tickling him a bit if I'd like a random punch. If he asked me to refrain, of course I'd respect that.

(in reply to Giermo)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 6:50:47 AM

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quote:

Far be it from me to tell you how to run your relationships; I'm just expressing a preference in mine. In my mind if I have to constantly reinforce my desires with pain or force (whether physical or force of personality) that's fucking exhausting. I've done it, I hate it. If there is an issue with what I want, we can discuss it rationally, but if it's just a matter of "You said X so I'm doing Y to see what you do" I'm not going to accept that. I'm certainly not going to ignore it, but I'm not going to accept that as a normal part of the process any more than I would in a vanilla relationship.

Ah, that is the difficulty.

Dominants think this testing is constant?

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Epytropos)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 7:11:43 AM

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The way I look at it, if we are constantly 'testing' then we are probably not right for one another.

Testing to ME, indicates a lack of trust in ability or knowledge. Not to be confused with playful behaviour.

I was just thinking about how, in the past, I've allowed boundaries to be run over. I didn't listen to my gut and I didn't understand a s-types need for boundaries. And.......I didn't understand why the relationship faltered. I was still stuck in the societal mindset of equal and fair relationships. Even now I have occasional knee jerk reactions that I have to mentally slap myself out of.

I also wonder if that is why some D/M types prefer to not love their slave/submissive. Because there is that internal struggle at the onset of figuring all of this out. In a loving relationship we do want the other person/s happy. It can be difficult for some of us D/M sorts to understand that the boundaries that temporarily make a 's' unhappy, are the very boundaries they need in that relationship to be happy and thrive.....big picture.

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 7:14:49 AM

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quote:

In the beginning of a relationship, I'll be closely watching to see if his actions match his words.

I'll do this, too. But I wouldn't call that "testing" so much as "observing." Maybe this is just me, but I don't see what I have to do anything special to provoke anger and embarrassment and argument in a potential partner to "see how he reacts." Within six months of being myself around a guy, I know all I need to know just through observation, and without having to plan out any special tests. People can't help revealing who they are after a few months of dating, and as long as you have a sharp eye and know what red flags to look out for, I don't see why I'd have to go an a secret testing mission to push a persons buttons and see how they react. That just doesn't seem very adult-like. But hey, whatever floats your boat.

(in reply to tazzygirl)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 7:16:26 AM

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quote:

So he found a legitimate reason of why i cant have cheese on tuesdays or thursdays >_<;;

I want to know the reason! Please....?

quote:

So its not really so much service then is it? Its sort of like the teacher's pet sucking up to get praised.

No, it isn't. At least, not for me, and I am with the penguin here. If my work isn't acknowledged by my partner, then said person won't be my partner for much longer. For me, it isn't about the praise in and of itself. It's about what the praise and occasional "Thank You" implies. These imply that my partner appreciates my work and thus, appreciates me. Why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who did not appreciate the work I did, and therefore did not appreciate my time, effort, and therefore myself? Why would I want to stay with someone who was "apathetic" towards my submission?

Once I've found a partner that I like, I don't need or even expect praise to follow the completion of every little task. But prior to making someone my partner, I will check to see if he is an *sshole.

(in reply to HisPet21)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 7:36:00 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

Dominants think this testing is constant?

With Master's Ex, it pretty much was. He and I were platonic friends at that point, so we used to talk a lot and I heard a lot about it. At least once a week, she would dig her heels in and not want to do something. Whether it was a particular restaurant, a chore, or sexual act. It was her little game because she wanted to be "forced". Those were the exact words she used when he sat her down and tried to discuss the problem. He stayed for a year because he hoped to work it out. After that point, he started slowing the relationship down and she became very weird. He eventually cheated on her with someone that didn't need to have the constant "conquering". They broke up shortly afterwards.

I think there's a difference between testing boundaries and constantly expecting the Dominant to prove their dominant.

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 7:38:32 AM

Kana

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I must be pretty Dominate because I haven't been challenged by a sub in that way in a loooooong time.
I suspect it has something to do with the way I come off...

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HST

(in reply to SomeCdnGuy)

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