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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 11:53:31 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantHunger

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I'm glad, because I did get a distinct "you're doing it wrong" vibe from your post.

That's how I felt reading the initial show-em-the-door posts - except I hadn't stated a position yet.

I see you didn't change your mind!

Honestly, I see the cause for this sort of strife as too much commitment too soon. So many people are chasing those collars, and I know I have been passed over because I am very slow to commit to serious relationships. It takes time to build trust AND it takes time and shared experience to really see how both parties are going to react. There are times when I really do say, "Because I said so, because I wanted to, because I could". To expect someone I barely know to accept that is asking for trouble.

And, pr0n and bad romance.

< Message edited by LadyHibiscus -- 1/26/2012 11:59:13 AM >

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 11:58:24 AM

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Exactly.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 12:02:03 PM

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FR

I think it's so cute, when the little wenches try to flex their muscles. "Funny" is another word I would use.

I had a "submissive" come off sideways at me, once. I told her to go stand in the corner. She balked.

Her: "Why would I want to stand in the corner? I don't want to do that. It's humiliating."

Me: "Then, you should feel free to leave."

I laughed, while she stood in the corner LOL.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 12:07:15 PM

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Are we talking about a someone who is more interested in playing games than submitting? Or are we talking about a submissive who is finding her dominants inconsistencies intolerable? Either will have some dominants feeling challenged.
I think a lot of dominance is based on temporary authority and temporary authority makes absolutely no sense to a submissive.
The dominant who worries and frets because his submissive continually seems to be testing his authority is a man who isn’t analyzing his own failings.
I have made the mistake of going into relationships with a clear plan of action as to how I would use my authority and I have refused to deviate in those plans, not because I was stubborn but because I wasn’t experienced enough to be adaptive. Improvisation was not something I understood.
To be honest, I think submissives in general want quite a lot and rightfully expect quite a lot. We can’t blame them for that, after all, we continually advertize ourselves as the one who will give them direction, control, protection, leadership, authority and equilibrium.
A lot of our promises are false advertizing but we still have a tendency to blame the submissive when we fail to live up to their expectations.

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 12:10:53 PM

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See, I am hearing how my way, or the way I did things, was not what most subs would expect. I guess I come from a whole different end of the universe because I feel like this- When you meet a person that you feel you want to pursue the life with, and you communicate with them, and they tell you how constant tardiness is causing issues at work, how their lack of cleaning is causing them to not be able to find things or their house to smell bad, you go to their house and their animals are all but chewing your face off because they are not being properly cared for, and this sub is acting as if they have NO control, they have NO level of peace in their life as a result of this constant unruly pattern that they KEEP repeating, and they want to give that control to you...then it is your JOB as the dominant, and ONLY if they ask you to do so, but it is YOUR JOB to step in and offer guidelines.

Now, does that mean that the sub has to stick to them? No. In my case, my sub did not stick to them.

But I did offer her clear rewards and clear punishments for these things. If she managed to keep the house clean for more than 24 hours, which was a feat since she had cats, dogs, fish, ferrets, snakes and a plethora of other crap that was not living (in some cases it may have been and I just didn't see it, because her house was like an episode of horders), then I would take her out, spend time with her, pet her, love on her, and if it was what she wanted we would session and play.

If she did not, then she was placed in a sort of time out. She was not to call, or come to my house, or even email for a period equal to the time I had given her to do the task.

Nothing I asked was unreasonable. Not one single thing. And everything that I asked her to do were things that she had expressed having an issue with. Everything I put in place for her was designed to give her the room in her life for what she wanted in totality; a 24/7 live in situation with a Dominant Male that she would take as a husband with whom she could have a family with. Now, is it so unreasonable that this lifestyle should include more than sex? Or sexual play? Is it so unreasonable that before I would surrender a sub that was so mentally and emotionally fractured I would spend some time trying to help her?

Not that I mind being demonized. It's kind of flattering to know that even as soft as I am, because I am a switch, and I do tend to let up when I shouldn't because I know how overwhelming it can be to be submissive, I am still too hardcore for some.

But the end result is, I feel, as a dominant that you should train a sub to be ideal for not just you, but for the world at large, and you should train them to have strength to survive the world. Unless you plan to be immortal, which I do not.

In the end, she was more than I could handle. I did not have the patience to put up with the constant testing. I make no excuses for what I did that doesn't adhere to another's idea of what D/s is. Fact is none of us is the end all be all of D/s.

But I did kind of take offense to the fact that I am being looked at like some hard ass, when all I did was offer rules that had clear and immediate consequence for her.

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 12:11:14 PM

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In my experience, a woman testing her man is an almost universal experience. It has nothing to do with D/s although I hazard that subs have a greater understanding of their own need for strength in their Dom. I doubt it applies to the femdom/malesub experience as I've never seen male subs do anything which rises above obsequious sycophancy. But I digress....

Essentially, this is a survival instinct. Women need to know the guy they're fucking has the strength to deal with the rest of the world. If he can't handle her shit, then he's no good to her when it comes to dealing with what life can throw at you.

There are a couple of reasons why guys may not experience testing from their women. The first is that in many relationships, the guy is the bitch. He's not tested, merely hen-pecked and emasculated.

The second, is if he's hooked up with a chick who has low self-esteem. Chicks who feel unworthy seldom test since they're not worried about the guy meeting their standards, they're just grateful that someone's there to fill the gaping hole in their life.

It's a mistake to think this is a D/s thing. It's a male/female thing and a half-decent guy should be able to handle it outside a D/s framework anyway.

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 12:15:58 PM

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That's easy. The mistake you made was to get involved with someone who needs fixing.

In a word - don't. It can be done, but it's not done by simply setting rules and guidelines. You're dealing with responses based upon beliefs and patterns which have evolved and become set in concrete over time. Without reworking her deep belief structures and her modelling of the world, you're not going to effect real change.

Unless you recognise some superlative value in someone which will reward that level of commitment from yourself, the answer is always to just say no.

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 12:26:09 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

That's easy. The mistake you made was to get involved with someone who needs fixing.

In a word - don't. It can be done, but it's not done by simply setting rules and guidelines. You're dealing with responses based upon beliefs and patterns which have evolved and become set in concrete over time. Without reworking her deep belief structures and her modelling of the world, you're not going to effect real change.

Unless you recognise some superlative value in someone which will reward that level of commitment from yourself, the answer is always to just say no.

I realize that now.

Fixing anyone is impossible if they are subconsciously, or even consciously, aware that they want to live the way that they do.

In my girls case, changing was just...not happening. Instead she wanted to drag me into the choices that she made. I wasn't going.

I hated to have to cut her loose. She had so much potential. Sad, really, but in the end, it was her or me, and in that case, I win every time.

_____________________________

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement

You have to believe in yourself. -Tsun Tzu-

Resident Malkavian.

(in reply to Awareness)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 12:30:57 PM

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quote:

See, I am hearing how my way, or the way I did things, was not what most subs would expect. I guess I come from a whole different end of the universe because I feel like this- When you meet a person that you feel you want to pursue the life with, and you communicate with them, and they tell you how constant tardiness is causing issues at work, how their lack of cleaning is causing them to not be able to find things or their house to smell bad, you go to their house and their animals are all but chewing your face off because they are not being properly cared for, and this sub is acting as if they have NO control, they have NO level of peace in their life as a result of this constant unruly pattern that they KEEP repeating, and they want to give that control to you...then it is your JOB as the dominant, and ONLY if they ask you to do so, but it is YOUR JOB to step in and offer guidelines.

Now, does that mean that the sub has to stick to them? No. In my case, my sub did not stick to them. But I did offer her clear rewards and clear punishments for these things. If she managed to keep the house clean for more than 24 hours, which was a feat since she had cats, dogs, fish, ferrets, snakes and a plethora of other crap that was not living (in some cases it may have been and I just didn't see it, because her house was like an episode of hoarders), then I would take her out, spend time with her, pet her, love on her, and if it was what she wanted we would session and play.

This sounds more like manifestation of mental illness than testing.

(in reply to xXLithiumXx)

RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 12:37:02 PM

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Lots and lots of people try to make a dominant be a therapist...but it doesn't work. The pig DOES NOT SING, ever.

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 12:51:33 PM

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quote:

If you arent bothering to make sure the work i do for you is done right and to the way you prefer why go out of my way to make sure its done in the way you prefer?

Because that's what your supposed to do. Why would I want to waste my time with somebody who couldn't be trusted to do things the way I want them done? If I have to check every job to make sure it is done right, then really, what's the point?

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 12:54:49 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SomeCdnGuy

quote:

If you arent bothering to make sure the work i do for you is done right and to the way you prefer why go out of my way to make sure its done in the way you prefer?
Because that's what your supposed to do. Why would I want to waste my time with somebody who couldn't be trusted to do things the way I want them done? If I have to check every job to make sure it is done right, then really, what's the point?

No kidding, that whole "trust" thing works both ways. I EXPECT that things are done right, once I see that the task is understood.

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 12:55:38 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantHunger

Do I lose my Dom Club membership card if I say all the Doms on this thread have been wrong and all the subs have been right?

If there was a Dom club... you don't strike me as the kinda chap who'd be all that desperate to get the membership card in the first place.

<intended as a compliment>

quote:

All subs test their Doms. No matter how service oriented and insanely driven to please, eventually every sub tests their Dom. It is a natural and necessary part of the D/s dynamic. A "D/s" relationship without Domly expectations being tested is merely two compatibly kinky people playing together. (There is nothing wrong with that if that is what both parties desire.)

Hmmm... I don't agree that "D/s" relationship without Domly expectations being tested is merely two compatibly kinky people playing together... I mean if one is Dom and one is sub surely it's a highly compatible D/s relationship?

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 1:01:25 PM

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quote:

I think there's a difference between testing boundaries and constantly expecting the Dominant to prove their dominant.

Exactamundo!

Well not quite, but it would be if you had got the their/they're thing right.

< Message edited by SomeCdnGuy -- 1/26/2012 1:02:35 PM >

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 1:02:26 PM

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In one sense testing happens all the time... especially early on as two people get to know each other. There's a period of negotiation/learning that takes place. Some of it is overt, the asking of specific questions, some of it is simply part of getting to know each other.

Sure, early on, I'd expect my "domliness" to be tested a few times... She needs to know that I know what I'm talking about, that I'll carry out my threats/promises. But ya know.. if that's still happening in 6 months, then she doesn't really know me that well, and I don't know her all that well. And by that stage, she's no longer testing my domliness, she's testing my patience.

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 1:07:46 PM

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[OT]
You have cmail!

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 1:14:32 PM

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quote:

A submissive must be faced with things they would rather avoid, or it is a compatibly kinky relationship and not a D/s relationship.

quote:

If you do not derive some form of personal satisfaction from handling this responsibility, then you aren't really a Dom and instead you are looking for your compatibly kinky play partner.

LMAO!!! Don't you just love it when somebody starts telling us all what we "must" do or have.

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 1:24:12 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Giermo

I was wondering if any of you have ever been "tested as a Dom" by a submissive partner? I'm curious because in my last two experiences, both submissives tried to test my "domly-ness" which I found fun(ny). So, has your "domly-ness ever been tested by a submissive, if so how?

I've met seven CM submissives as their Dom since 2005. Every submissive tests the new dom in a few common general ways . One test sure to happen is of your maleness, do you look the part, speak the part and walk the part. The other is if you are just wanting easy sex and not wanting to contribute to the relationship and this can be subjective or she might insist on you producing a checklist of activities so you two can negotiate what are the limits and she will see if you even know how to do that. The one also sure to happen once you pass the first two, in very quick order by the way, is if you can control her in and out of a scene, defined here in terms of do you naturally control her and how well and how quickly, and to test you, she will certainly resist and cry and whine and even scream to see what you will do and this test gets very dicey if you don't know what to do and how to handle her as a Dom should; in other words you run some great risk here if you don't know the secret all Doms should know, because if you don't know it then you don't know if she is faking to see how strong your will and confidence is or is she really resisting and getting cold feet the next thing she will do is call 911. Clearly this is the dicey part and the one that seperates the men from the boys. So, don't try this at home unless you know the secret Doms should know or you could get in deep shit real quick.

< Message edited by Arturas -- 1/26/2012 1:25:42 PM >

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 1:27:51 PM

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Now that we have a live example, the debate should be solved.

After all, Arturas IS the prototypical example of why every wise sub SHOULD test her Dom to see if he's as full of shit as he seems to be.

< Message edited by Ishtarr -- 1/26/2012 1:28:15 PM >

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Hör wie es schreit!

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RE: Being tested as a Dom - 1/26/2012 1:28:16 PM

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Real Dominance. The gift that keeps on giving.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Arturas)

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